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Old 05-15-2007, 12:13 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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The only thing that stops me from killing myself is the thought of what it would do to my son and parrents. I guess it's good that something is stopping me, but the fact that I can't seem to place any more value on my own life than that is depressing.
Tyler - good advice above me. I am also worried about ya.... and you know, depression can be treated. You would not be the first addict to discover he had been self-medicating.

My daughter has shown an incredible improvement after she began antidepressants.... none of us even suspected that was behind her addiction.

Please seek help... your kids want the best part of you. And I have a sneaking suspicion there is a LOT of the best we haven't even seen, yet.

(((Tyler)))
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Old 05-15-2007, 02:28 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
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Thaks for the replies, still feeling like ****. I do see a doctor for my depression and also take meds. It's just this ******* roller coaster. Feel like **** for a couple of days, ok for a few more, back to this again. I know smoking is not the answer, but it is the only thing that provides ANY, if only temporary, relief. I also know that it is a double edged sword, because while it helps me feel better, it is also the cause of many of my problems. I really just feel like cashing in all of my chips, buying a QP of primo weed and just disapearing. I JUST ******* HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-15-2007, 04:04 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Tyler,
I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on tv. But, you talk of the rollar coaster. Have you or your doctor considered that you *may* be bipolar? If that's the case, anti-depressants are not the answer. A mood stabilizer is needed.

See if this helps. You can read about the symptoms, take a self help check list test, and take the results with you next time you see your doctor.
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Page...polar_overview

You're right that smoking is a double edged sword. It only exaserbates the problems you already hate so much. Perhaps, this check list can help you really start getting control of your life and start living it fully.

Shalom!
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Old 05-15-2007, 04:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I've often thought I was bipolar, I think I've been diagnosed bipolar, depressive, anxiety disorder, and maybe others over the years. Of course none of it really worked because I continued to "self medicate" with pot. This is just making me crazy, or maybe I already am. I don't know.
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Old 05-15-2007, 04:53 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Tyler,
You're not crazy. You may have a mental illness. If so, it is your responsibility to take care of it. Does your present doctor know that you've been previously diagnosed bipolar? If not, please share that information with him/her. They need to know in order to serve you as best as they are able.

Also, there's another fact you need to know. People with dual diagnoses, (both a mental illness and a drug/alcohol dependency), have an extremely high rate of relapse if both issues are not dealt with together. This *may* be the reason you are having such difficulty staying clean. You *may* be continuing to self medicate, if you are indeed bipolar and not just depressed.

Again, Tyler, I am NOT a medical person. I teach history. But, my son is dual diagnosed. I've spent years looking at this issue as the state I'm in refuses to treat my son for his mental illnes. They just keep putting him in jail.
But, for a brief shinning moment, he was in Camelot. He went to the next state, Mass, and they treated him for both. Put him on a mood stabilizer, and into a program. There was a moment in time, when there was a real promise for his future.... A judge took him OUT of the rehab; Camelot ended. He ended back in jail and once out, back on the streets again. Now, his best friend is dead from an overdose....

Please, give yourself the best possible chance you can... Be as honest as you can with your doctor.... Do whatever is necessary....
We care...

Shalom!
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Old 05-15-2007, 07:22 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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different approaches

History teach hit the nail on the head...some things that are helping me that you might want to look into are DBT..dialectic behavior therapy for addictions,google true recovery and check it out. It combines mindfulness and cognitive therapy. I am working on the concepts and while not easy it seems to have real depth and has really helped my cravings for weed. DBT is cutting edge therapy and has been effective for a wide range of mental health problems i.e. depression,anxiety,self harming but was never applied to addictions until recently. Check it out and tell me if it helped you as much as it did me. The beauty of it is that relapse is not the end all of recovery. Not using comes from being comfortable enough in recovery to give your mind,body and spirit a chance to heal. Its not an excuse to relapse its reality..relapse happens. You keep trying until you get it right and you start trying right away. As you read in my previous posts I recently slipped. I felt that pressure building and building and got to 3 months and got high. I threw my weed out and started over. I wish it didn't happen but I refuse to now go on a world class guilt trip. I just started looking around for something else and there it was just waiting for me. I also have found the following combination of Rx...naltrexone and cymbalto...potent. Check out the Pennsylvania Recovery website for more info on these. I hate to hear a brother suffering so check out DBT and force yourself to get started...YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
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Old 05-15-2007, 09:22 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Tyler... whatever is going on, it can get better. This can be something you will look back on and say, "yeah, that was then and I learned a sh*t load from how that felt." Please know you are in my prayers... that you can seek out the resources you need, repeat treatment that has been helpful and get through the day feeling like you belong and are cared about.

Because for many of us... you belong... we care about you.


As my sister used to say.... hang in there... like a three pound booger.

((hugs))
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Old 05-16-2007, 08:16 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Feeling a little better today. Gonna go out an move some gravel and chop up some trees. I'll try to check in later. BTW, didn't use or drink last nite.
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Old 05-16-2007, 12:55 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I'm new here. It's been about 2 and 3/4 days since I took any pills (lortab). I am pretty much hating life. I feel miserable. I don't have any emotional stuff going on yet, its all physical right now but its been hell these past couple of days. I quit cold turkey and was up to about 15 10mg lortab per day. This is rough to say the least.
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Old 05-16-2007, 02:07 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Welcome Biologyteacher and congrats on your 2 & 3/4 days, I'm sure it seems more like 2 & 3/4 months right now. I've only got about 3 weeks and it seems like forever. I have to remind myself sometimes that it took a long time to get my self this F'd up, it's probably going to take a little while for things to get better.

I had a good friend who got hooked on lortabs. It was really sad to see. I ended up moving from the area, but last I heard he was still hooked. I'm sure the physical stuff must be really tough. There's probably some folks on the Substance Abuse board who can give you some advice about getting through those.

About the only advice I can give you is to try to remember how you are feeling right now. When you have those urges to use, try to remember these feelings, how crappy you feel. You don't ever have to go through this again.

Keeping a good thought for you!! Feel free to post your daily progress, thoughts and feelings here. Take care.
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Old 05-16-2007, 05:29 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Welcome, Biologyteacher.

Even though it's a struggle right now, it is soo worth it. Have you seen your doctor about quitting suddenly? My doctor sure helped me through the first little while though it was withdrawal from alcohol.

Tyler, Good on ya for not using. Yes it does get better and I'm glad you are feeling better. Each day will make a difference.

I'm doing fine myself. Just over a year now and I'm still realizing benefits from my more positive choices. Makes it all worthwhile.

Keep well

Ron
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Old 05-17-2007, 01:01 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Saw my theripist today. Told him about how I've been feeling. I felt pretty good going into the appointment, but very agitated afterwards. I hate talking about this stuff. I just want to ignore it and pretend it doesn't really exist, but I know that's not going to help. I'm going back tomorrow to see the Doc. Feeling pretty unmotivated right now. I think I'm going to lay down for a bit and maybe try to some work outside later. Take care.
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Old 05-18-2007, 08:25 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Thanks tyler and Mongo
Ever since I went cold turkey several days ago I am having terrible headaches. So yesterday I went with a friend to her accupuncture session and I decided to give it a try. Although extremely skeptical, I went along, and I asked a ton of questions. The people performing the accupuncture were very friendly. Despite the fact my head still hurt when I left, I rather enjoyed the ambience of the session.

I am no longer throwing up, so thats a good thing. I am still unable to sleep longer than 30 minutes at a time and I am wondering when my sleep patterns will get back on track again. My legs still hurt.

Lately I have never been so hungry in all my life. Nothing would make me happier than to just lounge around all day eating sugar. This is all new territory for me. I eat all day. Last night I did not have the healthiest dinner - double cheeseburger (a greasy one), french fries dipped in ranch dressing, a cherry turnover, a small bag of cheetos and a soda. This morning I had bacon, eggs, and a banana dipped in peanut butter. I just ate an hour ago and I already feel quite hungry. It reminds me of when I was pregnant.

Anyways I am tring to get the motivation to exercise however I just feel so sluggish and tired even just walking around is a chore. Later today I am going to make an effort to take a long walk or a long swim. I miss having energy.

This is so hard you guys...
Take care, more later
Bio~
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Old 05-18-2007, 12:24 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Glad you are hanging in there!! Sleep disruptions are probably one of the most common and most dificult aspects to quitting just about any drug. I'm not sure how you used your pills, but I know I used to smoke myslef into oblivion every night. Without that, sleep was very hard to come by. It does get better. Have you tried meditation? When you are having trouble sleeping, if you can atleast try to clear your mind, it can give you body some rest, and sometimes you fall asleep without knowing it!!

One of the treatment centers I went to was based on holistic principles. Accupuncture was a daily treatment for us. Being needle phobic, I was more than a little skeptical, but I had promised myself I'd at least try everything they offered. (I even did a colonic treatment!! Yikes!!) I can't say for sure if it helped or not, but I seemed to feel more calm afterwards at least.

One really important thing to do is stay hydrated. You should drink at least a gallon of water a day. This not only helps to "flush your system" but many drugs also dehydrate us.

As far as the food thing goes. Healthy eating is good for recovery...but in the early stages IMHO, if you want a greassy double cheeseburger, and it makes you feel better, WTF, go for it!! Ya gotta give yourself some small pleasures at least. After my doctors appointment yesterday, I was feeling pretty down. So I picked up a $5 large Little Ceasers pepperoni pizza and ate the whole damm thing on the way home. Healthy?? Not a bit. Better than using, you bet!! I did feel extremely bloated the rest of the day, and probably won't do it again, but it got me through the moment.

Doc added Welbutran to my drug regiment. I feel like a freaking walking pharmacy sometimes. Not crazy about taking all of this stuff, but I can't be feeling like I did on Tuesday. So for now, I'll take them, hope they help and avoid taking matter into my own hands by using. Take care.
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Old 05-20-2007, 09:35 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi tyler
the day I read your post I ended up getting some pizza too. Funny how I was influenced to do so, that pepperoni pizza just sounded so good...

I've been trying massage therapy and I definitely feel relaxed when I leave. I asked my massage therapist if they'd be willing to move in with me but they declined.
My headaches have improved some but my legs still cramp up (wondering when that will improve). Biologically my body is doing exactly what it is suppose to do so thats a good thing. The downside is - it's certainly uncomfortable.

I hope you are doing well on your new medication. Take care of you.
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:45 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Things are going pretty ok for me right now. The depression has gotten better, so I guess the meds are working, or maybe it just went away on it's own. I wouldn't worry about it so much if it was caused by some event, but it just seems to come and go on it's own.

I was binge eating last night, better than binge drinking I guess, but still a sign of something missing in my life. Well I guess a lot of things are missing. My ex-wife, my son, a rewarding job. All things I gave up to use. Not a very good deal.

Not going to dwell on that though. Can't do anything about the past, only can try to improve the future. Clean 3 weeks today, still craving it though. It comes and goes. I've really limited myself as far as leaving the house goes. Basically I only leave to go to my doctor and theripist appointments. Fortunatly I live in a big house with some land and plenty to do, so it's not so bad. Also I border on anti-social, so I don't particularily miss the social contact either. I can't live like this forever, but it's helping me get though this hard time now.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Take care all.
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Old 05-23-2007, 08:43 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Had a huge fight yesterday and now I feel kind of numb. It was over communication- and how I feel that any time I try to discus what I feel stronlgy about, he shuts me down. Politics this time. "You just get too intense and I don't want to say anything." Nor want me to say anything, it seems. So I left the room to cool off because my feelings were hurt, and he follows me and it just explodes.

We are still going to couples counselling, but damn, I just wanted to leave.
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Old 05-24-2007, 07:53 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by andshewas View Post
Had a huge fight yesterday and now I feel kind of numb. It was over communication- and how I feel that any time I try to discus what I feel stronlgy about, he shuts me down. Politics this time. "You just get too intense and I don't want to say anything." Nor want me to say anything, it seems. So I left the room to cool off because my feelings were hurt, and he follows me and it just explodes.

We are still going to couples counselling, but damn, I just wanted to leave.
We have a rule in our household, and it was set long before I realized it would also help my recovery, that if one of us really needs to get away from the arguement/fight (we fight over communication ALL THE TIME) that person simply says "I need to separate myself right now".

Since we made this rule and we both use it, both of us feel safe using it in our fights and let me tell you it has helped both of us defuse. Especially when we get into those fights when they become circular.
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Old 05-24-2007, 08:15 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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*waves* Hi All! Checking in...

I've been sick with a stomach bug the last couple of days - about the only positive thing being that I think I must have lost a few pounds. Part of my program involves taking a fair number of supplements, though, and I haven't been able to...I've been waiting for the other shoe to fall cravingswise, but so far I've been fine. Maybe a little grumpier than usual, but that might be the fact that I'm sick.

Shewas, I sympathisize. Anger is the one emotion that gives me the most difficulty, I don't know what to do with it without a drink. Sometimes I can walk it off these days.

Let me know how the acupuncture goes please, Bio. I've been wanting to try it, but been a little daunted by the cost.
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Old 05-24-2007, 12:01 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Alera View Post
We have a rule in our household, and it was set long before I realized it would also help my recovery, that if one of us really needs to get away from the arguement/fight (we fight over communication ALL THE TIME) that person simply says "I need to separate myself right now".

Since we made this rule and we both use it, both of us feel safe using it in our fights and let me tell you it has helped both of us defuse. Especially when we get into those fights when they become circular.

We actually have that rule, which is why I left the room.....

Things have improved somewhat, though I am very skittish (I've been in an abusive relationship before, so the show of violence just shut me down for a couplke of days, even though it was a wall and not me.). It's uncomfortable, but we are sort of talking again.
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