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Old 10-28-2008, 09:56 AM
  # 321 (permalink)  
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I'm okay.. just experiencing a little bit of anti-motivational syndrome. Thanks, Ananda.
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Old 10-28-2008, 10:03 AM
  # 322 (permalink)  
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I could use some outside motivation today....Where oh where am i suppose to put all the stuff in this house to put it away so they can take realator pictures????? I feel so overwhelmed!!!!!

:wtf2
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Old 10-28-2008, 02:07 PM
  # 323 (permalink)  
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Drank last night.... a lot (of course). Blacked out and passed out. Called my poor SO and told him I was going to kill myself.

I do not like myself today.
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Old 10-28-2008, 02:10 PM
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ananda!!! Do you have an attic? How about an outside shed?

Less is more! Just a tip from an ex-real estate agent.

Self seeking....you need to be done....what is it that you still enjoy?
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Old 10-28-2008, 05:13 PM
  # 325 (permalink)  
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SS I hope you get to feeling better and can take a look at what happened and what you can do different to see it coming and do something about it before you drink.

You can pull out of this :ghug3
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Old 10-28-2008, 05:37 PM
  # 326 (permalink)  
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SS, I'm glad you're okay.
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Old 10-29-2008, 11:21 AM
  # 327 (permalink)  
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Thanks, DK... I feel pretty shell-shocked. I had really been taking everyday health for granted. I need to hit the gratitude lists up more often.

Monday, there were a few let-downs. My fiance was gone. I overslept through a doc's appointment. I met with the big important dean and feel like it went well, but there won't be a final decision on when and if I come back until around Thanksgiving. (A bunch of faculty meet and decide.) I felt so flat and dead. I could think of things I needed to do around the house but couldn't think of how I would do them. I remembered sometimes when I was drinking I would have bursts of energy and cleaning or whatever would be easy. And then going to the liquor store, I tried turning away to drive towards my house instead, and a wave of panic hit me. It was like my head was screaming at me. So I turned back towards the store and felt calm again.

The wine store guy was talking to me using all this wine-tasting jargon and I was nodding like I appreciated these aspects of wine. I was just looking for a big bottle and didn't want to make that obvious. I was like, masquerading as a normal person. I also got a six-pack of beer. I drank that first and by the time I opened the wine bottle, although I drank half of it, I have no idea what it tasted like. And that "getting things done" garbage, omg, what was I thinking. My house is extra trashed. Now I have bottles to get rid of, and my SO is worried about me.

So stupid and crazy. I still feel sick. This needs to be the last time I drink.
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Old 10-29-2008, 12:31 PM
  # 328 (permalink)  
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SelfSeeking, glad to see you came back to post after your relapse.

I remember my last relapse a friend of mine at SMART worked a project with me that really helped me. Let me share what we did.

We walked through my entire day. We listed the stressors (good and bad) that had occurred before my urges kicked in. We then went over alternate options I had to get rid of the urges (such as HALT). From there, we went through all the steps it took once I chose to use...ranging from choosing to refill my DOC down to the smallest steps such as opening the pill bottle to putting the pills in my mouth. At each step I wrote down an alternative such as spitting the pills out, or throwing the pills down the toilet once I had filled them.

I then took time to mentally walk myself through the situation but instead of using, I in my imagery I did not use but did the alternative instead. I did this until I had it memorized.

I carried that paper around for about six months, and when I got the urge in the future I would open it up, look at my alternatives and chose them instead. If I was in a new situation not listed on the paper, I took out a pencil and wrote down the new situation and a new substitute for that step on the way to using.

I will admit it took a lot of work on my part, but it was so very worth it.
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Old 10-30-2008, 02:36 AM
  # 329 (permalink)  
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I enjoy fishing.
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:52 AM
  # 330 (permalink)  
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Alera...that is one of the most concrete, solid and helpful things I have ever heard ......thank you so much, i will hope that i can remember that for myself if I ever need it and to suggest to others if they struggle. Thanks.


Ah...and for your windy....."a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle"
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Old 10-31-2008, 08:58 AM
  # 331 (permalink)  
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Day one.

No, seriously...

DAY ONE!
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Old 10-31-2008, 09:42 AM
  # 332 (permalink)  
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Right on DK. Day 3 right here.

I feel like a [email protected] I have been doing this too long to be unclear on how to count days. So I drank on Monday night and was passed out- hence not drinking- well before midnight. Tuesday was day 1. But I didn't "have" one day... I had less than a day. So today is actually day 4, but I "have" three days.

So what do I call this day? Day 3? Or day 4? I want to resolve this once and for all.
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:34 AM
  # 333 (permalink)  
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Yeah, I'd say you're on day 4 w/ 3 days on lock. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and smoked the last of my pot to go to sleep, so technically I suppose it's not really day one. OTOH, I had my last beer Wednesday morning (single 16 oz tall boy), so I have a little bit of a head start on that.
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:47 AM
  # 334 (permalink)  
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:ghug

I have a party tonight, but maybe we can chat over the weekend....so glad you guys are posting and sharing! I find you to be such a great support!
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:49 AM
  # 335 (permalink)  
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Hello, everyone.
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:57 AM
  # 336 (permalink)  
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Yo, Bam! Wus hatinin?
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Old 10-31-2008, 10:57 AM
  # 337 (permalink)  
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Here's to day 1's, 3's or 4's!

I think it's starting to sink in that it's always day one for me, from awakening to sleep and what's in between.

Hugs to you,

D
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Old 10-31-2008, 11:24 AM
  # 338 (permalink)  
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BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so good to see you!

And Donna...please keep posting you are such a support! and of course we want to support you too!

I did flail around a little, but i am soo soo greatful it was yesterday and not today..I think a seriuos candy corn would of been a dificult thing to pull off
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Old 10-31-2008, 12:54 PM
  # 339 (permalink)  
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I was really overwhelmed by my financial and health insurance situation today. After I managed to calm down/allow people to calm me down and think of solutions (thanks mom, sponsor, doc), and arrive at a plan of action, I had this calm moment. I thought, I should go on amazon tonight and sell some books. I have a few I can part with. It's such a painful though because I really do love my books, but I am in such an incredibly tight spot, and I want to do everything I can before I go to a food bank.

So on the heels of that thought was, You know what would make selling my books less painful, is drinking. Big bottle of wine is $10 tops.

It's going to be a little while before those thoughts stop coming round.

Reasons why drinking wouldn't help: I can't control the rate at which I drink. I would quickly lose the ability to function, period, let alone selling books on amazon. *snort* Last time I drank I made suicidal threats to my SO and it's cruel to do that to people. I just got to feeling better after the last drunk. I never want to feel like that again. It will make my depression worse. Odds are I'd black out and be scared in the morning about who I'd called, emailed, etc.

So, not drinking.
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Old 10-31-2008, 02:00 PM
  # 340 (permalink)  
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Just a little sad to see so many struggling...

I'm laying low and trying to change my habits into more positive ones. Still can't find a job. Next week I'll probably have to crawl back to my old one with my tail between my legs and beg to be hired back. How embarrassing...on so many levels. Hehe…watch him not hire me back.

What a loser I am. I can't find a good job. I'm destined to wear a paper hat the rest of my life and flip burgers. Ooo, exciting! I just wish someone somewhere somehow will give me a chance to show what a good worker I am. I need to find a way to get over this. I’m so jealous of people who have found inner peace and happiness. I wish I knew how they do it. I don’t think I’ll ever find it and that scares me.

Hugs everyone...and hang in there...Holidays are coming up and for once I'm not looking forward to them...I celebrate in a "secular way" because I like to give (and get ), but I'm not in the mood...I'm tired of being around people. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do.

Take it easy, people.
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