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Old 09-30-2008, 04:49 PM
  # 201 (permalink)  
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Try to remember that your brain has been feeling the effects of alcohol abuse for I assume, years...it takes time to repair. A visit to the Dr. is a great idea...exercise also helps depression a lot...Try to read if you can....almost impossible to think and read at the same time.

Easy on putting yourself down...you are doing great.
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Old 09-30-2008, 06:55 PM
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Jeez bam...sorry i missed you!!!!! Bugs is right you can do this!

You are working toward getting any help you need and that is a great thing to do!
You are stronger than the voice....it has no hands and you must do its bidding to get the job done. Shut it down...no negotiation.
You are strong and getting stronger every day. The thought of drinking will fade the longer you refuse to give in to it. And you are not alone!!!! (sorry I was with a friend all afternoon, but look at what happened ... there was still someone who has been where you are to be with you!!!!

I like the jist of bugsys advise....find something to do some activity that requires you to think about it instead of the voice in your head.

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Old 09-30-2008, 07:19 PM
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I'm sober tonight...I can't believe it...peace, people.
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Old 09-30-2008, 07:44 PM
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I am sooooo happy! Thanks for checking in too!!!1:ghug
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Old 10-01-2008, 04:52 PM
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This morning I woke up "depressed"....i sat outside with my dogs did some meditation and had coffee. Then I checked in on SR.

Its amazing how these little things can help.

I think I will try that again tomarrow
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:00 PM
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took me a call to the dr and 3 hours awake to remember to go out side..meditate..etc.

Slow learner


feeling somewhat better...also made sure to spend some time with other alchoholics and adddicts and care about their problems....that really does work!
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:04 PM
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Glad your feeling better ananda...ya know it has been said that it takes 21 days to break or make a new habit...it seems it then becomes more natural to do...less forced.

Maybe not such a slow learner after all!
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Old 10-02-2008, 12:35 PM
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Hello, everyone!
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Old 10-02-2008, 01:28 PM
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:ghug2
Hello all!

Glad you are feeling better ananda!
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Old 10-02-2008, 07:50 PM
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I am starting to think I'm too screwed up to be successful in my academic program right now. I'm not sure what I should do.
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Old 10-02-2008, 08:36 PM
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SS....when I got sober I was so upset cause i wasn't "near as good at my job". But you know, My 25% effort was better than most peoples 100% (yes i am arragant!!! and i cant spell either :ghug2)

My standards were a little high and my expectations. I thought i was failing at work when actually they were quite content with my progress.....double check with a trusted mentor in academics to see if your persception makes sense and what they advise!

:ghug3
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Old 10-02-2008, 11:15 PM
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Old 10-03-2008, 01:13 AM
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SS, what's going on? You are an intelligent person...I know I don't know you, but I gather that from your posts.

I know I've never been to grad school, but when I was an undergrad, I used to hang out with a bunch of grads in my department. From what I saw, these people became totally immersed in their work. It was more than a job. Many of them would practically live in their respective studio spaces throughout the semesters.

You know better than I do that it's tough. Recovery is hard enough when there is nothing else to worry about...you have so much on your plate right now...I can only imagine the unbelievable stress...Please don't be hard on yourself. My heart goes out to you...I hope you can find a way to see it through. You are taking positive steps in your life to make this possibility a reality. Hang in there.
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Old 10-03-2008, 06:23 PM
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hey whats up guys?

Bam...are you feeling any better

SS...worried about you girl

DK...so quiet

OK i'm switching to friends and family!

Today I took care of my body...our brain is a part of that and if I take care of my physical body, it improves my brain function which makes my mental processes better and improves not only my chances of staying sober, but improves my ability to handle life!

I am going to watch my coffeee intake tonight and get plenty of rest...

I had less trouble today with that negative self hatred stuff, though i did notice that when I am angry at someone else, my first reaction is to do something that is hurtful to ME....wow...taking a hard look at that one!
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:49 PM
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I set myself free :)

This day ended more positively than I could have imagined from the way it started. You guys know I am in a medical-y field? Well, today I had to deal with a death. My first. It was... ya know. It was death. It sucked. It had a lot of reasons to be extra-tragic. There was truly nothing anyone could have done, myself included. Just one of those things, as they say.

Shortly after that happened, I set myself to facing this long-overdue paper that may get me kicked out of school. That also felt bad and piled on top of the death-related thing. Then I opened my email and found an evaluation from something on Tuesday... not a good eval. No exaggerating there, it was bad. I was trying to work on the paper but just kept falling asleep in the coffee shop, it was like my brain was trying to turn off without my permission. So I left the coffee place and started to fall apart. I felt like I would never feel better, that nothing could make me feel better, and that it was time to stop at the liquor store on the way home. If I couldn't change the feeling, I would make it go away. I remembered resolving when I joined AA that if I was going to drink, I would at least call my sponsor first, no matter what. So I told myself, fine, I'll call my sponsor and then I'm going to the store, I don't care what she says. I'm just doing this because I said I would but then I'm drinking cause I'm not feeling this anymore, that is that.

Well, once I got off the phone with my sponsor, I wasn't ready to drink anymore. Then a friend called to see if I wanted to go to a meeting with her. By the time the meeting ended, I knew the liquor stores were closed, and I was home free.

Once I got home, I emailed my program director. I told her about my alcoholism and my sobriety. I think at this point it can only help me. And now I am free from the terror of wondering what she would say if she knew, no matter what the outcome is it's better than the uncertainty. And my sobriety is a good thing. It's the only chance I've got for things to improve.

I'll let you guys know how it turns out. Now I need to sleep. I have been through the wringer. Thanks for the caring posts
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:57 PM
  # 216 (permalink)  
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ss.....

somethin had to give and I'm glad it wasn't your sobriety! Now maybe you will have some time to focus on yourself and your soberiety! I'm so proud of you for calling your sponsor even wehn you were sure it wouldn't help...I call mine pissed off that i'm even calling sometimes

I know you need to sleep, and so do i but pm me tomarrow and let me know how you are doing!!!!

Love ya!
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Old 10-04-2008, 01:06 AM
  # 217 (permalink)  
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Hey everyone...

SS

ananda, glad to hear you are doing better.

...I'm still edgy. WTF...it's 4AM here...I'm wide awake, yet tired. At least I got 9 hours of interrupted (many times) sleep.

I'll be truthful...I wake up every day now with the intention of buying liquor or beer...but can't muster enough resolve to follow through with it, yet (eek!). It's taken over my thoughts. I'm still sober, but what's the good in that if I can't stop obsessing? I have no life right now. I wasn't like this a month ago. Why can't I control my brain? I'm tired of this "going with the flow" crap.

Silly me...I was hoping quitting my job would be such a relief that I'd feel a lot better. I do feel better in some ways, but the restlessness/anxiety/aggitation/etc. is still there. I'm not naive...just desperate. I still think leaving my job was a good choice for me...I would have eventually walked out and I don't like doing that.

Hello, DK...how goes it?

Stone, you here?

The two zens?

Anyone else I'm forgetting?

Take it easy, everyone...
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Old 10-04-2008, 05:57 AM
  # 218 (permalink)  
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I'm doing ok. Made a decision to move off of Long Island (ridiculously expensive here) and head down to Asheville, NC. Nice art community there and I have friends there already. Now I just need to make enough money to make the move. I'm looking towards next spring to do it.

Now, if they could only arrest my ex who fled to Myrtle Beach to avoid paying the $90,000 in child support arrears he owes...I'd have it made!!! (His parents would cough up the money before they would see their little boy in jail.)

But, I've got to deal with what's in front of me, and act as if that money will never come. So, I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.

Thanks for asking Bam.
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Old 10-04-2008, 08:38 AM
  # 219 (permalink)  
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I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
HA! Thanks zendust...i needed that!

Yeah...I never saw a dime of child support.....funny i rarely think about that anymore.

I am always happy to see folks check in. connection is nice.

I'm a little bit tender and sore...slept well and woke up not sore...but it did kick in fairly quickly as no asprin or anything since 10pm last night.

Woke up grumpy cause i miss some of my SR friends who are not posting at the moment....I understand...but just sorta felt sad and therefore irritated this morning.

But you are all here today As am I.
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Old 10-04-2008, 09:36 AM
  # 220 (permalink)  
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Checkity-check-check...

The day's brighter. I got emailed back by my program director that was, I would say, cautiously hopeful. Grateful that I named what was going on... it was clear to everyone that something was. There are problems I had last year that have completely resolved, and odd new ones that have popped up. None of it really makes sense outside of new sobriety so I think people are like, "what is up with this girl?!"

I know if I drank yesterday I would have numbed out, only to wake up to the same, yet intensified negative feelings I was having until I picked up the first drink... plus I'd be hung-over. Now, I have worked through some of it and it's a new day. I have a sort of grief hangover (?) I guess, but I'll take it. I can work with that.

Since this is secular check-in, I feel like I can safely kvetch: What is up with saying, when something horribly heart-rendingly sad and senseless happens, "Everything happens for a reason"? Is it strange that that reeeally bothers me? I guess the way I see it, is things just happens, and learn lessons from it whenever you can- life is fragile, how to help someone grieve, I can't control everything, are things I'm taking from my recent experience for example- but to say it happened for some reason? It bugs me.

Bam, Zen, Ananda... love you guys!
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