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Old 04-29-2016, 05:49 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Any tips on how to handle this?


I posted in the other thread about my son Chris dying from a drug overdose. The memorial service is this coming Monday. On his Facebook page we posted that he had passed away and the details of the service so his friends would know. We just wrote that as of now the cause of death was unknown. We did this because we don't mind them knowing it was an overdose but if they come to the service our grandkids might overhear them talking about it.

In time, when we feel they are ready to hear it, we plan to tell our grandchildren the truth about their dad but they have enough with just grieving his loss right now. We don't want them to think he was 'bad' and burden them more. Their mother agrees.

So on the Facebook page (which we will eventually take down) most are just saying they are sorry and nice things. A few are speculating among themselves if it was an overdose as many of them are his old friends who he used to party with and they all were into alcohol/drugs. It wasn't till recently that I even knew he was communicating with some of them. I don't know them all that well. Just as friends from the old days type of thing.

I'm fine with having them come to the ceremony but what if they ask me outright if it was drugs? I need some suggestions on what to say. I could say we just don't know yet. If I quietly say "I can't discuss this now because of the grandchildren being around" then they'll know (which is fine) but then if one tells the other then one of the kids might hear. We always think the kids don't hear when they really do. It is possible it won't come up at all but just want to be prepared.

Also, I don't know most of these friends by seeing them although I might once I see them again. I do remember their names (mostly). They are mostly old friends from when Chris was back in high school.

Any ideas?
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Old 04-29-2016, 06:58 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hello KariSue,
You have my sincere condolences, and my compassion for what you are feeling and going thru. I came across your post under 'New Posts' and I believe it is posted in the Secular section for Family Members. I will respect that.

Often, 'Secular' means we have reasons for rejecting the opinions of others regarding what they 'insist' on trying to force everyone to believe regarding their religious beliefs ... Valid.

However, that does not necessarily mean we are shutting our eyes and minds blindly to the obvious observations that there is so much more to our existence, and the existence of time and the entirety of the universe ... than we, or anyone limited with a brain the size of a doubled fist ... can realistically completely know and understand. (Whew, that statement alone took some contemplation and convoluted construction of wording).

So ... my suggestion ... Pray about it ... and then listen, in a completely silenced state of quiet-mind meditation. Simply say a heartfelt prayer, acknowledging your state of uncertainty about the prayer itself, and the situation / dilemma you are in, and ask for guidance ... and then STOP the mental churning ... and listen, in in a completely silenced state of quiet-mind meditation.

What this will do, is allow freedom from the mind-churning to 'solve the problem' thru the current limited process we have of solving the dilemma. It will help allow a broader perspective, and actually allow us to be open to the unknown possibilities of an existence we have limited capabilities to ever completely comprehend.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... Free from having to be the ME, I limit myself to be.
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Old 04-29-2016, 07:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you for your kindness. I know your heart is in the right place but I'm an atheist and this just isn't something I believe. I couldn't pray any more than you could 'not' pray.
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Old 04-29-2016, 08:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. I recently went to a distant friend's daughter's funeral. I did not know for sure why she passed as she was very young. I did ask someone at the funeral in a very low voice (no one else around) if she knew what had happed to her. She confirmed it was an H overdose. I did not ever repeat what she told me to anyone else. However, I consider myself a pretty tactful person.

I would like to think his friends would be tactful as well, but you don't ever know. I would consider telling them the truth, and let them know that you are trying to protect the children and ask if they could keep it to themselves. Stress how important it is to protect the children. People of all backgrounds normally rally to protect a child, so hopefully they would do so as well.

I also have a client who told me she lost her grown son. I asked her what happened to him (I know her quite well), she just said he had suffered from depression and addiction issues his entire life and left it at that. I did not need any further explanation as no matter how he passed, I know it's tragic for her and their family, I would never dream of pushing any further.

That is just my thoughts of course. I can only say that I would likely do what my client did if you don't feel comfortable just telling them. Any grown adult can put two and two together.

I want to tell you again, you are in my heart. I just cannot imagine what all you are going through. Keep reaching out here at SR, we are definitely here for you. Chris is no longer struggling with addiction and wrestling that beast, I hope he can now rest in peace.
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Old 04-29-2016, 10:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks I have considered that. I will see what the rest of my family thinks especially the grandkids mom.

Thank you for caring.

Kari
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Old 04-30-2016, 10:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you're going through this. A friend of mine recently passed away from a seizure due to alcoholism and her family really wanted to keep her memory positive. A simple "he was very ill" should suffice. If people ask further questions just tell them you'd rather not discuss it now. I don't know if that helps. Wishing you strength and peace in the coming days and months. xoxox
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Old 04-30-2016, 11:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Practically speaking, in terms of the service itself, perhaps the best response would simply be "I won't be discussing that during this service." If they want to contact you later, then they can.
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Old 05-03-2016, 02:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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We had his memorial last evening and no one even asked so that was good. It was a beautiful ceremony and I was the officiant, lol.

Since we are not religious, there was no minister so I did it for my son. I had my sister as a back up in case I couldn't read what I had written but I did just fine. Several people came up to me afterwards and said I did such a good job and they loved the poems I picked to include too. I was motivated. I wanted to make it special because I loved my son so much.

I also had my sister on alert to be the 'bouncer' if needed but it wasn't. Meaning that I knew some of Chris' old friends were coming and they are nice people but a lot of them, like him, were the friends he used to party with and do alcohol and drugs with. When one hugged me, I could smell alcohol on his breath but there were no problems whatsoever which was a relief.

I am glad the funeral is over as it was hard for his children. They seem pretty resilient as they seemed more like their old selves at my other son's house where we gathered after the funeral.

How I do hate all things drugs. It ravages families. I just hope my grandchildren never get involved in drugs/alcohol because it runs in the family and they are surely predisposed. That's scary.

I've never had so many hugs in one day and that was wonderful....really wonderful. It was great to see so many people come to the memorial. Some knew his issues and some didn't but all were supportive.
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Old 05-04-2016, 05:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I am glad it all went well, it sounds like that room was filled with love, for him, for you and for all who loved him.
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Old 05-05-2016, 08:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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That describes if perfectly Ann.
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Old 05-12-2016, 06:16 AM   #11 (permalink)
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KariSue, How are you doing?
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Old 05-15-2016, 06:09 PM   #12 (permalink)
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KariSue, How are you doing?
I am doing okay considering. Thank you for asking.
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