Spoke with H about Drinking
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 38
Spoke with H about Drinking
I decided to post this here because I am using the CRAFT techniques outlined in "Beyond Addiction" for my situation.
I had my talk with H about his drinking. I think it went really well as far as hearing and understanding each other.
We both shared what we felt are the pro's and con's of the drinking. I told him my concerns, especially concerning health.
Our action plan:
No driving after drinking.
He will talk to his counselor about his drinking. His counselor has asked H a lot of drinking related questions already, so shouldn't be surprised.
Something I find so interesting is that H has already spoken to his GP about drinking and was told 2 drinks (or half bottle of wine) per day maximum. He is hoping that his counselor will give him a different (higher) number. He thinks that 2 is super low and arbitrary. I pointed out that a lot of research and statistics went into that number. But, the fact remains, he wants someone to tell him that it's okay to drink as much as he drinks. I already know that he isn't going to find a healthcare professional in our network to tell him high risk drinking is okay.
I did agree with him that he is drinking less than he has in the past. But, I told him that I am still uncomfortable with the amount. I think he is hoping to convince me that a higher amount than the recommendation is okay. He also still wants to compare it to any other vice...like eating candy.
Since our talk he has looked into breathalyzers (more for curiosity sake) and measured his wine pour to see how much it was. He made a point of only drinking 2 glasses. He said I have gotten him thinking about his drinking habits and I think that is a good thing. I think he has some denial and bargaining going on, but there is also a new awareness. I think he will also start reading more information about alcohol. He also asked that we get some iced tea for him to drink.
I feel good about this progress. I am perfectly happy allowing him some time to become aware, speak to his counselor and see if he is able to moderate. I admit to hoping that he can be a moderate drinker, but I am prepared that he might be beyond that.
Actions I plan to take if he can't stay within low-risk drinking limits are: marriage counseling, encouraging him to quit drinking completely and seek addiction help.
So, now I need to start implementing positive alternatives to drinking. I think for now I will start with us going on a walk in the evening a couple nights a week. We've also talked about classes we could try, but his work hours are unpredictable.
I'm also continuing to work on myself and talked to H about the things I am working on so I can get some encouragement and support. I also feel like it's important for him to see that I recognize that I am not perfect and I am willing to work on things that are difficult for me.
I had my talk with H about his drinking. I think it went really well as far as hearing and understanding each other.
We both shared what we felt are the pro's and con's of the drinking. I told him my concerns, especially concerning health.
Our action plan:
No driving after drinking.
He will talk to his counselor about his drinking. His counselor has asked H a lot of drinking related questions already, so shouldn't be surprised.
Something I find so interesting is that H has already spoken to his GP about drinking and was told 2 drinks (or half bottle of wine) per day maximum. He is hoping that his counselor will give him a different (higher) number. He thinks that 2 is super low and arbitrary. I pointed out that a lot of research and statistics went into that number. But, the fact remains, he wants someone to tell him that it's okay to drink as much as he drinks. I already know that he isn't going to find a healthcare professional in our network to tell him high risk drinking is okay.
I did agree with him that he is drinking less than he has in the past. But, I told him that I am still uncomfortable with the amount. I think he is hoping to convince me that a higher amount than the recommendation is okay. He also still wants to compare it to any other vice...like eating candy.
Since our talk he has looked into breathalyzers (more for curiosity sake) and measured his wine pour to see how much it was. He made a point of only drinking 2 glasses. He said I have gotten him thinking about his drinking habits and I think that is a good thing. I think he has some denial and bargaining going on, but there is also a new awareness. I think he will also start reading more information about alcohol. He also asked that we get some iced tea for him to drink.
I feel good about this progress. I am perfectly happy allowing him some time to become aware, speak to his counselor and see if he is able to moderate. I admit to hoping that he can be a moderate drinker, but I am prepared that he might be beyond that.
Actions I plan to take if he can't stay within low-risk drinking limits are: marriage counseling, encouraging him to quit drinking completely and seek addiction help.
So, now I need to start implementing positive alternatives to drinking. I think for now I will start with us going on a walk in the evening a couple nights a week. We've also talked about classes we could try, but his work hours are unpredictable.
I'm also continuing to work on myself and talked to H about the things I am working on so I can get some encouragement and support. I also feel like it's important for him to see that I recognize that I am not perfect and I am willing to work on things that are difficult for me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Whowho, that sounds like a great first step! Your H is looking at his habits and willing to examine his intake amounts - although he is wavering about how much to cut down. My H did this too. He wanted to find backup to continue drinking, to validate it. That, as I understand it, is an important step in them realizing that they have a problem, when others will not validate the amount that they drink.
Some people are able to maintain a low-level drinking limit. My husband isn't one of them, but there are people in the world who can.
It really does sound like your husband is looking to find some healthy steps to take. I commend you for being open and honest, and your husband for being open and honest also. And, you also for working on yourself. In an environment where there is addiction, so often we place ourselves on the back burner and neglect our own needs. We develop maladaptive coping behaviours. Awesome that you are willing to look at yourself too. I have started looking at myself, and it's hard, but worthwhile.
Some people are able to maintain a low-level drinking limit. My husband isn't one of them, but there are people in the world who can.
It really does sound like your husband is looking to find some healthy steps to take. I commend you for being open and honest, and your husband for being open and honest also. And, you also for working on yourself. In an environment where there is addiction, so often we place ourselves on the back burner and neglect our own needs. We develop maladaptive coping behaviours. Awesome that you are willing to look at yourself too. I have started looking at myself, and it's hard, but worthwhile.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Great Work WhoWho!
I agree with everything Charley said.
I think as its pointed out in the Beyond Addiction book, often there is ambivalence, and its actually ok because this is part of the process of learning and growing.
I agree with everything Charley said.
I think as its pointed out in the Beyond Addiction book, often there is ambivalence, and its actually ok because this is part of the process of learning and growing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 38
Thanks, friends. I think that the book has helped me feel comfortable with the process and not hung up on change happening immediately.
It was really hard to start talking to H about this. I kept saying "this is really hard to say" which of course gave him major worry! We both have baggage from our previous marriages and that can sometimes make it harder than it should be to talk about problems. We're still learning how we deal with tough topics together. Luckily, it always turns out better than fine.
It was really hard to start talking to H about this. I kept saying "this is really hard to say" which of course gave him major worry! We both have baggage from our previous marriages and that can sometimes make it harder than it should be to talk about problems. We're still learning how we deal with tough topics together. Luckily, it always turns out better than fine.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
It is great that you are having an honest dialog but I have never known an alcoholic that was eased into quitting drinking or quit drinking because of logic.
If he is an alcoholic moderating his drinking is a lost cause. It simply can't be done no matter how hard he tries.
Stick around and ask lots questions. There is a ton of experience strength and hope here
If he is an alcoholic moderating his drinking is a lost cause. It simply can't be done no matter how hard he tries.
Stick around and ask lots questions. There is a ton of experience strength and hope here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 38
I'm not sure if H has the addiction or not. I figure time will tell. I will say that he doesn't seem to think his alcohol abuse counts as real alcohol abuse. I guess his logic is that having your (now XW) move out or kick you out would upset anyone and so coping by alcohol abuse is justified.
It's one thing to think you aren't an alcoholic, it's quite another to try to justify your alcohol abuse as something other than alcohol abuse.
He also thinks that his roommates have exaggerated about him crawling upstairs to his room or the fact he can't really remember certain events that happened during that time period. He admits to drinking up to 3 bottles of wine a day....which means it was probably more. I reminded him of when he proposed to me- he was drunk and fell over and crawled up the stairs, so I don't think it is an exaggeration.
Anyway, he thinks that since he doesn't get the shakes he can't be an alcoholic. That's fine. I don't have a need to label him. I just know that if he can't drink within low risk limits he needs to quit completely. And drinking is a ****** coping skill.
It's one thing to think you aren't an alcoholic, it's quite another to try to justify your alcohol abuse as something other than alcohol abuse.
He also thinks that his roommates have exaggerated about him crawling upstairs to his room or the fact he can't really remember certain events that happened during that time period. He admits to drinking up to 3 bottles of wine a day....which means it was probably more. I reminded him of when he proposed to me- he was drunk and fell over and crawled up the stairs, so I don't think it is an exaggeration.
Anyway, he thinks that since he doesn't get the shakes he can't be an alcoholic. That's fine. I don't have a need to label him. I just know that if he can't drink within low risk limits he needs to quit completely. And drinking is a ****** coping skill.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
You're completely right, whowho. There is no need to label, if alcohol is a problem then it's a problem. I commend you for tackling the issue with him. My H could and still can see the rational and logical reasons why he cannot drink, I did have to take some serious steps before he quit but it's that knowledge that keeps him sober.
Drinking was a "pain killer" for my H too. Its those pains that need to be addressed and healed. I struggle with H about that, he thinks not drinking is enough, but those hurts are still within him.
We try to work on some of those hurts together but some of them he needs to tackle on his own. Its hard but completely doable.
Good luck, whowho!
Drinking was a "pain killer" for my H too. Its those pains that need to be addressed and healed. I struggle with H about that, he thinks not drinking is enough, but those hurts are still within him.
We try to work on some of those hurts together but some of them he needs to tackle on his own. Its hard but completely doable.
Good luck, whowho!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
This is exactly what I needed to read today. My husband is a year and a half clean from his opiate addiction, and he doesn't think drinking will become a problem for him because it never has been. I'm terrified to have to go through this whole thing again-this time my eyes will be open to the problem, but to watch him start with half a beer a night now and in who knows how much time it be a 6 pack a night, until it spirals out of control to the point that I have to enforce my boundary of needing a healthy home for me and the kids. This sounds like a fantastic way to deal with it head on, openly, while letting him explore his boundaries since that's what he is going to do anyway, but having a line drawn for what is acceptable.
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