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Old 05-31-2015, 06:13 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Confusion and pain

I ended things with my alcoholic ex-fiancé about a year ago. There was a last straw, a last mean and scary binge--verbal and emotional abuse targeted at my most tender spots, manipulation, etc. My boundaries were such that the relationship would have to end if this happened again, and unfortunately it all went down when he was out of town for awhile (unrelated to relationship issues.) I lost sight of any love and compassion I had for him, I was consumed with anger and blame, I pushed him away hard. I cared not a bit that he was suffering, and he was. There was no emotional safety for either of us anymore in the shreds of a bond that once felt rare and unbreakable.

I lost hope and I let go. A nugget of hope remained for a long time, though. He did not want to let go, he could say the right things, he wanted to do the right things, but in the end he never stepped up. He continued to drink and I continued on with life in the frame of mind that it was well and truly done. We had other issues--communication, pot and cigarettes being primary (on both our parts) but alcohol was the only insurmountable issue for me, it changed him so horribly and I did not react even remotely gracefully. He had a long history with it and so did I--my grown children's father was an alcoholic/pill addict who died from his addictions.

So I worked on myself. I began, slowly, to find me again, to be a woman who could be soft again in the world again instead of the often resentful, on guard, expecting the worst, withdrawn pothead who would have one foot out the door whenever trouble started to arise. I found compassion and love for him again. I have faced my own poor choices made at critical junctures and continued to carve out a new shape for my life--new activities, good friends, adventures, immersing myself in learning and applying knowledge of addiction. But it all came too late to make any difference in the relationship--he moved on quickly when he realized that I was seriously done and is now with someone else. Ship sailed, story over and more heartbreak. My love for him became a dull presence that flared up in fits of nostalgia, but I knew time would be a good friend.

We ceased contact a few months ago after the last tie between us was dealt with--getting his stuff out of my home. He wouldn't help, after having many months of opportunity to do so, even after he was in the new relationship. I gave his family whatever they were willing to take and have continued to put out free piles and make goodwill runs--there was A LOT of stuff and it's not all gone yet. I considered it abandoned.

So lately he has returned to the area and has contacted me inquiring if I still have anything. I never expected to hear from him again--when I saw his name in my inbox my stomach flipped and it was amazing how quickly my walls flew up. Danger Will Robinson! Turns out he is being civil and friendly, but I now know he is back and living with his girlfriend. More than I want to know. He wanted to come out with her to get what remains. I said no. I cannot bear to see him again only to have him drive away one last time with someone else. I am open to a storage unit or a pod or something and told him that.

This small contact has thrown me for a loop, ratcheting my feelings of grief and loss up to unbearable levels once again. I thought I was doing better, now I just want to lay on the floor and cry, I am so confused. I could write a book on his wonderful qualities and another on his Mr. Hyde qualities. I don't know if leaving him will be my biggest regret or if staying with him would have been. I cannot stop crying.

Which brings me here. How you approach things on these boards probably COULD have made a difference with us, we are both people who would be responsive to these ideas. The what ifs are consuming me.

I don't know what I'm looking for here, perspective perhaps, a listening ear from people who understand my conflicted and overwhelming emotions. I do commend you all who are trying to find a different path.

Last edited by Seedpod; 05-31-2015 at 06:16 PM. Reason: Correct spelling
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Old 06-01-2015, 12:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Seepod. I am so sorry you are hurting and in pain. I'm currently in a marriage where the verbal abuse still happens - not as often, but enough to make me question myself. I congratulate you for being strong enough to know you deserve to be respected. I don't have any advice, but I do have an ear if you need to talk. Hugs.
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Old 06-01-2015, 01:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Seedpod thank you for your lovely post. So beautifully written. It looks like since he's made contact with you, you are having some doubts about your decision? But by what you've written here, I feel that you have made the correct one. Plus as you said, time was your friend, and you were able to move on with your life and forget him.
It's just his coming back into your life that has you all confused and emotional. I think you found closure the first time you parted ways and didn't expect him to resurface. Now that he has, you are not sure what you feel or why?
But the reason I feel you made the correct choice in parting ways is because your life is better without him....and the way he jumped into a new relationship reveals a lot about him. I'm not sure he is what you need in a partner? It's good you recognized this. I also think your decision to not put yourself through another meeting and subsequent parting of ways again is practicing good self-care....and the right decision also.

I'm here too if you need to talk!
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Old 06-01-2015, 02:35 PM   #4 (permalink)

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Hi Seedpod,

Im sorry the wound was opened back up when he contacted you. Having an ex come by with his new girl would be like pouring salt on it IMO. I think if you could transfer his things to a storage unit or something would be good and help bring closure.

Thank you for your post. Its recommended people who suffer from addictions seek personalized care which can meet all their individual needs. The same approach must be used for family members and friends because no two situations are alike, and people are all blessedly unique.
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:21 AM   #5 (permalink)

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Thank you all for reading that long post of mine and replying with kindness and support, it means so much.

Yes, my emotions are all over the place. One day weepy, the next firmly planted in reality and looking forward to returning to the freedom that I was truly starting to enjoy. I was feeling increasing wisps of contentment, happiness and optimism again. Then he contacts me and I am wallowing in the nostalgia of what was good, grieving the loss of what I thought would be and what I loved so much about him. And yes, questioning my decision, wondering if it could have been otherwise.

But the little contact I have had with him is reminding me of how immature and
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:54 AM   #6 (permalink)

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Gah, accidently posted too soon, touchy keyboard.

Anyway, I am remembering how immature and self centered he can be, and how he does not seem to understand how his behavior affects others. I made it clear to him that I did not want to see him or meet her and to get a storage unit or send a pod. Hopefully this will be resolved soon.

Again, thank you all for your shoulders, this is all very emotionally confusing and it helps so much to get it out.
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Old 06-03-2015, 12:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Sending a pod sounds like a perfect idea. Load it up and he's on his way. You'll never have to have contact with him again. I am so sorry you're hurting. It's a perfectly normal reaction to mourn someone you loved when you hear from him again. I hope you find healing. It's an ongoing process, as you know. From what you've written here I think continuing to move on would be the best decision you could make for yourself.

Love and hugs to you. xo
The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.
― Pema Chödrön
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Old 06-03-2015, 01:17 PM   #8 (permalink)

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Oh Seedpod, I just had a funny thinking about a Pod carrying all his stuff away. Id tie some cans on the back of it, a couple of those flowing banners. Now that would be a send off!

Ok I probably would want to do that, but wouldnt. Ha!

I think what your feeling is normal too. It will get better with time.

((Hugs)) to Seedpod!
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Old 06-15-2015, 01:55 PM   #9 (permalink)

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Hi Seedpod,
I agree with the others in thanking you for sharing your story. And, like PinkClouds, I'm still in a troubled marriage, so from this perspective, the distance and solidity you've established separate from your ex seems admirable.

A long time ago someone broke my heart. For way too long I obsessed about it, wondering if he ever really loved me, if I would ever love again, etc. etc.

One day I had a moment of clarity when I realized that all that mattered was that I could love that way. It didn't matter what he did or didn't do; it mattered that I was capable of feeling the way I felt and being the way I was with him.

I think I still agonized over him for another several years or so, but that idea--that all we really know is how we feel, and all we can control is how we behave--stayed with me.

I hope this is helpful.
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Old 07-12-2017, 12:46 AM   #10 (permalink)

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You're totally on the right track. Believe in your gut. I admire your strength. I would probably cave and then regret it and be back in the crap again. But you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Time will continue your healing. I know it.
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Old 07-20-2017, 08:33 AM   #11 (permalink)

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Just posted this on F&F - then saw your post

I am in a different but similar emotional turmoil here. My husband left 8 months ago after he had had a traumatic car accident.....

Me and AH (although he has problems with alcohol/not nec. alcoholic apparently) recently had face to face contact to discuss divorce...since then he has been asking me to give him another chance to prove himself to me... Asking for time for us to resolve our problems...even if I go ahead with the divorce.

After feeling strong and moving forward - I am now in turmoil.
I find I do still love him - just walled it off somewhere inside .

Whether he is alcoholic or not (and he does not fit the bill of the persistent alcoholic - but alcohol has caused many problems over the years. His lying/people pleasing/low self esteem mixed with the big I am moods followed by a crash (he is so crashed right now) have caused /enhanced more problems.

I have not always dealt with it well and I am aware my codependency and overresponsible(controlling?) reactions have made matters worse but nothing as bad as abandoning him with nothing but a text message (which he did to me 8 months ago)

He wants to go into therapy and put his life in order...also claims he wanted me back 2 weeks after he left but felt lost and that I hated him (I did/do).

Claims he will pay his debts, sign house over to me, give me all passwords, only mutual friends on social media (he had been doing some over friendly or fake chatting to make himself feel better - pathetic/sick?) see therapist then couples therapy etc etc

Obviously words are easy but even if their is action - is it worth it?
I am being so calm and caring on the surface but I made it clear I have one foot out of the door already.

My friends say kick him to the curb
I am not sure I can right now
Was thinking to say ok 6 months - show me how you changed and we can talk then.
Even if it fails maybe at least we can end things more civilly and less abruptly plus therapy will help me for the future too

One minute all this sounds feasible - the next it seems ridiculous
:sc oregood
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