readerbaby71

"codependent dry drunk" is a ridiculous term, IMO, but I saw so much of myself in this article. I don't agree with all of it but I do think it was worth reading even though it was harsh.

I grew up in a home with a depressed food-addicted mom who is an ACOA, and a father who is an enabler. As the oldest of seven children I stepped into the mother role. My parents are very loving, kind people but there was still a lot of dysfunction. In therapy I finally understood the root of a lot of my problems, but it hasn't made it any easier to change my behaviors! When my dad starts lecturing me about having "wounded bird syndrome" I now say "where do you think I learned it?!" Haha

Carlotta

I agree plus I really do not like the term "dry drunk" but if I am truly honest with myself, there have been instances with my alcoholic loved ones when if someone had walked in and been asked: who is the drunk? they would have pointed at me: red faced, yelling and acting codie crazy.
Like you RB, I am the eldest. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was on pills (and a bona fide codie to boot).
I was a latchkey kid and had to deal with many things. I remember my mother asking me to fire her cleaning lady for her when I was 16 because she just could not deal with it >rolling eyes<
I feel I did quite a good job with my alcoholism and codependency but I know that at some point I will have to address my acoa stuff because sometimes it really bugs me.
There was another thread on the F&F where some people posted about alcoholics posting here and it got me in tears (which is ridiculous). Right there, the panic set in: the feeling of not belonging, being less than then the stupid thinking...
it's kind of ironic because the op (and a few others) posted about being triggered by alcoholics on board and them being triggered by alcoholics triggered my ACOA LOL
The big progress I saw in me is that I refrained from responding (either in an angry way or worst in a "wounded bird" manner) and was able to see where those emotions were coming from.

Ps: I was just thinking that I might be suffering much more from being an ACOC (adult child of a codie) than an ACOA. My father would drink and get completely flaky and embarrass himself but he was harmless...his drinking would trigger my mom screaming, lashing out and taking it out on me (physically and verbally). My dad might have sometimes said hurtful things but he never beat me. (I almost erased this last part but it is good for me to put it out there, I never talk to anyone about it).

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Carlotta. ((HUGS))

Chino

Since I first came here, I've read the advice time and again, that new members shouldn't beat themselves up as they frequently do. It's non productive and only reinforces low self esteem and lack of self respect.

The posted commentary is more than mere observation and not even clinical. It does not provide experience, strength, and hope, not that I could see. I'm not ACOA and maybe I'm missing something here, but, how does the harsh and contemptuous approach from a spouse do anything other than continue to tear individuals apart, instead of promote healing?

readerbaby71

It is poorly written and definitely has a tone of anger and bitterness. However, there are nuggets of truth that can be taken from the rambling mess of that article. Seeing some of the glaringly negative aspects of my character in black and white was shocking but also healing in a way.

People's reactions to it is what can tear us apart. As long as we have respect for others' opinions I don't see a problem.

FireSprite

(((((Carlotta)))) It must have been very difficult to share that & I am sorry that the other thread triggered you. fwiw - I have always highly valued the things that you share so please don't let something like that post make you hesitate to continue doing what you do.

In all honesty, I sometimes have to remind myself that some of you all are double winners... I forget because your addictions don't take front & center attention when you post in the F&F forums.

I think that for me this article misses the mark mostly because it's such a big generalization to a group of people combined with using the wrong words/labels sometimes. (Like Codependent when ACoA is more fitting, etc.) It's like saying every addict is EXACTLY the same and we know that isn't true even when there are obvious similarities.

It's also seems to paint an extreme picture of the Codie here - I AM an ACoA but compared to so many others my damage is much more "vanilla" - no abuse, etc. So when I found myself identifying with parts of this blog, the scenario/example would go TOO FAR in an extreme direction & I would lose the thread thinking, "Well, that's not me at ALL". Some of it just doesn't resonate & comes off sarcastic & offensive. (and reading some of his other blogs I get the sense that he is simply a harsh communicator/journalist) And, again, it is based in OPINION not FACT.

Chino

I agree. That is why I lean toward professional observation and commentary and or first person experience. A factual or at least theoretical approach rather than an emotional one.

Needabreak

"The author is a political satirist and is using symbolism to compare Democrats and Republicans. This, nor the rest of his "series" has anything to do with drug addiction."

Well done, Cynical One. You have an incisive mind. Google is our friend. The article is from the Daily Kos, and is written by someone who writes under the nickname Bernard Pliers. Google "Bernard Pliers Daily Kos" to see some more of this person's writing. The person doesn't write under their own name nor do they claim any academic qualifications whatsoever. For all we know, it's an angry addict who wrote this piece.

Shame on anyone who would post such an article as somehow authoritative......

BlueChair

All of the bashing of the author really serves no purpose. We have already had several long time members of SR validate the content of the post by saying Yes they can relate, and yes they identify with some or most of whats being shared. Even if they think the tone is harsh, its been validated.

So can we please let it go of the insults, its very rude.

The thread has reached some people and been beneficial, and I posted it because I found it helpful.

There are many threads on SR I cant associate with, completely disagree with, big deal, move on.

All these negative remarks only serve to intimidate people who might want to share something about their own lives in relation to the article. I don’t think they would fear the article, but the responses they might receive.

readerbaby71

Nobody claimed that the guy is an authority on anything. People can think and use their own minds to decide what's valid for them and what isn't. No one is an authority here either but I get a lot out of others' posts, even when I may disagree.

Needabreak

This article was taken seriously by some people because it was presented to them as a serious piece of work. Others of us saw it as quackery and said so -- and after doing some research it seems that that is exactly what it is.

There are a lot of quacks who hang their shingles out and present themselves as experts in this world of addiction. I am not sure if bernardpliers (great moniker by the way) was writing this as self-parody or what. But it is opinion -- not a serious piece of work.

As far as insults -- I am not insulting anyone. I am calling out a post that was misleading and insulting. If people don't to receive challenging comments, they should be more careful about how they post.

readerbaby71

Some of it is quackery and some of it hit the nail on the head for me, as a drunk and a codependent. Take what you like and leave the rest. Or leave it all if it really pushes your buttons.

ladyscribbler

Well, I took the article at face value, which I tend to do here at SR. Whatever it was really supposed to be about, I did see myself in some of the passages. Admittedly, this dude is no Tom Wolfe, but he does make some valid points. I do agree the whole "codependent dry drunk" label is rather clunky and ridiculous. Actually that almost kept me from reading the thing.
I think it's right on to say he's describing a mixture of ACoA and Codie traits. I know that I have both. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mentally ill codependent mother and codependent paternal grandmother were my primary models of adult womanhood.
Most of these traits are ugly if they get out of control, especially to someone who does not understand them and did not grow up in that environment.
My job now is to make sure that the defects of character that I learned and inherited from my foo are either harnessed and channeled productively or replaced with better, healthier behavior.
Whatever the original author's intent/affiliation/etc., I don't believe the OP meant for this post to be offensive. People post articles here all the time, song lyrics, YouTube videos, all manner of recovery related detritus. If it doesn't apply to me, or I feel triggered somehow, I try to move on (mostly I am successful at this, but not always).

Morning Glory

Posting the article is not against the rules.
Criticizing the author is not against the rules.
Criticizing the content is not against the rules.
Disagreeing with the article is not against the rules.
Posting that the article is offensive is not against the rules.
Agreeing with the article is not against the rules.
Relating to some or all of the content is not against the rules.
Not relating to some or all of the content is not against the rules.

Flaming is against the rules so no more of that please. Post your strong opinion for or against without flaming.
Anything posted on the forums is open to opinions and discussions from all members.

jacrazz

Exactly what I thought after I read it...It struck a few nerves, but like somebody posted "put down the magnifying glass and pick up mirror" one thing I will thank my exabf for is for handing me a mirror. Great article!

BlueChair

interesting article on codependency shared from family alcoholics side:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html

yumbby

I didn't find this insulting but super eye opening for me. I recognize many of my behaviours, just have to figure out how to change them. Knowing it is one thing, figuring out how to change is another.