Crash course - how to support/interact with XAB going to rehab?

Old 06-27-2014, 09:35 PM
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Crash course - how to support/interact with XAB going to rehab?

I just posted this in Friends and Family but wanted to post it here as I am especially interested in what the CRAFT... supporters would have to say. I am reading the books, but wanted to get input here...

OK - I am new in the last month but have been posting, quick recap, AB of 4 years, started drinking again, usually its an every 3 month cycle, this time I had enough and we have been 'broken up' for 2 or 3 weeks. It was a traumatic break up and he knows the only future opening with me is rehab, but he knows its his deal to figure what he wants to do with his life as I didn't give him an ultimatum, I just ended it. We are about 90% no contact just because its too hard for both of us, sad. He was never angry or abusive, but when he drank it got to be 24x7 and I was afraid over the years he would turn angry and abusive; and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drives under the influence, even if its just himself.

He has been talking rehab, but today emailed me to say his boss is scheduling it. I don't know details what happened but I am guessing they saw him drinking and they value him as an employee and want to help. He would never leave his job willingly for rehab as he feels like he would be putting them in too much of a hard situation (crazy but understandable thinking). He is very high functioning so has rationalized the drinking at work, and on top it is being successful at work (while drinking), which plays games with his mind.

So now I need a crash course in how do I interact and/or support him during this and afterward, especially at possibly rebuilding but not jumping right back in a relationship in a way that supports what he is doing but doesn't make him too dependent on me. I want him to own this. I actually think he is more codependent than I am, but I could be wrong, but a few years of therapy recently have been incredible for me. Anyway, all but the alcohol was pretty amazing (outside of each of us having different aged kids and all that goes with that), so I believe our relationship is worth fighting for if he actually does this. However, he has low self worth so I do know this won't be fixed in just 10 days at Shick Shadel (aversion method along with traditional therapy). I also know he has to do it for himself. I know this is the most rock bottom he has ever been, but hard to know if he is doing this for us or work or his kids or himself. So I want to approach it so I don't sabatoge his personal growth through this, as in the end that is the only way we can have a healthy relationship (lots of childhood abandonment issues on his part.) So he will have to follow up with therapist or a group like Smart Recovery. So I am not sure how I be supportive, without being codependent or managing it for him or even influencing him. I am having a hard time posing this question, but hopefully you get the jist. Thank you - love being in this community and learning from all of you and feeling there are so many of us in this together!
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Old 06-28-2014, 06:06 AM
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Mags, good for you for taking care of yourself first. If I were you I'd keep going to therapy and let him work on himself. Of course be encouraging and tell him you're proud of what he''s doing but try to be hands off for a little while. When my BF came back from rehab I gave him the space he needed to process things, but let him know I was there if he needed to talk. Give him time and be careful not to jump back into a relationship with him too quickly, if at all. He's going to have to put all his energy toward getting better.

I am no expert, and my BF is going back to treatment, so feel free to take what I say with a grain of salt. Haha Good luck to you both.
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Old 06-28-2014, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by MAGW View Post

He has been talking rehab, but today emailed me to say his boss is scheduling it. I don't know details what happened but I am guessing they saw him drinking and they value him as an employee and want to help. He would never leave his job willingly for rehab as he feels like he would be putting them in too much of a hard situation (crazy but understandable thinking). He is very high functioning so has rationalized the drinking at work, and on top it is being successful at work (while drinking), which plays games with his mind.

So now I need a crash course in how do I interact and/or support him during this and afterward, especially at possibly rebuilding but not jumping right back in a relationship in a way that supports what he is doing but doesn't make him too dependent on me. I want him to own this. I actually think he is more codependent than I am, but I could be wrong, but a few years of therapy recently have been incredible for me. Anyway, all but the alcohol was pretty amazing (outside of each of us having different aged kids and all that goes with that), so I believe our relationship is worth fighting for if he actually does this. However, he has low self worth so I do know this won't be fixed in just 10 days at Shick Shadel (aversion method along with traditional therapy). I also know he has to do it for himself. I know this is the most rock bottom he has ever been, but hard to know if he is doing this for us or work or his kids or himself. So I want to approach it so I don't sabatoge his personal growth through this, as in the end that is the only way we can have a healthy relationship (lots of childhood abandonment issues on his part.) So he will have to follow up with therapist or a group like Smart Recovery. So I am not sure how I be supportive, without being codependent or managing it for him or even influencing him. I am having a hard time posing this question, but hopefully you get the jist. Thank you - love being in this community and learning from all of you and feeling there are so many of us in this together!
MAGS I think this is great news !! Having the support of his employer and knowing they respect him and value his work is very important. My husband got lucky like this too. I didnt know it was exactly lucky at the time but the more I read I see it is.

Thanks for putting in the name of the type of rehab. I looked it up and read there and have to say I like the views behind it. Its a lot like what my husbands rehab would say. Addiction is a medical problem, and not a moral or spiritual one. There are also things contributing to the addiction and this is where counseling comes in. Reading the things you wrote about his underlying self esteem issues and past history, I think it will take time for him to work on these just as you stated. Very smart to realize this. The program is a quick, but wonder if it will be suggested he does counseling after the fact?

Anywhooo, I cant say I have read anything in CRAFT which spells out how WE handle all this. I think they dont really make rules or place restrictions on what our role should be. I think it mainly decided by the situation, the qualities of the relationship.

A few differences Ive realized is there isnt an idea people have to hit a bottom for rehab to work. People can make a realization when they are in rehab learning, with a clear mind this IS what they want to do.

But theres also acceptance sometimes people do need more than one rehab and it doesnt mean they failed. I would try to stay out of this way of thinking. If you read on the website for his program it mentions addiction is a physiological and psychological. These things are hard to work on, its not like Jiffy Lube.

Its helped me a lot to understand this, so I dont put blame on him. My husband hasnt relapsed, but he's had lots of ongoing problems like anxiety, depression. We deal with them like normal medical problems.

I think the motivational factors are important too. Its not about pain pushing recovery, its more about all the great things the future can hold and this pushes recovery.

For me, when my husband went through rehab ( and I wasnt studying CRAFT then) I learned I am capable of learning about addiction, and able to talk to him about it from an educated and rational place. I know him at very deep and personal levels and sometimes he feels very comfortable talking to me, and at other times it makes it hard for him to share things that he thinks make him appear weak.

Ive tried to be a good listener, and think before I react (not always easy), if I dont understand his way of thinking I will ask him to explain his thinking in non agressive ways, being very sincere how I want to understand. Sometimes I have learned its best to back off entirely and let him work it out. I think these things take practice, and depend on the both of you.

Also being there in a non recovery role. A dinner out, a movie, playing with the kids and normal things, treating him like normal.

Taking good care of yourself. Keeping your life as normal as you can, eating good, exercising, talking with friends, normal.

I also think its ok to make the experience as easy and positive as possible. I see on the website they allow phones, internet, and visitors. They speak a lot about compassion. I think carrying this over into daily life is important. Recovery doesnt have to be negative or painful. sometimes it will be, but a lot of it depends on attitudes, his and yours. I think about it like I would if my husband had another type of illness and had to have medical care, or counseling. It wouldnt overshadow everything all the time. we have to keep living.

Because your not married its a little different I think. You can pick your pace and your level of interaction. Go slow and see what works best for you. I think its very individual.
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Old 07-05-2014, 05:42 PM
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Blue chair and reader baby - thank you for your replies - I could relate to both of you and appreciate your time and effort in replying and sharing your stories and input - even though it took me days to sit down and reply back! I am taking it day to day, we haven't seen or spoken to eachother, but have texted/emailed. I think rehab will be around 8/1. So much hope but an equal amount of caution - which is what I need, to be cautious. Well see where it all goes...
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