MAGW

I will try to make this short.... I broke up with my AB a few weeks ago, for two weeks. It was when I started reading about Craft and Smart Recovery on this website that I had a new hope as it seemed to make sense for who we both are. I asked him and his kids to come that day and told him I'd support him to quit drinking. I had realized I hadn't been supportive enough in the past (we didn't live together and had two sets of kids and spent most all our time on weekends together, weekdays didn't work.). Anyway, it felt like we were starting over in a new place. My kids and I moved into a new house and there was finally space for all 6 of us. He and the kids stayed with us through the start Of the week. The first few nights were perfect, everyone was happy together. Then I had a feeling on his way home from work on the phone that he had been drinking. I hadn't read enough yet about strategies so defaulted back to what I know. I asked him, he denied and was very upset I would think it. This is the first time he hasn't been honest with me. The next night it was the same, but his 10 yo daughter told me he was drinking. I asked him to leave. I was so upset it was all I could think to do. He refused and I said I would call the police - I just wanted him to leave. He still refused so I said I would call my ex husband. Again I just wanted him to leave. This was too much for him as he is very insecure about him. Now he wants no contact with me. He is shutting me out for his own survival as he has major abandonment issues from childhood. I am taking this much harder than I thought. He says my brain and my heart disagree and he's right, my brain says he is a drinking alcoholic risking his livelihood, license and full custody of his kids every day, that it will get worse the longer he drinks, that I know better than to stay. But my heart is so connected him. Outside of the drinking, our relationship of 3.5 years was so much more than my marriage of 20. I can't understand why he wouldn't go to rehab. Hard to accept the end justifies the means here. I hate how it all happened and I would give anything if he would go to rehab, but I don't think I can just be in a relationship with him drinking. Stuck between being sad for our loss of something unique, and relieved the alcohol nightmare is over - don't know how to coexist with both if these emotions sImultaneously. I am falling asleep or would write more - I Just need some input.

BlueChair

Im sorry.

I think if he is an alcoholic then all this is true and your brain is being logical.

The heart not so logical always, and I think its hard because there can be a lot of good and then one thing can be part of the package and it ruins it all because no matter how we twist and turn it, we know deep inside its not something want in our life. Its bitter to accept, but if its your truth then you have to accept it.

If he has abandonment issues then there is more than drinking for getting drunk, more like drinking to soothe pain or poor sense of inner self? Rehab is a very good idea. Has he talked about why he doesnt want to go? Does he realize he drinks too much?

If he is really imposing no contact on you, then there's not a lot you can do. It might be a good time to step back and allow yourself time to rest and think. It sounds like your a little relieved he is gone and maybe this feeling will grow stronger as you are in your new home with the kids? It woudlnt be a bad idea to keep studying Craft if your interested in it. A big part of it is about taking care of yourself and identifying your dreams and goals and making action plans. For now, maybe focus on this part?

I also think the topics on communication and listening are very good. Ive been applying these to the people I deal with on a daily basis and I feel its had positive results in my life. This might also help you if there is more contact later on.

These are my first thoughts, sorry if there a little scattered. ((hugs))

MAGW

Thank you Blue Chair for replying. Your first two paragraphs are so right, and where I needed some reassurance. This is difficult to do alone, so having support from people like you helps so much in the moment, and gives understanding I may not have from local friends. I guess I need to accept that I will not be able to make sense or rightness out of all of it, something I am still learning even in my 40's. I always wanted to fix everything or make sense of it, but it cannot be fixed.

He definitely knows he has a drinking problem. I think he is afraid to give up the coping mechanism and the escape, his higher self wants to, but his self that is stuck in the day to day is afraid to take on rehab, letting his employer know, worrying about job/income/kids... It could happen someday for sure, but it could be too late or something bad will happen first.

I will continue to read my craft books as you recommend. I think I know the more time that goes by I will be OK, but that is sad too-- it sounds twisted but it just seems time will minimize the relationship due to the drinking. rather than preserve and honor it based on all the good. Not sure if this is a broken heart or codependency, more research needed .

Thank you again for being there when I needed it!

allforcnm

Im sorry your going through this MAGW.

When my husband was actively using I separated from him for quite a while. It was very difficult and my situation was different because shortly after this I found out we were expecting our first child. But I asked for it initially because I didn't want our marriage to be like he was making it, and in the beginning he didn't see a problem and thought I was ruining his fun. Somewhere inside I do think we know what we can, cant accept.. it helps to develop a clear vision of what we want for our future.. at any age.. I kept trying to focus on my work and the baby on the way, family, friends.... and it did keep me moving forward. Not easy though...

One part of your thread caught my attention... my husband got to a point he knew he has a problem with drugs but he was also really afraid to ask for help. He was afraid to tell his employer and ask for time off for rehab. He was afraid for it to be recorded in his medical records, his insurance reports... and these were really all valid fears. Of course without your health everything eventually falls away.. but its hard to come forward when there is a lot of stigma for lack of a better word associated with addiction / alcoholism, and even recovery.

I guess I would question if he will be back? Has he done this sort of thing before ? I think now is a good time to think of what you will do if he does reach out again...

Sending you good thoughts tonight; I know its not easy.

MAGW

Hi Allforce - this is very late but I wanted to thank you for your reply to my thread. Your point about what I would do if he reached out again, that was very timely and not something I had thought about. So with your prompting i thought about it. I think that night he emailed me. I think we are both in a better place as far as being able to put the anger aside and deal with real feelings, sadness and let down... Anyway, I stuck to my boundaries for me and my life, but he asked and I said of course I would keep his kids if he did rehab (we have Shick Shadel here and there is a 10 day program which is more manageable). Caught me by surprise as I didn't think he would do it, and not sure he will, but he knows if he did it I would reevaluate 'us.' We are for the most part no contact which is good for us both, emotionally and also for him to make his own choices if he wants to do the hard work in and post rehab, or not, it won't be me pressuring him. So we are both adjusting go to life apart now, but with some small glimmer of hope that me leaving will prompt him to turn his life around for himself. We will see... I am still hanging out here though so I can learn from all you amazing people - I just need to start a cheat sheet though so I can keep everyone and their stories straight as it's all a blur!

greeteachday

A little hint that may help with keeping track of people's stories...If you click on the user name it will give you some options. One is to find all their posts (which can be exhausting) but another is to find all threads started by that poster. I find the early threads posted often give me a good idea of what happened to bring the member here.

MAGW

Thank you!!! That helps - I didn't want to think it was just my tired brain cells that couldn't keep track!