KariSue

I was reading some threads on here about CRAFT although I haven't really looked into it. I plan to do that though. But it made me ponder something.

I think a contributing factor to my son's addiction (this was also told to him at an assessment by a counselor) is daddy issues. His dad, my husband, is a wonderful man and my son is a lot like him (minus addiction thankfully). But growing up my husband was a workaholic (although he denies this but I think he still is). He is always there when we really need him but works two full time jobs...really. He says he does want to cut down to one but all that aside, I think it was a factor in at least two of our three children to some extent.

My son told a counselor at an assessment that he was raised by a single mom. I have always been married to his dad but when my kids were growing up he had to work out of town a LOT. Sometimes we didn't see him for months at a time and he wasn't a sailor or in the military! There was also a few years where he worked away during the week and we only saw him on weekends. So, in reality, I WAS a single mom and I had 3 teens at that time. I thought we did okay considering though. I did not work outside the home so at least I felt I was always there for them.

My AS gets along with him fine now and they always got along. I think he just missed him being there. He fondly tells of a time when my husband was in a really bad car accident. That caused him to be hospitalized a long time and home a long time. My AS always brings up that time as being so nice (minus the injuries) because dad was home. My daughter who is not addicted also says dad time was sometimes absent and she wish he had been around more.

So that is basically the history (if you are still reading, thanks).

But thinking about positive influences rather than 'hitting bottom' as it seems to be saying with the CRAFT method I was thinking why couldn't dad and son spend more time together NOW? We moved to our current location because that would end traveling for the job. It might not help my son but how could it hurt and I think it might help.

To me it seems like it is never too late to at least try. I think they would both like it. I am going to suggest it. Just passing this along in case it might be something some of you may not have thought of like I didn't until now. I feel kinda like "Duh, why didn't I think of this sooner."

Kari

allforcnm

I think that's an excellent idea KariSue.

I know you've just been browsing some of the CRAFT ideas, but was wondering if your husband has looked at any of it. The premise behind CRAFT is exactly as you've shared; if we are in a position and state of mind to do it... then we can harness the power of our relationships with those we love and spend quality time with them when they are off drugs, not visibly high... the enjoyment of these activities, the bond created during these times can sometimes spark a desire within the person to want change, to break through some of the negative beliefs they may have formed about themselves and give them extra encouragement to make changes. The good thing is for family members; if we do this in an authentic, organic way then we reap the benefits of quality time with our loved one, hopefully create memories we can keep and cherish. The key for us is taking addiction out of it, no agendas, and just enjoying our time together.

Totally taking CRAFT out of it. I think just as father/son it sounds like they have a good relationship & your right how can that hurt if they can foster that relationship and spend time together.

Thank you for sharing

KariSue

No, my husband hasn't checked anything out yet.

I remember seeing on a t.v. talk show once about two family members trying to get along that had been estranged for years (not the case in my family) and they started with the rule that they couldn't talk about anything personal...so like you mentioned..no agenda. This was just a way to 'start' communicating. They could talk about a movie, the news, the weather but nothing really personal or all that important. Just light conversation to start. I think a project of some sort would also be a way to bond.

Just thinking out loud here.

Kari

CodeJob

Well my RAH is also ACA. He has Codie issues too. Maybe I will give him a triple crown for Father's Day. He does not really know how to be a father. That sounds terrible but he did not experience it bc his dad was working all the time and died young. For a long time I tried to set things up for the two of them and none of it worked particularly well. I have no brothers and my father is emotionally withdrawn, so I am striking out on normal father-son, male relationships for DS. Sometimes when I can't fix things it really breaks my heart.

KariSue

I know, it is so hard sometimes.

Hugs, Kari

jacrazz

Ugh.....all these labels....the one thing that keeps us stuck! When we stop smoking do we call ourselves RS? I'm reading an awesome book and it's really been an eye opener. I highly recommend it. It talks about everything from labels to CRAFT. Let's stick together instead of detaching....

Robot Check