greeteachday

This winter I read Deepak Chopra's Ultimate Happiness Prescription and thought the section with a guide to ridding oneself of toxic emotions was interesting. I know I won't go through each point every time, but some things really spoke to me. Applying these concepts have helped me gain some insight into why certain reactions tend to repeat themselves and that insight in turns helps me get rid of the negative reactions.

1. Take responsibility for my present response: This shouldn't be done with self blame or guilt, but if I don't take responsibility, I put my fate in someone else's hands. By blaming someone else, I wait for them to change.

2. Witness my feelings : Conditioning trains us to have the same feelings for similar situations. Witnessing means being present in the emotion but not being used by it. Locate where the feeling is in the body - Anger tends to be felt in the gut; nervousness in the stomach; frustration - throat; fear - heart. Locating the feeling can help to bypass internal mental chatter that keeps the feeling alive.

3. Label the feeling: I shouldn't use judgmental words like hurt or disappointment since that implies placing blame on someone. Labeling the feeling helps us recognize what we are dealing with.

4. Express the feeling: Emotions become more toxic when bottled up. Release is purifying. It helps to write the feelings down from three points of view - My own; the other person's view and an independent third party - like a newspaper journalist. (I love this idea. To me it really helps to learn to view things with an open mind and consider the idea that my view isn't the "right" view and to really focus on other people's perspective. How often toxic emotions are due to lack of understanding or perspective!)

5. Share the feeling. Include all three perspectives, not just trying to make a case for my own position. The right listener allows for a true reflection of the situation. I think it is important to note that in sharing, we aren't asking for the person to give advice or agree or disagree - just to be an active listener.

6. Let go through ritual - Come up with a ritual that is significant to me that symbolizes that from that point forward, I am free of the toxic emotion I felt in this situation. I like the idea of burning the paper where I wrote the 3 viewpoints or lighting a candle and spending a few minutes in quiet reflection.

7. Celebrate and move on - It need not be elaborate- just a simple celebration of the end of the toxic feeling and a new beginning. I've gone for a walk some place that sooths me or put on some music that speaks to me.

Like many things we learn as a result of facing addiction in our lives, I think these concepts work really well with all kinds of day to day life challenges. I wanted to share them in case anyone else may find some benefit.

readerbaby71

Thanks for this post! I am caught up in anger and frustration right now and have been doing this 21-day meditation. Slowly but surely it's helping.

https://chopracentermeditation.com/

OpioPhobe

Greenteach - thanks for sharing this. #4 is a really clever way of looking at it. It would definitely be a challenge for me personally to write from an independent party's view. My view would be easy enough, and I would hope that I could put myself in the other person's shoes and at least get close to their viewpoint. An independent third party though is a tough one. When you are doing this does your third party view always end up being a compromise between the positions or do you sometimes find yourself giving a thumbs up to one side over the other?

greeteachday

For me, and probably just because I tend to be a rule follower, when I do the third party view it tends to be just a statement of the facts. I will say, though, that sometimes as I am writing "the facts" if I still am feeling anger at the other person, inside my head I'm still "yeah, right, like that makes any sense" I find this part doesn't necessarily get me to a resolution of the issue, but it sure helps me to get to the point of letting the toxic emotion go.

OpioPhobe

Thanks for expanding on that. I was thinking about it completely wrong initially. When I thought about independent third party I automatically associated that with an impartial 'ruling' for what the 'right' position is or compromise of positions - i.e. 'a resolution of the issue' that you referenced. It sounds like it isn't about coming to a resolution, but just being self-aware of the facts and the viewpoint from all sides.

sush2012

Thank you for the post.

PinkCloudsCharley

Such a great wealth of information to be found in these older posts.

This is so hard to do when you're caught up in the moment, tension is high, and it's hard to stop and think. But that's exactly what needs to happen.