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Old 03-26-2014, 12:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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No One Brings Dinner.. when your daughter is an addict


No One Brings Dinner When Your Daughter Is An Addict
Huffington Post ~ by Larry M. Lake


When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, we ate well. Mary Beth and I had both read the terrifying pathology report of a tumor the size of an olive. The surgical digging for lymph nodes was followed by months of radiation. We ate very well.

Friends drove Mary Beth to her radiation sessions and sometimes to her favorite ice cream shop on the half-hour drive back from the hospital. She always ordered a chocolate malt. Extra thick.

Our family feasted for months on the lovingly prepared dishes brought by friends from work and church and the neighborhood: chicken breasts encrusted with parmesan, covered safely in tin foil; pots of thick soup with hearty bread; bubbling pans of lasagna and macaroni and cheese. There were warm home-baked rolls in tea towel-covered baskets, ham with dark baked pineapple rings, scalloped potatoes, and warm pies overflowing with the syrups of cherries or apples.

Leftovers piled up in the refrigerator, and soon the freezer filled up too, this tsunami of food offerings an edible symbol of our community’s abundant generosity.

Although few said the word breast unless it belonged to a chicken, many friends were familiar with the word cancer and said it often, without flinching. They asked how we were doing, sent notes and cards, passed along things they’d read about treatments and medications, emailed links to good recovery websites and the titles of helpful books, called frequently, placed gentle if tentative hands on shoulders, spoke in low and warm tones, wondered if we had enough food. The phrase we heard most was: “If there’s anything I can do ... ”

In the following months, after Mary Beth had begun speaking in full sentences again and could stay awake for an entire meal, the stored foods in the freezer ran out, and we began cooking on our own again. Our children, Nick and Maggie, sometimes complained jokingly about our daily fare. “Someone should get cancer so we can eat better food,” they’d say. And we actually laughed.

* * *

Almost a decade later, our daughter, Maggie, was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, following years of secret alcohol and drug abuse.

No warm casseroles.

At 19, she was arrested for drug possession, faced a judge, and was placed on a probation program. Before her hearings, we ate soup and grilled cheese in a restaurant near the courthouse, mere booths away from the lawyers, police officers, and court clerks she might later see.

No scalloped potatoes in tinfoil pans.

Maggie was disciplined by her college for breaking the drug and alcohol rules. She began an outpatient recovery program. She took a medical leave from school. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, diagnosed, released. She began years of counseling, recovery meetings, and intensive outpatient rehabilitation. She lived in a recovery house, relapsed, then spent seven weeks in a drug and alcohol addiction treatment center.

No soup, no homemade loaves of bread.

Maggie progressed well at the treatment center. When the insurance coverage on inpatient treatment ran out for the year, she was transferred to a “partial house” where she and other women slept at night then were returned by van to the facility for full days of recovery sessions, meals, volleyball games, counseling, and horticultural therapy. This daughter who once stayed as far away from my garden as possible lest I catch a whiff of my stolen whiskey on her breath was now planting a garden herself, arranging painted rocks around an angel statue donated by a counselor, carrying buckets of water to nurture impatiens, petunia, delphinium, and geranium.

Friends talk about cancer and other physical maladies more easily than about psychological afflictions. Breasts might draw blushes, but brains are unmentionable. These questions are rarely heard: “How’s your depression these days?” “What improvements do you notice now that you have treatment for your ADD?” “Do you find your manic episodes are less intense now that you are on medication?” “What does depression feel like?” “Is the counseling helpful?” A much smaller circle of friends than those who’d fed us during cancer now asked guarded questions. No one ever showed up at our door with a meal.

We drove nearly five hours round trip each Sunday for our one weekly visiting hour. The sustenance of food, candy, and fiction were forbidden as gifts to patients at the treatment center. Instead, we brought Maggie cigarettes, sketchbooks, colored pencils, and phone cards. Any beef roasts or spaghetti dinners we ate were ones we’d prepared ourselves or bought in a restaurant on the long road to the center.

Then, late one night in June, Maggie and another patient were riding in the treatment center’s van on the way back to their house after a full day of the hard work of addiction recovery. The number of patients in the partial house had diminished from six a few days before, after a scandal involving small bags of ground coffee some smuggled from the house to the center and sold as though it were cocaine to addicts craving real coffee. (The center, like many, served only decaf.) Dozing off and comfortable in the seat behind the driver, Maggie might have been thinking of those coffee dealers who had been returned to the main facility or dismissed. Or maybe she was thinking about the upcoming wedding of her brother, Nick. A light pink bridesmaid’s dress waited in her closet at our house. Her release from the center was scheduled for two days before she and Mary Beth were to fly to Wisconsin for the wedding.

That night, an oncoming speeding car hit the van head-on.

The medics radioed for helicopters, and soon the air over Chester County, Pa., was full of them, four coming from Philadelphia, Coatesville, and Wilmington, one for each patient. The accident site was soon a garish roadside attraction of backboards, neck braces, IV tubes, oxygen tanks, gurneys, strobing lights, the deep thumping of helicopter blades, and the whine of turbines.

A newspaper picture later showed five firefighters, all in full gear, lifting a woman from a van—only her feet and an edge of the backboard visible. The van’s roof, dark and torn and jagged in the picture, had been removed by hydraulic cutters while the huddled victims, Maggie unconscious among them, were carefully covered with blankets. One of her front teeth lay in a puddle of blood on the ground.

When we saw her in the hospital, her face was a swollen mass of stitches, bruises, and torn flesh. Brown dried blood was still caked in her ears. Mary Beth carefully cleaned it with a licked paper towel, as if she were gently wiping Maggie’s face of grape jelly smudges or white donut powder just before Sunday school. At first, Maggie only remembered headlights, but soon she would mention “a cute EMS tech waking me up,” and the muffled chattering of helicopters.

The day she was released from the hospital, Maggie insisted on returning to the rehab center to complete her program, a heroine in a wheelchair among heroin addicts and alcoholics. On the way there, we stopped at a restaurant for lunch, where Maggie ate mashed potatoes, a little soup, and sucked a mango smoothie through a straw held carefully where her tooth was missing. Back at the center, we rolled her out to see her garden.

While Maggie was in the hospital, cards and letters filled our mailbox at home. For the two weeks that Maggie remained in rehab, and even while she flew to the Midwest, then wore her pink dress at Nick’s wedding and danced triumphantly with her cousins, offers of food crackled from our answering machine and scrolled out on email: “If there’s anything I can do ... ”
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Old 03-26-2014, 01:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I can totally relate to this.

I was feeling so depressed and so hopeless with my son's addiction recently.
I was discussing a grave plot with my sister. My mother owns it, but it is next to my son's father's grave. I told my sister I didn't think my son would live much longer and I wanted to bury him next to his father.

Her immediate answer to me was "I hope he doesn't take a lot of people out with him".
My son doesn't drive and doesn't have a car so where did that come from? He has never involved my sister in his addiction.

Society not only dismisses the addict, but dismisses the family of the addict as well.
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Old 03-26-2014, 07:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morning Glory View Post
Society not only dismisses the addict, but dismisses the family of the addict as well.
Yes, it does.
Thank you for this powerful piece allforcnm.
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Old 03-26-2014, 09:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you; very powerful.
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Old 03-27-2014, 07:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Society isn't educated on addiction really. Many think it is a character flaw. Plus how could they know what we go through if they've never been through it? Had it not happened to me I don't think I would be aware of the suffering families. Most of us hide it anyway out of embarrassment.

Good article though. Thanks for posting it!

Kari
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Old 03-28-2014, 11:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by KariSue View Post
Society isn't educated on addiction really. Many think it is a character flaw. Plus how could they know what we go through if they've never been through it? Had it not happened to me I don't think I would be aware of the suffering families. Most of us hide it anyway out of embarrassment.

Good article though. Thanks for posting it!

Kari
I agree Kari.
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Old 09-29-2014, 10:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Judging without Knowledge

Prior to becoming the mother of an addict, I was very judgmental about addicts and their parents; whom I assumed must have been terrible people to have had their child turn out so bad.

I had to learn the "hard way," that addiction is a disease and it can happen to any family..........even mine.

I am humbled.
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Old 09-29-2014, 10:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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That was such a good artical Allforcnm i enjoyed the read . Thank you xx
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Old 09-30-2014, 05:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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When I have been in the hospital with bipolar, my partner has received no support or help....his aunt who I thought of as a dear friend basically told him "good riddance to bad love'
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Old 09-30-2014, 01:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So true Live, mental illness is another disease that is stigmatized and misunderstood.
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Old 09-30-2014, 03:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Very very powerful.
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Old 09-30-2014, 03:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for posting that article.
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Old 12-23-2014, 10:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for article and thread...it is so very powerful and spoke to me in ways that other readings today and recently haven't been able to penetrate or help. It is reassuring to know that I am not imagining it and to realize that it is truly a hard road for all involved in the support.
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Old 02-07-2015, 08:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi Allfor! Wow! This story just can't hit any closer to home for so many of us out there!
Thanks for the story!
I'm glad I went looking around! And found it!

TOD
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:01 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Unbelievable article. It's so lonely to go through this by one's self, feeling judged, wondering who knows what about our family.
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Old 02-14-2015, 08:43 PM   #16 (permalink)
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The difficulty of dealing with the isolation that many of us have encountered because of addiction and associated issues is one of the reasons I come here.

My daughter's father feels that HE is the 'victim' because she stole from him. He has not spoken to her or even asked about her since. His current wife supports this.

Last year, I traveled 1200 miles to see family. My three siblings and I and some additional family members met for brunch on Sunday morning. We talked about where my sister's daughter was applying for college. The grandkids were talked about. Not only did no-one ask about my DA, but no-one asked about my other daughter either. I might as well not even have been there. I was left out of the conversation completely. Addiction and criminal activity does not happen in my family.

My younger daughter does not ask about her older sister. She has no sympathy for either her or me. She does not want her here and does not understand why I care.

I am totally alone in this.
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Old 02-15-2015, 09:08 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I am so sorry, Newimage. So many of us have felt the pain and isolation that comes with loving someone with an addiction and it's very hard. Huge hugs to you, you are welcome here...I have found support and understanding here and it has changed my life. It's great to have a place to go where you don't feel ostracized
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Old 10-16-2015, 09:48 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Bump.
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Old 10-16-2015, 10:03 AM   #19 (permalink)
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The change in the way society reacts to addicts and their families begins with us...we reach out to someone, and they in turn may do the same.
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Old 01-17-2017, 03:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
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The stigma of mental health problems is a huge thing within my family of origin, I mostly think it's due to their guilt and not knowing what to say to 'make it better' so it's ignored largely out of ignorance, fear and maybe not really wanting to understand the tremendous difficulties someone else may be going through, kinda like it's not happening if it's not mentioned.
Great post, it's truly the way the world I live in seems to be sadly
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