Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement ~ CRAFT~ Non Confrontational Intervention
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Enabling vs. Positive Reinforcement ~ CRAFT~ Non Confrontational Intervention
A Note On “Enabling” vs. Positive Reinforcement
Partnership Drug Free
~ Jeffrey Foote, PhD
If you are a partner, parent or child of someone struggling with substance problems, and you live in America, you’ve probably heard this word “enabling” (possibly many, many times). And you’ve probably heard this described as central to your interactions in helping your loved one. Mostly, you have heard “DON’T DO IT”!, and if you are like most concerned family members, you feel vaguely guilty for doing something you’re not even sure you are doing (but you must be, right?).
By way of quick review, “enabling” actually means doing positive things that will end up supporting continued negative behavior, such as providing your child with money so they won’t “go hungry” during the day, knowing they use it to buy pot. Another example is going to talk to your child’s teacher to make sure she doesn’t get a bad grade, even though her bad test score was due to drinking. Or calling your husband’s work to explain he’s sick today, when he’s actually hung over.
These are examples of doing something “nice” for your loved one that actually (from a behavioral reinforcement standpoint) might increase the frequency of the negative behavior, not decrease it. The logic: if they act badly and nothing happens, or something good happens, this behavior is encouraged, even if what you are doing is “nice”. This IS enabling, and this is not helpful in changing behavior in a positive direction.
But everything nice is not enabling! And that’s the quicksand we have developed in our culture. Staying connected, rewarding positive behaviors with positivity, being caring and loving; these things are critical to positive change.
So what’s the difference? Positive reinforcement is doing “nice” things in response to positive behavior. Simple as that. When your loved one wakes up on time in the morning, when he takes his sister to school, when she texts you tell you she’ll be late, when he doesn’t smoke pot on Friday night, when he helps you make dinner instead of going for a quick drink with the boys on the way home. These are positive actions, and acknowledging them, rewarding them, being happy about them, is a GOOD thing, not enabling.
Enabling is a meaningful concept. It’s just overused to the point that families often feel their loving and caring is the problem. IT’S NOT!
Caring about and staying connected in a helping way with someone dealing with substances is not only helpful, it’s one of the most powerful motivators for change.
To restate the slogan: Attach with love — just love the positive actions and step away from the negative.
Partnership Drug Free
~ Jeffrey Foote, PhD
If you are a partner, parent or child of someone struggling with substance problems, and you live in America, you’ve probably heard this word “enabling” (possibly many, many times). And you’ve probably heard this described as central to your interactions in helping your loved one. Mostly, you have heard “DON’T DO IT”!, and if you are like most concerned family members, you feel vaguely guilty for doing something you’re not even sure you are doing (but you must be, right?).
By way of quick review, “enabling” actually means doing positive things that will end up supporting continued negative behavior, such as providing your child with money so they won’t “go hungry” during the day, knowing they use it to buy pot. Another example is going to talk to your child’s teacher to make sure she doesn’t get a bad grade, even though her bad test score was due to drinking. Or calling your husband’s work to explain he’s sick today, when he’s actually hung over.
These are examples of doing something “nice” for your loved one that actually (from a behavioral reinforcement standpoint) might increase the frequency of the negative behavior, not decrease it. The logic: if they act badly and nothing happens, or something good happens, this behavior is encouraged, even if what you are doing is “nice”. This IS enabling, and this is not helpful in changing behavior in a positive direction.
But everything nice is not enabling! And that’s the quicksand we have developed in our culture. Staying connected, rewarding positive behaviors with positivity, being caring and loving; these things are critical to positive change.
So what’s the difference? Positive reinforcement is doing “nice” things in response to positive behavior. Simple as that. When your loved one wakes up on time in the morning, when he takes his sister to school, when she texts you tell you she’ll be late, when he doesn’t smoke pot on Friday night, when he helps you make dinner instead of going for a quick drink with the boys on the way home. These are positive actions, and acknowledging them, rewarding them, being happy about them, is a GOOD thing, not enabling.
Enabling is a meaningful concept. It’s just overused to the point that families often feel their loving and caring is the problem. IT’S NOT!
Caring about and staying connected in a helping way with someone dealing with substances is not only helpful, it’s one of the most powerful motivators for change.
To restate the slogan: Attach with love — just love the positive actions and step away from the negative.
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allforcnm, I really agree with this post. I even believe that CRAFT is a viable way to try to help the A. I am not discounting the program at all.
But, of course there had to be a but
, it needs to be done at the proper time, both for the alcoholic and for the concerned party.
I may have been able to use something like this before I jumped down the rabbit hole of insanity that comes with living with an alcoholic.
My problem would have been that by the time I finally admitted my wife was an alcoholic and had a problem I was as dysfunctional as she was. Pretty much everyone who knew her knew she had a problem except me. I was in denial that my wife was an alcoholic. It was depression, it was menopause or Mercury was in Retrograde.
When I finally admitted she had a problem there was no way I would have been emotionally strong enough to use it.
Your friend,
But, of course there had to be a but
, it needs to be done at the proper time, both for the alcoholic and for the concerned party.I may have been able to use something like this before I jumped down the rabbit hole of insanity that comes with living with an alcoholic.
My problem would have been that by the time I finally admitted my wife was an alcoholic and had a problem I was as dysfunctional as she was. Pretty much everyone who knew her knew she had a problem except me. I was in denial that my wife was an alcoholic. It was depression, it was menopause or Mercury was in Retrograde.
When I finally admitted she had a problem there was no way I would have been emotionally strong enough to use it.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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I have always been very appreciative and acknowledged in a positive way when some one is helpful or being thoughtful.
I don't know......I really don't feel the need to thank any one for not "robbing a bank" though. I want a healthy, respectful man as a partner, not a teenage boy in a man's body so I can see why Craft wouldn't be for me.
I don't know......I really don't feel the need to thank any one for not "robbing a bank" though. I want a healthy, respectful man as a partner, not a teenage boy in a man's body so I can see why Craft wouldn't be for me.
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In my case, I gave positive acknowledgments when I really felt it was an honest gesture. I have a lot of compassion for anyone suffering with an addiction; my husband was actually in a great deal of emotional pain but he kept it hidden due to the shame, guilt. I also have a lot of respect for anyone in recovery because its hard work. Through education on addiction Ive learned how challenging it can be to obtain lasting recovery. So for me it was simple and heartfelt...when I enjoyed our time together I told him, when I saw positive change I acknowledged it...etc. I still do these things even though he now has 2 years ... Im still in awe of how he continues making his recovery a priority / his health the foundation of everything else in his life.
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