Fear
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Originally Posted by cleaninLI 
Yes, of course that makes perfect sense! That was more of an in-depth analysis then I came up with for sure! You are probably right too, it does make sense and you know him better and your usual communication patterns and relationship dynamics. I think the reason I thought about it in the way that I did is because I've done this. I've tested my husband's commitment level toward me. There were times when I did something that I knew would get a negative reaction and most likely start an argument.......not recently but at certain times throughout my marriage. Your post about your husband drinking, knowing that you would come home and find him that way and the knowledge he has about your feelings about his drinking, made me think about those times. Why did I do it? Probably abandonment issues, or low-self esteem or anger at myself. So I thought he may have the same types of issues.
Whatever the reason was, I am happy that the end result worked out very well.....you asked if I thought it could have resulted in a totally different scenario. Yes, I do....because if you guys were to have a shouting match....with his drinking, and being very angry with himself and his life, he could have very-well have embraced a **** it attitude and taken his pity party to a whole new dimension.....drunk the entire bottle and started on number two or rushed out of the house. You could have become so angry and fearful that you could have yelled and screamed back to him as well as called his parents and told on him. All these things would have set you back as a couple and caused other problems....like building resentments or less trust between his father and himself.
But, no need to dwell on what-ifs right? You handled that well and that's awesome.
Oh, btw, I'm interested in that book you're reading it really sounds interesting. Hmm, new term "emotion squisher"? I like that...could be MY husband too.
Whatever the reason was, I am happy that the end result worked out very well.....you asked if I thought it could have resulted in a totally different scenario. Yes, I do....because if you guys were to have a shouting match....with his drinking, and being very angry with himself and his life, he could have very-well have embraced a **** it attitude and taken his pity party to a whole new dimension.....drunk the entire bottle and started on number two or rushed out of the house. You could have become so angry and fearful that you could have yelled and screamed back to him as well as called his parents and told on him. All these things would have set you back as a couple and caused other problems....like building resentments or less trust between his father and himself.
But, no need to dwell on what-ifs right? You handled that well and that's awesome.
Oh, btw, I'm interested in that book you're reading it really sounds interesting. Hmm, new term "emotion squisher"? I like that...could be MY husband too.
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Ive never seen Finding Nemo !!! One of the fish is called Squishy !! I want a fish named Squishy now. It would be my private joke at home. I could sit and tell Squishy everything on my mind knowing he would tell no one. Thank you both for keeping me on the light side.
I think Ive tested my husband like that before. Not with anything extreme but Ive pushed when I wanted something knowing how close I was coming to it being against what he wanted, or making him feel uncomfortable. I think Ive done it to see how far I can stretch it, how much he will bend for me. Is that awful?? or does everyone do it every now and then?
Self esteem is a big one for him. I think in ways he has always tried to appear more confident and self assured than he really was, and then leading up to this relapse, he made some mistakes and his self confidence took a nose dive, and the image of perfection he always liked to portray he was afraid it would start to crumble. drugs slide right into that gap.
If he was partially testing me, do you think I passed?
The book Im reading is called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, PhD. "A womans guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships" This book came from my mom, she had it on the bookshelf at home from when she read it a few years ago. Has a lot of good insight about couples and how they play off each other, patterns of arguing, anger when one spouse wont get the help needed for medical problems, unproductive vs productive fighting, and lots of stories and examples, but havent seen any mention on codependency being an issue. Its not all about spouses there are other things like anger towards Impossible Mothers,how anger can be productive, how patterns of angry behavior can spread through generations. I like it, gives me a lot to think about.
Tonights my counseling session. Last week I didnt even talk much about me, spent it learning about recovery programs and sshhh talking about this site, getting her opinion on stuff.
Originally Posted by cleaninLI
I think the reason I thought about it in the way that I did is because I've done this. I've tested my husband's commitment level toward me. There were times when I did something that I knew would get a negative reaction and most likely start an argument........ Why did I do it? Probably abandonment issues, or low-self esteem or anger at myself. So I thought he may have the same types of issues.
Oh, btw, I'm interested in that book you're reading it really sounds interesting. Hmm, new term "emotion squisher"? I like that...could be MY husband too.
Oh, btw, I'm interested in that book you're reading it really sounds interesting. Hmm, new term "emotion squisher"? I like that...could be MY husband too.
Self esteem is a big one for him. I think in ways he has always tried to appear more confident and self assured than he really was, and then leading up to this relapse, he made some mistakes and his self confidence took a nose dive, and the image of perfection he always liked to portray he was afraid it would start to crumble. drugs slide right into that gap.
If he was partially testing me, do you think I passed?
The book Im reading is called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, PhD. "A womans guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships" This book came from my mom, she had it on the bookshelf at home from when she read it a few years ago. Has a lot of good insight about couples and how they play off each other, patterns of arguing, anger when one spouse wont get the help needed for medical problems, unproductive vs productive fighting, and lots of stories and examples, but havent seen any mention on codependency being an issue. Its not all about spouses there are other things like anger towards Impossible Mothers,how anger can be productive, how patterns of angry behavior can spread through generations. I like it, gives me a lot to think about.
Tonights my counseling session. Last week I didnt even talk much about me, spent it learning about recovery programs and sshhh talking about this site, getting her opinion on stuff.
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