It's not for me
Philosopher, thinker, tinker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2
It's not for me
Hi SR! I think this is my first thread!
I'm about to graduate out of IOP after being in it for 17 weeks, 9 hours a week. I'm going to be taking a 10 week codependency class after that, for 3 hours once a week.
Here's my problem:
My therapist is a very big AA/12-step supporter. I am not. My family is also hugely taken in with the idea of AA. I am not.
I've been sober now for (checking phone) 116 days. I don't count days, if it wasn't for the app on my phone, I'd have lost track.
My family, girlfriend, and therapist all want me to do 30 in 30 or 90/90. They want me in AA because they fully believe that is the ONLY way I can ever recover. I've been doing my own things like RR and AVRT. I've been researching nutrition and found a link between gastric bypass patients such as myself and substance abuse.
What I am doing seems to be working. I understand why people go to meetings. IMO, if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well.
I know my family wants to see me DOING something after all the years of drinking. They don't understand, however, that I *am* doing something -- I'm NOT drinking! My father is a recovered 'alcoholic' with over 27 years of sobriety. He never did the 12 steps and managed his own recovery. It seems odd that he's been sold on the idea of me becoming absorbed with AA.
For me to get involved with AA would mean that I would be stripping away my own beliefs and morals about the world in which I live. I would have to be untrue to myself, and "buy in" to someone else's dogma. I would have to become someone untrue to myself, and force a puzzle piece that doesn't fit to fit.
Sure, I could go through the motions to just get them off my back -- but I've lied enough in my drinking career. I don't want to lie anymore about things.
As I said, AA is something others can SEE you DO -- even if IMO its success rate is debatable. Whatever works for people is how I see it. I just know that in my core, and who I am as a person -- it's not for me.
I know my father is very worried about me and how I feel about AA. My therapist showed me a stack of actual letters he's received from my Dad (he didn't read them or let me see them). He indicated, however, that he is worried about my attitude in regards to AA.
My therapist is also worried about me leaving the program without becoming completely absorbed in AA and having a home group. I know what I have to do, and I know it won't be easy. I'm not angry at all these people per se, but I don't know how to effectively communicate with them that while I appreciate and understand their concern -- I just don't want to do AA.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
I'm about to graduate out of IOP after being in it for 17 weeks, 9 hours a week. I'm going to be taking a 10 week codependency class after that, for 3 hours once a week.
Here's my problem:
My therapist is a very big AA/12-step supporter. I am not. My family is also hugely taken in with the idea of AA. I am not.
I've been sober now for (checking phone) 116 days. I don't count days, if it wasn't for the app on my phone, I'd have lost track.
My family, girlfriend, and therapist all want me to do 30 in 30 or 90/90. They want me in AA because they fully believe that is the ONLY way I can ever recover. I've been doing my own things like RR and AVRT. I've been researching nutrition and found a link between gastric bypass patients such as myself and substance abuse.
What I am doing seems to be working. I understand why people go to meetings. IMO, if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well.
I know my family wants to see me DOING something after all the years of drinking. They don't understand, however, that I *am* doing something -- I'm NOT drinking! My father is a recovered 'alcoholic' with over 27 years of sobriety. He never did the 12 steps and managed his own recovery. It seems odd that he's been sold on the idea of me becoming absorbed with AA.
For me to get involved with AA would mean that I would be stripping away my own beliefs and morals about the world in which I live. I would have to be untrue to myself, and "buy in" to someone else's dogma. I would have to become someone untrue to myself, and force a puzzle piece that doesn't fit to fit.
Sure, I could go through the motions to just get them off my back -- but I've lied enough in my drinking career. I don't want to lie anymore about things.
As I said, AA is something others can SEE you DO -- even if IMO its success rate is debatable. Whatever works for people is how I see it. I just know that in my core, and who I am as a person -- it's not for me.
I know my father is very worried about me and how I feel about AA. My therapist showed me a stack of actual letters he's received from my Dad (he didn't read them or let me see them). He indicated, however, that he is worried about my attitude in regards to AA.
My therapist is also worried about me leaving the program without becoming completely absorbed in AA and having a home group. I know what I have to do, and I know it won't be easy. I'm not angry at all these people per se, but I don't know how to effectively communicate with them that while I appreciate and understand their concern -- I just don't want to do AA.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
To thine own self be true.
I'd say that if you are able to not drink and are moving forward in your life and not becoming obsessed with some other issues, like food or shopping or gambling or porn or online gaming, etc., then keep doing what works.
AA isn't for everyone. I went for four months and then stopped. Many people here on this site are long-term sober without AA.
The steps are a good, common sense way to live life. Are they the Only Way? No, of course not.
The Codependency classes will help. *Spoiler alert* they are probably 12 Step oriented, too.
I'd say that if you are able to not drink and are moving forward in your life and not becoming obsessed with some other issues, like food or shopping or gambling or porn or online gaming, etc., then keep doing what works.
AA isn't for everyone. I went for four months and then stopped. Many people here on this site are long-term sober without AA.
The steps are a good, common sense way to live life. Are they the Only Way? No, of course not.
The Codependency classes will help. *Spoiler alert* they are probably 12 Step oriented, too.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
There are two things you may wish to reexamine. You state that "to get involved with AA would mean that I would be stripping away my own beliefs and morals about the world in which I live. I would have to be untrue to myself, and "buy in" to someone else's dogma". Because you are posting in this forum, I assume you are referring to the spiritual aspects of the program, but there are in fact all sorts of atheists and agnostics in AA. And while you may need to develop some tolerance for the various beliefs of others, there is no need for anything except "a desire to stop drinking". If you do not have this basic desire, then I don't believe you would not fit in.
You also state that "if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well". Being new to sobriety, and having neither empirical evidence nor a great deal of personal experience with AA, this belief is understandable. In order to maintain it you would need to deny the experiences of many thousands of individuals, or never hear the accounts of the actions they have taken, and the results that have achieved.
That being said, I agree with you that if you do not think AA is right for you then it's probably not. The pressure for you to get involved in AA, at least from the stand point of your family, likely has to do with their fears. I would not judge them too harshly for this. If you're like the vast majority of us, you've given them more than enough cause for concern.
You also state that "if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well". Being new to sobriety, and having neither empirical evidence nor a great deal of personal experience with AA, this belief is understandable. In order to maintain it you would need to deny the experiences of many thousands of individuals, or never hear the accounts of the actions they have taken, and the results that have achieved.
That being said, I agree with you that if you do not think AA is right for you then it's probably not. The pressure for you to get involved in AA, at least from the stand point of your family, likely has to do with their fears. I would not judge them too harshly for this. If you're like the vast majority of us, you've given them more than enough cause for concern.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 125
All you lose is the time. It's an hour a day. You will learn things about your own behavior by listening to the stories of others, even if you don't work the steps. If it makes your girlfriend and your family happy, I'd consider it. There is little downside risk. Free coffee.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I know my father is very worried about me and how I feel about AA. My therapist showed me a stack of actual letters he's received from my Dad (he didn't read them or let me see them). He indicated, however, that he is worried about my attitude in regards to AA.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
First thing first: you are lucky that your dad loves you and has not giving up on you. As far as him being a pain in the behind, alcoholism affects the family as a whole (you should read a little bit on the friends and family side of this forum especially posts by parents to get a better understanding of where you dad is coming from).
He is probably full of fears of your relapsing and does not trust you. You probably did not lose his trust overnight and it will take a while (more than 17 weeks) for you to regain that trust.
Going to AA would probably pacify him in the short term but ultimately the best thing you can do is stay sober (with AVRT in your case since it seems to be working for you ) and act like a responsible adult.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Adam, if you can happily get through your days without drinking, that is all the proof you need that you're doing fine. If all those around you continue to see that happening, they will back off eventually. The proof is in the doing.
If, however you find yourself struggling, are you willing to reconsider?
If, however you find yourself struggling, are you willing to reconsider?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: BALTIMORE
Posts: 46
Here's something to consider- I went back to AA for the first time just last night after being away for a year. Previously I had seven months of sobriety through AA. My time away has been filled with multiple disastrous relapses. I left for a variety of reasons that I perceived to be flaws in the AA program in general. When I made the decision to go back, I got in touch with a childhood friend of mine who I was able to reconnect with through my previous time in AA. He is going on three years of great sobriety and would be able to recommend a good meeting. I was also looking forward to seeing a familiar face. I ended up seeing quite a few at last night's meeting. I've found that the meetings and the people at them are just like anything else in life- some you care for, some you don't. If you already know and trust someone in AA, you might want to ask them for recommendations for meetings that would be a good match for you. Just my two cents. Congrats and best of luck for continued sobriety.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Adam, I would strongly suggest you follow your conscience and do what you feel is right for you. I don't see AA as being much use to you at the present time. Having been in similar situations I absolutely know that AA would not have worked for me under those circumstances.
Try whatever method appeals. If the first one doesn't work, try something else. That's what I did. Luckily for me I was still alive when I ran out of options (one of the three out of the ten in our rehab group that survived beyond two years from leaving treatment)
AA was the last resort and it worked. Apart from the risk, I think AA probably works better when all other avenues have been exhausted. Do whatever you think is best. AA will still be here if nothing else works out.
Try whatever method appeals. If the first one doesn't work, try something else. That's what I did. Luckily for me I was still alive when I ran out of options (one of the three out of the ten in our rehab group that survived beyond two years from leaving treatment)
AA was the last resort and it worked. Apart from the risk, I think AA probably works better when all other avenues have been exhausted. Do whatever you think is best. AA will still be here if nothing else works out.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Hi Adam, congratulations to you on your sobriety.
As as been helpfully suggested already, the choice of forum here suggests an expected type of response. Maybe you would like to post in the Secular Connections forum? 12 steps are the same in most aspects whether there is a theistic approach or not. It seems as though you have done as many others do - one step to permanent and unconditional sobriety.
The type of response you will receive will be in the context of the forum in which you post. Keep that in mind as you ponder the responses you have received here. You will receive other types of support if you post in the Secular Connections forum. That might be a better fit for you.
As as been helpfully suggested already, the choice of forum here suggests an expected type of response. Maybe you would like to post in the Secular Connections forum? 12 steps are the same in most aspects whether there is a theistic approach or not. It seems as though you have done as many others do - one step to permanent and unconditional sobriety.
The type of response you will receive will be in the context of the forum in which you post. Keep that in mind as you ponder the responses you have received here. You will receive other types of support if you post in the Secular Connections forum. That might be a better fit for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 600
If you do stop attending make sure that you have something in its place. I stopped attending in the early days for similar reasons, but had nothing to fall back on that was on par with the support received from AA.
Inevitably I ended up going back as these people understood me. I've never been a 90 in 90 person, that isn't in the Big Book, neither is alot of the dogma you refer to.
Inevitably I ended up going back as these people understood me. I've never been a 90 in 90 person, that isn't in the Big Book, neither is alot of the dogma you refer to.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Eventually I found out "AA was not for me" as well because of the God thing. I worked all the 12 steps in one alternative version or the other except as written. All that effort was a waste of my time. All the God/HP stuff was suddenly irreverent when I became true to myself. Once I eliminated all the hindrances such as the God/HP in the big book, AA became beneficial, my recovery became smoother and abstinence became a breeze.
No one recovery method is proven to be better than the other.
Follow your heart.
No one recovery method is proven to be better than the other. Follow your heart.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Adama82 
Hi SR! I think this is my first thread!
I'm about to graduate out of IOP after being in it for 17 weeks, 9 hours a week. I'm going to be taking a 10 week codependency class after that, for 3 hours once a week.
Here's my problem:
My therapist is a very big AA/12-step supporter. I am not. My family is also hugely taken in with the idea of AA. I am not.
I've been sober now for (checking phone) 116 days. I don't count days, if it wasn't for the app on my phone, I'd have lost track.
My family, girlfriend, and therapist all want me to do 30 in 30 or 90/90. They want me in AA because they fully believe that is the ONLY way I can ever recover. I've been doing my own things like RR and AVRT. I've been researching nutrition and found a link between gastric bypass patients such as myself and substance abuse.
What I am doing seems to be working. I understand why people go to meetings. IMO, if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well.
I know my family wants to see me DOING something after all the years of drinking. They don't understand, however, that I *am* doing something -- I'm NOT drinking! My father is a recovered 'alcoholic' with over 27 years of sobriety. He never did the 12 steps and managed his own recovery. It seems odd that he's been sold on the idea of me becoming absorbed with AA.
For me to get involved with AA would mean that I would be stripping away my own beliefs and morals about the world in which I live. I would have to be untrue to myself, and "buy in" to someone else's dogma. I would have to become someone untrue to myself, and force a puzzle piece that doesn't fit to fit.
Sure, I could go through the motions to just get them off my back -- but I've lied enough in my drinking career. I don't want to lie anymore about things.
As I said, AA is something others can SEE you DO -- even if IMO its success rate is debatable. Whatever works for people is how I see it. I just know that in my core, and who I am as a person -- it's not for me.
I know my father is very worried about me and how I feel about AA. My therapist showed me a stack of actual letters he's received from my Dad (he didn't read them or let me see them). He indicated, however, that he is worried about my attitude in regards to AA.
My therapist is also worried about me leaving the program without becoming completely absorbed in AA and having a home group. I know what I have to do, and I know it won't be easy. I'm not angry at all these people per se, but I don't know how to effectively communicate with them that while I appreciate and understand their concern -- I just don't want to do AA.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
I'm about to graduate out of IOP after being in it for 17 weeks, 9 hours a week. I'm going to be taking a 10 week codependency class after that, for 3 hours once a week.
Here's my problem:
My therapist is a very big AA/12-step supporter. I am not. My family is also hugely taken in with the idea of AA. I am not.
I've been sober now for (checking phone) 116 days. I don't count days, if it wasn't for the app on my phone, I'd have lost track.
My family, girlfriend, and therapist all want me to do 30 in 30 or 90/90. They want me in AA because they fully believe that is the ONLY way I can ever recover. I've been doing my own things like RR and AVRT. I've been researching nutrition and found a link between gastric bypass patients such as myself and substance abuse.
What I am doing seems to be working. I understand why people go to meetings. IMO, if the meeting consisted of sitting around weaving baskets, framed around being sober -- it would work just as well.
I know my family wants to see me DOING something after all the years of drinking. They don't understand, however, that I *am* doing something -- I'm NOT drinking! My father is a recovered 'alcoholic' with over 27 years of sobriety. He never did the 12 steps and managed his own recovery. It seems odd that he's been sold on the idea of me becoming absorbed with AA.
For me to get involved with AA would mean that I would be stripping away my own beliefs and morals about the world in which I live. I would have to be untrue to myself, and "buy in" to someone else's dogma. I would have to become someone untrue to myself, and force a puzzle piece that doesn't fit to fit.
Sure, I could go through the motions to just get them off my back -- but I've lied enough in my drinking career. I don't want to lie anymore about things.
As I said, AA is something others can SEE you DO -- even if IMO its success rate is debatable. Whatever works for people is how I see it. I just know that in my core, and who I am as a person -- it's not for me.
I know my father is very worried about me and how I feel about AA. My therapist showed me a stack of actual letters he's received from my Dad (he didn't read them or let me see them). He indicated, however, that he is worried about my attitude in regards to AA.
My therapist is also worried about me leaving the program without becoming completely absorbed in AA and having a home group. I know what I have to do, and I know it won't be easy. I'm not angry at all these people per se, but I don't know how to effectively communicate with them that while I appreciate and understand their concern -- I just don't want to do AA.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm going to be doing a class on codependency and boundary setting.
I can totally get where your family is coming from and how AA would help them SEE something. But as a mom who also would love to SEE something this is my own problem...really and truly. I hate that it is but it is if I'm honest. I can't control how someone chooses to get help even though it would comfort ME if they would do it the way I thought it should be done, lol.
If I were your mom, I'd love to read your post above. I think I'd just want to know that 'you get it' more than anything. Could you type up what you wrote above for your family? Now if my son gave me a note like this I admit I would be skeptical....very skeptical but I'd also like to read it rather than not read it. It would just make me feel better to know that recovery was on my son's mind at least. Sometimes, on your worst days, you wonder if they even think about it at all.
All that said, my son did call someone from NA not long ago when he had the urge to use I guess. A guy picked him up because he lost his car and he seems like a nice guy and they have been to NA meetings and out fishing and other activities. My son is not a believer and doesn't like the 'God stuff' either but it is just a guy who understands. I suppose there is no rule that says they 'have' to talk about the steps when they are out together. Maybe a sponsor would be willing to just overlook that and be a supportive friend if you asked that of them. Maybe not, but what have you got to lose by asking and it would keep your family off your back, haha.
I wish you all the best.
Kari
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
"I just don't want to do AA" - a quote taken from you.
Then don't, I didn't ....I'm a bit over 10 months. I believe it is something you CAN control. You either choose to drink, or you don't, black-white.
That is what works for me! Whatever works for you-whatever method-just do it
Then don't, I didn't ....I'm a bit over 10 months. I believe it is something you CAN control. You either choose to drink, or you don't, black-white.
That is what works for me! Whatever works for you-whatever method-just do it
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