Pagekeeper

Lately I try not to get too caught up in labels or definitions. Of course, my mind wants to instantly categorize myself and other people in order to separate myself, stereotype, condemn and judge.

For most of my life I've drawn lines between myself and others. If you were a Baptist, there was a line between us--we were different. If you were a Rastafarian, there was a line between us. I had so many lines of division etched into my psyche that my brain must've looked like a maze. And not only theological lines--there were gender lines, ethnic lines, political lines, cultural lines, socioeconomic lines, educational, national, occupational, and on and on. Lines and more lines.

Slowly, over time, through meditation and reflection, I've become aware of how that separation and division is an illusion, and a very convincing one.

Before we are Christians or Hindus or atheists, we are human beings. Before we are republicans or liberals or socialists, we are human beings. Before we are black or white or Hispanic, we are human beings. Before we are male or female, we are human beings. Before we are Americans or Russians or Chinese, we are human beings. Before we are alcoholics or addicts or marathon runners, we are human beings. Before we are poets, accountants, or tellers, we are human beings.

But there's another level--the separation of myself from all things--both living and inanimate. Because before I'm a human being, I'm atoms and molecules, like everything else in the universe. Those lines, for me, are the most difficult.

I don't know that the lines ever disappear for good. But they do disappear in rare moments. And in those moments I experience what I can only describe as timelessness. I see the world without the past or the future. It simply is. The erasing of those lines is not a word, it's an experience--utterly undefinable, mysterious, and new. For lack of a better word, I call it God.

In my limited understanding of our 3rd step, we turn our will (EGOS) and our lives (IDENTITIES) over to the care God as we understand Him.

The "We" is very essential for me in this step, because when I truly turn over my ego and identities, there is no self, there is only infinite WE.

When I do this step completely, without reservation, I experience those rare moments of timelessness. But most of the time, I don't. I'm holding too tightly to ego, which reinforces those identities and tells me that I'm different, tells me to draw those lines.

Ananda

like that

I think of catagorizing and organizing data as part of the gift of being "born" to a human body....it's a form...it allows us to travel through this world in a particular manor...unfortuantely too often i take the gereralizations beyond their intended purpose...

The we...thats the key...when i can step outside the illusion of self..I think that is what people are expreincing when they say walking in the sunlight of the spirit!

I've been asked to host a step study in my home starting next sunday. As i go to look at these steps again i will try to share my journey with those of you here at SR.

when i do my prayer/meditation on my way into work each morning...this is often my focus...it allows me to let down the lines..the cages and boxes and open up to the moment, the sense that all is as it is...

don't know cant' explain it very well

:ghug

Pagekeeper

Please do!

Good idea about focusing on eliminating the lines in morning P&M. I'll try that.

NoelleR

"...In my limited understanding of our 3rd step, we turn our will (EGOS) and our lives (IDENTITIES) over to the care God as we understand Him..."

Regardless of your understanding of 'God' or 'will' or 'lives' ---- your 'limited understanding' of the 3rd step is a bit off the mark. Even though most folks, even the founders, seem to look at the working of this step as actually turning one's self over to his/her undertanding of 'God' --- the step doesn't really say this [even though Bill W may have actually (said a prayer and) turned his will and his life over; he didn't write the step that way]; the step says to 'make a decison' to do so.....and this is all that i did; I made that decision, and then went straight to work on the dreaded 4th step. ..... I'm way into simple; I'm also way into doing what the steps say and not what others seem to think the steps mean.....my working of the steps has always been very simple, and for the most part, easy.....wooohooo

Sooooo, I guess my only suggestion would be.....no matter what your conception of 'God' is; no matter what your understanding of this step is, make that decision/take that action ----- and get on to your next step.

See ya on the road (of happy destiny, that is)...... (o:


NoelleR

paulmh

Page, great post. I very much identify with your description of the experience of "handing over". It's something I've been trying to recapture lately.

stone

Thanks Page, I enjoyed that. I identified with it too, the diminution of self, the feeling of being "part of" rather than "separate from".

Paul, I think for me it is more a "letting go" than a "handing over", the wording is more helpful to me, being a pedantic bugger and not knowing what I am handing over to.

Ananda

gosh...you guys are so much more advanced than i am

Afraid i was unable to make the decision in step 3 without knowing what i was turning my self over too....i'm catious like that...

Afraid i had to analize my way through the first 3 steps...

Taking5

Noelle nailed it. "Made a decision" to turn you will and life over. You don't actually have to turn it over in step 3, that can come later.

As you work the rest of the steps, your knowledge of yourself and your HP will increase.

I have heard it argued that by the time you have worked all 12 steps and are continuing to work them by practicing AAs principles in all your affairs, that the "decision" you made in step 3 will have been completed.

stone

That is why I just see it as "letting go" at this point in time.

Pagekeeper

This made me laugh! I can so relate.

In all seriousness, though, can one make a decision unless they know what they are deciding? Maybe this step comes easier to those who already have a conception of a HP.

And for me, I practice this step daily. I no longer have the obsession to drink. It left when I started on my 9th step. I do, however, have the obsession to control other things in my life.

NoelleR

"...Maybe this step comes easier to those who already have a conception of a HP..."

Actually I worked all the steps w/o a conception of HP; in fact I worked the steps as an atheist.....sans any (external) HP altogether......


NoelleR
(o:

stone

What did you make the decision to turn your will and life over to, Noelle?

Pagekeeper

Whatever works is true for you if it works. See, I'm a pragmatist at heart.

But now I'm wanting a deeper understanding of this process and what it means to me, with the hope that some day my experience will help another. My interpretation changes as I change. The principles remain the same, but their meaning grows and deepens and evolves.

Some seek their HP by reading sacred texts, taking long walks, attending church or spiritual retreats, etc. I seek by reflection, self-examination, and yes, analysis. It works for me. "Contempt prior to investigation" used to be a big problem for me. But it's not anymore. Today I enjoy investigation, research, and learning new things.

paulmh

My experience only? I didn't "make a decision" - there was no will and no intellect. I stopped resisting (I suppose as an extension of the surrender of step one). If I "made a decision" it was simply to allow it to be.

What's interesting is my experience afterwards, that ego reasserts itself and "remakes" those lines that you talk about.

Pagekeeper

Oh absolutely. Or it makes new ones! It's something I try to be constantly aware of--of course "awareness" is the only thing that helps. I'm not to the point yet where I am constantly aware. It's getting better though. It's so very difficult to live in the present moment, you know? My mind wants to wander all over the place. But only when I live in the present moment is that awareness accessible to me, if that makes any sense.

Ananda

yep..that is where i am at today....it's something i don't quite understand, is this deeper understanding a part of the step work and there fore a part of my "AA program"? or is it just my personal journey and have nothing to do with my "AA" expereince strength and hope???

I get very confused over what is appropriete to share in AA in meetings, with other members or people seeking AA support....

Sorry..it's just a real deima for me right now..and i figure it's stupid silly over intelectualizing...i just don't know how else to do this thing yet....

keithj

I really like your post, Pagekeeper. Have you seen Chuck C.'s little drawing of a circle containing Life (or God or good in his terms) and all the We's in it, with a line separating him from that circle? The line is Ego, which artificially separates each of us from the rest of the world. You might really relate to his description. Then again, sounds like you are having your own experience with these 'spiritual terms', and that's all that matters. Thanks.

paulmh

That's a big question..

stone

I have been wondering about that myself. I think it is my own journey being made with guidance from the steps and other sources, Tolle, Buddhism etc. BUT I am making the journey with other alkies in AA and it is nice to feel part of something and nice to hear others experiences around the table in real life, rather than just reading about it.
There is something much more powerful about relating with other people face to face.

We are all striving for peace of mind, IMO. I think when we have peace of mind there is no need to drink. I can be as open-minded as possible and but I still cannot believe "god removes the obsession to drink", I think the obsession goes because some peace of mind has arisen and the peace of mind is a result of the spiritual journey

Pagekeeper

I have not seen it, no. Sounds cool. I've heard of his book, "A New Pair of Glasses." Is it in that book? I've been meaning to read it.