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Old 11-23-2018, 02:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Girlfriend in rehab...


So I've never done drugs, I'm not an alcoholic and I've never dated one. I started dating this girl I've known since high school, she has had a rough life, a drug addicted mother and abusive alcoholic father. When we first started dating I didnr know she was an addict. She was living at my house and things seemed good. Finally I found out and I decided I'd help her. She ended up overdosing twice and I had to give her narcan, after that she decided she would need to goto rehab a second time. Her exs were drug addicts and I figured me being clean would be a decent relationship for her, I figured I could help. She been in rehab for 2 weeks says shes doing great and sounds good, she calls everynight for about 15 minutes. The first 2 nights she called she was loving ans calling me babe. The last 6 convos she has not called me babe or been affectionate but she says she loves me. I asked her why shes been acting different and she says shes not and to not worry about it. That she wants to be with me. I try to communicate and figure out what's up but she gets edgy and defensive. So I chalked it up to her veing stressed and changing and I figured I'd leave it alone, her sobriety means.most to me. I worry day and night shes going to leave me or cheat on me with someone there. I'm not insecure but I may be co pendant. She almost treats me like a friend. I go see her sunday In person and I'm nervous. What do I do? Give her time? Leave? I want what's best but I also dont want to lose her in my life. She has relapsed before and she plans on living at my house after I just wanna help... what do I do?
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Old 11-23-2018, 08:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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ugh

So far she has called me everynight, she didnt call me tonight... I'm starting to worry now. I understand this is rough and she needs space, but it would be considerate to atleast phone me and let me know shes doing ok... I feel like her sobriety has made her more distance and that she might leave... We never dated when she was sober. I fear for the worst now. Maybe It's co-dependancy or maybe its something else but I have loved this girl for a long time and I feel so lost and lone without her here. I want to go to anon meetings but whats the point if shes going to end it? I'm supposed to see her this sunday, what do I do if she doesnt call? should I just not go? I arranged it at work so I would have the day off and she seemed so excited to see me a few days ago.
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Old 11-24-2018, 06:44 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Go see her but don't expect much. Two weeks of sobriety is not real sobriety. She is still going through with drawl .
Her emotions are going to be all over the place for the next few months. She will be angry and she might direct it at you.
You should get some information about co dependency. This is going to be a hard road for both of you.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Go see her but don't expect much. Two weeks of sobriety is not real sobriety. She is still going through with drawl .
Her emotions are going to be all over the place for the next few months. She will be angry and she might direct it at you.
You should get some information about co dependency. This is going to be a hard road for both of you.
Yeah I know its only been 2 weeks, and thats fine she can stay as long as she needs, what do you mean by dont expect much? I wish she would have atleast called last night and communicated with me. I don't want to go bother her if she doesnt want to see me, but I took work off and we planned this for a week, she was so excited to see me last time we talked (2 days ago.) We had a few tense convo's on the phone because we missed each other and she was going through alot and I was too, but I tried to hold my composure. I want to go to Codependency meetings and Anon meetings, I want to fix me, but I'm scared she might be giving up on me :-/ I've done a lot for her to get to where we are now in the last 3 months and I think I atleast deserve to know whats going on, right? I just don't even know what to do, I need input, wouldn't you think she would want to talk to her boyfriend? if only for 15 minutes? We only talk once a day for about 5-10 minutes.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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If you feel you have codependent tendencies, you will benefit from Al-Anon regardless of whatever happens with your relationship in the future.

Recovery from addiction is a fight for one's life--one each addict must undertake alone. Just to put what she is going through into perspective. It's incredibly difficult and requires 100% commitment and focus. As unfair as it may seem to you, she needs to focus on herself if she is going to have any chance of success.

Educating yourself about addiction may help you to find a way to take this less personally--because it truly isn't about you. If she is going to overcome this, she needs to give it everything she has.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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If you feel you have codependent tendencies, you will benefit from Al-Anon regardless of whatever happens with your relationship in the future.

Recovery from addiction is a fight for one's life--one each addict must undertake alone. Just to put what she is going through into perspective. It's incredibly difficult and requires 100% commitment and focus. As unfair as it may seem to you, she needs to focus on herself if she is going to have any chance of success.

Educating yourself about addiction may help you to find a way to take this less personally--because it truly isn't about you. If she is going to overcome this, she needs to give it everything she has.
Youre right. but it's just so hard because I don't know if she wants to be with me or end this, she hasnt called to tell me she wants to be over. She just stopped calling 2 days ago, and I am supposed to visit her tommorow so what do I do? just go? I told her I want her to focus on her and spend as much time there as she needs, I know I'm very codependant and I need to fix that and better understand what shes going through. Obviously her beating this addiction means more than anything including our relationship, but I feel like shes using me or just dragging me along, I wish I had answers... I've been a literal mess for 2 weeks now... I don't go out after work or anything, I come home and wait for her phone call everynight (between 8-10pm), all I care about right now is her and making sure she gets through this and she has a place to live and get better when she gets out. I just don't know if I should go see her or not. Shes lied to me alot, had been talking to her ex boyfriend and had HIM bring her to Rehab... We were not on good terms when she left, but I've tried to not let that effect us. I forgive her, and I just want whats best, for both of us.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Youre right. but it's just so hard because I don't know if she wants to be with me or end this, she hasnt called to tell me she wants to be over. She just stopped calling 2 days ago, and I am supposed to visit her tommorow so what do I do? just go? I told her I want her to focus on her and spend as much time there as she needs, I know I'm very codependant and I need to fix that and better understand what shes going through. Obviously her beating this addiction means more than anything including our relationship, but I feel like shes using me or just dragging me along, I wish I had answers...
If it helps, it is perfectly normal and natural to feel this way.

It is very likely that she simply doesn't have the answers you want.

As far as whether to go or not, I don't know what the best course of action is. If you go, just remember that her emotional world has likely turned upside down between giving up her primary coping mechanism and realizing that all of the pain she numbed out by using didn't go away. She probably simply isn't capable about making decisions about the future right now. It's not meant to hurt you (even though I know it does), but she needs to get healthy before she can be a healthy partner to anyone. Before she can even be a good friend to herself.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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So do I just continue to be with her and wait? And work on myself in the mean time? I'm going to go see her, just to see what's going on and talk, I miss her. She hasnt told me she doesnt want to do this anymore, so I can't just assume it's over or that she doesn't want to continue right? I feel like if I dont go see her it will make me even more of a mess not knowing anything, this is the only chance I'll have to see her for the whole month shes gone. When we talked on the phone she was so certain and seemed happy she said she wants to move in when she gets out and do iop everyday and said we could go to meetings together and now she just up and stopped calling. Last time I talked to her it was Thanksgiving and she talked to her mom and her mom was on drugs and she was very upset. I havnt heard from her since. I figured If she didnt want me to come she would have told me so right? Or if she didnt want to continue our relationship. Wouldn't she just call and tell me?
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Old 11-24-2018, 08:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Again, friend, her mind and heart are likely in a billion places right now.

Right now, you are allowing someone else to have total control over your emotional state, and that person is not in place where they can be trusted to take care of it. What can you do today, right now, to bring your attention back to taking care of yourself? Regardless of what she does or doesn't do?
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Old 11-24-2018, 09:31 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Again, friend, her mind and heart are likely in a billion places right now.

Right now, you are allowing someone else to have total control over your emotional state, and that person is not in place where they can be trusted to take care of it. What can you do today, right now, to bring your attention back to taking care of yourself? Regardless of what she does or doesn't do?

I'm just trying to keep my mind off it. Going to gym, working on my car. Attending anon meetings, been researching codependency etc. I'm trying but I feel like part of me is missing. I want to go see her tommorow, but I'm scared. I know I know I'm being selfish and shes working on her. But before she went in we vowed to do this together and up until a couple nights ago I thought it was going fine. Like I said do I give up or wait it out? Do i go see her or not? Is she not calling me for a reason? Idk... I just want closure
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Old 11-24-2018, 09:37 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I understand.

in my experience, closure isnít something someone else can give you, just like I canít tell you what choice will be the best for you, whether to visit or not. I do know that accepting responsibility for the decision yourself is a step away from codependency and towards self-respect and stronger self-worth, regardless of the outcome.
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Old 11-24-2018, 10:43 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I understand.

in my experience, closure isnít something someone else can give you, just like I canít tell you what choice will be the best for you, whether to visit or not. I do know that accepting responsibility for the decision yourself is a step away from codependency and towards self-respect and stronger self-worth, regardless of the outcome.
I guess I just dont know if she still wants to do this or what. We had it all planned. I was sticking with the plan but her not calling is making me worry that shes not following the plan. I know this is hard and her minds everywhere but I just dont get what I did wrong. I just sont get what everyones telling me... I want to go see her and want to be with her that's all I know. I just dont know is it a bad idea to stay... I've never done this I have no idea how to deal with it and what she wants.
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Old 11-24-2018, 05:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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If you want to go, then go. It sounds like you will be miserable if you don't, so just do it, if that's what you want to do. You may get some answers to your questions if you go.
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Old 11-24-2018, 07:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If you want to go, then go. It sounds like you will be miserable if you don't, so just do it, if that's what you want to do. You may get some answers to your questions if you go.
youre right she could be kicked out or hurt for all I know. If I get there and it's over it's over. If she needs time then ill give her time. But until I know what's going on I'm gonna go crazy. She didnt call me tonight either.
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