Major trust issues with cocaine Partner in very early recovery
Need some advice around trust when your addict is in Recovery.
Bit of brief background info....
He has suffered from mental health issues since he was 11
Since I met him he has always been extremely paranoid about me going off with other blokes - he has low self esteem and has never liked me going out with my girl mates
I have known my Partner for 5 years. We have a 2 year old son. I found out about his cocaine addiction when our son was 5 months old - I can't say I was surprised when I found out as it made a lot of sense (he was never around, suspicious behaviour, sleeping all day, never had any money, etc).
Fast forward 2 years and end of June he finally decided enough was enough and he needed to kick in the cocaine. He hit rock bottom when he called me three times in one week threatening to kill himself and crying - this is a man I have only seen cry once when our son was born. After that happened he has changed his life completely - he has taken up boxing lessons 3 days a week, he has reduced his friendship circle massively, he spends so much more time with our son & I, etc.
In April I found out he was going to another woman's house whenever we had an arguement. He swears she was a friend and someone to talk to, but I'm not convinced. She seemed to love rubbing it in my face when I confronted her :/
Recently he has been talking a lot about his feelings, and how going out isn't him anymore and he would prefer to spend time with our son & I and our future together. He is suffering badly with depression and anxiety - has good days, but mostly bad. He is also trying to persuade his other drug addicted mates to stop the drugs and how they will benefit like he has.
However I have major trust issues with him. I used to be really chilled out before I found out about the cocaine use - he would go out and I would enjoy my 'me' time, and I wouldn't worry about other women, or him lying about where he had been, etc. But since he decided to give up the drugs, I have gone full on crazy because I don't trust him. I haven't trusted him for a while, but the distrust has multiplied. He never uses his phone when he is around me; he enjoys his time with us, yet I think the times he isn't with us, he is messaging other women and seeing women behind my back. My heart tells me this is BS, but my head is on overdrive thinking about this stuff. It's getting to the point where I'm examining his phone records, driving past his house when he isn't with me to check he is at home, and obsessing when he is online on Facebook. The thing is - this isn't me! I have always been so trusting and he is the only person in my life that I haven't been able to trust. He is an attractive bloke, and accepts all women on Facebook; whether he knows them or not. It makes me think of the woman he was seeing all those months ago for attention - and he said when we fell out, he needed attention and someone to be with.
He tells me he is suicidal and depressed, so I know he wouldn't be seeing other women - he isn't in the right head. But I don't know why I think he is always up to no good. Obviously being a drug addict for 3 years comes copious lies and manipulation so that hasn't helped.
As well he keeps telling little white lies , like hiding stuff from me on Facebook and lying about not going to work. It sounds pathetic I know - but I believe only a guilty person lies. He lies about small stuff that no one would care about. He obviously does it to cover is own arse but it just makes matters worse.
I love him - of course. But I don't want to leave him in case I am totally wrong about everything, and of course he isn't in the right frame of mine at the moment and I know I am being selfish and making things worse. This is such a **** position to be in - I am extremely confused and any advise would greatly appreciated.