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Old 08-25-2017, 06:16 AM   #1 (permalink)

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First year of marriage... I need help

I found this forum on Google.. so I'm completely new here...
Me and my husband will be married for a year in September. I had over a year and he had almost a year when we met. I will have 3 years in February. We're struggling hard. When I met him (at a narcan training) I knew it. I 100% knew that I would be with that man. I took my program very seriously and stayed out of a relationship during my first year and more because I have a son and the relationship between me and his real father was so unhealthy and codependent.. so I brought a little boy into this relationship and he has a daughter who he is still rebuilding a relationship with again. We are struggling hard right now in our marriage. I have a childhood that contains divorce and messy relationships. I've never seen a healthy loving companionship.. every man that came into my life has left. (Dad in and out drinking, step dad who left time and time again, step mother who treated me like dirt) and all of those relationships have ended. I've seen 4 divorces between my parents growing up. So I'm really good at building walls, shutting down, and preparing myself not to get hurt. My husband grew up in a crappy home too and was always told he wasn't good enough. I need your help.. I need people who don't know me and can tell me how it is..he's not living at home at the moment and I feel like he's shutting down and I'm opening up.. what do we do??
Marriage counseling is in the works it's just not happening as quickly as I'd like. Can someone who has gone through this give me some insight on marriage/relationships with two recovering alcoholics/addicts in recovery??
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Old 08-25-2017, 09:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, MrsAA.
Don't really have advice for you beyond the observation that you both have some stuff.
Hard to rise above, sometimes.
Good for you for embracing counselling.
Hope it helps.
Keep coming back.
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Old 09-11-2017, 07:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 498
Finding a way to communicate.
Taking time for self and own commitments outside of marriage.
Keep working the program.
Relax, let it be.
Avoid introspection, enmeshment and anxiety inducing situations.
One day at a time.
My marriage needs the above and as long as I keep seeking the right path for me and just keep on more is revealed even if the future is not ours, I can live in the eternal now and contain the worry to a moment.
On my wagon (enjoying the journey & the view!) since:October 6th 2013
I will Never ever drink alcohol ever again
And I will NEVER change my mind!
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Old 09-11-2017, 03:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Adelaide, Australia
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No advice- but for me- outside, professional help and meeting for me sobriety are essential. I am not in a partnership- my drinking saw to that. Obviously chemical will not help, but talking to a professional- individually, different professional to work just on your own issues may help. You mentioned a lot of historical baggage. Meetings? A weird one- but perhaps a support group for those effected by a partner who is recovering from addiction. I only thought of this- for me recently..I am an alcoholic- who was affected by my dad's alcoholism- who was affected by his. You both have my compassion, empathy, support and prayers. Addiction sucks. People do not - who try.
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Old 11-07-2017, 09:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Therapy and self-care. You mentioned you guys came from broken homes, remember that you are not your past, you can end the cycle and move forward!
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Old 01-09-2018, 11:01 AM   #6 (permalink)

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I find myself in a similar situation... however, all I can say is that a marriage/relationship takes work.. and with an addict, it is even more work. My wife is committed to working her recovery, and we are committed to working our marriage. Will it be difficult? Absolutely! The destruction and distrust that developed during her active addition has seriously underminded what was a good relationship.

I have no illusions that a divorce may be in the future, but it is for just about anybody, but i prefer to keep looking only at today... knowing that my wife and i are willing to make it work.

Best of luck. And of course, seek marriage counseling for both of you, and if he is unwilling, at least for yourself... a lot can be learned.

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