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Old 06-18-2017, 07:37 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Careless


Long story short, I have always been introverted, private and have found it difficult to emotionally connect with and trust people. It made me mildly self conscious in my younger years, but athletic activities kept me from having a lot of time for friends or boyfriends. At 25 a devastating loss left me in despair with a lot for free time on my hands. I went to a bar for the first time and (looking back on it now) I found that alcohol turns me into the fun, extroverted, popular party girl I had always secretly admired. I connected with people on an emotional level, and I even opened up enough to put trust in a few people. During my "alcohol and depression fueled binge, I met, fell in love and married.

Now that I am sober, I have morphed back into the girl I was before. I enjoy my life the way it is now However, after a year and a half of sobriety and almost 2 years of marriage. My brain has disengaged the emotional and trusting connections I had made.... including the one with my husband. This lack of connection has completely ruined the intimacy with my husband, I have absolutely no desire for sex and it is making me feel very guilty. I was never big on sex before (alcohol helped), but I feel like it has gotten worse and every time my husband tries to get intimate it actually makes me irritated.

Any advice? Should I seek private or marriage counseling? Does anyone else have experience with these dramatic personality changes in themselves or loved ones after recovery? How the hell does someone tell their spouse that they don't want to have sex with them? I have even considered divorce because I feel so guilty that my husband has married a lie.
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Old 06-18-2017, 09:23 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm not sure the source of your avoidance of intimacy, but I understand being married to a woman that feels that way. If you have an abuse history I would recommend private counseling. Maybe just start there to help understand yourself better. My wife didn't tell me about her abuse background until a few years after we were married. I knew something was wrong, but didn't know why. It has been very difficult. I gave up on sex or intamacy. Lots of frustration, anger and bitterness.
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Old 06-19-2017, 05:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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No history of abuse, maybe I should have mentioned that. I grew up never really fond of closeness or intimacy. I hated hugging my relatives when I was little (though I loved to hug everyone when I was drunk). I always figured it was just my personality and after taking a personality test (after sobering up) and talking to people with the same type, I find that, keeping people at a distance, to be fairly common. . I have lost the friendships I made when I was drinking because everything we did revolved around drinking and I'm not really upset by that because I prefer much more to be alone.

My biggest problem rests with my husband. I want to make it work, because I know he is still all in to this marriage and how much it would hurt him. I also enjoy spending time with him. There are things that bother me about him that I didn't notice when I was drinking, but nothing I would divorce him over. I just can't get past this lack of wanting intimacy issue. Perhaps looking into counseling is the way to go.
Thanks for your response, SimplyFree, perhaps I should have made a longer, more detailed post to clear up any confusion.
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Old 06-19-2017, 09:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Certainly there are people who aren't big on intamacy due to personality and that is fine and normal. I don't know that you need to change other than meeting your husbands need. Since he loves you and wants the marriage to work, it doesn't seem like a deal breaker currently. If you go cold to him there may come a time he is tempted or becomes resentful. Ask your husband what is important to him whether it is staying fit or a specific amount of sex he needs to be ok. Most of all when you are intimate, don't "check out". Otherwise it really is just sex instead of bonding.
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Old 06-21-2017, 06:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I reread your post in which you say you want to make it work because your husband is into the marriage and you don't want to hurt him, but what about you? What do you want? Maybe counselling can help you uncover that answer.

I stayed married because I didn't want to hurt my spouse nor did I know how to honestly look at myself. Counselling helped.

Good luck!
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Old 08-04-2017, 07:33 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I realize that this is an older post, I hope that you are doing well and that you have at least started to figure things out. One thing I have learned, being fairly introverted myself, it is extremely hard to open up, very hard to trust, especially when there are things from the past that haunt you.
I too used alcohol as a way to open up to people, probably more than I should have to some people. I find myself now having a hard time connecting with pretty much anyone. As time goes on, it seems to get a little easier, small things I started to share, still gives me a fair amount of anxiety. I seem to be able to get people to open up to me and feel comfortable talking about all kinds of deep personal stuff, which does help me feel better about myself, I have a couple new friends that tread very gentle and can get things out of me, which also helps.

I guess I don't really have any better advice than what has already been stated, I would encourage you to push out of your comfort zone and talk about these things with your husband, guys can get a bad rap for not having feelings, but I think that once you get in close with the right one, such as the one you married, you will find that there are alot of things that they are able to feel and relate to. Coping with past grievances is a very important part of moving forward, I still struggle almost daily with that.

I wish you the very best.
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