Damaged child from drinking parent. - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Special-Interest Groups > Relationships & Parenting In Sobriety
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 03-04-2017, 07:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
No Matter What.
 
zenchaser's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,416

Damaged child from drinking parent.


My son is now a teenager and has always been difficult but lately it's stepped up a notch. He doesn't sleep at night so won't get up in the mornings for school. He has always been a picky eater so he's small for his age and I think his lack of eating and sleeping is taking away from his vitality.... he always seems so mopey. He goes days without a shower and I'm always harping on him to go clean himself up. He seems depressed to me..... and like whatever small things he has control over he uses in an unhealthy way. I have tremendous guilt that this is because of raising him in a home with an alcoholic mother. I feel like he maladjusted his behaviour because I made him feel like he had a chaotic home life. No matter what I request of him, no matter how small or trivial his answer is no, refuses to comply at all times.... it is incredibly frustrating and draining to have to argue about the same issues over and over. It makes me feel like a failure as a mother and as a human being. Any other parents out there go through this and if so how did you turn things around?
__________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground

Tom Petty
zenchaser is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to zenchaser For This Useful Post:
Briar (08-06-2017), PhoenixJ (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 08:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
PhoenixJ's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 12,452
Blog Entries: 2
I can offer no advice on this ZC. I can offer empathy and support.
PhoenixJ is online now   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to PhoenixJ For This Useful Post:
zenchaser (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 08:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 209
My son is now 20
He was always Quiet and a nice kid
And pretty much EVERYTHING you say about your teenager
My son has now matured (this happens at around 18 in girls but about 20 in boys in my opinion)
And he is lovely but spends too much time in the shower nowadays- and always too much washing- he changes his clothes 2 to 3 times a day
So please try not to worry too much-
what does he like to eat / make it together/ act like you enjoy being around him even if it is hard work sometimes- you will both benefit and relax in each other's company if your not just going on at him for not washing-/ just ignore them things for a bit if you can
Kcey is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Kcey For This Useful Post:
zenchaser (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 08:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 209
He is going through many changes as a teenager and is trying to make sense of the grown up world and still feels like a child. It's an awful time for boys especially I think
Kcey is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Kcey For This Useful Post:
zenchaser (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 08:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
NorthSider
 
Fly N Buy's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,056
Yes, I did and still do ( though it's better ) go thru this with my son. I'll reference one story to put things in perspective - I am not proud of this, obviously.

5 years ago on the eve of Mothers day I was at the liquor store stocking up - though my wife rarely drinks, on occasion she'd enjoy a few sips of a margarita. I had the vision = Mothers day on the deck sipping margaritas with my wife in her honor. Beautiful.

That night I drank as usual in my garage, smoking cigarettes one after another, my company being the dog. I was drinking beer initially then decided some shots of tequila would be a nice addition to my pre mothers day celebration. A few hours of this behavior and things got/remain a little blurry.

I do remember an argument with my son and him leaving in the car very upset. As he drove down the street I saw him throw something out the window of the vehicle. I head something break, loudly. I stumbled down our street in the darkness to the point where he'd thrown something out the window.

Under the street light I could make out the remnants of a tequila bottle.

I was furious. I called him, though he would not answer. I sent him a scathing text - I can't believe you smashed the bottle of tequila! You just ruined Mom's Mothers day surprise.

My son is now 20 years old and at college - today I am 1,000 days sober. I took my last drink when he was 17 years old. He didn't listen much either from about 15 until recently - it's still difficult, however - but our relationship continues to improve.

What can I expect? I was a selfish drunk who lied and manipulated. He simply followed in my footsteps mimicking the behavior he witnessed.

All that said, I have a lot of faith and a lot of hope. I have come clean with him and he with me. Today as a sober, mature adult with a clear head I am able to parent him while he's on the cusp of adulthood. I do not try to buy his love, nor walk on eggshells. That would do continuing harm. I make him accountable and stress much of that is to oneself.

My son now sends me texts about what is going on in his life and is capable of expressing love towards others more. He gains in empathy. He refuses counselling, but is aware of the tools available if and when he decides to seek help.

My past has become my greatest strength. I can look him and the world in the eyes and do the best I can daily to love those I encounter. I am a flawed, more than middle aged man. I am not perfect and importantly, I don't expect others to be perfect.

These are skills I have learned through grace and a lot of help from friends. I stay sober, and clean up my wreckage as I am able, and when wrong today promptly admit.

Keep working on it and seek/offer the help all need as possible is how I live today.
Thanks for bringing these thought out today, helpful

Hang in there
Fly N Buy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Fly N Buy For This Useful Post:
Fluffer (03-05-2017), Kcey (03-04-2017), least (03-04-2017), zenchaser (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 09:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
No Matter What.
 
zenchaser's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kcey View Post
My son is now 20
He was always Quiet and a nice kid
And pretty much EVERYTHING you say about your teenager
My son has now matured (this happens at around 18 in girls but about 20 in boys in my opinion)
And he is lovely but spends too much time in the shower nowadays- and always too much washing- he changes his clothes 2 to 3 times a day
So please try not to worry too much-
what does he like to eat / make it together/ act like you enjoy being around him even if it is hard work sometimes- you will both benefit and relax in each other's company if your not just going on at him for not washing-/ just ignore them things for a bit if you can

My son is a quiet nice kid too. He's also very clever and wicked funny at times. Some of the one liners he's come up with have had me in stitches! And I love his company

Maybe I worry too much and this is just normal teenage rebel without a cause angst. It's just hard to see him seem so unhappy at times..... and I know without a doubt that my drinking has had an impact on him.... and for that I am deeply sorry.

I keep trying to get him into the kitchen with me to teach him how to cook because I thought that if he learned to make it himself he would have to at least TRY it lol..... But as much as I want to hang out with him, sadly he no longer wants to hang out with me.

Thank you for your reply.
__________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground

Tom Petty
zenchaser is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to zenchaser For This Useful Post:
Kcey (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 09:48 AM   #7 (permalink)
No Matter What.
 
zenchaser's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy View Post
Yes, I did and still do ( though it's better ) go thru this with my son. I'll reference one story to put things in perspective - I am not proud of this, obviously.

5 years ago on the eve of Mothers day I was at the liquor store stocking up - though my wife rarely drinks, on occasion she'd enjoy a few sips of a margarita. I had the vision = Mothers day on the deck sipping margaritas with my wife in her honor. Beautiful.

That night I drank as usual in my garage, smoking cigarettes one after another, my company being the dog. I was drinking beer initially then decided some shots of tequila would be a nice addition to my pre mothers day celebration. A few hours of this behavior and things got/remain a little blurry.

I do remember an argument with my son and him leaving in the car very upset. As he drove down the street I saw him throw something out the window of the vehicle. I head something break, loudly. I stumbled down our street in the darkness to the point where he'd thrown something out the window.

Under the street light I could make out the remnants of a tequila bottle.

I was furious. I called him, though he would not answer. I sent him a scathing text - I can't believe you smashed the bottle of tequila! You just ruined Mom's Mothers day surprise.

My son is now 20 years old and at college - today I am 1,000 days sober. I took my last drink when he was 17 years old. He didn't listen much either from about 15 until recently - it's still difficult, however - but our relationship continues to improve.

What can I expect? I was a selfish drunk who lied and manipulated. He simply followed in my footsteps mimicking the behavior he witnessed.

All that said, I have a lot of faith and a lot of hope. I have come clean with him and he with me. Today as a sober, mature adult with a clear head I am able to parent him while he's on the cusp of adulthood. I do not try to buy his love, nor walk on eggshells. That would do continuing harm. I make him accountable and stress much of that is to oneself.

My son now sends me texts about what is going on in his life and is capable of expressing love towards others more. He gains in empathy. He refuses counselling, but is aware of the tools available if and when he decides to seek help.

My past has become my greatest strength. I can look him and the world in the eyes and do the best I can daily to love those I encounter. I am a flawed, more than middle aged man. I am not perfect and importantly, I don't expect others to be perfect.

These are skills I have learned through grace and a lot of help from friends. I stay sober, and clean up my wreckage as I am able, and when wrong today promptly admit.

Keep working on it and seek/offer the help all need as possible is how I live today.
Thanks for bringing these thought out today, helpful

Hang in there
My son has started to call me out about my drinking. I've seen the disgust on his face and it is not a nice feeling. Really really makes it hit home how destructive alcoholism is in families. And what a terrible family legacy it can be.... I remember feeling the same way about my mom. I can't believe that I've allowed it to go on for as long as it has. Hopefully with time and sobriety he can forgive me. The buck stops here and now.

I am considering family counseling. I have another son who is a real people pleaser. I think the three of us would do well to talk to someone..... give my boys a chance to articulate their feelings and for me to learn how to heal some of the damage I have created.
__________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground

Tom Petty
zenchaser is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to zenchaser For This Useful Post:
Carpathia (03-08-2017), CelticZebra (08-06-2017), Fly N Buy (03-04-2017), Kcey (03-04-2017)
Old 03-04-2017, 10:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
NorthSider
 
Fly N Buy's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,056
Yea Zen, it was pretty evident with my son he was done listening to words as with most teens and really people in general. Change was all he could "hear" at that point. No pomp and circumstance, just one foot in front of the other is all I could do.

You can do that as well! There is hope
Fly N Buy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Fly N Buy For This Useful Post:
Kcey (03-04-2017), zenchaser (03-04-2017)
Old 08-06-2017, 11:38 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
CelticZebra's Avatar
 

Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 489
It's so hard having a teenager! It's harder having more but I've got my girl back and I'm so worried about things but that's my problem, not hers, I have to be the grown-up and its so scary at times knowing if I'm doing the right things. Acceptance is the main thing, the more I prove myself as a person, being accountable for my actions, owning my own behaviour and emotional states with as much honesty as appropriate to my 15 yr old daughter the more I feel better for being able to communicate on her level and stop being quite as selfish as I used to be when she was younger. Partly I'm trying to make up for the missing parenting I had from my parents at that age, still trying to get a grip on that period of my life which I believe led to many of my addiction problems and current anxiety/depression which is mostly situational yet still connected to the DV then. We are what we learn I guess, I'm learning to become the person I can finally be proud of and hope that one day my daughter will feel that way too.
__________________
On my wagon (enjoying the journey & the view!) since:October 6th 2013
I will Never ever drink alcohol ever again
And I will NEVER change my mind!
CelticZebra is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CelticZebra For This Useful Post:
BlownOne (08-12-2017), zenchaser (08-13-2017)
Old 08-06-2017, 11:45 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Mummyto2's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 1,052
Sounds like a typical teenager to me, mine is the same and her friends, their bodies are changing hormones running around etc good luck
Mummyto2 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Mummyto2 For This Useful Post:
zenchaser (08-13-2017)
Old 08-06-2017, 09:25 PM   #11 (permalink)
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
 
Briar's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,741
Blog Entries: 37
I think for me the guilt makes me worry if every issue is something I caused when I was drinking. I quit when she was 3, but those first few years are so formative. I don't know what her experience was like dealing with me. I was a quiet drinker who didn't cause a lot of chaos, but I was so checked out. Did we bond right? Does she trust me? Did I hurt her? I just don't know. I will probably carry these fears with me for the rest of my life.
Briar is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Briar For This Useful Post:
zenchaser (08-13-2017)
Old 08-13-2017, 10:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
No Matter What.
 
zenchaser's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,416
Yeah, I've been exploring my guilt over my children in another thread on the alcoholism board. It's really hard. I wasn't a total failure as a mother when I was drinking but I could and should have done a much better job. I wasn't plugged in enough and I was very selfish. I used to hide in the kitchen and drink and on hangover days I did little more than lay on the couch feeling sick. This went on for years! I've got my son in counseling now to deal with his anxiety, he has low self esteem, there is little doubt that I played a big role in these problems. I wasn't there for him, his needs came second to my desire to drink. He's got emotional problems that I should have been on top of years ago but I was busy self intoxicating.

Anyways, hopefully it's not too late to turn things around and for all of us to do some recovery work and healing.
__________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground

Tom Petty
zenchaser is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2017, 11:01 AM   #13 (permalink)
No Matter What.
 
zenchaser's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,416
Quote:
Originally Posted by CelticZebra View Post
It's so hard having a teenager! It's harder having more but I've got my girl back and I'm so worried about things but that's my problem, not hers, I have to be the grown-up and its so scary at times knowing if I'm doing the right things. Acceptance is the main thing, the more I prove myself as a person, being accountable for my actions, owning my own behaviour and emotional states with as much honesty as appropriate to my 15 yr old daughter the more I feel better for being able to communicate on her level and stop being quite as selfish as I used to be when she was younger. Partly I'm trying to make up for the missing parenting I had from my parents at that age, still trying to get a grip on that period of my life which I believe led to many of my addiction problems and current anxiety/depression which is mostly situational yet still connected to the DV then. We are what we learn I guess, I'm learning to become the person I can finally be proud of and hope that one day my daughter will feel that way too.
I totally agree that we learn what we are taught. My parents were both addicts and are ground zero for my addictions that followed me through my adult life. That's why it's important for me to break the cycle and show my boys that there's another, better way. It doesn't have to be a family legacy. If I'd kept going it was going to be my stash that my kids experimented with.
__________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
No I'll stand my ground

Tom Petty
zenchaser is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:40 PM.