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Help me understand to understand him

Old 09-24-2013, 11:39 AM
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Help me understand to understand him

I am a flood of emotions right now, and trying my best to stay above the water so that I can help my rabf in this what appears to be extreme dry drunk. It seems I have tried everything but if I throw him a life rafted, all he will do is throw it back at me, and let himself drown. Forgive what might be a long post. I have talked to my sponsor about this, however before bob (name changed) even started a relationship, she told me to beware bc we both had short sobriety time. I was two months in and he was almost a year. My sponsor doesn't say "I told ya so." I feel I deserve it and that's why to makes it hard to talk to her. It's my own worries,not anything she ever thinks or says to me. She is such a grace to me. Ok so here we go, bare with me as a cry and write...

In February 2013, after nine years of drinking all day everyday, I had my ahhha moment. I quit my job that I would eventually be fired from I'm sure, seperated from my then boyfriend, and moved two hours to my parents house. I had a high bottom, thank God. I met bob because we both ran in the same AA twenty something friends. Some are married together some are expecting. It's so great. Bob was such a blessing, letting me run my course with my steps 1-3. I was still hung up on what I left behind in the break up and move. After a while, I began to isolate when bob wanted to commit. I didn't pick up, but I didn't talk or go to any meetings for a month. I snapped out of it, saw bob on night after a meeting when we all went to the diner. Something struck me so hard and with in days, bob and I were a couple. He so graciously accepted me back.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. He is picking fights and yelling at me non stop. I ask him calmly what I can do better and how to correct these things that were so upsetting to him. When I take that advice and practice it. When I do this he flips it around and yells and screams, but it's the way I was doing the first time. I can't win. It's heartbreaking to watch him snowball into dry drunk. At first I was so defensive, taking everything personally. A few times I broken down crying bc we were driving to his house on a windy road I wasn't familiar with in the dark and in deer country, and he lost it.... Yelling at me for braking around curves and doing 35 in a 45. I pulled over and broke down. I couldn't breathe. To make matters worse he yelled at me for crying and to stop. He is being the definition of gaslighting (if u google it, that will give you a picture perfect example)

Actually, lol, please google gaslighting so I don't have to make this longer. Thanks! He tells me now he wants less of a relationship, but then again didn't know. It's heartbreaking, it's not me bc nothing he yells about specifically pertains to me, it could be any girl dating him. Being in recovery, I can plain as day identify his disease taking over his heartand mind and I can't fix it. I have to see him tonite, upon his request. This could be an apology and he actually sees it now. Or it could be over. I told him either way, whatever he feels, I will support him. Don't be scared of me or scared to tell me it's over. I don't want to stress him out or make him be in a relationship he doesn't want. All in all, we went from the best thing I ever had, to this. Flippity flop. I know God has my back, but how do I remind bob that God has his back too? I'm not just here to be his gf, I'm here bc I care... Gf or not. I'm hoping this passes any he sees that even in his worst state, he can lean on me. What do I do? Say? Without being gaslighted again?
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Old 09-24-2013, 11:25 PM
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Hi BlessMe,
Sorry for your situation.

Have you spoken to your sponser about this situation in depth?

I can only give you my opinion.. No one deserves to be spoken to badly, and if your keeping your side of the street clean that's all you can do..

However, why do you keep going back for me if you keep getting shouted out? Maybe.. It would be better to say to Bob in a calm environment, I love spending time with you but I won't be spoken to like that, so if you are finding it hard to not shout at me then I will have to remove myself from the situation. It can't be making him feel good talking to you like that either - so it's surely upsetting you both?

Is it just when your driving? I find me and my husband have argued a lot about my driving.. Especially in the beginning of our relationship and he always used to insult my driving.. So I sent him for some driving lessons and now.. No complaining about my driving..

Not sure if this will be of any use
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BlessMe (09-26-2013)
Old 09-24-2013, 11:27 PM
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Also..

Your sponser will never judge you. She/he is there to support, guide and show you some love/tough love in times of need. Talk to her/him.. Don't let your relationship cause your sponsee/sponser relationship slip.. At the end of the day your sobriety should come first.
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