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Old 06-27-2013, 05:04 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Transitioning to a sober relationship

So this is my first post and I've been sober for about 9 days now and today my boyfriend, of 2 1/2 years, and I got into yet another discussion about our sex life. When I used to drink it was easy to get into that blank state of zero thought and I was much more enthusiastic. But when I'm sober I just have no desire to have sex and today he told me that he misses the way I used to be. This was difficult because we both want me to be sober but he told me that he isn't able to differentiate sober and drunk sex. He tells me all I have to do is bring that out again but well, I just have always felt like a different person while drunk and I guess essentially I was. I was a person who never thought about anything before doing it which is something I'd never do with a clear head. I don't want to go back to drinking but I'm afraid he will leave me because he is so unhappy and unsatisfied with our sex life. I feel that the rest of our relationship is good and I enjoy spending time together. It's just been a stressful and upsetting day and I've been having bad cravings today that I'm working hard to resist. I just don't know what to do.
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Old 06-28-2013, 09:15 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Juliens,

Congratulations on your sober time. That is fantastic. There is not a lot of activity in this forum, so if you don't get responses here, maybe try the newcomers forum. Regardless, it is great that you are posting here and getting honest.

My first suggestion is don't f***ing drink, no matter what. That will not solve your problems, or make you or your boyfriend happy. If you're considering whether it's a good idea, remember all the bad stuff and misery it causes, too, not just the fun stuff.

Alcohol is not my drug of choice, but I abused it plenty, and it has always been closely tied to my dating life and sex life. I used it to remove my inhibitions and get wild in ways I normally wouldn't. I have a distinct memory of my girlfriend (now ex) waiting for me in bed while I chugged the rest of the bottle of wine in the kitchen to get into it. At the time, it seemed fun, if a little off, but now it sounds very sad and desperate.

Maybe your boyfriend misses the drunk sex. He may not see the difference between drunk and sober, but I'd guess one is where you were wasted and completely not present and just a body up for whatever because you were out of your mind, or artificially into it, at least.

I couldn't imagine dating or having sex sober until I met a woman in recovery who was dealing with the same awkward weirdness that I was.

I don't have a lot of great advice, yeah, you could try giving each other massages or a bubble bath, but for me it is a deeper problem of being comfortable in my own skin and trying to love myself, which I don't very much.

I'd guess you quit drinking because it had become a significant problem in your life, and caused enough problems and pain that you decided to do a difficult thing like get sober. In my opinion, nothing can improve unless you stay sober. With some clean time, some recovery, and some support from other sober people, maybe you can heal and improve the things that you have numbed and covered up with alcohol for a while.

It won't be immediate, and your boyfriend may have to be patient, but I suspect it will be worth it in the long run.
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Old 07-08-2013, 06:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I am experiencing the flip flop of this. I have been sober over one year, my boyfriend has been sober three months.

He is no longer interested in sex.

And honestly it is not the sexual frustration that is getting to me, it's the feeling of rejection, of not being attractive/wanted, of not being able to get him interested (part of my ego), and fear of going the rest of my life without a physical relationship.

Sex is important in many relationships not just for the physical release, but as a means of communication, bonding, and affirmation.

This is very painful and I am having a hard time accepting it. I want to feel like a woman, and sex is part of that.
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Old 07-08-2013, 11:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Threshold,

I'm sorry, this is really crappy and I understand why you are so bothered by it. Maybe it is not important to him right now but I can tell it is really important to you, and hurts. I hope things will change, or you come to discuss this and work something out in time.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:35 PM   #5 (permalink)
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T-hold, that does suck.

Sad part is you went looking for this one.
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Old 09-04-2013, 09:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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My boyfriend has been sober for 6 days and barely touches me. Today he told me he wished he was horny so he could jerk off... Um, hello? What about being horny so we could have sex. I can get him hard, but unless I do 95% he wont have sex.

He is recovering from opiates, is this normal? Anyone really know.
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Old 09-04-2013, 10:06 PM   #7 (permalink)
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6 days? Sheesh, cut your boyfriend some slack. Recovery is a long road and feeling non-sexual for the first several months is par for the course.

Be careful what you are asking of him. Many addicts are only used to drunk/high sex and pushing for sex before he is ready is potentially asking for a relapse.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.
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Old 09-04-2013, 10:11 PM   #8 (permalink)

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Sounds like the boyfriend needs to be cutting her some slack! Not the other way around. *eyeroll*
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Old 09-04-2013, 10:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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We didn't have sex when he was high. I wouldn't.
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Old 09-08-2013, 08:33 PM   #10 (permalink)

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In order for an addict to stay clean they have to put recovery 1st.
This means that anything else, family, you, kids, work, sex, illness, your feelings, your needs, your wishes, your desires comes 2nd to recovery. This is not meant to sound harsh but rather to put things in perspective. The fact that recovery comes before sex is actually a sign they are doing what they should be. A silver lining if you will.
Trying 2 live, been with husband for 11 years now, didn't develop addiction until 2008 been in recovery since 2011 and I do 99.9% of the work sexually, where as before I didn't have to. I don't think people are ever the same after H addiction.
Sometimes I feel angry and resentful but I also enjoy the fact that while sex isn't as exciting as it used to be, sometimes it's more romantic. We kiss more and it's always slower and lasts longer.
And for julien, if he cant accept this POSITIVE change in you and accept the setbacks then he's never going to be a good partner while you're in recovery. We grieve the loss of the person who was there before the addiction. We grieve the loss of the relationship we used to have, but in time accept the positive changes with the minor set backs. Maybe start out slowly. Have you thought about having sex even though you don't feel like it. You might get into after a while. I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do. But sometimes (and i'm not an addict) I don't feel like it and after we get started I end up really enjoying it. And if you really don't want to, what about just making out, or holding each other, or even taking a shower together. It may make him feel closer to you and it also might put you in the mood for sex. win/win!
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Old 10-02-2013, 02:49 PM   #11 (permalink)

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The first year of recovery has been described to me as the 7th circle of hell. Sex is important and amazing and and and ........ but:
your relationship can not come first, recovery must be first. I hear from older AA/Alanon couples that "this to shall pass" - " let go of expectations" -
If you want to stay with your recovering partner - try working your own program. there can be intimacy in going through these changes together.
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