Intimacy issues with a recovering alcoholic/substance abuser

Old 05-28-2013, 04:30 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
lovejava's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 66
Oh and I meant to say that if you have sexual problems in the beginning, you may be looking at them forever. Go into a relationship realizing that you probably will not be able to change their nature, their sexual drive, intimacy issues, etc. You can take a chance on that, but know that it's not likely to happen and the more you get in it, the more likely you are putting yourself in a position to be hurt and may look back and wish you'd paid attention to the signs that were clear as day from the beginning.
lovejava is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lovejava For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 05-28-2013, 03:49 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
I know I love the guy I am talking about and am trying to understand what he is dealing with even though I never have had to deal with those issues. Deep down i know he loves me but right know not willing afraid or afraid of how is past can affect his feelings in the future. He has very deep rooted issues which will always effect his life. I am willing to be there for him in the good and bad. If it is meant for us to be together everything will fall in place, All I know he was put in my life for a reason and i have to wait and see what that reason is. Like that song God gave me you. I just to find a way to tell him this without scarring him off.
newsunflower is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to newsunflower For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 05-30-2013, 03:58 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
I meet a great guy about 4 yrs ago we hit it off really well started seeing each other alot went to lunch everyday did stuff on weekends. We kept things on a friend ship level. a year ago he moved in with me as a housemate. each our on rooms no sex hugs accationally thats it. we get along great at one point he started relapsing we had an agruement at that point he told me he loved me and how special I was to him.We kissed and only sleep together for the night (no sex) He worked through and was doing great. He did everything as a couple but we never seen other people. When i wrote him a letter asking him if there was a chance down the road that we might become more than friends he waited about a week to reply. I dont want to have sex until I am married but I want a relationship. we are both 40+ His replied was he cared about me and it wasnt because he didnt want me but when ever he had a sexaul relationship with someone it ruin everything. shortly after he relapsed and had to get help. he is now in a sober living house has a job and doing great. we still see each other reguarly and are still very close. His best friend told me the other day that he really loved me very much. Help I dont understand. I know everything about his past there was sexual abuse in his past. and from what I read that has reacurring issues with it. Help me to understand whats going on?
newsunflower is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to newsunflower For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 08-09-2016, 04:39 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 5
Bee, it sounds like we have dated the same man haha. My ex said the same thing. After almost a year we had the same exact talks as you, almost literally. Im curious to see how it worked out for you. My guy couldn't open up and get the next step in our relationship. He couldn't get to the intimacy part for some reason. Said same stuff, thought I was his best friend, most normal easy going girl he's dated and that he didnt want to objectify me. its a shame because he was a great guy but never could open his heart completely to me for some reason.
pebbles02 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to pebbles02 For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 08-10-2016, 02:33 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
AnvilheadII's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,591
Hi pebbles02 - you are responding to a 3 year old thread, so it might be best if you could start a new thread and introduce yourself to us so you don't get overlooked!!!!

AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 09-11-2016, 10:43 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 1
You could have written my story!!!

Originally Posted by BEE2010 View Post
I had posted this in the wrong forum. Hopefully someone here can offer me some insight.

I have been dating a recovering alcoholic/substance abuser for a little over 1 year- he is 8 years sober.

Our relationship has been a very positive one thus far. He is open about his past- he attends meetings 4 times/week, even as we date and is very active in working his steps and being involved in the AA community. We are good at talking about our disagreements and hope to have a future together- as we have even discussed marriage and moving in together.

Recently, I noticed a change in our sex life. We went from having sex multiple times per week to now going weeks without sex. When I try to initiate it, he says he is tired or he just ignores my advances.

Last week we spoke about frequency of sex in order to be satisfied. We agreed that we both would like sex at least a few times per week. Two weeks later, nothing changed.

Yesterday, I brought up the subject again. I communicated that I need more physical intimacy in order to be satisfied and asked if anything was wrong and if he was attracted to me.

His answer had to do with addiction: He said that this isn't the first time this has been an issue in a relationship. He said that he doesn't know if it is because of his years of substance abuse and porn addiction. He said that he objectifies women, and that when they become "real" he loses interest. He mentioned perhaps seeing a therapist to deal with this- but tried to assure me that it wasn't me.

I have never been in a situation like this before. We are in a highly committed relationship and I have no doubt in my mind that we are monogamous. However, I am curious as to if anyone else has dealt with issues such as this as someone who has had this problem stemming from addiction or in a relationship with someone who feels this way.

I love him and can see us spending our lives together. However, no matter how connected we are and no matter how much we enjoy each others' company- physical intimacy is necessary to be fulfilled in all aspects of the relationship.

From time to time, I do a google search, trying to find ways to deal with the loneliness and heartache I feel in my marriage to an alcoholic/addicted husband. (One year clean and sober)
I stumbled across your post, and was shocked out how similar our situations are! I'm a young woman, in my 30's, who is absolutely STARVING for intimacy in my marriage.
The "good time charlie" I knew prior to marriage, was not what he seemed..... though I only learned this AFTER we had a baby together.
I. Am. Exhausted.
I bounce between too depressed to give a **** and hurt/angry/resentful. I'm trying so hard to give him the space he needs to recover, but the more I give, the more he takes....
I've resorted to popping pills to make it through the switch "off" some of the pain....
Things are not going well.
Wishing4 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Wishing4 For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 06-28-2017, 07:52 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
Is this normal??

My boyfriend and I have been tofether for almost 3 years and he has been sober for a month now and during that time we've only had sex once and it was for some reason really awkward for the both of us. Even before he got sober, i would say about 2 weeks before his sobriety, I noticed that the sex just stopped. I've brought up to him and he tells me that it's not me, he still finds me attractive and he is still in love with me but he just doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. I've tried making out with him, he likes intense kissing so i thought that would get him going, but he just pushes me away or just turns it into a little peck on the lips. I know there is no one else, There are even times that when I bring up the topic of not having sex that it just turns into an argument. He says he loves me, that there is no one else and that its not me but idk I still feel like its me. My self-esteem has gotten soo low. I feel like he doesn't find me attractive anymore
CaliGirl26 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to CaliGirl26 For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 06-30-2017, 02:03 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
Anna's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 53,298
Hi Caligirl, Welcome!

There could be many reasons for your boyfriend's lack of interest in having sex with you. Would you say that your sex life was normal in the years before he began recovery? It's understandable that your self-esteem is suffering. I would say that this is still very early recovery for him and this is a time of change. I think that suggesting he talk to his dr would be a good first step. And, ultimately, you will have to make the decision as to whether you want to live this way or not.
Anna is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Anna For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 07-12-2017, 03:40 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
CelticZebra's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 496
My husband have been clean for 5 years now, his behaviour is worse now, especially with intimacy and understanding emotions connected to sex and closeness. I think I am beng used as he has no one else in his life yet when we do become intimate it is still good and I am hugely attracted to him which makes it harder for me to stop wanting what we used tO ave . Btw I'm in my 4th year and use a program whereas he just stopped and I think he has become a dry drunk or has so many issues with his ex that he only seems dissatisfied with me or I do. Dysfunctional r us
CelticZebra is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to CelticZebra For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 12-08-2017, 04:26 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Wellington
Posts: 7
another issue at play.... the sober alcoholic, the co-dependent wife and the mistress addiction

Originally Posted by bat21 View Post
It has been over two years that I have worked on my relationship with a long-term sober man with very little intamacy and just about no physical contact. It's difficuly, lonely and confusing.
There is no physical reason...Testosterone is normal, he is physical fit as am I.
I have come to the conclusion that there is a great deal of codependency on my part (child of alcholic parents). I believe there is another issue in play as well. My partner is very active in AA. I think he has, over many years, become most comfortable with the "intamacy" he shares with the folks he associates with at AA.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that AA works for so many. I've watched how my boyfriend gets such emotional support from his association with the program ... and prefers it to a connection with me.
For me it's just not working and have decided to wish him well and move on with my life.
Dear Bat,
... I know your post is now in your past, but thank you for sharing.

I know all our stories are different, but how can I not identify with the pain, the confusion, the anguish, the hurt, and the love we feel for our special recovering sensitive alcoholics . WHAT a marvelous catch, so in touch with his feelings, no wonder i am so in love with him even after 26 years of marriage.

I try looking at reality with different lens to help me understand. Sometimes I view myself as co-dependent on a dry drunk. Where there three of us in this marriage??? the sober alcoholic, the co-dependent wife and the mistress addiction. If so,, then why was I acting like the erratic insecure ranting mistress crying at the dinner table " why don't you love me???".... maybe i had it all wrong.

He has been married to his sobriety longer than he has been married to me. He would go off with his big book, come to conclusions about our marriage,, without consulting me. I am sure they would consult, and agree if he wasn't happy ... then stop moaning, actions speak louder so.. " then he should leave her !!!"

We stayed married. He left the relationship four years ago, getting his emotional support and connection and love from AA friends. Last year we moved into separate homes. I have been hanging on, in full denial. The 12 steps maybe part of the journey back again. I give up, and surrender all my powerlessness and manipulation, and anguish to a higher power- greater than myself.
mermaid101 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to mermaid101 For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 02-17-2020, 02:08 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by onlythetruth View Post
Alcohol is not the only addiction in the world...sometimes, and very sadly, folks do get addicted to their recovery program. That may be better than being addicted to alcohol. Probably no one will die from being addicted to a program.'s still sad.
so what your saying is itís better to throw in the towel on a relationship that gave you financial security, many fun times, and a secure future for aa that as at best a 10% chance of succeeding is a better choice, what about work with both and if it doesnít work with aa there are many other options out there that even have a better success rate
Markdeterman1 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Markdeterman1 For This Useful Post:
tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 02-18-2020, 02:19 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
AnvilheadII's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,591
Mark, you picked a VERY old thread to start a discussion with and i fear you are arguing your point with ghosts.

perhaps you could start in one of the forums and introduce yourself a bit. i sense you are "mad" at AA, but i suspect it's really the addict and addiction itself that is causing grief in your life.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (02-19-2020), tomls (02-19-2020)
Old 02-19-2020, 04:30 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
tomls's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,180
I can tell you from experience that this is an issue with drugs and alcohol and the absence of drugs and alcohol. On one of my many failed attempts at sobriety I was at an AA meeting and an older guy was talking and he looked right at me and said he was having trouble with sex. I instantly knew exactly what he was talking about. I have experienced this many times myself. It doesn't mean I didn't love the person, I really don't know what it is. There was some porn involved in the past but not now. That was a drug and alcohol thing. Maybe a trained therapist could figure it out. To me it's an inner feeling that is uncomfortable. That could have created relapses in my past. I think I would start drinking or drugging to make myself want to crave sex. It does. I hope this helped someone somehow. Best wishes. Tom
tomls is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to tomls For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (02-19-2020)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:22 PM.