Breaking Up - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Special-Interest Groups > Relationships & Parenting In Sobriety
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 12-09-2006, 08:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 2

Breaking Up


Hi! I am new to the forum. So many questions and so many things I don't know. I have been dating X for about five months. X has been in AA for a month only. Recently, he told me that his sponsor spoke about his own recovery and is quite likely that his sponsor will want him to break up with me. X says he doesn't understand much but his sponsor says he should trust him. His sponsor had to break up with his girlfriend as prescribed by his own sponsor. Why are relationships not encouraged for AA? I am trying to be understanding because I know AA is really helping him. I love him and I want to be with him. Can anyone explain why his sponsor would ask him break up with me?
forjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2006, 09:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: pass the bon bons
Posts: 2,363
i'm not sure, i know some people believe that recovery is best accomplished when a person has a clean slate and no emotional complications...but my understanding (and i'm no expert) is that new relationships are discouraged in early recovery...i have never heard of anyone being encouraged to end an existing relationship...i hope it works out for you...and if your boyfriend is not comfortable with his sponsor's advice i'm sure he could find a new one...that is not usually a problem, after all it is his life and his recovery and he needs to do what's best for him...and, if he wants to be with you, in my opinion, we can't have too much love and support through this...just so long as you realise that unfortunately there is not much you can do to help him aside from be there...recovery is a very personal process and it is up to the person recovering to make the choices and changes that are necessary...(and i'm not at all referring to your relationship...i mean in his overall life)

i hope things work out for you, you are in my thoughts...
ayla zaire is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to ayla zaire For This Useful Post:
mysocalledlife (09-07-2014)
Old 12-10-2006, 07:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brandon man, canada
Posts: 258
Wow.You know when i went into treatment i found a sponser and he said the same thing and you know what i did it.I was going thru a seperation at the time.He told me to work on me first and that if i got a girlfriend and it didnt work out i would likely hit the bottle again.You know what he was right when i broke up with women in the past thats where i would head was for the bottle and drink hard and feel sorry for myself.But its up to you on what you do with the relationship its your choice and youors only..Good luck my friend..
dave is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2006, 07:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
miss communicat's Avatar
 

Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,059
Hi,

Ouch! His sponsor told him to end an existing relationship??

The only wisdom regarding relationships in early sobriety that I have knowledge of is: Don't start any the first year!

We are not supposed to give advice. we share our experience, strength, and hope.

Is it possible that your boyfriend misinterpreted his sponsor? Or that his sponsor ended a relationship that was most likely a drinking relationship, which may not be the case with yours?

Is it at all possible that your boyfriend just needs time to work on himself and doesnt know how else to ask for it so he is saying that his sponsor instructed him to end things with you?

I am soo sorry you are going through this difficukt period. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please let us know how it goes.
__________________
i close my eyes and see clearly
i stop trying to listen and hear truth
i am silent and my heart sings
i seek no contact and find union
i am still and move forward
i am gentle and need no strength
i am humble and remain whole

(ancient taoist meditation)
miss communicat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2006, 09:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,833
Welcome to SR ... we are glad you joined us.

Its my understanding that you are to make no major changes in the first year. That includes starting a relationship or ending one.

I do know that in the first year or so the whole focus has to be on their recovery and they cant let anything come inbetween that. When my ex stoped drinking I would have sworn he traded one addiction for another. He was so focused on his program to the point of selfishness.... but I told that is what they have to do. We ended up breaking up after the first month.

My only suggestion is that you focus on yourself. Living with an Alcoholic even a sober one is not the easiest thing to do. Not to mention that there is always the chance of them relapsing even 20 years down the road. You only have 5 months vested in this one, maybe some time out would be a healthy thing for both of you..... God works in ways we cant understand but if it was ment to be it will be .... taking some time away is not going to hurt it.

Stick around, read the stickies and post all you want, I look forward to getting to know you.
__________________
Cynay

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein
Cynay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-11-2006, 10:53 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
FJ:

Cynay's advice is right on the money. This is what I've been learning myself with my wife who is now "sober" for just over 100 days. She is so focussed on her recovery, attending AA regularly, and talking to her AA friends that there is little if anything left for me. It's rough but I suppose part of the package of living and loving an A in recovery.

I need to work on me and I'm trying. It's tough to get out of the old behavior when you've been with someone for so long (together 26 years, married 19, and she was actively drinking and drugging for over 7).

Letting go sounds easy but it's very hard. You want to help and support. The best way to do that is to get out of the way and get yourself healthy again.

As Cynay says, if it is meant to be it will.
steady14 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2006, 10:33 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 2
Thanks so much everyone. He hasn't brought it up since that one time. He is still trying to work with his sponsor. I guess he needs to figure out if this is the right sponsor for him first. Cynay - Thanks for your advice. I will keep what you said in mind. I have been told no major changes in the first year and we are taking it slow. Most of all, we are first friends.
BTW, is common to change sponsors for newbies?
forjohn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-14-2006, 02:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Cynay's Avatar
 

Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,833
Im not sure about common but changing sponsors happens often from what I understand.

Im currently looking for a sponsor it Im finding it hard to find someone that I feel the connection with. Sponsors are such a big part of you life, especially in the begining.... He probably wants the right one.
__________________
Cynay

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein
Cynay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2014, 01:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Newton NJ
Posts: 1
Question Sooo irritated, disappointed, feeling "cultlike"

This is my first post, but I'm responding to a bunch of posts on this subject. I have a bf..HAD...until our anniversary of 1 year last month. His PTSD and cancer/diabetic father is a mess, mother is anxiety and bi-polar or something clinical of that fashion, enabling and codependent on a brother of 37 years old living in their basement controlling all of them addicted to painkillers and testosterone/steroids. Boyfriend decided to quit his job to get a "contractor" job, he has anxiety every day, yet takes stacker pills every morning before getting into the car, fights with me and freaks yet calls me his rock. But apparently, one day, decides, he's breaking it off with me. Just me, everything else status quo. Because I come with too much pressure/resistance. He is in recovery for 11 years, wonderful, happy for him but his sponsor told him to dump me. His sponsor should not be giving out that kind of advice I'm sorry. BF thinks AA is his only need and he needs no therapy and that a sponsor (who can't handle his marriage and has two children who keep relapsing..) should be equipped to ruin our lives. Nice. I'm a little bitter and feeling like AA is very cultlike in that regard. I know the first and foremost importance is to ensure no drinking no matter what so I get that, but it seems that there is a blame everyone else take a cop out on life and keep pushing away from anything in real life that's real or a challenge if it gets to hard, dump it all and cleanse and rebirth. really??? disappointed. disgusted...help me feel like I can understand this anyone, please. I'm just trying to understand.



Quote:
Originally Posted by miss communicat View Post
Hi,

Ouch! His sponsor told him to end an existing relationship??

The only wisdom regarding relationships in early sobriety that I have knowledge of is: Don't start any the first year!

We are not supposed to give advice. we share our experience, strength, and hope.

Is it possible that your boyfriend misinterpreted his sponsor? Or that his sponsor ended a relationship that was most likely a drinking relationship, which may not be the case with yours?

Is it at all possible that your boyfriend just needs time to work on himself and doesnt know how else to ask for it so he is saying that his sponsor instructed him to end things with you?

I am soo sorry you are going through this difficukt period. I will keep you in my thoughts. Please let us know how it goes.
getoutnow1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2014, 02:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 217
Your situation with your bf was way longer than my relationship- but I recently reconnected with someone who was very special to me. He is in recovery for heroin. When we knew each other before it was before he ever used and addiction was not part of his story yet. I don't drink or do any drugs and everything was great until his sponsor advised to break it off with me which he did exactly a week ago today. It broke my heart and I haven't heard from him since. I also feel that it is not his sponsor, who is obviously also a recovering addict, to dictate what is best for him as far as his romantic endeavors are concerned. We live quite a good distance apart from each other, have been attending Nar-Anon regularly, and in no way enabled and gave him plenty of space in his recovery process. I too am quite hurt and pissed off about all this😒
smc92va is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2014, 02:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 217
I totally now understand the no relationships in the first year of recovery thing, I didn't know when we initially started seeing each other. And the relationship ending may truly be a blessing in disguise being that romantic partnerships with an addict/recovering addict is always a struggle, I just don't know why he didn't advise him not to start the relationship in the first place then?! Plus, I don't really think it's a sponsor's place to dictate matters of the heart-ever! Just my thoughts....
smc92va is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to smc92va For This Useful Post:
mysocalledlife (09-07-2014)
Old 10-29-2014, 11:18 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 18
Welcome!
I'll just say that if he can work it out without breaking up with you, well better for both of you. Good luck.
Yssa is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:20 PM.