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Old 03-18-2014, 02:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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quitting oxy even though prescribed for pain


here's my story, and i hope it supports others and it helps me to share.
i appreciate any encouragement from those who have succeeded as i am not all the way through.

it is a long and harrowing story, and will do best to keep it spare.
extreme child abuse. left home at 14. raised kids --they're amazing and grown and gone--ulcerative colitis, and then a bizarre, kind of bublical series of events--hit head on by drunk driver,,back injury..then biggest injury
groin/pelvic nerve damage rare: ilioinguinal/ genitofemoral etc. took 50 doctors to diagnose as inguinal hernia and by then i had broken hand, then foot--
all on left side, was in wheel chair, lost my work, house flooding, trapped in hurricane two days after hernia mesh placed--all these things combined to confuse brain nd body--with severe ptsd...best friend died, kids had moved away and belongings robbed after i vacatd the home i have not returned to in two years.

after beign on small doses of codiene nd suffering torture for mroe than a year, it was intractible pain at any dose...i gave in to doctor's suggestion and quickly went up over cousrse of year to 100 oxy a day. i was unable to sit and hardly could walk for three years.

i was paranoid, nearly psychotic, untreated, traped in my apartment, life shattered in every way.

one morning i walked down the hill and ended up in a meeting. aa.
athough had not had a drinking issue sinc ei was a kid, had onc ebeen a brutal drunk. my whole life used people or substances, fighting, fleeing,
or hiding and never comfortable being human.

the pwoer was out and it was dark in the room, sunrise, but people wer esittign there. for the firt time in three yers i sat and stayed put.

i began to use theprogram and steps along with the books of an amazing doctor about mind body syndrome--pain that is real and can be seen on mris as well as chronic pain causing illnesses like the ulcerative colitis which nearly kiled me--as well as a series of other illnesses, all being a kind of
learned brain pattern after a while, and in my case i beganto realize held in place by this convincing drug.

two months ago, without any alternate plan for pain management--and the pain i get is like a guys balls being twisted, like wires cutting and burnign and twisting inside, true inner torture..you feel MAIMED--

i got a 90 day coin, i have spoken at a trauma center to addicts and alcoholics with permanent brain injuries (one of the best gifts of my life)
and i go every morning. some days i truly hate it, most am grateful. i am lucky cursed/blessed that my lfie is so bare bones that i am in a kind of out patient rehab run by my higher power. i used to see myself with an instrument of torture sewn inside, and became so paranoid it fel tlike my higher poer was an alien and i was a marionette in some sadistic virtual reality game with no way out. there's a lot mroe to this story, but the point is i began a taper.

i msut tell myself...the pain came and went--seemed related to weather and many toehr triggers...while on high high doses of narcotics and now i am down to 25 mg!!! this is the hardet.

i had about 7 or 8 or more time of shking sweating terror, creepiness, etc.
but the hardest part was the pain i had used it for..the fear that iwould never be able to balance it all out...

i tried to get in rehabs but they would not take someone who was on the stuff for pain.

few in the program had done this if any as they said they would swallow anythign around to get high. yes gettign high had made thpain bearable but i want a full and useful life with all my heart. i have had mornigns where i wake not thinking of a pill and others where i am already imagining cutting them up and counting doses in my mind.

now that i am down so low there is resistance...not sure what to do but do my best to keep going. it is the fear that on day zero and beyond the pain will rise and defeat me...

as no doctor has ever helped out of fifty!!!

i walk several miles most days now. tell myself "I AM MAKING DOPAMINE." i imagine that the more oxy i took the more little pain recievrs sproted up, and just as you r need titrates up i am imagining the need goes down and with each level down i imagine those hungry mouthed receptors are closing down. giving my body and brain time to adjust. writing my body adn brain letters used to help! (hehehe it's true) i have even had to go to bed hugging a stuffed animal after my kitty died!

but rather than feel a true victima nd sorry for myself i shift to the joy of how it will be when i can share the great news to others that they too will walk and sit and laugh again and they too can get off drugs even if prescribed for pain. there is as you know not much about this but it can be done.

i think walking, water, notes to oneself when feeling well between going down, to remidn yourself that you will feel better in three or four days,
not staying too long or too short at a certain level, acknowledgement of anythign that rises--strong feelings, sensatins reactions, and above all the truth--yes this is your life right now but also know anythign is possible and great thigns will come.

thsoe who suffer deeply and also feel caleld to give to the world, are given severe lessons, have tons of courage, but often view themselves as weak...

so i hope to go down to 22.5..lower lower...

using low doses valium 1 mg at a time on bad days...msotly focusing on doign what i can even if its jsut doing the dishes, but keep a request jar and a gratitude/demonstration jar, to prove to myself that this 12 step thing, and higher pwoer really works, nd that my desires are worthwhile.

thanks for lsitening and lettingme be here. good luck to all who aim to improve. my prayers are with you and we heal together!
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Old 03-18-2014, 08:36 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hello makeaworld, and welcome to our corner of recovery.

I hope you find support and encouragement here on SoberRecovery. I do not have personal experience with oxy, so I cannot share any experience. Instead I will welcome you and thank you for taking the time to share your story with us.

I have my own share of severe pain issues, and hearing a positive, hopeful story like yours helps me continue on my own journey. I have days when I truly do not want to get out of bed, it just plain hurts too much. The hope you have shared here is going in my list of reasons to get up and go face the pain just one more day.

Mike
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Old 03-18-2014, 08:50 PM   #3 (permalink)
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thanks mike!

i really appreciate that welcome!
i was jsut reading back some writings from three or even four years ago when the pain first came and it was unrelenting and intractible, nothing would touch it, and no one of course udnerstood and most humans fell away. you surely beleived yourelf in a situation no human had ever suffered before...in a kind of emergency state that msitakenly was not being treated. ater all the things you see on tv...people teams of them working round the clock to help ou...it was a "mysetery diagnosis" but also complciated. now i know millions of americans are in all kinds of severe pain, some more torturous than others. now i know, that i have a true story of recovery to tell as there was absoltuely no hope for me until i began a new appraoch. i learned and am still learning in slo motion--but rapidly compared to the years of torture with no hope--that there is another way, antoehr approach. and it is not some cultish thing. all i know is that "setting out" decidding to walk and increase that and continue if i could, even with cane and S.I. belt in excruciating pain in the winter....i now walk miles...but that was not the cure...i had once thrown the heal your back book m john sarno across the room, and even spoken to sarno himself...but one of his patients wrote a book...so tired of reading about my syndrome on line and all the people inpain and dispair, many suicidal...i began to search for those who had healed, and came again to the mind body sndrome approach...i tied this together with rsd, which i had also been diagnosed with, and began to udnerstand bioloigically--as i had studied this for so many years, and learned so much about pain pathwys, and nerves, etc...--and it began to make sense--my story is not yours, but certain thigns began to click...and i am telling you the people who know me in my town are astonished...msot thought i would not live...the pain is not "in our minds" we can see reasons on mris...well sorry for rambling...but this is the approach that made the difference..not sure if i am allowed to mention names or sources...but even that wasn't enough...walking down the hill to a 1 step meeting was a huge part...and also, for me, connectingthe word "trauma" to what i was goign through...i began to realize i wasn't losing m mind--extreme painalone canmakeyou shell shocked and isolated...

all i can say is absoltuely do not give up hope, absoltuely keep going, absoltuely condict expereiments, and learn what brings you msot ease...and shifting to what engages you...and allowing your true self and true heart to speak...
i am positive you will see PROGRESS. set goals , keep going, and if you can turn to a higher pwoer, speak your own truth and own prayers, and feel mine now! we will riose! the amount of suffering is equal to the compassion you will elarn and the light you may become i am certain!
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Old 10-05-2014, 04:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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First time posting. I started pain medication as most did for pain. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue 10 years ago. Started on vicoden, percs, then oxys 5 years ago. After 2 years of telling my doctor I wanted to get off he finally dropped me with a 30 day letter after 9 years. I went to a pan management doctor they started tapering for three months.
Then I learned my brother was in end stage liver failure. I checked into a rehab and 10 days later I was with my brother. He passed away 3 weeks later. While I was with him I was able to feed him, change his diaper, laugh before he got so sick.
Now I cant function. My ears are ringing. I feel lie I am n fire and haven't gotten out of he bed for 6 weeks. I thought the detox was it. It was horrible. No sleep for 12 days the pain, I am sure you can fill in the rest,
Now I am scared that this is my life. I read that you ruin your dopamine receptors. Is that true? Does I get better? It has been 45 days.

Last edited by fibrohell; 10-05-2014 at 04:29 PM. Reason: 75 days
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Old 10-07-2014, 10:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hello fibro, and welcome to SoberRecovery

You ask if it gets better. I cannot give you a medical answer because I am not a doctor. I can tell you that it has gotten better for me. You mentioned that you were diagnosed 10 years ago and had the same doctor for 9 years. My first suggestion is to shop around and find a new doctor now that you are detoxed.

There has been a _lot_ of new medications and techniques discovered in the last 10 years. There are medications called "preventive" that do wonders for neurological pain. Depakote works for me, and there are other meds in the same class.

The most important thing I have learned in my own "journey" through chronic pain is to never give up. Ok, some days I just crawl under the covers and give up for the day. But the next day I start over.

Take a little time to browse thru the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information there.

Welcome again.

Mike
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