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Old 06-22-2011, 07:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Not sure if this is the right board to post.


Hello everyone, this is my first post and I am not really sure if this is the right board to post but maybe some of you could point me in the right direction or possibly give me some insight or understanding. I will probably ramble some as my thoughts go from one extreme to another. My husband has been in pain management for about 8 years now and he has had 4 back operations and 2 total knee replacements. He hurt his back many years ago and I have seen my vibrant, outgoing, fun loving husband basically turn into a shell of his former self. He just had his last back surgery a few weeks ago. Anyway, I know that he is in pain and sometimes I do not understand how much pain but I do know that my husband has a problem with his pain meds. I don't know how much of his pain is mental or physical because he has been on such strong meds for so long, I donít even think that he knows what his true pain level is as it has been masked for so many years. I have seen him abuse his pills. I have seen him from time to time nodding off, being stoned, looking into his glassy glazy eyes, all the terrible things that no wife really wants to see and of course I have argued, yelled, cried, screamed, you name it about his abuse of the pills. I am totally codependent and I know that I have to change my behavior and that I cannot change his and I cannot fix this.

I typically hold his meds as he will run out by the end of the month. We have argued because he will come to me some of the days of the month for just one more pill and says he will make up for it at the end of the month by taking less, it is a vicious cycle. My hope and prayer is that this last operation worked and he is able to come off of the pills, which he says he will be off of by the end of the year but of course, I have heard this song and dance before only to be disappointed again.

I am writing here today because I am just so darn frustrated because he does not see that he has a problem. He just says that I don't understand what it is like to live in pain every day and that I cannot understand as I don't walk in his shoes. He claims he does not have a problem and that he is going to get off of the pills, blah blah blah. So he went to pain mgmt. the other day and not only did the doctor give him his regular prescription for fentanyl, morphine & lyrica, but he also gave him an additional script for Oxys because the oral fentanyl he has been taking for a few years was not supposed to be covered by his insurance anymore so in case his insurance would not cover it at the pharmacy, he gave him Oxy's right there in the office just in case. The fentanyl is filled by the pharmacy but the doctor gives him his other pills right there in the office. So now not only does he have his regular stuff he has Oxy's. He claims that he will hold on to them until next month when he sees the doctor because most likely the insurance co. will not cover his fentanyl next month and he will have to start taking the Oxys. instead.

Normally he gives me all of his pills to dish out every day and when he handed me the bag of meds some of the oxy's were missing so of course an argument started, and of course, no one really won the argument as there is no arguing with someone who is obviously under the influence, as he had the glassy, glazy look and it was obvious that he had already taken something extra as soon as he got it filled. So I just walked away with the medicine bag that he gave me and just gave up arguing for the night. He of course just went outside to smoke a cigarette (he does not smoke in the house) and proceeded to nod off in the chair outside and then came into the house about 2 hours later and passed out in the bed.

Gosh I know that I am rambling. I am at work right now falling to pieces, trying to put on my fake brave face that everything is fine but inside I am dying. I know that my marriage is in deep trouble after 25 years and I don't know how much more I can take. I am afraid for my husband, we have had numerous fights and discussions over the last 8 years about his pain pills and how it is destroying our lives. I don't want to see my husband in pain but I also don't want to see him stoned. How can there be a balance, I donít know. It is not a daily occurrence, it comes in cycles, he will be fine for a week or two taking the pills as prescribed and then he will have a day or two where it is obvious that he took more than he should, he claims it is no different than going out with the guys and having a few beers every so often (yeah right). Anyway I had to put some of my thoughts down as I don't really know what to do or where to turn at this point. Thanks for listening to the codependent wife.
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Old 06-22-2011, 07:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. I suggest you post this in our Friends & Family forum. It gets more traffic than this one. Here's a link:

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Please feel free to post as often as you like and also do a lot of reading, especially the "stickie" posts at the top of the linked forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there. Again, welcome to SR! So happy you found us!
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi PPA:

I was behaving just like your husband is doing. I haven't had back surgery, but I had both knees replaced in 2009 within 4 months of each other.

He is addicted, he is displaying addictive behavior, and you haven't told his pain clinic?

Look, the last thing I would have wanted last year while I was deep into addiction would be my husband messing with my pills. But if he had, I think I would have quit taking them sooner.

I took increasingly high doses of opiates while fooling myself that I was in more pain than anyone else could appreciate, and I deserved to have "my" pills. Unfortunately, the opiates stop working at the "normal" doses, and you have to take more and more to get the same effect. I know all about "stealing from myself" and then running out too soon.

Your husband has just been bestowed a "windfall" of drug, and he is going to take full advantage of it. He could stop breathing and die during one of these episodes, if you didn't already know that. His doctor is being irresponsible, but your husband is probably VERY persuasive.

I forced my husband into codependency. He didn't have to participate, but we've been married a LONG time, and he didn't know what else to do. He didn't want me to be in pain, and I lied and he believed me when I told him I was tapering off. I finally quit when I became so toxic I was risking my own death every night when I slept.

Look, he's past the point postoperatively where this level of pain medication is "normally" needed. The surgeons don't deal with it any more at this point, and the pain clinic docs often don't care. That shocked me when I was addicted, the docs who just didn't seem to care about that. It is easier for most of them not to. That's a whole other argument.

If you are going to be a participant in this "dosing schedule", I might suggest that YOU only hold enough pills for him for one day at a time. That way, when he is out, so are you. You CAN'T help him get more. Don't tell him where you are keeping his drugs, but keep them off the premises. Keep them in a bank safe deposit box if you have to, and use more than one place if you need to. Or someone else's home. Anywhere but where he and you can get at them.

I've said it so many times here that I think I become irritating to some other posters, but ACCESS is the ONLY way to get him off these pills. He can't take what he doesn't have, and you can't give him what isn't on you.

This guy desperately needs help. Even though I say I would have stopped earlier if my husband had stepped in (I was addicted 2 years), I can say that with a smile now, but I would have screamed like crazy at the time. But someone has to stop him before he kills himself with pills, and if that doesn't happen, how many more years do you want to live in fear like this? He won't stop by the end of the year, believe me. He doesn't even think this is a problem, so why should he? All he has to do is be convincing to the docs, and he has that down.

Good luck.

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Old 06-22-2011, 08:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you failed taper. I am so codependent it sucks. I have been with my husband for 25 years and the last 8 years with his injury have been hell. I don't know how he is going to balance the pain with the pills without abusing them. Like I told his pain mgmt doctor some time ago, this is nothing more than a managed addiction and my husband does not see the pink elephant sitting in the middle of the room because his pain receptors are so screwed up from years of pain pills. I came here today because I am just trying to pull my head out of the sand.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Have you tried something like Al Anon? I know that NA has Nar Anon but there just seems to be more Al Anon meeting available in most areas.

I was only forced to get help when I stopped breathing and my children had to go get help (my husband was not home).

I'm glad you are here.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi PPA,

My husband knew nothing about addiction other than what happened to me, his wife. The addict truly believes they need their drugs. I mean, truly believes it.

The best thing you can do is educate yourself about it. Addiction is painful for the addict, and stopping something that makes you feel better is nearly impossible to do for some. It is not easy at all, even if you WANT to do it. It won't be easy to convince your husband to moderate his drugs. It may not even be possible.

My suggestion would be that you BOTH sit down with the pain clinic doctor and discuss this. Some pain doctors like to consider opiates on a par with blood pressure pills or other medications to treat an "illness", but addiction is far more tricky. You might want to get your own consultation, all by yourself, with an addiction specialist, where you can talk freely without your husband interjecting his feelings.

There is a lot going on in pain management right now, with a big focus on the problem that addiction has become as a result of mismanagement. There are journals devoted just to pain management, and the FDA is not successfully containing this "epidemic".

Opiates can truly ruin people's lives. It is so much easier for me to understand this now that I am not in active addiction to opiates.

There are strict guidelines that have been set up for opioid use in non-cancer pain. You might want to Google some of the articles, some of which are quite readable and easy to understand if you are not a doctor or nurse.

Hey, this is no way for him to live, and you are in fear all the time. I am happy to share medical journal resources for anyone who wants to read more about this HUGE problem in our society.

One thing I can tell you is that I have a WHOLE new respect for the seriousness of addiction after it affected ME.

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Old 06-22-2011, 08:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Exactly Failed Taper. My husband can spot it a mile away now. He himself suffers from some back issues and when we moved here he obviously had to find a new physician and they were so ready to prescribe opiates. He of course turned them down and the Dr. was almost shocked. They are available to him for urgent need but his regular pain management doesn't involve any opiates.

It's amazing how common the abuse of pain medication is and unfortunate that more doctors don't understand about addiction. I know that my physician just knows I won't take narcotics for any reason and that I'm in recovery. Often he has to do a little research if we seem to be run into a condition that could be painful for some time to find alternatives. Luckily he seems willing to work with it.

Don't get me wrong, there are legitimate reasons for narcotics in pain management and I understand that and fully support the use of them in those situations.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Any advice is appreciated

Thank you both very much. This is really my first time posting any where and I appreciate any insight or advice that is given. I am just trying to grow a back bone and educate myself and I know that I need to change myself, stop my codependency as he will never really wake up. I am just afraid of the unknown but like you said living in fear is no way to live and I guess I have to put on my big girl panties on and face the fact that my husband is addicted and I am contributing to the problem and it may well come to us getting a divorce which is where the subject between my husband always leads when we talk about the elephant sitting in the middle of the room.

They are taking him off of the fentanyl in the next month or so because the insurance will no longer cover it as it was originally only supposed to be for cancer treatment but his pain mgmt. doctor put him on it about 3 years ago because he had become morphine tolerant. In all honesty I know that his back is really screwed up and from his own surgeon's mouth he told me he would most likely be on some form of pain medicine for the rest of his life. They at one time had talked about putting a morphine pain pump in his back, but I just donít know anymore how he will be able to balance the pain and take meds as prescribed.

The fentanyl never really scared me (I know it should have) but the oxy's totally scare me and I also think the one pill that screws him up (makes him nod) the most is Xanax, he has been on xanax also for many years for PTSD that he suffers from being in Vietnam. So he is just a walking drug store. He does have many good days and weeks where he is his old self and professes that he will get off of the pills but then it goes right back in the cycle.

Thank you again for any advice and I am trying to read as much as I can to educate myself. Thanks for listening to me vent.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Get ready for:

"You WANT me to be in pain!" "You don't UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in pain all the time!" "All you care about is YOURSELF!" "You don't LOVE me!" "You would rather see me in PAIN just so YOU can be happy!" "You don't CARE that I am suffering!"

I could go on and on. Those are ALL phrases that I used, over and over again. The addict is VERY GOOD at pushing your sympathy buttons and turning the situation around so that it is no longer about THEM, but about YOU.

I imagine you have already heard those things, and then some.

Just try not to take it personally. He doesn't really believe those things, but they WORK to get what he wants. Which is you, COMPLICIT.

You truly need help now as much as he does. Most of the recovery clinics have a co-dependency section that is just for the family members who have to deal with this, and AA and NA have those things, too. It would be really important for you to seek some of these things out for yourself, because if you are REALLY SERIOUS about helping your husband get off drugs, or at least into a reasonable pain management situation, you need to have the necessary tools to do that.

I know. I have been the "addict brain" talking, and it is one tough nut to crack.

FT
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Yeah Failedtaper, I have heard every excuse in the book. I know I need help, I am just as mentally sick as he is. That is why I am here today trying to take the first step and I know it is not going to be an easy road to travel but my life has been crap for a few years now due to his pain pills. I was and still am praying that this last operation helps ease his pain some but only time will tell and only he can change and I guess I am coming to the realization that my marriage may end in divorce, which is really sad but I do see it coming and have not wanted to face it. My sisters keep telling me that they don't know how I put up with him and I don't really know why I deal with it either, I guess some screwed since of love and I guess when I said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health I took those vows very seriously but I am not sure any more if I can live like this. Allís I can do at this point is pray. He was doing so well after the surgery the last few weeks, that was up until he went to pain mgmt. and got his refills. I guess only time will tell. Thanks for listening to me vent.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:29 AM   #11 (permalink)
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It's okay to vent, and that is why this forum is here.

Just remember one thing when you have hopes for the additional surgery to have helped -- addicts often "look forward" to additional surgeries, knowing it will perpetuate their pain medications. I would never have believed that if it didn't happen to me. The addict often develops a comfort level with their pain, and actually welcome additional pain, just to stay addicted. Probably many, or even most, addicts will deny that. I would have. To me, my pain was the most important thing in my life -- partly because it had become central, and you get accustomed to it as a way of life, and partly because I didn't want it to end my pain medication regimen. Addicts LIKE their pain medication, and the pain validates them.

It's a sick cycle. But it is often a very strong one. So don't expect the recent surgery to have helped. Despite what he tells himself, he probably wants to hang on to at least some of the pain.

Having said all that, I fully support the use of pain medications for people who are under medical management and who are using them as prescribed. My comments refer ONLY to aberrant medication abuse, and really, only a physician can decide along with the patient what kind of pain medication is really appropriate.

So, please, I do not intend to offend anyone here. Certainly not everyone who uses opiates is demonstrating the kind of aberrant behavior the pain journals describe as addictive behaviors.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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That is my fear. Like I told him you have had 4 back surgeries and I am thinking what makes this one any different than the other 3. He tells me this is his last one, that he will not have another back surgery. But all I have seen in the last 8 years is him having to take more and more pills and the pain just becoming worse and worse. It is a terrible cycle and I am wondering really how much pain is he really in.

My nephew who has a bad back and was addicted to opoids until his mother sent him to rehab told me that the pain pills really made his pain worse, that he did not really realize it until he was off of all the pills for over a year. I have had many discussions with my husband about how long term use of opoids can really intensify the pain but again, some moments he will listen but mostly it is like talking to a brick wall.

The thing that stinks is that after surgery he was talking his regular prescribed stuff which in itself is enough to knock out a horse and they gave him those darn oxyís to help him recover from the surgery, well when I got him home I told him in a few days that the Oxyís were all gone and I actually threw away about 30 oxys and he was doing just fine taking his regular fentanyl, morphine & lyrica. When he takes those as prescribed he seems to do well and is not nodding, etc. But now that he has the oxyís again in addition to all the other crap, I just donít know how this is all going to work. I do know it is going to be a struggle for him to get off of all the crap they have him on but those damn oxyís really scare me.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The oxys SHOULD scare you. A friend of mine in 2007 had a bad back, and she had oxycontin for "breakthrough pain". One night, she had an argument with her son, which flared up her pain. Her son found her dead the next morning from a combination of oxycontin and Xanax dose, which the autopsy showed later that her blood levels were 10x the therapeutic dose. She had lots of plans and did not intend to die.

So, please BE afraid. Be very afraid. His "addict brain" is not a rational entity.

Yes, the opiates CAN make the pain actually worse. I had it explained to me by my pain specialist as a kind of "rebound" effect. Your pain receptors are mixed up with all the drugs, together with real and imagined pain. ("Don't tell ME I am imagining things!") When you deprive the receptors of the drug, which happens as the next dose is "due", the receptors scream louder than they would normally, and so the pain is experienced as more intense than it would if you weren't on the drugs.

It is a horrible cycle.

Just remember also, he won't be able to reason like a rational person as long as he is on opiates. He can't. It isn't even his fault, really. You've got a tough task ahead of you, but I hope you take some of what I and the other posters have said, and use it to protect yourself and your husband from further harm. He doesn't even realize how much better his life would be if he weren't addicted to opiates.

Depression often accompanies withdrawal, so I'm glad he's already seeing a psychiatrist. He will need his whole team, including you, to get him out of this mess.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Believe me I am trying to be there for him, I think I have stood by him way longer than I really should have but I know that this is not his fault, his injury was not his fault. My sister keeps telling me that I should just hand over all his pills and tell him that he needs to take control of them, and let the chips fall where they may but I am too fearful of what will happen if I hand them all over to him to control. I am glad that he gives them to me to control even though we argue over them a few times a month because of him wanting an extra pill. He does however hold his own Xanax, that is one pill that he will never hand over to me because of his anxiety. But I can say that he always has plenty of them because he does not take them like the bottle says 3 times a day. He just takes them as needed so he always has plenty of those and I wish he would hand those over too because they seem to make him nod and act stupid the most. But of course I am sure it is a combination of everything that he is on, which is a lot of stuff. I Just donít know what I should do. Am I just preventing him from finding his bottom by me having some sort of control over most of his medicines?
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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That would be a really good question to ask in a family conference with the pain specialist.

I am always telling addicts on this site that they should get someone else to hold their pills. What did he do when he had control of a bunch of extra oxys? He took them all, or at least more than he was supposed to. They were supposed to be "extra" for next month, not more to take right now because it feels good.

I see this as a really volatile situation. I think the doctors should be driving, and you should do what the doctors recommend. Some docs are reluctant to get into this kind of "micro management", but you are in a helpless position where you sit right now. A lot is being asked of you that you want to either have control over or not. And right now it sounds like a struggle.

Again, I think you need to enlist the help of the co-dependency counselors that the recovery centers and NA have available. It is imperative that you don't try to do this alone, which is what it sounds like you are trying to do. I think you will experience tremendous relief if you have someone else, a doc or counselor, directing your actions.
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:14 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Hello there PPA, and welcome to SoberRecovery

I am truly sorry you are going thru such hardships. My wife of 20 years became addicted to pain pills after a bad time with chemo. Our marriage did not survive that. However, many marriages do survive addiction. You have received some excellent suggestions already so I won't repeat them.

My own contribution is that I was once addicted to alcohol. It's been a long time but the disease is not cured by abstinence, it just goes into "remission". I have what is called an "addictive personality", which means that _any_ kind of addictive substance is dangerous for me.

I also have two terminal diseases of the nervous system. They are both extremely painful and require constant management by a team of doctors. Without meds in the right amounts my body would go into convulsions and I would die. With the meds I am able to manage a desk job and I am free of the intense pain caused by these diseases. I do suffer from some pain still, and I take pain medication from time to time as prescribed.

As others have mentioned there is all kinds of medical information available for the handling of pain medication in the "addictive" patient, such as me. To begin medication is given in very small amounts, usually only a few days at a time. It is kept by a clinic, never by a family member. At first patients are required to take frequent drug tests, but with time those tests are less frequent and eventually stop.

I keep a _complete_ log of every medication I take. Even aspirin. The time, dosage and reason why I took it. My docs go over it with me, as does my sponsor. Every couple of years they "rotate" me to a different set of medications just to be safe and not create some kind of tolerance. My employer knows about my condition and my medications, as does the nurse at the work site.

Please take a little time to browse thru the stories in this forum, as well as in the "Friends and Families" forum. It is _not_ your fault that your husband is addicted to pain pills, nor are you lacking in "back bone". Nobody is born with the expertise needed to handle addiction, that's why there are hospitals and therapists and huge world-wide organizations like al-anon and CODA and nar-anon and hundreds of websites like this one.

It is _not_ your fault. You are simply mis-informed. Once you educate yourself about addiction and explore your options it will all become much easier to understand.

Please continue to post whatever questions you may have. The whole purpose of Sober Recovery is to provide answers and examples.

Welcome again.

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Old 06-22-2011, 08:00 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Desert_Eyes is very wise and I know I appreciate the information he just posted.
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Old 06-23-2011, 07:49 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you Deserteyes, Failedtaper & Latte

Hello, I am doing a we bit better this morning, and I truly appreciate everyone's comments. I know this is not going to be an easy fix or a problem that is going to go away overnight and I canít keep thinking that this is going to go away. Thank you for your kind words Deserteyes, it almost made me want to cry and I need to stop crying. I know it is not my fault but I do feel that I am contributing to the problem by not being honest with myself and outing him to his pain mgmt. doctor. My fear is that if I come out and tell his dirty little secret that he is stoned a couple of times a month to his pain mgmt. doctor, that we will definitely end up divorced, as he has told me that if I run my mouth to his doctors that it will be the end of our marriage. Am I just being selfish by not ratting on him because I donít want to face the fact that maybe our marriage is doomed to begin with?

I do not like his threats and I seriously think that it would be the end of or marriage and that I would have to pack my stuff and leave the house. Although, really what kind of marriage do I have at this point, living in fear? The reason I say that I need to grow a backbone is to basically say well, enough is enough, I donít want to see you kill yourself or see you sitting around stoned anymore and I am going to tell your doctor and let the chips fall where they may. I feel I am just being selfish for having those thoughts. It is really hard for me to try and get to the point to where I say enough is enough and you may hate me for outing your secret but I have to do this in order to save your life even though I know full well that it will be the demise of our marriage. That is the thoughts that are going through my mind at this point.

My fear also is that if I say anything pain mgmt. will cut him off high and dry. I saw that happen to my nephew when my sister outed her son to his doctor. They would not see him at all, would not even talk to her on the phone when he started having serious withdrawals, just dismissed him like he was a piece of crap, and my sister had no where to turn other than have him admitted to the hospital after he tried to commit suicide. That is not fair to someone who I know is obviously in pain and has a legitimate health condition, but am I just making excuses now? These are the thoughts that I am working through in my head.

Anyway I went home last night and had a small discussion with my husband and he has again promised that I will not see a repeat of him nodding like I did the other day. He claims that next month when he goes to pain mgmt. that he is going to tell his doctor to start weaning him off. He said that I need to cut him some slack as he did just have his back operated on 2 weeks ago and that I am being unrealistic. He claims that if I give him a few weeks to heal that he is going to start decreasing the doses himself and that we will see at the end of the month when he has pills left instead of them all being gone. Am I being unsympathetic and unrealistic as he did just have back surgery only 2 weeks ago, am I being too hard on him at this point? I donít know. Sorry rambling again.

Well I have vented enough for this morning, and I really appreciate everyoneís advice and comments. I am glad I found this board as it is really nice to put my thoughts down on paper to see where my mind is at. Thank you all. God Bless.
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Smile123 (06-23-2011)
Old 06-23-2011, 08:08 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Hi PPA,

Since it is just 2 weeks since his surgery, and he clearly does have medical issues, this is actually a very good time to be addressing these things with him. Before you see a repeat of past events, and not after the problem worsens.

The likelihood of an addict self-regulating their drug works only on the very short term in most cases, in those occasional spurts of "I'm going to quit" that most of us have gone through. Then the reality of feeling like crap sets in when even a tiny dent is made in the dose, it isn't tolerable to the addict, and since they are still in control the dose goes back up. It is a vicious cycle.

Everything said above about getting yourself some help still applies, because you have a long history of what works and what does not, and that isn't likely to change either.

The thing about disclosing his behavior to the docs should NEVER come up as part of an argument. Then it becomes just that -- an argument. The threat never materializes because you fear what he will do. Do you really think this man has the wherewithall to put a divorce together? Likely not, but it stacks up into that list of fears that is tormenting you.

Any kind of counsel you get with his docs should be in the context of a personal meeting, should not be as a threat he knows about, and should be formalized face to face. I mean, get an appointment with a recovery specialist and make a realistic plan. On your own. Because he won't support it. Because he can't support it. He's too sick to expect him to do that. If you are wrong, and our advice here is wrong, you will find out.

Putting your thoughts on paper is powerful, as you have seen for yourself in how it helps you here.

While he might just rip it up, I would suggest sitting down and writing up a contract with him. Make a list of things you can no longer tolerate in his behavior, and be specific. Set some specific goals. Let him make changes if he will. Sign it and give him a copy, which as I said he may tear up. Then stick to the goals you set. One of them is probably going to be that you are not going to stand by and become his widow.

I understand that he will not cooperate with you, and he denies he is doing anything wrong. That is a "normal" "addict brain" response. Like I said, addicts are very protective of their condition, deny it exists, and will do most anything to perpetuate it. Until they either get so sick from the drugs they decide they've had enough, or they die from them.

You sound like a really strong woman who has been through a lot. I hope you make some calls today to recovery and addiction counselors. It can't hurt to find out what programs are out there for you. I wouldn't run it past him first, as he is in no condition to approve or deny you what you need, for yourself, to survive this.

FT
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Smile123 (06-23-2011)
Old 06-23-2011, 08:42 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Thanks failedtaper. Your post really hits home. In our discussion last night the fact came up that of course I am falling to pieces over this and he cannot stand to see me falling apart, blah blah blah, so of course I told him that I am going to go talk to someone about it and of course he objected because he is so damn "old school" and believes you should not go around airing your dirty laundry to strangers and my response was that if I don't get help learning how to deal with this and my emotions, that I am going to end up in the looney bin. I also pointed out that he goes to a psychiatrist for his PTSD, so why shouldnít I go talk to someone?

Of course I know that I say we both say all the wrong things at times in anger, so of course we argued for a few minutes over the fact that everyone already knows his dirty little secret, my family, his family, and his close personal friends so who cares if a stranger hears me venting about him if it makes me feel better and helps the situation!

He really does not want to admit that the drugs have a hold over him but then again there are moments were he does admit that he has taken an extra one here and there a couple of times a month (with the excuse of that I am being unsympathetic and that he is hurting really bad and that I donít understand what is like that he just needs pain relief). Also, he does not think that it is a big deal as he grew up in the 60's and was a big time partier back in the day. He actually sat there last night and said look for years all of my friends were addicted to different stuff and I was never hooked on anything, blah blah blah, and I said yeah but what about now, and of course he said ďBabe I am going to beat this thing, you need to have some faith in me, you need to believe in me and give me a chance to show you that I can get my back straight after it heals a few weeks, give me time to heal, cut me some slack.Ē Only time will tell. Thanks for listening.
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