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Old 08-29-2011, 11:10 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Hi Dessert & Coca. I am doing well, still working on the detachment part (lol), that is really a hard one, especially when you have been taking care of someone for so long, gosh he is so spoiled. I started spoiling him more than 25 years ago like a dummy when I was young & dumb (LOL), what the heck was I thinking? I told him the other day that he needs to be doing more stuff for himself that is not going to hurt his back but believe me he is kicking and screaming all the way like a big baby (LOL)! Baby steps every day.

Coca, hope you had a nice vacation and Desert hope you are feeling well!

Thanks for your prayers.
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:06 PM   #62 (permalink)
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PPA,
Yes you're right, baby steps is what it takes sometimes! I do quite a bit for my husband as well. I only work about 10 hours per week though. When I worked full time we really did split everything up fairly evenly...but it was still hard to get it all done. It's a big load to do it all yourself! I was laughing the other day at a magazine I was reading. It said if you want to get your husband to do something you have to positively reinforce them by saying "I appreciate you and understand you are stressed, but it would help me so much if you could pick the kids up from soccer..etc. etc." Then the next article was about getting your kids to do their homework "I appreciate that you worked extra hard in soccer today, however you have to complete your math before..etc." It was essentially the same article!ha I say hey whatever works!

Let us know how it's going. You'll be in my prayers!
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Old 09-14-2011, 10:38 AM   #63 (permalink)
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PPA,
Just wondering how you're doing
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Old 09-23-2011, 08:32 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Hi Coca: Everything has been okay lately. About the same. Husband is still struggling with his pill usage and "pain level." He did attempt to cut back on his morphine and after a few days he complained that his pain level was too high and had to add the one pill back in. Although my codependency has crept into play some lately, at night when I hand him his dosage (because I am at home) I take out one of his morphine pills and he never knows the difference and I don't hear him complaining any more than normal (so I definately know it is partly psychological dependency) but I have not said anything to him about taking the pill out when he is not aware of it (my bad). One good thing though, he has and I will pat him on the back for this one, cut back drastically on the xanax.

Anyway prior to me writing this message back, he came into the computer room and was standing over my shoulder as I was reading some posts and he asked me what I was reading and I actually took him to the beginning of my first post and I read it to him as well as some of the replies from you, Failed and Desert. He told me he was sorry for putting me through this for so long and he is going to try harder to get off of some of the meds. I told him he really needs to have that discussion with his pain management doctor. That is the first time I think that he has actually sat still and listened to what I had to say without becoming defensive. He did hot freak out or anything, he just gave me a hug and told me he is sorry. He did not read the whole line of posts, but I think it gave him an understanding of where my mind is at at times, and how much I struggle seeing what he is going through so it is a good thing.

Anyway, don't want to be a bummer, I am trying to find the good in life and looking for the positives as I am very blessed regardless.

Hope you are all doing well and feeling well! God Bless.
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Old 09-24-2011, 10:48 AM   #65 (permalink)
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PPA,

It's good to hear from you! I was afraid that his trying to cut back on the morphine on his own might not be successful. He very well could have been suffering from withdrawal symptoms that magnified the pain that he already has. I would imagine after being on morphine and fentanyl for a long period of time, the tapering process would be fairly complicated. They might even need to stair step him down onto less powerful narcotics. It's going to be tricky, but his doctor will be able to help him. The more he tries on his own and experiences that withdrawal/magnified pain, the more discouraged he's going to be on the reality of living with less pain meds. You've done all you can do and it's up to him to talk to his doctor.

I'm glad you read him your first post. I went back and looked at it and it was filled with emotion...fear, sadness and anger. I hope it resonated with him and I hope DesertEyes gave him some hope of leading an active life while dealing with chronic pain. Focusing on the good in life is so important to me too. Yes you are blessed and you deserve peace in your life. I think since your first post you have more peace and hope for yourself! I'll be praying for you and hoping things keep moving forward for you. Keep us updated. Whether the news is good or not so good, you have our support here!
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Old 09-24-2011, 06:48 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Hey there PPA, and thank you for that lovely update. I am so glad your hubby is trying to make progress, and that he responded to you with such kindness. I'm keeping you guys in my prayers.

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Old 08-17-2017, 09:15 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Sad Update

Hello everyone. It has been a few years since I posted. I just wanted to give an update on my husband as a warning to others who live with chronic pain, are in pain management and also suffer from addiction issues. I am sorry to say that my husband lost his battle to his addiction and passed last year from suicide. I know in my heart that he could no longer take the chronic pain that he was plagued with on a daily basis and he could no longer handle what the strong narcotics did to his mind, body and spirit. The medicine mentally broke him and mentally broke me as well. He fought a very hard battle for a long time. There were many struggles the last few years and various doctors and hospitals failed him when he asked for help, and in hindsight, I too failed him in ways, something that I will regret for the rest of my life. He struggled so much and fought so hard to get off of the meds, and at times he asked for help but the only thing the doctors and hospitals did was prescribe more meds, label him an addict and dismiss him. In the end he hated the meds. The last few years he said I will be off of the meds by the end of the year, you just watch. He was really trying hard last year. He lost over 50 pounds and wanted to start back to the pool for exercise but in the end I think he came to the realization that no matter how hard he tried, he would not be able to beat the pill demon that had such a hold over his life. He did taper himself down quite a bit off of his meds the last couple of years, with the assistance of his pain management doctor as he told her he was struggling, but after so many years of being on such high grade narcotics and how narcotics affect one’s mind, I think the back pain became too great and he lost all hope. It was a catch 22, he couldn't function without the meds, but he also couldn’t function and control the meds. I am just coming here as a wife who is utterly devastated and just so missing him. I don’t miss the chaos and turmoil of the last years, but I miss the essence of my husband, the man I fell in love with over 30 years ago, the guy with a heart of gold. He was a warrior in my mind. I do not fault my husband at all, he didn’t ask to have chronic back pain. I guess the reason I am coming her today is to just caution all of you who suffer with chronic pain about what can happen with narcotic pain meds. God Bless.
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Old 08-17-2017, 04:59 PM   #68 (permalink)
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I'm really sorry for your loss.
I don't think your husband would think you failed him .

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Old 08-18-2017, 07:39 AM   #69 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry for your loss, PPA1048.

Sending my prayers for healing.
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Old 08-18-2017, 07:52 AM   #70 (permalink)
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So very sorry for your loss. Sending you prayers for healing. I am wishing you the strength to carry on.
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Old 08-18-2017, 09:19 AM   #71 (permalink)
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I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs for you, and prayers for strength and comfort.
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Old 08-18-2017, 07:04 PM   #72 (permalink)
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PPA - It is obvious you were devoted to him, and I'm sure he knew that. Please don't fault yourself for something you were helpless to control. I agree with Dee - your husband wouldn't think you failed him - you were right there, going through it along with him. I am sure he'd never want you to be tormented by this the rest of your life. Please be kind to yourself. Prayers going up for you to be relieved of this pain.
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Old 09-28-2017, 09:19 PM   #73 (permalink)
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I'm so sorry for your loss and will be praying for you and for him. I truly believe you will be together again and he will be restored to the man you met 30 years ago - with no pain, anguish or struggle. He is free of these things now and would want you to take the best care of yourself. I too agree that he would never think you failed him. My husband will say that he has regrets about how he treated me in the throes of my struggling with medications and I am just incredulous. The fact that he STAYED and FOUGHT for me to get better is the greatest gift I've ever been given. I know your husband would say you gave him a great gift as well. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain.
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Old 10-15-2017, 04:42 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Oh, no. I am so sorry to hear this. I read your whole story and was shocked to read how it ended. My husband is in a very similar position, where he really tried to get off the pain meds but ended up substituting alcohol for most of them and that created its own parallel problem. He is at a rehab right now and they are managing his chronic pain but I know he must be going through a rough time and I feel so bad for him. I am so so sorry for your loss. You tried so hard, and so did he. I wish you all the peace in the world.
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Old 11-10-2017, 06:45 AM   #75 (permalink)
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Smile I am so disguised with myself!!

Hi there I am writing because I don’t know where else to turn. I’m 35 I have been with a man for 7 years who has been in recovery. He’s 31 years old, last year relapsed after being in recovery for 8 years. He has a autoimmune disease that causes him chronic pain & his symptoms are becoming worse as time goes by & he relapsed last year and since then he’s relapsed three times. It’s all due to the pain which I know is very real but, how does someone who is an addict handle chronic pain? I can’t be the first person who’s asking this question? I am struggling with the fact that I know he’s using and he’s not telling me. I don’t care that he’s not telling me at this point I only want to know if he’s alive! I am sure I would’ve received a call though. Anyway, I have a 9-year-old son who loves & looks up to him. When do I say enough is enough!! I am constantly thinking how completely selfish he is? Am I being heartless for asking this question? How much am I supposed to put up with? At what point do I throw up my hands and say I am DONE?!!
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Old 11-10-2017, 08:47 AM   #76 (permalink)
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Hello jennilcsw, and welcome to SoberRecovery

I am so sorry to hear that you and your partner are going thru such hardships. I am glad that he has had a few years of recovery as that gave you an opportunity to experience what that can be like.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennilcsw View Post
... It’s all due to the pain which I know is very real but, how does someone who is an addict handle chronic pain? ....
I have severe chronic pain from various conditions. I have remained clean and sober in spite of that. Both AA and NA have abundant literature on specific actions to be taken in order to avoid relapsing. It's not the pain that causes the relapse, it is the faliure to take appropriate action that is the problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennilcsw View Post
...Am I being heartless for asking this question? ....
Nope.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennilcsw View Post
... At what point do I throw up my hands and say I am DONE?!....
The answer to that question can be found in our forums "next door."

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

A lot of people there are struggling with the exact same question. Their addicted / alcoholic partners are also failing to take the correct actions, regardless of their health status.

Mike
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Old 11-10-2017, 09:08 AM   #77 (permalink)
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Hi Mike, I am so thankful for your kind words. I am sorry that you’ve had to go through so much pain in your life. You’re absolutely right, it’s the reaction that fundamentally has to change! His pain along with “relapse triggers“ that were never addressed. I didn’t feel that Comfortable posting this earlier but I’m also in recovery and I’ve never done heroin but I was addicted for 9 years Perc’s & Oxy’s & I became sober in 2010. I wasn’t a first time winner though that was my 2nd time. I didn’t want other attics to get mad or think I wasn’t understanding what I am! I nearly lost my son because of my demons with addiction. My newborn baby could not stop me.
������

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Sorry for the miss spelling talking and texting

Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-10-2017 at 11:00 AM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
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Old 11-10-2017, 11:10 AM   #78 (permalink)
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Quote:
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... I didn’t feel that Comfortable posting this earlier but I’m also in recovery ....
No worries. This entire website is all about addictions and those affected by them. Everybody here understands in a deep, personal way.

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... Sorry for the miss spelling talking and texting....
This website is rough on texting, we're all rather wordy

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