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The Lighter Side ~ Part 31

Old 10-06-2019, 11:47 AM
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Old 10-06-2019, 11:48 AM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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"how to remind people that forget how old they are."
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Old 10-06-2019, 03:48 PM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, ‘You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?’
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’
The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’ Sighing, the
Australian replied, ‘of course.’
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’
The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’ The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?’
‘We throw them away, of course!’
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’?
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Old 10-06-2019, 03:50 PM
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied,

‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

‘Esther, I’m 85 years old.

If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied,

‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet

for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.

I’m impressed!’

Morris replied,

‘Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
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Old 10-06-2019, 03:54 PM
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A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”

“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a @#**% wall!
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Old 10-06-2019, 04:26 PM
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Tomsteve, you are the King of the Laughs, hahaha.
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Old 10-06-2019, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Tomsteve, you are the King of the Laughs, hahaha.
Yes, indeed you are! I can always count on your for wonderful hilarious jokes. You're a good guy TS and we love you!
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:11 AM
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"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:12 AM
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Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:13 AM
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Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:13 AM
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I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:15 AM
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I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
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Old 10-07-2019, 12:16 AM
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Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
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Old 10-07-2019, 06:00 AM
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Rekviem!

You are Rodney Dangerfield come back to life.
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Old 10-07-2019, 10:37 PM
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Old 10-07-2019, 11:47 PM
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Would that not depend whether it was a left footed or right footed chicken? that is so the sort of thing I would have done!
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Old 10-11-2019, 07:08 PM
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Old 10-11-2019, 07:10 PM
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Old 10-11-2019, 07:21 PM
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Old 10-11-2019, 07:23 PM
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