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Old 05-19-2019, 06:11 AM   #421 (permalink)
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Again.
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Old 05-19-2019, 02:51 PM   #422 (permalink)
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Redneck 911

A redneck dials 911 in a panic and screams to the phone: “Operatur, we need some help here, we got some lady floppin around haven a heart attack or somethin. Git someone here quick!”

The operator replies calmly “Look sir, just calm down. You need to tell me where you are. Where are you?

“We’re over here at 909 Eucalyptus street,” replies the redneck nervously

“O.k. sir, can you spell that for me?” comes the answer.

After a long pause the redneck replies “Um,I’m gonna drag her on over to Oak street, umkay? Meet you on the corner.
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Old 05-19-2019, 02:52 PM   #423 (permalink)
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Going to Mars

NASA was interviewing people to be sent to Mars for an experiment. Only one could go, and he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll keep $2 million, and pay the engineer to go.”
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Old 05-19-2019, 02:54 PM   #424 (permalink)
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A Trucker and a Priest

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, “Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest “Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!”

The priest then replies “That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”
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Old 05-19-2019, 06:48 PM   #425 (permalink)
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I've posted this before, but it's worth a repeat.

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Old 05-19-2019, 07:01 PM   #426 (permalink)
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0eEqeizNCA
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Old 05-20-2019, 04:35 AM   #427 (permalink)
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Email From Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?'”

John said, “Well, I doubt it but I’ll write her an email just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote, “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house and I’m not saying you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

A few days later John received an email from his mother which read, “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”
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Old 05-20-2019, 04:36 AM   #428 (permalink)
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The Ugly Kid

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:18 PM   #429 (permalink)
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For Ann...

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- Anna Sewell
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:33 PM   #430 (permalink)
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suki !!!!! glad to see you posting here , I have missed your posts.
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Old 05-21-2019, 01:52 PM   #431 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
For Ann...

YES!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

These just make me laugh so hard. I am saving that one to add to my favourites....like this one...

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Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 05-23-2019, 03:30 AM   #432 (permalink)
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Hold my juice box while I put in bubbles...

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Old 05-23-2019, 08:06 AM   #433 (permalink)
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"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places..." Ernest Hemingway

"It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you..." The Eagles, Desperado
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Old 05-23-2019, 03:18 PM   #434 (permalink)
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Old 05-24-2019, 02:36 PM   #435 (permalink)
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"There is a crack in everything
thats how the light gets in "

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Old 05-24-2019, 05:12 PM   #436 (permalink)
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"It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you..." The Eagles, Desperado
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Old 05-26-2019, 12:40 AM   #437 (permalink)
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Old 05-26-2019, 02:28 PM   #438 (permalink)
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Old 05-27-2019, 07:14 AM   #439 (permalink)
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Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 05-28-2019, 07:53 AM   #440 (permalink)
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Worry

Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying for me.”
“Excuse me?” the accountant said.
“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I don’t want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.”
“I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay?”
“I’ll start you at eighty thousand.”
“Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed.
“How can such a small business afford a sum like that?”
“That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”
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