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Old 04-13-2019, 12:08 PM   #281 (permalink)
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Perfect Sales Pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits. He also sold them their optional GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales. This had never happened before. Rather than ask, the Captain did a “random walk” and stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. It went something like this:

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
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Old 04-13-2019, 12:11 PM   #282 (permalink)
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Real Friendship

Friendship between women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day, she told her husband that she had slept over at her friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Old 04-13-2019, 12:12 PM   #283 (permalink)
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Complete vs. Finished

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between “complete” and “finished.”

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London some years ago, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, a Guyanese named Samsundar Balgobin, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between “complete” and “finished.” Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’

If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’

And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘completely finished.'”
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Old 04-13-2019, 04:29 PM   #284 (permalink)
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You have outdone yourself, Tomsteve.
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Old 04-14-2019, 01:27 AM   #285 (permalink)
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I thought of you Dandylion! ^^

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Old 04-14-2019, 05:04 AM   #286 (permalink)
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^^^ Now see, I even want the cartoon cat....you are not alone dear dandylion.
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Old 04-14-2019, 04:09 PM   #287 (permalink)
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Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 04-15-2019, 07:38 PM   #288 (permalink)
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The Art of rock balancing. Amazing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXAu96iV2DA

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Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

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Old 04-16-2019, 02:03 AM   #289 (permalink)
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My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:08 AM   #290 (permalink)
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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:11 PM   #291 (permalink)
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Caramel!!

Least, that takes a steady hand and good sense of balance. Awesome.
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:03 PM   #292 (permalink)
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Tuna Casserole

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

“That’ll teach them!” I replied.
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:04 PM   #293 (permalink)
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Guillotine

One day, they’re leading a priest, a drunkard , and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest says that he would like to face up, so he will be looking at heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

The drunkard comes up to the guillotine next. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down, but suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Again the authorities take this as a sign of divine intervention and they release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He too decides to die facing up. As they slowly raise the blade of the guillotine the engineer suddenly says, “Hey! I see what your problem is….”
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Old 04-16-2019, 03:06 PM   #294 (permalink)
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id like to meet the farmer that raised the pig that produced this BACON!!!
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File Type: jpg bacon!!!.jpg (59.7 KB, 50 views)
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Old 04-17-2019, 05:15 PM   #295 (permalink)
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A little Easter humour...








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Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
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~Thomas Moore
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:13 PM   #296 (permalink)
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Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

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Old 04-18-2019, 04:45 AM   #297 (permalink)
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Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
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~Thomas Moore
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Old 04-18-2019, 05:28 AM   #298 (permalink)
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:57 AM   #299 (permalink)
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^^^^
Yes, me too.
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Live your joy,
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Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
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~Thomas Moore
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Old 04-18-2019, 11:59 AM   #300 (permalink)
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FYI dear tomsteve.....my tuna-pasta casserole is SO sensational that my husband wants it more than once a week.....now this is true, so wherever your mind just went.....naughty you. xx
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