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Old 03-25-2019, 12:51 PM   #201 (permalink)
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Finding Jesus

A stumbling drunk is walking down the street when he stumbles upon a baptismal ceremony by a local stream. The priest notices the drunk and says, “My son, do u want to find Jesus?” The drunk says sure and gets in the water. The priest dunks his head in and asks, “Have you found Jesus?” The drunk says no and the priest dunks him again. The priest repeats this a couple more times, “Have you found Jesus?” he asks each time, but the drunk replies “No” every time. Finally, the drunk gets tired of the process and exclaims: “I don’t see Jesus anywhere. Are u sure this is where he fell in?!?”
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:40 AM   #202 (permalink)
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think i posted this before, but still funny!


DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the
law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All
kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Old 03-26-2019, 06:11 AM   #203 (permalink)
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a warmin rack even!!
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Old 03-27-2019, 01:00 PM   #204 (permalink)
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An old favourite here. I was reminded of this watching a little fella doing the same thing in a snow puddle outside my window, lol. About the same age too.

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Old 03-27-2019, 02:42 PM   #205 (permalink)
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Facebook Friendships

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, and private investigator and a psychiatrist.
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:43 PM   #206 (permalink)
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^^^ awesome!!!!
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"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places..." Ernest Hemingway

"It may be raining, but there's a rainbow above you..." The Eagles, Desperado
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:44 PM   #207 (permalink)
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Violinist

The conductor turned to the violin student and said: “You should have taken up the violin earlier.”

“Why?” asked the student. “Do you think the practice would have made me really good?”

“No,” said the conductor. “But you might have given up by now.”
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:46 PM   #208 (permalink)
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Crabs on the Plane

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
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Old 03-27-2019, 10:42 PM   #209 (permalink)
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tomsteve...I am so proud of you for managing to socialize more.....
No doubt, you will have a lot more followers, as the word gets around town....
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Old 03-28-2019, 03:56 AM   #210 (permalink)
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Tomsteve, Facebook Friends will travel far today, lol, again justifying my decision to never join.
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Live your joy,
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Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 03-28-2019, 04:41 AM   #211 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
tomsteve...I am so proud of you for managing to socialize more.....
No doubt, you will have a lot more followers, as the word gets around town....
maybe i can meet a stalker!! ive always wanted a stalker.
wait....2 officers, a PI, and a shrink....
i think i need to get specific on this stalker thing.
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Old 03-28-2019, 02:25 PM   #212 (permalink)
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"There is a crack in everything
thats how the light gets in "

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Old 03-28-2019, 02:27 PM   #213 (permalink)
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"There is a crack in everything
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Old 03-28-2019, 04:34 PM   #214 (permalink)
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^^^^

Aussie!!!!

Oh lordy that's funny.
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Live your joy,
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Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
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~Thomas Moore
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Old 03-29-2019, 03:20 PM   #215 (permalink)
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"There is a crack in everything
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Old 03-29-2019, 04:22 PM   #216 (permalink)
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^^^^

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Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
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~Thomas Moore
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Old 03-29-2019, 04:42 PM   #217 (permalink)
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Spring is in the air...ain't love grand?























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Live your joy,
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Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 03-30-2019, 06:25 AM   #218 (permalink)
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Talking Too Much

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A’s and a couple of B’s. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: “Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit.”

Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: “Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.”
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Old 03-30-2019, 03:57 PM   #219 (permalink)
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Glad to see you back Tomsteve!

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Old 03-30-2019, 04:19 PM   #220 (permalink)
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