Last year
 

This time last year I was coming up on 4 months of the new non-drinking me. I felt it was time then to see if maybe I could be a drinker, I made the biggest mistake of my life and had some drinks. Needless to say, it’s been a full year and on and off every couple days. Never feeling as bad as I did when I was drinking every night, but never feeling good bc it’s always on my mind. And making horrible, horrible mistakes. I know I can quit. I’ve done it before. And I quit smoking. I never thought of myself in recovery of smoking. I was just no longer a smoker. For some reason, though, I just can’t grab whatever I need to grab onto mentally to quit. I don’t know how and I want to. I just want to be quit and have it be over with. I want to feel like I did after those four months. I can’t believe I took them for granted. Anyway. I had to get a new password on here because it’s been so long since I’ve visited. Just voicing my thoughts.

yeah, i thought that quittin* smoking and quitting drinking would be the same, basically.
that turned out not to be true for me.
drinking “got”to me in a very different place.
nevertheless, it is entirely quittable.
good to see you back, wanting to be done.

You’re not sure if you want to quit?
Or not sure if you can want to?

Either way , welcome back :)

Maybe just quit in spite of either scenario and go from there ?

Hi Sohard, sorry for what brings you here, but glad to see you back.

I think dwtbd is right. It's the kind of thing that you just have to do and then stubbornly stick to it, no matter what. Push through the bad times and uncomfortable feelings and trust that you can do it and it will get better.

You know what the future looks like if keep going the way you are. Your AV doesn't give a sh*t about your health, or your relationships, or your job, your self-esteem, or self-worth. It's going to be through your own self determination that you finally call an end to it. It ends the moment you say so, you've had the power all along.

AVRT is a kick-ass tool. But it's a tool. It has to be applied in your everyday thoughts and last time you were here, it didn't seem like you had gotten the hang of it, yet. It's a skill, like any other. I would encourage you to study AVRT and use SR as a sounding board for that.

Don't ever let shame get the better of you over finding it hard to quit. It took me like 10 years to get it right and alcoholism is so soul crushing.

You can do this.

“Use it every time I feel IT”

Recognition and separation, when you decide to free yourself from the bondage of addiction, there isn’t an urge coming from You, the truer more rational self, that actually wants to go back to that state of non living, yeah?

AVRT allows you to recognize the dualism inside every addicted person.

Your AV is that feeling or voice inside you that cries out against never drinking again. It's the doubt that eats you up inside, telling you you will never get it right and it will always be this way. It's the voice that tells you you deserve it because life is so very hard and lousy without it...... IT always knows what will make you feel better....

YOU are the one who came back here for help. You are the one who hates living this way and knows what you are doing is wrong and that it's killing you slowly. You are the one who wants to wake up feeling good and go to bed with some peace of mind again. You are the one who finally wants to leave your addiction in your rear view mirror so you can live the life you were meant to live.

The BP of AVRT allows you too see/hear/feel the difference between the two.

The idea is not to silence your AV, none of us can. It can quiet down and It can be ignored, but It never totally goes away. We learn to live with It and not fear It or obey It anymore.

Think of it like horse back riding. Since your Beast was birthed you've been riding bareback with no bridle or reins. AVRT allows you to ride with spurs and a saddle and a bridle with a tough bit. Now instead of your Beast taking you for a ride - you are leading the way and have that Beast reigned in.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all your thoughts. I’m still not drinking and two days seems like quite an achievement. I can’t believe I ever threw four months away. But, now I know. It really is impossible for me. I’ve read a lot on this website today and I reread a book I previously read which really helped me. This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace. I always thought it aligned well with this philosophy. Anyway thank you so much for all your support. You have no idea how much It means to me.

I remember hearing in a meeting somewhere, years ago, that nothing can ruin a drinking career like a good stretch of sobriety.

You can do it. Make this YOUR turn. You are tougher than you think - it's only your AV who says otherwise - and you don't have to respect anything your AV says to you anymore.

Have you reread Rational Recovery - The New Cure?

How is it going?

Wow, I really needed this post tonite. This section is normally so quiet. Tonite i find my self alone. Been doing intermittent fasting all this week to try and get some of the beer weight down. The beast has been screaming and trying to talk me into going out to grab some beer. Man can IT be so convincing. Disguising itself as my voice.
Sohard,
As others have said. you are not IT. You are not the Beast. You are not your Addictive Voice. You are the body and , well most of the brain. IT has a tiny little part, ill be it loud, but IT is not in control. I told IT if it wants beer then go get its own Fkn beer!!
Hang in there an slay the beast.

yes; whew:)