SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information - bf now ex actively using and has left me

i feel like sick, I feel like I can’t be at home in my own body sick. and at first I tried to escape from my own brain with drinking, but found myself unable to do any of that last night. i tried to stop drinking in our relationship in which I’d stop for a while, but because I would be so mistreated and devalued I would get drunk and either simply express my feelings or tell him he’s an ******* and a piece of ****. which would result in it becoming about me being drunk and not about how he’s hurting me as it was also about what I did wrong and if I tried to hold him accountable he would just cry and say “I deserve better” or other things. making me feel bad and like I’m to blame. he blamed me for being raped in February. He told me he was dating me bc I wouldn’t say no to him(abt drug usage) he would cause me distress and watch me throw up shaking and crying with no emotional expressions of concern. he told me I was a rebound then took it back. One time I was drunk and I thought he was ignoring me bc he’d do that and I just pleaded and sobbed on the phone saying sorry just bc I felt ignored - he just played a video game with his friends in the background telling them how bad I was. i myself have extensive trauma that I’ve been working on but it had felt impossible to continue working on it. so we agreed to go on a break but he was being reallly mean to me just bc I was trying to talk abt what I want from it and he said I was guilt tripping him. i decided that he was just not in the right state as the other night when he mistreated me and looked me dead in my face and said “he was breaking up with me to remove everyone from his life.” He said he would go to rehab but then took it back. This was a few days ago. I decided that we weren’t going to be able to take a break so I tried to show him the damage he had done to me. I wouldn’t leave my bed, my friends were sick and tired of seeing me constantly suffer, but I put my needs aside bc if I was upset he would leave me to show me that it’s conditional and that he can take his love away at any time. well I tried to find a way to share with his parents as he was stealing from them too - his mom being a therapist- that he’s using. (which I’m surprised he even told me bc he lied to me a lot even about simple things like a flu test but would go to extremes for all lies) he used kratom like every day as well. he’s now blocked me on everything and the last words he said to me was that he does not love me and never wants to interact with me again. i haven’t eaten in two days. i can’t do anything but sulk bc he knows that I have cptsd and severe trauma and feel inherently like I don’t deserve love. my therapist says she saw this all unfold for months of how hard I tried to make it a healthy relationship. And slowly I gained weight, wouldn’t leave my bed, and had really bad thoughts about myself would inflict self harm through drinking. one night I got drunk and I tried to grind on him to try and get him to rape me when extremely blacked out. because I have been raped since I was 4 and over 50 times. he would say he understands but is now saying I raped him. in which I didn’t- that’s not what he said happened until trying to really hurt me now - I got drunk the first night we met and tried to do this as well but he didn’t care then just got away from me so now it feels like he just wants me to feel so bad about myself. my therapist said he’s punishing me. I can’t shake the feeling. I feel like it’s all my fault. I really care about him and I’ll never see him again. I know I wasn’t perfect and how I behave w extensive mistreatment and trauma has improved a lot. but with repetitive emotional abuse it was like he just became my father and I couldn’t escape it. I just wanted to love and be loved. I already miss him so much. Will he realize he was mistreating me from the beginning? I sent him one last text that said I’d always care about him and would love to see him again when he’s sober.