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Will he ever get better?

Old 11-06-2019, 10:15 AM
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Will he ever get better?

Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot of posts over the last few days and have felt SO much more clarity in my situation. My story is of
course very similar to many others that I've read, however I feel like I would just like to get some positive words and encouragement in
my own situation. My ex and I had been together for about two years. A couple of months into dating he told me about his problem with
prescription pain pills in the past. How he was dating someone who got him hooked on them but then eventually he moved back home, stopped
talking to everybody and sobered up. He wound up getting married and having a child after that (which obviously didn't work out for their
own reasons), and then I met him a few months after he separated from his ex wife.
We really had a great relationship. I'm a single mom of two children (whose dad is an alcoholic, go figure lol) and he was more than
amazing with my daughters. He was their dad in every way, which made me latch on to him even more. Though I've had experience with an
alcoholic I have never had experience with pills. I was very naive and the helper in me just wanted him to be happy. I loved him, and I
loved how great he was to not only my daughters but his own daughter. I knew that he was still taking pills every once in a while, only
when he was in bad pain. I let him do it without much mention of anything because honestly it was easier. He was more helpful, in a
better mood, more loving, etc. It wasn't until it was too late that I really started opening up my eyes. We lived 2.5 hours away from
each other so I wasn't able to keep tabs on him consistently, nor did I want to. I wanted to trust with my whole heart that he was doing
the right thing.
But it started with the job jumping, constant job jumping. Then hanging out a lot with addicts, whether they were functioning addicts
with jobs or not, these were a lot of the same people he cut ties with in the past. Then the fact that he never had money. I realized
as much as I was trying to help him I was probably enabling him worse than anybody because I was constantly giving him money for any
excuse he had. I feel a lot of my own guilt for knowing in the back of my head what was going on and not wanting to see if for what it
actually was.
I finally broke up with him and stuck by my decision. Honestly, I still wasn't convinced of the addiction, I mainly broke up with him
because he was changing; he was more and more lazy, more agitated, and definitely taking more and more pills. But once again I just
wanted him to be happy. Our break up was not a bad one at first. We broke up at the end of August and still talked everyday for a couple
of weeks. I noticed that he was becoming more and more depressed. We met up on September 14th to talk in person. We talked about a lot
of things, we both laughed, cried, and hugged it out. He expressed all the classic lines, that I'm better off without him, he doesn't
know why he is the way that he is but I deserve better, he loved me more than anybody in his life, and he knows at the end of all of this
I will be happy. Through our whole relationship he was never particularly mean to me, he didn't lash out or blame things on me. He always
made it clear that I saved his life and made him the happiest he ever has been. But I also made things very easy for him, it wasn't
until I started setting boundaries that I realized that. Anyway, we decided that we would stay broken up but take things slow and get
back to the place we once were. Again, I was still not convinced he was that bad off, he has a history of depression and I was thinking
more along the lines of him needing to spend some time getting through that and not be stressed about him and I. I made it clear I wasn't
going anywhere.
We continued to talk for another week and then BOOM, just like that he stopped talking to me. He told me a couple of days later that he
was dating someone else and there is no more us. I didn't think he really was seeing someone else, I just thought he was pushing me away.
Then I found out from a friend of his that he's dating a woman who is a felon, former prostitue, and at one time a cocaine user. Normally
I would say ok that's in the past but I know for a fact that he has also bought pills from her too. So now he's living in this 2 bedroom
trailer with about 5 other people, shacking up on a couch with her.
I was so hurt and distraught about it. I tried like hell to reach out to him. He told me to leave him alone, that they're happy together.
A few days later, which was a month ago I reached out to him about a bill. He opened up to me a bit about how stressed he is and has so
much going on, that he wants me in his life but just needs time. So I said ok but the co-dependent in me didn't give him that time. I dug
and dug until I could find out as much as I could which was dumb on my end but I can't change it. I FINALLY realized that he is probably
deep in his addiction and I wound up sending him texts here and there letting him know I love him and I'm here for him. He eventually
texted me some pretty nasty stuff, told me I was crazy, that if I can't realize all the crap I caused him during our relationship then he
doesn't know what to tell me, and that him and his gf are happy and he's not on druge so stop contacting him because there is never a chance
for us ever again.
I haven't contacted him since which was about 3 weeks ago. Being outside of the situation I'm starting to realize how bad he actually is.
My ego was hurt, I was constantly thinking that he was having this happy, amazing relationship with her when in fact I know that they're
just enabling each other. I had a good talk with his mom last week, and she told me to let go of him right now, to focus my energy
elsewhere. It helped me a lot hearing that from her because him and his mom are very close. She's very much like me in a way, so while she
didn't come right out and say that he's in a bad place she did make it known he's not making good choices. I'm still in a very vulnerable
state and while I'm getting stronger everyday, I still want to hear that they broke up and he's back at home working at getting sober. I
want to hear from him and know that he's going to be ok. I'm doing better in my life, I've lost 25lbs since we broke up (in a healthy way),
my bank account is growing again, and my credit score is rising. I know I should be mad at him, he financially screwed me so bad and
recently has emotionally destroyed me, but I'm not mad at him. I want him to be healthy, if not for me then for his daughter. Pills are
the worst, addiction is the worst, I hate it all. I know not everybody will agree but I do think he did really love me, at least the best
that he could. There were a couple of times in the last 6-7 months he tried to push me away and say that things were getting worse for him
and he didn't know when they would get better, that he didn't want to drag me through this because it wouldn't be fair to me what happened.
I assumed he was talking about his depression that whole time because he never came out and said it.
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Old 11-06-2019, 03:51 PM
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Hi Mishey

Its pretty hard for anyone to say someone else will get better or not.
All any of us have to go on is the past and the present - and to be honest it doesn't sound like a great situation for you.

You obviously broke up for valid reasons, and this guy is now dating someone else.

I think his mom gave you good advice.

Don't spend your life waiting for someone who may never be ready or able to love you the same way you love them.

D
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Old 11-06-2019, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi Mishey

Its pretty hard for anyone to say someone else will get better or not.
All any of us have to go on is the past and the present - and to be honest it doesn't sound like a great situation for you.

You obviously broke up for valid reasons, and this guy is now dating someone else.

I think his mom gave you good advice.

Don't spend your life waiting for someone who may never be ready or able to love you the same way you love them.

D
thank you, Dee...I guess the hardest part I've had with all of this is that he moved on SO fast as if we never mattered. I hate to think he could forget about me so fast. But such is life I guess.
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Old 11-06-2019, 05:08 PM
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Hi Mishey, well, the further away you get from this addiction drama, the better off you will be.

There is a book that is very often recommended here called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. If you haven't read it I really recommend getting a copy, it has a great deal of really useful information about relationships and boundaries.

Second thing is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You have no control over him or his addiction (as it should be, he is a grown up man and should be making his own decisions, even if they are horrible).

Your ex was right about one thing, you do deserve better. It's really important to look at the reality of what has gone on and what is going on .

I was constantly thinking that he was having this happy, amazing relationship with her
Shacked up on a sofa with a fellow addict in a trailer with 5 people in it? How does that equate to having an amazing relationship? Do you wonder where he is getting money from now?

- I still want to hear that they broke up and he's back at home working at getting sober.
- I want to hear from him and know that he's going to be ok.
- I want him to be healthy, if not for me then for his daughter.

It's understandable that you want all these things for someone you care about, but that doesn't make them so and he is certainly showing you no signs at all that he is interested in any of this.

He probably did love you to the best of his ability, he has now chosen to immerse himself in his addiction (or so it would seem), again, you have no control over this.

Time to look after yourself. Have you ever attended Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? You would probably find that either group would be really helpful and give you even more support.

You might also want to visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum (it's a bit busier than this one) and the stickies which I'll also post a link to.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Old 11-06-2019, 05:54 PM
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[QUOTE=trailmix;7304752]Hi Mishey, well, the further away you get from this addiction drama, the better off you will be.

There is a book that is very often recommended here called Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. If you haven't read it I really recommend getting a copy, it has a great deal of really useful information about relationships and boundaries.

Second thing is, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. You have no control over him or his addiction (as it should be, he is a grown up man and should be making his own decisions, even if they are horrible).

Your ex was right about one thing, you do deserve better. It's really important to look at the reality of what has gone on and what is going on .



Shacked up on a sofa with a fellow addict in a trailer with 5 people in it? How does that equate to having an amazing relationship? Do you wonder where he is getting money from now?

- I still want to hear that they broke up and he's back at home working at getting sober.
- I want to hear from him and know that he's going to be ok.
- I want him to be healthy, if not for me then for his daughter.

It's understandable that you want all these things for someone you care about, but that doesn't make them so and he is certainly showing you no signs at all that he is interested in any of this.

He probably did love you to the best of his ability, he has now chosen to immerse himself in his addiction (or so it would seem), again, you have no control over this.

Time to look after yourself. Have you ever attended Al-Anon or Nar-Anon? You would probably find that either group would be really helpful and give you even more support.

You might also want to visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum (it's a bit busier than this one) and the stickies which I'll also post

Thank you SO much I really appreciate your reply. You're right, I know I need to focus on myself and my daughters now. I spent so much time worrying about him I almost don't remember how to focus so much on myself. I will look into that book and will definitely check out those links. Addiction is a sad and lonely place. If this has taught me anything it has definitely opened my eyes to the fact that addicts are loving, caring people who went down a wrong path. It has changed my views very much watching my ex crumble firsthand. I will continue to hope he comes out of this from afar. Thanks again
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Old 12-25-2019, 09:22 PM
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im just gonna be straight to the point, cut that person out of your life and move on and stop thinking about it. when people are high on pills they have a euphoric high. this makes them do alot of nice things, when that high wears off they become sometimes who they truly are and it isnt nice. odds are alot of times drug addicts do nice things or show love, its the high doing it. ive lost alot of people in my life. my friend just killed himself the day after a family member died. my dad died, my dog died right after on my birthday. almost all of my family and friends are dead and here i am sitting alone on christmas saying to myself well thats life. i have to keep moving forward without the people i love. and so do you. in a few years youll move so far away from this situation it will barely be a memory
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