Sobriety1st

Hello, My name is Tonya and i am an alcoholic..a recovering one, but one that seems to loose a battle when i let that insane thinking take over..I had almost 3 months, not long for some, eternity for some, but everything to me, and in a split second, I placed it to the side because of the insanity of my thinking..I was out running errands Saturday, for 2 hours to be exact, no thoughts of the liquor store, of drinking, Heck, that is why i got out in the first place, feeling a little edgy, so i thought if i got out of the house, did something productive, "this too shall Pass", and i was about to take the exit home, the battle began..overwhelming fear, out of thin air, to go home without that six pack..the battle continued, i am not sure if i even came to a justification, or what the end result was as to how i lost that battle..other than not taking that exit home, calling a friend, praying, pulling over to battle it out in my head, or clear my head and make the voices stop..for me, now that i have attended my meeting, shared about it, talking with my sponsor, i learned so many things about my alcoholism, my recovery, and myself..i am not a decorated alcoholic, unlike any of you, i am just the same, not worse, not better, but the same..that is why we come here..i learned that i was in denial, i was telling myself that not only was i loving sobriety each and every day (which that part was true) but that i was comfortable with that and myself (that, so was not true), and i didn't realize it until that fear took hold of me and i couldn't let go, but the real wake up call was when i took that first drink, after almost 5 months of only one drink, that one drink told me, "ahhh, now, that is comfortable, this is who i am, this is who i know how to be, for 25 yrs. this is what is comfortable to me, and this feels great", my shoulders dropped, the weight came off...ect..but remember, i said, the first drink, and only the first drink..i went to my second, and all down hill all to the very last drop of 6..i had the utmost shame, guilt, remorse, anger, and belittleness that one person has no right to place on themselves..but, after talking to my sponsor, about everything, from point a to point b, i realize, that i was still living in a shell of a person..wanting it all so quickly, and now i know why, because i thought if i hurried up and got the program, got the sobriety, i had it made..Wow, did i learn so much from that step back in my recovery..that i am not comfortable in my own skin being sober, typical of a newly recovering alcoholic, i was in denial, although not conciously, but i know it now, that i denied i was a full blown alcoholic, in the deepest of my mind, i decorated it with pretty little thoughts, until those thoughts turned on me in a split second and had me right back to Step 1...but, am i angry anymore? No! Am I still uncomfortable, H### yes, but at least i am aware, admitting it, and trying like "mike" to turn it over and not hold on to something that i know to be false..my chains are tight and they are binding, and i can't enjoy life living a recovery that i don't understand, especially when i thought i had it all together, when actually, not intentionally, but honestly, i was admitting my alcoholism, my powerlessness, but it was the managing that i was holding onto..and that is the most dangerous thing an alcoholic can do...I know i am right where i am suppose to be, i know GOD showed me things through a drink that i may never have gotten had i not had that experience..but the last thing i said to my sponsor is i don't want to be one of those alcoholics that have to have a slip to continue to learn the program..i want to learn the program and learn to be comfortable in my own skin, without having to have a slip up to see where my problems lie so that i can work on them, turn them over, and continue on the path of recovery which is exactly the place i want to be..Powerful Messages, can be learned through a slip,( in my experience only am i relating to, noone else, and i in no way enable a slip, or drink, or anything else) and i am hoping that 2 is all i ever have to go through in order to get what most in AA have, and i thank you for letting me share, it is the first time i have shared this here, mainly because i was trying to find "me" again..thanks again for listening..it is nice to be back, as the real me, and not a recoverying alcoholic that doesn't have a clue what it is like to be comfortable sober, but i am definitely looking to find out this time..

splendra

It really is baby steps. I too had a relaps after several months sober and that hangover kinda cured me. At 21 years sober I still hear my illness calling out to me sometimes. I know what a liar it is and I just keep calling it a liar. It helpes me stay in the truth ya know...I just like me warts and all. Be gentle with yourself you will get there.

CarolD

Many many of us had false starts..
Hug your sponsor for me!

Glad to see you here again!