Lollipop

I am going to apoligize right now if this post gets too long etc. but I have GOT to get this off my chest!!!!!!
I have held off saying anything, havent even said anything to hubby yet, but I have to and I need you guys. So whats the story you wonder??? Well, sit back, because this one takes the cake, especially for those of you who know my situation with my Father.

Ok so Sunday was my daughters babyshower here at my house, the original plan was for my hubby, Dad and son -in- law to take my boys to the pool during the shower....Well.....of course, my Dad (who ALWAYS has to be the center of attention) changed all that. It wound up that since it was so nasty hot outside, hubby and son-in-law dropped the kids off at the pool and then came back and "hid out" in our room on the computers which was fine, nobody even knew they were here, Dad on the other hand, sat his a$$ at the table in the middle of everything drinking beer and holding a conversation about absolutely NOTHING to do with ANYTHING to ANYONE whom he could corner............ok deep breath.... no biggie (well, ok yeah it is but ....) everyone that was here knows how he is unfortunately and overlooked it. But that isnt the MAIN problem.......

So......Daughter calls me yesterday and says to me......"Mom, I have a serious question and I need you to be completely honest with me....." uh.....okie dokie..........whats up???? Well she proceeds to ask me if I have been "sneeking" her grandpas beer and drinking it!!!! I told her flat out....Um NO!!! For starters, I feel that I am 37 years old and sobriety is MY choice for ME!!! I do NOT need to "sneek" a beer from anyone, not to mention that the crap he drinks is an "Ice" beer and higher in alcohol then regular beer and makes me sick, if I was going to drink, I sure as HELL would not be drinking that. (there are other choices in the fridge of course, as he and mom drink different kinds) Anyway.....
So she tells me she knew I hadnt been and she is sorry to have even asked but she had to because (and here is the kicker) I guess before the shower started, when son-in-law was visiting with Dad, He made mention to my Dad that he and daughter are really proud of my progress and my FATHER informed him NOT to be too damn proud because I have been sneeking his beer. blah blah blah blah (you get the point) This really upset my son-in-law and he said something to my daughter out of concern for me.

Now, I am NOT perfect, and I have slipped and I admited it, but I was a case and pass out every day drinker, (not to toot my own horn here) but even with all the things against me in my recovery, the beer in the house, watching parents drink daily etc) I think I have done pretty good, especially with no help other then from hubby and you all here.
It is a waste of time to say anything, if I say something to him, he will deny it, if son-in-law does, he will change it around to where it looks like he was "misunderstood" its a waste but I am so angry right now, and my feelings are hurt, I quit on the deal that if I did, Dad would stop smoking, he still does and not once has he even acknowledged that I have made progress, ok so what, I dont need his pat on the back, but to LIE to my Son-In-Law, Ughhhh I am beside myself!!! Thanks for listening, I am out the door to go get Dads medicine, and run my Mom all over..... was supposed to go to my daughters ultrasound this morning but cant because THEY need me to do for them........story of my freaking life eeeeesh!!!!
Liss

Luckyv2

((((Liss))))

Sorry to hear that you are still having a hard time, I guess it goes to show that this dis-ease will use anyone or anything to get us back. Most of us have to say that darn Serenity Prayer, sometimes all day just to try to be at peace within ourselves. Don't give anyone the power to rent free in your head, that is not good. Sometimes we need to just sit down and right about how we are feeling, that seems to help also. I keep you in my thoughts daily, hope that maybe you can just sit back and say, "How important is all of this stuff compared to my emotional sobriety?"

Love Vic

ibhmn

He's trying to knock you down a peg in their eyes. Maybe he's jealous. (He's certainly insensitive and ungrateful.) This may sound crazy, but try to feel sorry for him if that is possible. (You'll never do anything like that to your daughter. Unfortunately, he has no such pride.)

BigSis

Hi Lollipop.... I heard something at a meeting once that I am still struggling to get my head around, but makes more sense as time goes on....

What others (he/she/they) think of me.... is none of my business.

Besides, I've never taken what an active alcoholic says at "face value". Don't YOU take what your dad says with a grain of salt? Don't YOU usually question his facts? Anyone who knows him, probably does the same thing. Alcoholism isn't as invisible as I always wanted to believe. Your dad is not pulling anything over on anyone.

Jumping to another subject... are your parents living in your home? If so, is there assisted living available in your area? Around here, there are apartments that are affordable on social security benefits - they aren't luxurious, but they are clean, tidy and come with transportation and staff oversight.

Is there some reason you need to have your father's active alcoholism in your home? Serenity is valuable and I am learning to guard mine.

(((Lollipop))))

Moontime

I'm sorry your going through all this. I haven't been following your posts do you live with your parents? If so is there a solution in the horizon ie... are you leaving this living situation? I don't know you father but if he drinks in front of you that would cause an alarm to go off inside of me. It seems as if he doesn't care or would rather see you fail then succeed which goes back to the first question. I know for me anything that comes before my recovery has got to go. Again that's for me. The courage to change the things I can- well that was a living situation for me. I changed that my roomates were using when I was getting clean. The wisdom to know the difference- I had to know when it was getting to risky and had to get the courage and wisdom to move on.

NYCGirl

Good morning Lizz, I Can here the hurt and frustration in your voice. I am so proud of you, you are doing so well in spite of everything. I seems to me that he just has to justify his smoking, after all he fail and you are successful in achieving your goal. So rather than admitting that he is trying to make everyone think that you are not successful either because then he doesn't look as bad.

I might be speaking out of place not knowing the whole situation but maybe it's someone else turn to take on the responsibility of raising mom and dad, at least for a little while. You need break and so does you family, it sounds like he consumes your, energy time and emotions. You did a great job putting your foot down with your friend, maybe it time to put it down with thee family.

If you do decide to confront Dad make sure brother in law is present, It is easier for him to change his story if the messenger is not present. Then if tries to change his story you leave him with "well then you better be more careful how you say things" walk away and close the discussion, hell get the point.

kali ma

I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time with your father. I'm grasping at straws here, but maybe he wanted to have the negative attention (because of his drinking) off of him and pass it onto you. Just a thought. I don't know how you do it...I give you oodles of credit for staying sober in the face of living with your father who drinks. It must be hard. I'm proud of you for staying sober, and hope that you continue to. You're an inspiration at SR!! Stay strong, and keep your sobriety your #1 priority.

Afterthought: I feel for your daughter. I'm sure she was just concerned about you. I've been there, too.

GreenTea

Its sounds like...

a) Your dad is losing count of how many beers he's drinking -- my guess is he's taking some of your daughter's and forgetting about it.

b) Since he didn't keep his end of the bargain (quit smoking) he figures you aren't keeping yours.

c) With "missing beers" occuring, obviously it must be you, right? (Please note the sarcasm). Perhaps its helping to feed his denial?

I've been on the receiving end of "orchestrated insinuations" myself, and believe me it does suck. About all you can do is stick by your guns and maintain your innocence.

Perhaps have private conversations with your daughter and her husband, letting them know what you think is going on, and ask them for help in keeping track of your Dad's usage. Ask them to notice how many beers are in the 'fridge and when they go missing and who has been around at the time.

As he reaches in to grab another one ask, "Hey Dad, how many beers are left?" ... A little while later as he reaches for another one, ask again "Now how many?".

As for disrupting the baby shower, don't harbor the resentment. Instead let it out. "You know Dad, baby showers are for women only and the pregnant one is supposed to be the center of attention -- I think it was pretty selfish the way you took that away from her".

Also, "If you didn't want to watch the kids, that's fine, but you should have let us know so we could make other arrangements -- what if something had happened?".

It also sounds as though you aren't being respected as a person -- something we're all entitled to, (something else I have experience with). Being their daughter doesn't mean that they're entitled to control of your life or to make decisions for you anymore. Remind them where the boundaries are.

"Sorry Mom, but I'm already scheduled for the ultrasound -- I'll be done at such-and-such time -- I can pick you up afterwards if you want".

Don't harbor the resentment. You're entitled to your emotions, and if someone is evoking bad ones, you're entitled to let them know it and to ask them to stop.

Just some thoughts.

leviathon

Hi Lollipop, sorry to hear about your struggle. On the upside, you are in fact sober so who cares... well you do of course b/c it hurts. Try to let the hurt go... confront him if you must for your own sanity, otherwise let it go. In terms of your "deal" where you'd quit drinking if he quit smoking, not a good deal b/c it means your sobriety would depend on him... then again, it is quite clear that you did it for yourself so good on you and bad on him.

Peace, Levi

Turkey

Liss,
Oh gosh, I am so sorry to hear that ...what a bunch of crap! Your dad and my mom should get together, they'd have a HOOT of a time. Not to make light of your post, but it is so nice to know that I'm not the only one out here with a JACKED UP family. I hope at least you and your daughter enjoyed the shower despite that. It's a special time, and she's lucky to at least have a mom in her life. I won't go into my mother, or lack there of as the internet would shut down from all the typing, it's a SAD thing.
My sister did kind of the same thing, accused me of sneaking her rum a couple of weeks ago.....I HATE rum, and I KNOW it was my mother. I'm no longer talking to either one of them ( now that's a LONG story), but it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. To be accused of something that is not true is just infuriating. I'm 33 years old and if I'm gonna drink I'm not going to sneak it around them....alone and at home...well....I use to but NOT around family!
I feel for you, ugh...my family situation is sooo messed up I don't even think Dr Phil would touch us! They were a BIG part of why I drank though, so I've found that not having them in my life has made a HUGE difference.
Well, I hope the best for you!! You are going to be a GRANDMA!!! How exciting!! There is NOTHING better then a new little baby!!
I hope you have a better day!! We are all here for you!!
Jen

GreenTea

Lollipop -- see? You are not alone!!!

I could probably give Turkey a run for the money on who writes the bigger book on messed up family situations and the resulting contributing factors with getting entrapped in this disease.

Its a field of land mines. But its OUR choice on how to walk through the field, or better yet, AROUND the field!

c'est la vie

((((((Liss))))))

I hope your anger and frustration blows over soon and you can look clearly at the situation. I feel for your daughter because she is not getting the attention she deserves from you at this special time of her life. Shame on your parents. It's so sad that they don't see what it's doing to you and even sadder that it seems that your dad couldn't give a rats @ss even if he did know how you felt.

Given that, I wouldn't bother with trying to understand what he says or does nor trying to explain yourself. It's just not worth the aggrivation. Find a way to get by for now and perhaps follow up on the possibility of an assisted living arrangement for them. Your health and sanity depend upon it.

Turkey

Greentea,
I LOVED the last statement in your post, that is soooo true!

cece1960

Hi Liss,
I stumbled across this and felt like responding.
Unfortuntely, I've had a pretty good view from the non-addict non-alchoholic side of things. While my son's addiction to heroin (now sober yipee!) brought me here, I have years of alkie relatives as well.
The one repeated I pattern I noticed in both, is that once revealed/outed/ discovered etc, the substance abuser will do ANYTHING to get the focus off of them and bring others down to their level. Its a defense mechanism, and it is cruel to say the least.
But I found that once I "knew" that and once I could realise why they did what they did, the anger wasn't as quick to come.
A real biggy for me is "acceptance" in that I had to accept that many of those I loved did what they did because of the disease, not because of who they were.
To "expect" them to act differently was only setting myself up for disappointment...it would send me right back to practicing acceptance (I had many rounds with that bugger)
Just some food for thought
Congrats on your sobriety
Cece

GreenTea

Lolliop -- I just came across your post from this past weekend. Maybe your hubby is "sneaking" the beer? Or maybe he's the one losing count?

Turkey -- Thanks! I'm coming to realize more and more just how much effect I've allowed my family to have on me over the years, (thanks Muse! You're a true jewel!). And its soooo unnecessary.

Done_With_It

Hey Lollipop,

I haven't read the replies so sorry if this has been said, but for me,
I try and remember that Nothing other people do is because of me.
What people say and do are from things and agreements they have
going on in their own mind.
When I start taking personally things that they say and do, and assume
I know where it's coming from that's when I get messed up in the head.

As long as you know you are sober, then all is good? no?
Hang in there girl, your doing great!

Smyle

Hey Liss...Sorry your dad is being a jerk.....family can be such a burden but yet it is hard not to want that burden. They are family after all...I wish I had some great advice but the whole parent thing is a sore subject for me too...

What I can say is Liss you are doing the possible in an impossible situation...(does that make sense) I mean you are dealing with the stress of not drinking in an actively drinking enviornment..I have so much respect for you for doing this....I think you are one of the strongest women I have the pleasure of knowing...i just hate that someone would try to disrepect what you are working so hard on...but do not think it goes unnoticed....your daughter sees it and even doubted what she heard...
That has got to feel good....you are lucky to be getting free from this, like you said you hated seeing your hubby like that....do not be insulted by thier comments, they should inspire you even more, your actions always speak for you. And you are the one acting like a parent...not like an alcoholic....

You stay strong and I am proud of you ....
~B

Lollipop

Thanks EVERYONE!!!!

I am much calmer now, I have a tendency to hold grudges and am working on that. To answer some questions, Yes my parents live with me, and no, assisted living etc. is not an option for several reasons, the main being that after doing some checking here in Ohio, even though they would qualify for some assistance, not much, Mom isnt 65 yet and there is no way they could make it alone on what dad gets from social security, even if the bills were paid, (Dad is a retired bartender and most of his income was under the table so his SS is very low) Also, Mom with the parkonsis Disease, it is progressing and she still has not been approved for SSI even though she cannot work, we are still waiting to hear on that. There are a lot of everyday things that they just cannot (or in my Dads case wont) do. I have 2 brothers close but that is a waste of time, when I have asked for help before, its always the same....No Way, your nuts, your on your own type responses.
My boys are almost 13 and 14 so they pretty much handle themselves, there is no babysitting issue there. Dad just was too lazy to get out of the house.....using his legs as an excuse (btw, surgery is scheduled for 8/29)
While doing some running this morning, I talked to my Mom about what was said by my Dad.......she did not defend him as far as it being said, all she did say was that it will do no good to confront him because he will change his words around. Nobody is sneeking his beer, and he isnt missing any, it was all about exactly what has already been said......turning the focus on to me in a negative way. This is not surprising to me as the man has lied about things I have supposedly done since I was a kid.....a perfect example, and a SICK one is.....when I was 14, I spent the night with a girlfriend, the next morning, he told my Mom that when he came in from work after closing the bar the night before, that he saw me having sex in a parked car in front of the house.............This was a LIE and I MADE my Mom take me to the doctor to PROVE I was still a virgin.......his excuse......oh well someone was and the girl looked just like LISS!!!! No Im sorry or anything. Needless to say, his crap doesnt shock me, it just still hurts that Im doing everything I can for them and he still insists on making me out to be a bad person to anyone who will listen. Now if the TRUTH being told makes me a bad person, then I will surely admit to it but please dont lie to make me look bad!!!! I do feel sorry for him, but like I said, Im not a bit shocked by it. That being said, I now get to jump off of here and drive my Mom to visit my aunt...........yeee fricken hooray!!! Thanks for letting me vent, I love you all!!!!!
Liss

BeerNut

Holy Crap!!! Here's my advice (for what it's worth). Tell Dad "Hey I'm taking one of your beers." Then shake it up real good & blast him with it right in the face! How could a parent treat a child so bad. My heart goes out to you. You are a better person than me for being able to survive in that kind of an environment.

mertyl

Liss, i am sure you know your parents better than anyone of us. Especially your dad. I liked some of the above suggestions and answers. And probably it did you good to vent.
Is he still as harsh when he is not drinking? Have you ever seen him not drinking? I just wonder what kind of person he is without his liquid courage.

Not that this is the same: But you said yourself to say anything is a waste of time. I used to have this boss who had his own doc. The thing that bothered me the most about him was that basically if you didnt bow down and kiss his rear, he'd fire you. If he was is a bad mood, everyone knew it. He walked around like God, pissing off everyone because he spoke to everyone like they were puppets and treated them like dirt. I couldnt help but notice that his temper was fast and he always had to be right. If he thought he was right, you were wrong. And if you defended yourself and he saw you were getting flustered or emotional, it made him more of a jerk. If you got mad at him, he didnt acknowledge it and could make you feel like a bigger piece of crap than he already had.
And thats when i remembered that thing we learned as kids. When mean kids were trying to ignore someone, they would say something like "Do you hear that? Is that the wind?" (i know-childish and hurtful to kids)
But i found that actually ignoring this man, not letting him see me upset, actually made him fuming mad. Which in turn caused me to smile and feel better, and i realized that he didnt like people to have self esteem.
The day I quit, i went into to handle the last of my paperwork. I woke up, worked out, put on a great confident outfit and promised myself no matter what i would not lose the positivity I felt and the smile on my face. He was sitting in a regular chair and called me over. I did not sit. I leaned on the desk. He questioned things. I gave vague answers, and smiled and said hello to others. And i watched. I watched him calculating numbers from my paperwork, his hands slowly becoming more unsteady as i refused to buckle under his little powertrip. After ten minutes of my strict "you can be a jerk but i will still smile" attitude, he got up shaking so badly and escorted me to the hallway. At which time, he refused to let me into the room where my locker had been. He then told me I was banned from the terminal and the other companies that were in there(he didnt have a say, it was just his ego) and when i still didnt get upset, he basically followed me all the way to the parking lot, still sating nasty things. And i didnt do anthing but smile and nod. It infuriated him. And when i left, i felt so good for not letting someones negative and addictive and destructive energy destroy what i worked so hard at. It was the wind talking.

I know you live with your dad, and like i said, you know him very well. But maybe he likes to see you upset. And that stinks. So dont let him break your stride. Let it empower and strengthen you more. When he starts his crap, look at him and silently think "I give it back to you. You are trying to drain me. I wont let you. I give it back to you." repeat as often as liked so your good energy stays with you and no one takes a piece of the pie.

Hang in there
mertyl