New to the Community...
Clean and Fabulous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 23
New to the Community...
Hullo, My name is Cass and I am an addict.
I have over 4 months clean ,a gift which has been given to me through the program and fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I spend a lot of time online and am so glad I found this online community of other people in recovery.
Over the last month, I have started to slip back into some old patterns of behavior. I ignored some suggestions and got into a relationship during my first month clean which ended when my boyfriend went back out and gave up on NA. I have been walking through some intense pain as my fantasies fade and I come back down to reality. But I haven't picked up.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I am still seeking things outside of me to fill my void, acting out sexually, eating too much, giving into impulses and slipping away from my spiritual principles. This frightens me because I have had thoughts of using and I really don't like the way that I feel right now.
Rather than giving up, I have gotten in my sponsor's back pocket and stepped up my meeting attendace, become the chairperson of my homegroup, and become rigorous about my step work. I have not found it neccessary to use today, and for that I am truly grateful.
My sponsor is holding me off from going over my second step until I begin to practice it in my life. At first I was upset about this, feeling as if they had no right to tell me that I wasn't ready. But after realizing that the steps aren't about understanding them, they are about living them, I can understand why I need to be more aggresive in changing my behavior.
I just wanted to reach out and get some experience, strength, and hope. I am feeling pretty down, yet remain grateful. I truly believe a grateful addict will not use, so on days like this I cling to that idea until the desire to escape passes.
Thank you for listening. Big ups and love to my fellow brothers and sisters living in recovery and finding a new way to live.
I have over 4 months clean ,a gift which has been given to me through the program and fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I spend a lot of time online and am so glad I found this online community of other people in recovery.
Over the last month, I have started to slip back into some old patterns of behavior. I ignored some suggestions and got into a relationship during my first month clean which ended when my boyfriend went back out and gave up on NA. I have been walking through some intense pain as my fantasies fade and I come back down to reality. But I haven't picked up.
I feel uncomfortable in my skin. I am still seeking things outside of me to fill my void, acting out sexually, eating too much, giving into impulses and slipping away from my spiritual principles. This frightens me because I have had thoughts of using and I really don't like the way that I feel right now.
Rather than giving up, I have gotten in my sponsor's back pocket and stepped up my meeting attendace, become the chairperson of my homegroup, and become rigorous about my step work. I have not found it neccessary to use today, and for that I am truly grateful.
My sponsor is holding me off from going over my second step until I begin to practice it in my life. At first I was upset about this, feeling as if they had no right to tell me that I wasn't ready. But after realizing that the steps aren't about understanding them, they are about living them, I can understand why I need to be more aggresive in changing my behavior.
I just wanted to reach out and get some experience, strength, and hope. I am feeling pretty down, yet remain grateful. I truly believe a grateful addict will not use, so on days like this I cling to that idea until the desire to escape passes.
Thank you for listening. Big ups and love to my fellow brothers and sisters living in recovery and finding a new way to live.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome Cass
It is great seeing that you are using the tools and staying the course.
Well done.
I am sure you will find the support here to be wonderful. Looks like you will be a wonderful addition to this family as well.
Congratulations on your clean time and your wonderful attitude.
It is great seeing that you are using the tools and staying the course.
Well done.
I am sure you will find the support here to be wonderful. Looks like you will be a wonderful addition to this family as well.
Congratulations on your clean time and your wonderful attitude.
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Welcome Cass glad that you are here and that YOU have remained clean that is a miracle. I have been in relationships in sobriety and it just seem that every time I get into one, I am the one that ends up using. So even though it isn't in the NA Basic Text, I am staying away from relationship, well you know like you said the boy/girl romance thing. I know that today, If I choose to get involved and that is the only way that I can have sex, then I might as well pack up everything that I own and take it with me to the dope woman's house 
most people have dope men see there it is. Anyway glad that you are here and hope that you enjoy it here.
Love Vic
most people have dope men see there it is. Anyway glad that you are here and hope that you enjoy it here. Love Vic
Hello and Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Newfie-Land, Mo
Posts: 1,623
Welcome cass...... i am glad to hear you are staying clean and getting back into your meetings...
I have been unsuccessful in finding a meeting place to call home but i am not giving up. i have been 2 months clean today and i still feel pretty crappy.
I too act out...and have been struggling with that too. I am glad to see a post that I can relate to and learn from. I am really trying and wish you the best .......I am trying to work my second step but without a sponsor it is difficult...I will find one .....glad you are here....
~Beezy
I have been unsuccessful in finding a meeting place to call home but i am not giving up. i have been 2 months clean today and i still feel pretty crappy.
I too act out...and have been struggling with that too. I am glad to see a post that I can relate to and learn from. I am really trying and wish you the best .......I am trying to work my second step but without a sponsor it is difficult...I will find one .....glad you are here....
~Beezy
Clean and Fabulous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by Smyle
Welcome cass...... i am glad to hear you are staying clean and getting back into your meetings...
I have been unsuccessful in finding a meeting place to call home but i am not giving up. i have been 2 months clean today and i still feel pretty crappy.
I too act out...and have been struggling with that too. I am glad to see a post that I can relate to and learn from. I am really trying and wish you the best .......I am trying to work my second step but without a sponsor it is difficult...I will find one .....glad you are here....
~Beezy
I have been unsuccessful in finding a meeting place to call home but i am not giving up. i have been 2 months clean today and i still feel pretty crappy.
I too act out...and have been struggling with that too. I am glad to see a post that I can relate to and learn from. I am really trying and wish you the best .......I am trying to work my second step but without a sponsor it is difficult...I will find one .....glad you are here....
~Beezy
Last night I shared at a meeting about feeling like **** and I was told that I am right where I am supposed to be. Recovery is a revolution and it is a process, not an event. The most important thing is that we hang on, stay clean, and more will be revealed when we are ready to handle it. As far as not having a sponsor, I dont think I would still be here without mine. When my ass is falling off, he tapes it back on for me and it would be impossible to work the steps without him. (yes, I am a woman with a gay male sponsor). When I am feeling especially crazy, he is the one who brings me back to earth. I really hope that you find one, even a temporary one. Sponsorship is the heartbeat of recovery.
Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. I love that feeling of being home in recovery.
I love you all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
Welcome. Keep coming back here and to NA meetings. Keep talking with your sponsor and working the steps. Try not to be too hard on yourself for acting out on other addictions at this point. The main thing is to not do mind/mood altering drugs. It takes a lot of time and spiritual growth to where you will be okay with these other addictions. You will get there, though, if you stay clean and keep working the program. I had a lot of issues with food and sex during my first two years of clean sobriety.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Welcome Cass !!! Congratulations !!
Holy Smokes !!! Look at you - doing all the right things !!!!!
These days I won't Sponsor anyone who gets into a relationship in their first year..Not 'cause I don't love them or want to help them...But every single girl I have sponsored that did so - has gone back out and I couldn't take it anymore...
We have a daily reprieve based on out spiritual condition so it is very important to develop a relationship with a Higher Power (as I don't understand him) or of my choice..so the first year is a really important time to do that..What I have realized is that when we get into a relationship when we are newly sober, we tend to replace our drug of choice (old HP)with the relationship and our new "significant other" becomes our HP and gets in the way of our recovery and learning how to develop this "spiritual condition" that will keep us clean and sober.... Anyway - I just thought I would try to
give you an explanation as to why it is suggested that we stay out of a relationship for the first year, or longer if we don't think we are ready.
.............Janni
These days I won't Sponsor anyone who gets into a relationship in their first year..Not 'cause I don't love them or want to help them...But every single girl I have sponsored that did so - has gone back out and I couldn't take it anymore...
We have a daily reprieve based on out spiritual condition so it is very important to develop a relationship with a Higher Power (as I don't understand him) or of my choice..so the first year is a really important time to do that..What I have realized is that when we get into a relationship when we are newly sober, we tend to replace our drug of choice (old HP)with the relationship and our new "significant other" becomes our HP and gets in the way of our recovery and learning how to develop this "spiritual condition" that will keep us clean and sober.... Anyway - I just thought I would try to
give you an explanation as to why it is suggested that we stay out of a relationship for the first year, or longer if we don't think we are ready.
.............Janni
Clean and Fabulous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 23
Thank you Janni for your experience with relationships. It has been said to me that "finances and romances" cause the most amount of pain and insanity for those of us in recovery.
Although I have been pained up about not only ending a relationship but losing someone I loved back to active addiction, I see some positive growth in myself from this whole situation.
I feel as if my higher power was giving me a taste of several things I needed to move on with my recovery. In my first step, by biggest reservation that someone who was clean was never goinig to love me and that someone wouldn't love me being clean. I now know that is possible, although I am not spiritually prepared for a serious relationship, I feel as if that reservation has started to melt away.
Also, I remember saying a prayer to the effect that "God, if you will would only match up to mine, I'd be great." Well, I was given what I asked for and a lot of pain and unmanagability was what I got. Trusting in God's will and not on Cass' allows me to be restored to sanity. What I pray for now is for me to be enough for me, that I will loose the desire to look outside of myself to fill that void. The only thing that I truly need to feel complete is conscious contact and faith in the will of my higher power.
We broke up a month ago and despite the pain, despite the blow to my self-esteem, despite the thoughts of using to escape how I feel, I have not found it neccessary to pick up. I am starting to get to the other side, the pain isnt as bad, and I see, even very early in my recovery that I can stay clean through pain. Down the line, I will have this experience to share with another addict and my pain will be lessened even more.
Relationships, the ending of them, the inbetween do not cause us to pick up. We use because we want to, there are no more excuses. However, we must learn to not walk into situations knowing that there might come some pain that we are not prepared to deal with. Just for today, I am learning to stop causing pain for myself because life on lifes terms will give us enough.
Anything you place before your recovery you will loose. And you'll loose you're recovery on top of it.
I so grateful to be clean today. It's a beautiful day for recovery. This community is amazing. I am so glad that I've found you all!
Although I have been pained up about not only ending a relationship but losing someone I loved back to active addiction, I see some positive growth in myself from this whole situation.
I feel as if my higher power was giving me a taste of several things I needed to move on with my recovery. In my first step, by biggest reservation that someone who was clean was never goinig to love me and that someone wouldn't love me being clean. I now know that is possible, although I am not spiritually prepared for a serious relationship, I feel as if that reservation has started to melt away.
Also, I remember saying a prayer to the effect that "God, if you will would only match up to mine, I'd be great." Well, I was given what I asked for and a lot of pain and unmanagability was what I got. Trusting in God's will and not on Cass' allows me to be restored to sanity. What I pray for now is for me to be enough for me, that I will loose the desire to look outside of myself to fill that void. The only thing that I truly need to feel complete is conscious contact and faith in the will of my higher power.
We broke up a month ago and despite the pain, despite the blow to my self-esteem, despite the thoughts of using to escape how I feel, I have not found it neccessary to pick up. I am starting to get to the other side, the pain isnt as bad, and I see, even very early in my recovery that I can stay clean through pain. Down the line, I will have this experience to share with another addict and my pain will be lessened even more.
Relationships, the ending of them, the inbetween do not cause us to pick up. We use because we want to, there are no more excuses. However, we must learn to not walk into situations knowing that there might come some pain that we are not prepared to deal with. Just for today, I am learning to stop causing pain for myself because life on lifes terms will give us enough.
Anything you place before your recovery you will loose. And you'll loose you're recovery on top of it.
I so grateful to be clean today. It's a beautiful day for recovery. This community is amazing. I am so glad that I've found you all!
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
Way to Go Damie !!!!
Yes.. I agree that nothing happens by accident..and hopefully we learn from our mistakes...We are on a lifelong journey and mistakes are only opportunities to learn and change and that is what life is all about !!!
If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't learn anything..
We have no reason to beat ourself up for mistakes, they are part of our growing process.
If we don't learn the first time, another opportunity will come up to make another run at it...
We are not bad people learning to be good, we are SICK people getting well....No reason for Shame...
You have wonderful insight !!!!
Janni
If we didn't make mistakes we wouldn't learn anything..
We have no reason to beat ourself up for mistakes, they are part of our growing process.
If we don't learn the first time, another opportunity will come up to make another run at it...
We are not bad people learning to be good, we are SICK people getting well....No reason for Shame...
You have wonderful insight !!!!
Janni
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