Day 4--Need SR friends to check in with me after peer pressure test this weekend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Note: I’m posting this in the two threads I mentioned needing help…sorry for the redundancy—just wanted to make sure everyone got the feedback.
First of all, thank you:
Wishful
Ngokpa
TexasDawn
NYCGirl
Lastbinge
51anna
Hope4life
Dreamz
2dayzmuse
smyle
Ghostintheruins
Alera
MNGirlyGirl
Lollipop
How could I fail when I knew I had 14 caring people pulling for me—and holding me accountable!
Secondly: WARNING!!! Long boring rambling stream of consciousness to follow. Get a strong shot if caffeine if you want to make it through this. Or, if you’re having a hard time sleeping at night, read this at bedtime and save yourself the benadryl!
Here goes,
I must say that it went pretty well. Even though the toughest day was Thursday, I wanted to wait until the weekend was nearly over to respond since my wife I and always have a standing (unspoken) agreement to go out on our (drinking) dates over the weekend. Therefore this Friday and Saturday were going to be tough enough since it was going to be my first sober weekend in 20 plus years. But, to throw the “special” night of Thursday on top really made it daunting. Question: Was it less than supportive for her to throw this at me on weekend #1 of sobriety? I know now she was staking out boundaries to protect her own way of life but geez…
Anyway, I think Wishful and Ngokpa were right. This really is changing the chemistry of the relationship and we have to redefine our roles and priorities. I also knew you guys were right about being concerned about myself first and not her.
We went to a park that had a festival first. We had a pretty good time, but the 800-pound Gorilla in both of our minds was “This is nice but we haven’t had any booze yet.” I hear a band down the way. I told her there is probably wine where there is music. Let’s go listen to the music and get you a glass. We sat for a while and then the most amazing thing happened. I looked to my left and saw the therapist I had seen a few times—the one who told me my problems were drinking—not all the other things I wanted to talk about! (This is a BIG city. The odds of seeing her anywhere would be one in ten thousand at least—divine intervention maybe?) I asked my wife if she wanted to be introduced but she didn’t feel comfortable. I proudly said hi and showed off the glass of ice water I was sporting.
The next stop was dinner. She has a glass of wine. I could tell after a while she wanted another but doesn’t feel comfortable. I ask her if she wants another as the waiter approaches and she says yes so I order her one. Normally we would have each had three so we’re saving some money at least…
Next, we go to the hotel. I’m trying to convince her that things don’t have to be different for her just because I’ve quit. I open the bottle and pour her a glass. After a while I notice that she’s gone to the other room and is staring out the window with a sort of lost look. I was concerned for her but I admit part of me was thinking “I know you are in mourning here but this isn’t exactly easy for me either!” (lol).
I asked her what was wrong and she said “nothing” as she usually does. I saw a tear run down her cheek in the dark and wiped it away. I held her and said “are you going to be okay with me not drinking?” She said “sure” in a tone that was a third sincere, a third flip, and a third depressed.
I told her that I couldn’t live my life like this anymore and all the reasons, emotionally and physically, that I needed to stop. She pointed out that she wasn’t having any of those problems. I said I was happy for her—but part of me wanted to say that “This isn’t a competition.” She also made it clear that she was going to drink and I had better not make her feel bad about it. I promised her I wouldn’t—that this wasn’t about her... All the while, I kept thinking about my new SR friends whom I don’t really even know but who are SO supportive.
We talked a long time and I reassured her of how much I loved her and how I would never leave her no matter what . (She has a lot of abandonment issues due to her Dad leaving when she was 7—I think that’s part of why she started drinking at 14 to ease the pain of a Father who left her and never was interested in her life until she was about 30.) I also told her that I had no intention of changing her drinking habits. My drinking was disrupting MY life and I had no reason to interfere with her on this issue. Things got better from there and we had a wonderful evening once we cleared the air.
I realized at that time that the battle, if there was one, was BEFORE Thursday. The snide remarks... The planning of the special night on weekend number one… Asking me to buy her wine, not coming to bed the first night etc…She was not going to actively sabotage during the special night because she worried that I might blame her.
A few years ago we were arguing over whether I should go to graduate school. It got pretty emotional and finally she said “You’re right. You need to go. I want you to go.” So the next week I signed up. She was furious! “We didn’t talk about this. You didn’t run this by me.” I said that she TOLD me to do it. Then she said “Well yeah but I didn’t think you were really going to do it!” AHAA! So that’s the “MO.” Hubby isn’t really going to follow through. Just placate him—this too will go away. Graduate school was rough on the marriage. At one point she was hinting at maybe seeing “an attorney.” I offered to quit school and she said “No, because you’ll blame me for not finishing.” Hmmm, was the pattern repeating itself? Sabotage…but not so overtly that she can be blamed?
I don’t know anymore. It’s probably all paranoia from the withdrawals. Friday night for example, she went to a neighbor’s house that she never goes to. All the sudden I started thinking “wait a minute, she’s ditching me again to find friends that are drinking.” Our Fridays together are now subject to whether or not she can find someone who is drinking. Tuesday, for instance, she said she was going to go out with a friend that she doesn’t really have that good of time with. Her reasoning was “I’ve nothing better to do (sic).”
The paranoia really set in. Maybe she was just being nice on Thursday and the sabotage would begin in earnest on Friday. To my relief she came home about 9:00 and was just great. She wanted to “go out” which was code for drinking but I told her I was too tired from exercising.
Last night we did go out to eat. Sat at the bar no less because the seats are more “comfortable.” I’m getting fatigued at this point. The bartender knows what I like and started to serve me almost as I was sitting down. I told him I wanted water instead. My wife was going on like nothing had changed. I felt happy about that. She seems to be buying into our lives being okay with me sober. Then she said something that really piqued my interest. She said “This is my first one (drink). I’m doing good.” It was 10:00pm and she had held off. We ended up buying another bottle on the way home and she probably finished the night with 3.5 glasses—much better than the 6 or 7 she was used to. Who knows maybe she wants to get better at this too!
Thanks again to everyone who responded to my threads. You’ll never know how much strength, hope, and wisdom you gave me. If I can ever repay, please let me know.
Thanks
Ibhmn “(I’ll be humming”…when sobriety arrives)
P.S.
Below are the lyrics to a song (“The River”) I stumbled upon during my nefarious Napster days by Garth Brooks. I’m not really a fan of his but the words to this really captivate me. I liken the water to our dreams and the shore to the temptations of abusing…
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry
First of all, thank you:
Wishful
Ngokpa
TexasDawn
NYCGirl
Lastbinge
51anna
Hope4life
Dreamz
2dayzmuse
smyle
Ghostintheruins
Alera
MNGirlyGirl
Lollipop
How could I fail when I knew I had 14 caring people pulling for me—and holding me accountable!
Secondly: WARNING!!! Long boring rambling stream of consciousness to follow. Get a strong shot if caffeine if you want to make it through this. Or, if you’re having a hard time sleeping at night, read this at bedtime and save yourself the benadryl!
Here goes,
I must say that it went pretty well. Even though the toughest day was Thursday, I wanted to wait until the weekend was nearly over to respond since my wife I and always have a standing (unspoken) agreement to go out on our (drinking) dates over the weekend. Therefore this Friday and Saturday were going to be tough enough since it was going to be my first sober weekend in 20 plus years. But, to throw the “special” night of Thursday on top really made it daunting. Question: Was it less than supportive for her to throw this at me on weekend #1 of sobriety? I know now she was staking out boundaries to protect her own way of life but geez…
Anyway, I think Wishful and Ngokpa were right. This really is changing the chemistry of the relationship and we have to redefine our roles and priorities. I also knew you guys were right about being concerned about myself first and not her.
We went to a park that had a festival first. We had a pretty good time, but the 800-pound Gorilla in both of our minds was “This is nice but we haven’t had any booze yet.” I hear a band down the way. I told her there is probably wine where there is music. Let’s go listen to the music and get you a glass. We sat for a while and then the most amazing thing happened. I looked to my left and saw the therapist I had seen a few times—the one who told me my problems were drinking—not all the other things I wanted to talk about! (This is a BIG city. The odds of seeing her anywhere would be one in ten thousand at least—divine intervention maybe?) I asked my wife if she wanted to be introduced but she didn’t feel comfortable. I proudly said hi and showed off the glass of ice water I was sporting.
The next stop was dinner. She has a glass of wine. I could tell after a while she wanted another but doesn’t feel comfortable. I ask her if she wants another as the waiter approaches and she says yes so I order her one. Normally we would have each had three so we’re saving some money at least…
Next, we go to the hotel. I’m trying to convince her that things don’t have to be different for her just because I’ve quit. I open the bottle and pour her a glass. After a while I notice that she’s gone to the other room and is staring out the window with a sort of lost look. I was concerned for her but I admit part of me was thinking “I know you are in mourning here but this isn’t exactly easy for me either!” (lol).
I asked her what was wrong and she said “nothing” as she usually does. I saw a tear run down her cheek in the dark and wiped it away. I held her and said “are you going to be okay with me not drinking?” She said “sure” in a tone that was a third sincere, a third flip, and a third depressed.
I told her that I couldn’t live my life like this anymore and all the reasons, emotionally and physically, that I needed to stop. She pointed out that she wasn’t having any of those problems. I said I was happy for her—but part of me wanted to say that “This isn’t a competition.” She also made it clear that she was going to drink and I had better not make her feel bad about it. I promised her I wouldn’t—that this wasn’t about her... All the while, I kept thinking about my new SR friends whom I don’t really even know but who are SO supportive.
We talked a long time and I reassured her of how much I loved her and how I would never leave her no matter what . (She has a lot of abandonment issues due to her Dad leaving when she was 7—I think that’s part of why she started drinking at 14 to ease the pain of a Father who left her and never was interested in her life until she was about 30.) I also told her that I had no intention of changing her drinking habits. My drinking was disrupting MY life and I had no reason to interfere with her on this issue. Things got better from there and we had a wonderful evening once we cleared the air.
I realized at that time that the battle, if there was one, was BEFORE Thursday. The snide remarks... The planning of the special night on weekend number one… Asking me to buy her wine, not coming to bed the first night etc…She was not going to actively sabotage during the special night because she worried that I might blame her.
A few years ago we were arguing over whether I should go to graduate school. It got pretty emotional and finally she said “You’re right. You need to go. I want you to go.” So the next week I signed up. She was furious! “We didn’t talk about this. You didn’t run this by me.” I said that she TOLD me to do it. Then she said “Well yeah but I didn’t think you were really going to do it!” AHAA! So that’s the “MO.” Hubby isn’t really going to follow through. Just placate him—this too will go away. Graduate school was rough on the marriage. At one point she was hinting at maybe seeing “an attorney.” I offered to quit school and she said “No, because you’ll blame me for not finishing.” Hmmm, was the pattern repeating itself? Sabotage…but not so overtly that she can be blamed?
I don’t know anymore. It’s probably all paranoia from the withdrawals. Friday night for example, she went to a neighbor’s house that she never goes to. All the sudden I started thinking “wait a minute, she’s ditching me again to find friends that are drinking.” Our Fridays together are now subject to whether or not she can find someone who is drinking. Tuesday, for instance, she said she was going to go out with a friend that she doesn’t really have that good of time with. Her reasoning was “I’ve nothing better to do (sic).”
The paranoia really set in. Maybe she was just being nice on Thursday and the sabotage would begin in earnest on Friday. To my relief she came home about 9:00 and was just great. She wanted to “go out” which was code for drinking but I told her I was too tired from exercising.
Last night we did go out to eat. Sat at the bar no less because the seats are more “comfortable.” I’m getting fatigued at this point. The bartender knows what I like and started to serve me almost as I was sitting down. I told him I wanted water instead. My wife was going on like nothing had changed. I felt happy about that. She seems to be buying into our lives being okay with me sober. Then she said something that really piqued my interest. She said “This is my first one (drink). I’m doing good.” It was 10:00pm and she had held off. We ended up buying another bottle on the way home and she probably finished the night with 3.5 glasses—much better than the 6 or 7 she was used to. Who knows maybe she wants to get better at this too!
Thanks again to everyone who responded to my threads. You’ll never know how much strength, hope, and wisdom you gave me. If I can ever repay, please let me know.
Thanks
Ibhmn “(I’ll be humming”…when sobriety arrives)
P.S.
Below are the lyrics to a song (“The River”) I stumbled upon during my nefarious Napster days by Garth Brooks. I’m not really a fan of his but the words to this really captivate me. I liken the water to our dreams and the shore to the temptations of abusing…
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
That was an emotional weekend wasn't it and trying to manoeuver in uncharted territory. Change is always so hard for each person involved. It sounds like you're being accomodating to your wife and taking care of yourself, at the same time. I would imagine that she will have some thoughts about her own drinking, as she watches you. And, you are taking care of yourself, staying sober and being a great role model!
I should add the in my case, my husband stopped drinking when I did. He never, ever had any kind of problem with alcohol, but when he saw what it did to me and our life, he turned his back on it and has never gone back. I have to admit, early on, I would have found it really hard to deal with him drinking in front of me. It wouldn't bother me now, but back then I wouldn't have wanted it.
I should add the in my case, my husband stopped drinking when I did. He never, ever had any kind of problem with alcohol, but when he saw what it did to me and our life, he turned his back on it and has never gone back. I have to admit, early on, I would have found it really hard to deal with him drinking in front of me. It wouldn't bother me now, but back then I wouldn't have wanted it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South Florida
Posts: 51
Hey there ibhmn....glad the weekend went well for you and that you didn't break down and have a few. My wife has been out of town for almost two months, taking care of her 83 year old mother who is coming down with Alzheimers. She's on her way home today and should be here in an hour or so, after her 8 hour drive. We spoke on the phone a bit ago and she asked me if it would bother me if she has a beer when she gets home, I said nope, which it really doesn't....but I don't think she believed me. She called back a bit later and said she was going to forgo the beer!!
Today is day 11 of sobriety for me. It's feeling pretty damn good.
Today is day 11 of sobriety for me. It's feeling pretty damn good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
IB,
I so glad to hear the weekened weekend went well. It sounds like you had a pretty good time. My I be so bold to say though I sense an under tone in your rambling (your words not mine) that your wife has her own issues with alcohol. There seems to be a bid of defensiveness there on her part. Hmm. I'm sure part of it is the faact that she loosing her drinking buddy.
My husband drank mostly every day not usualy too many though, but I have notice he has pretty much switched to just a few on the weekends since I quit. We don't talk about it much, but i am certianly not feeling any resentment, I know he is a little sad about loosing his drinking buddy but more so I think he had just had it with living with a drunk.
He did make comment that dinners out have been a lot cheaper since he'll have one or two and I drink water it used to be three or four each.
Oh, yeah and that I am even goofier sober. Sure I don't have to hid the fact that I am drunk by noon on Saturday, I can act any way I want.
I like the lyrics!
I so glad to hear the weekened weekend went well. It sounds like you had a pretty good time. My I be so bold to say though I sense an under tone in your rambling (your words not mine) that your wife has her own issues with alcohol. There seems to be a bid of defensiveness there on her part. Hmm. I'm sure part of it is the faact that she loosing her drinking buddy.
My husband drank mostly every day not usualy too many though, but I have notice he has pretty much switched to just a few on the weekends since I quit. We don't talk about it much, but i am certianly not feeling any resentment, I know he is a little sad about loosing his drinking buddy but more so I think he had just had it with living with a drunk.
He did make comment that dinners out have been a lot cheaper since he'll have one or two and I drink water it used to be three or four each.
Oh, yeah and that I am even goofier sober. Sure I don't have to hid the fact that I am drunk by noon on Saturday, I can act any way I want.
I like the lyrics!
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
By the time I was halfway through your post I had tears in my eyes, by the time I got to the end I was smiling ear to ear.
You had many struggles, but you stayed sober. I am so very proud of you!
You had many struggles, but you stayed sober. I am so very proud of you!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Fight ... WIN!!
Posts: 118
Totally unconditional congratulations! You got through a tough one with flying colors - held on to your stand and I think your being nonantagonistic (to defuse any fights-in-waiting) as well as committed was a great balance to hit! Very cool, too about the therapist being there - synchronicity like that always makes me feel like God is saying "a HEM!!!!!! Yo, baby!"
Many happy returns of the sober weekend to you and maybe eventually your wife, too! Best of luck to you!
Many happy returns of the sober weekend to you and maybe eventually your wife, too! Best of luck to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by 51anna
That was an emotional weekend wasn't it and trying to manoeuver in uncharted territory. Change is always so hard for each person involved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Lastbinge
Today is day 11 of sobriety for me. It's feeling pretty damn good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Alera
By the time I was halfway through your post I had tears in my eyes, by the time I got to the end I was smiling ear to ear.
You had many struggles, but you stayed sober. I am so very proud of you!
You had many struggles, but you stayed sober. I am so very proud of you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by wishful
Totally unconditional congratulations! You got through a tough one with flying colors - held on to your stand and I think your being nonantagonistic (to defuse any fights-in-waiting) as well as committed was a great balance to hit! Very cool, too about the therapist being there - synchronicity like that always makes me feel like God is saying "a HEM!!!!!! Yo, baby!"
Many happy returns of the sober weekend to you and maybe eventually your wife, too! Best of luck to you!
Many happy returns of the sober weekend to you and maybe eventually your wife, too! Best of luck to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by SweetNuff
This has been such an awesome thread to read, Ib. I just love the way you are allowing all of us to get to know you, and the way you articulate each facet of your day. It's just like I'm sitting there with you.
What a great opportunity you are giving each of us to really get to know you! And you are really doing great, even though you've had to deal with a tad of "adversity". WTG!
What a great opportunity you are giving each of us to really get to know you! And you are really doing great, even though you've had to deal with a tad of "adversity". WTG!
BTW...one more "facet" as you would say. My wife just walked in with freshly cut up lemmons and limes. She went to the store to buy them for me, along with club soda, to make my subsitute drinks "more special." She also offered that she is going to dilute her wine with the club soda--and she sounds rather excited about cutting back...
Wow. Things couldn't be going any better right now!
Let Go & Let God
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 85
Hey ibh -- I just read through this entire thread and wanted to add my congratulations on getting through the weekend and still keeping your wits about you! Glad to hear your wife has maybe turned a corner...?
All best,
Saz
All best,
Saz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Sazzer
Hey ibh -- I just read through this entire thread and wanted to add my congratulations on getting through the weekend and still keeping your wits about you! Glad to hear your wife has maybe turned a corner...?
All best,
Saz
All best,
Saz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
WTG IBH!!!!!
Im so glad things went so well......sounds like this "special night" may have been the beginning of more great things to come!!! I think it is awesome that your wife is cutting back as well......this is truely fantastic, I am so happy for you both!!!!!! Stay Strong!!!!!!
Liss
Im so glad things went so well......sounds like this "special night" may have been the beginning of more great things to come!!! I think it is awesome that your wife is cutting back as well......this is truely fantastic, I am so happy for you both!!!!!! Stay Strong!!!!!!
Liss
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Although I hadn't said anything, I've been watching this thread and waiting for you to check in so we'd know you were ok and made it through. I know how tough early sobriety is and with the extra challenges you've faced this weekend, I'd say OUTSTANDING job on getting through them with your sobriety intact! What an inspiration you are! Also, the fact that your wife may be affected positively by your sobriety is great too!
Keep up the great work!
Hugs,
Kellye
Keep up the great work!
Hugs,
Kellye
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Camelot
Posts: 90
Thanks for following the thread and checking in with your kind words KD...
I'm so blown away at the posts I've seen today. I didn't think anyone would have the time to read my posts--much less respond.
...and here you were following this thread as well and reading my ramblings as well. I'm blessed...
I'm so blown away at the posts I've seen today. I didn't think anyone would have the time to read my posts--much less respond.
...and here you were following this thread as well and reading my ramblings as well. I'm blessed...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
If you look at the counter, on the main thread page, although there are 40 responses there are 290 views on this. That should give you some sense of how many people have your back in this and have checked on you!!! Hope that makes you smile and feel needed wanted and loved because you are!
Kellye
Kellye
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