new guy to all of this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: bayville nj
Posts: 5
new guy to all of this
Hi all. My name is jeff. I live on the jersey shore, im 23 and have realized I have an out of control problem with alcohol. Let me tell you a little more about myself.
It all started when i was about 18-19. I was drinking heavily then as well, but it started as only a nightly thing, we would go to a freinds house, drink unholy amounts of alcohol, then i would be useless until the following night. This went on for a few years, i bounced from crummy job to another one after i would go on a bender and not feel like moving the next day, and inevidably, getting canned.
Well, it progressed from there, by the time i was 21, i had racked up 2 underage drinking while driving charges, a slew of other things. When my mother wouldnt let me in the house one night because i was loaded, i kicked the door in and was aressted shorty there after. And by this time i was drinking nightly, and waking up the next day and doing it all over again. I couldnt believe what was happening to me, and whats more is how fast it was happening. Well, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer after i had turned 22. I figured if anything could sway my drinking, it would have been that. Well that worked for a short period of time, then it was right back into my old ways. I was taking care of my mother each day while on the bottle. I wasnt drinking small amounts either. Id be going through a few pints of 151, jack daniels and the like a day. Well my mother pssed way this past febuary. Her dying wish was to watch me suceed. And i failed her. I ended up going on bender after she passed. My father and brother (who is also an alcoholic shrouded in HEAVY denial) had enough nd i was out of the house. My mother had left me a little bit of money, so i was staying in swanky disgusting motels, drinking more and more because i could, noone was around to tell me to stop. I would isolate myself in my death trap that was these hotels. Well, i couldnt stand it anymore. I had to get out. So i moved where i am today. in house with a few roomates, who, unfortunatly are all heavy drinkers. So im isolating myself from them as well. I am only about 2 weeks into my sobriety, and its hard. I have a crippling anxiety disorder caused and ultimatly fueled by my drinking. I sometimes have a hard time walking out the door the next day after a night of drinking. I am unemployed, broke, and have been attending AA meetings daily. It seems to help, but if i could shake off all the regrets and pain i have caused in the past, or at least find some way to come to terms with it, that would be a weight lifted off of me.
There is alot more to my story, domestic disputes with an ex finace, resulting in more police troubles (long story short we would get into yelling matches, she would throw pots, punch holes etc, but because there was never direct blows thrown, no action was ever taken). Many a many of times not knowing where i was or how i had gotten there etc etc. I dont really know why i typed all of this out, however im glad i did. I was just going to introduce myself, but this is even better. Im glad i found this place for when im not attending meetings ... thanks for reading
It all started when i was about 18-19. I was drinking heavily then as well, but it started as only a nightly thing, we would go to a freinds house, drink unholy amounts of alcohol, then i would be useless until the following night. This went on for a few years, i bounced from crummy job to another one after i would go on a bender and not feel like moving the next day, and inevidably, getting canned.
Well, it progressed from there, by the time i was 21, i had racked up 2 underage drinking while driving charges, a slew of other things. When my mother wouldnt let me in the house one night because i was loaded, i kicked the door in and was aressted shorty there after. And by this time i was drinking nightly, and waking up the next day and doing it all over again. I couldnt believe what was happening to me, and whats more is how fast it was happening. Well, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer after i had turned 22. I figured if anything could sway my drinking, it would have been that. Well that worked for a short period of time, then it was right back into my old ways. I was taking care of my mother each day while on the bottle. I wasnt drinking small amounts either. Id be going through a few pints of 151, jack daniels and the like a day. Well my mother pssed way this past febuary. Her dying wish was to watch me suceed. And i failed her. I ended up going on bender after she passed. My father and brother (who is also an alcoholic shrouded in HEAVY denial) had enough nd i was out of the house. My mother had left me a little bit of money, so i was staying in swanky disgusting motels, drinking more and more because i could, noone was around to tell me to stop. I would isolate myself in my death trap that was these hotels. Well, i couldnt stand it anymore. I had to get out. So i moved where i am today. in house with a few roomates, who, unfortunatly are all heavy drinkers. So im isolating myself from them as well. I am only about 2 weeks into my sobriety, and its hard. I have a crippling anxiety disorder caused and ultimatly fueled by my drinking. I sometimes have a hard time walking out the door the next day after a night of drinking. I am unemployed, broke, and have been attending AA meetings daily. It seems to help, but if i could shake off all the regrets and pain i have caused in the past, or at least find some way to come to terms with it, that would be a weight lifted off of me.
There is alot more to my story, domestic disputes with an ex finace, resulting in more police troubles (long story short we would get into yelling matches, she would throw pots, punch holes etc, but because there was never direct blows thrown, no action was ever taken). Many a many of times not knowing where i was or how i had gotten there etc etc. I dont really know why i typed all of this out, however im glad i did. I was just going to introduce myself, but this is even better. Im glad i found this place for when im not attending meetings ... thanks for reading
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Hi Jeff and welcome to SR!I could relate to your story. I am 39 now, but I knew at 23 that my drinking was a problem. Unfortunately I struggled on and off for another 16 years with the demon.
So glad you found SR!!!!
You can do this! Just recognizing that alcohol has been a problem for you is a major step!
When I was in my 20's I went to AA for awhile and it helped tremendously. Somewhere along the line, I thought I didn't need AA anymore, and eventually I "forgot" that I was an alcoholic and convinced myself that I could learn to drink in moderation. And maybe I could drink in moderation 'sometimes.' But the disease of alcoholism is progressive, and things always got worse. I ended up doing things when I was drunk that I would have NEVER done sober, and a lot of shame resulted. I hope and pray that you will learn to embrace recovery at your relatively young age. It will save you a lot of heartache in the long-run.
Blessings, and hugs.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome and Hugs!
Here is the deal...You need to move into a sober place
Ask in your AA meetings for suggestions in your area.
Look at Steps 4&5..when I did those my remorse was
removed.
Get and use a sponsor..you need a strong mentor.
A job is also a good idea. Nothing to do with alcohol.
You can do this...I am proud of you for trying!!
Here is the deal...You need to move into a sober place
Ask in your AA meetings for suggestions in your area.
Look at Steps 4&5..when I did those my remorse was
removed.
Get and use a sponsor..you need a strong mentor.
A job is also a good idea. Nothing to do with alcohol.
You can do this...I am proud of you for trying!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 136
Hi Jeff. Welcome to SR. CONGRATS ON TWO WEEKS! Keep posting and search around the different sites here. I'm so sorry that you have had a hard time. Like someone else said, I think that it would be wise to find some other place to live. I know it's easier said than done, but you need to look out for #1 right now. Let us know how things are going.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Hiyas Jeff and welcome!!!!
Congrats on your first HUGE step in recovery.......realizing you have a problem and working towards doing something about it!You may be amazed at how many of us can relate to at least some of what you have typed. You are by far, not alone here! I agree with Carol, sounds like you need to try to find a different place to live, this coming from someone in a position who cant get away from alcoholic Dad (I take care of he and my Mom) recovery is a LOT harder as all the temptations are in your face all the time. I am sorry for your loss, deeply sorry hun, but my thought is that if you believe in heaven, consider this, you may have failed Mom when she was here but you can still make her spirit proud!!!! I dont personally attend meetings right now but from what I have heard, they can do wonders, its great that your going. Stay strong, we are always here!!!! Post and read away my friend, the knowledge one can gain here is awesome!!!!
Again, Welcome to SR!!!
Liss
Congrats on your first HUGE step in recovery.......realizing you have a problem and working towards doing something about it!You may be amazed at how many of us can relate to at least some of what you have typed. You are by far, not alone here! I agree with Carol, sounds like you need to try to find a different place to live, this coming from someone in a position who cant get away from alcoholic Dad (I take care of he and my Mom) recovery is a LOT harder as all the temptations are in your face all the time. I am sorry for your loss, deeply sorry hun, but my thought is that if you believe in heaven, consider this, you may have failed Mom when she was here but you can still make her spirit proud!!!! I dont personally attend meetings right now but from what I have heard, they can do wonders, its great that your going. Stay strong, we are always here!!!! Post and read away my friend, the knowledge one can gain here is awesome!!!!
Again, Welcome to SR!!!
Liss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: bayville nj
Posts: 5
Thanks for the kind words everyone. Its good to see that there really are others out there. I cant explain the feelings of guilt afterwards. When detoxing feeling like there are things crawling on me, twitching, shaking uncontrolably. Makes me wonder why i insist on doing it to myself. Ill tell you what else, these past two weeks, ive never felt so good. In years I havent felt this good. I dont miss locking my door, curling up on the bed in shame. jumping and feeling my stomach fall out everytime the phone rings and i dont answer. i just want this to be over, i cannot fail
My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 338
[Jeff], you're a strong one. You're in AA, doing what you can to get sober and stay that way. Good move.
Steps 4 through 9 are the action steps. That's where we clear away the wreckage of our past. Step 10 keeps new wreckage from accumulating. We deal with it as it happens. A popular Program saying is "Don't do anything today that you'll have to make amends for tomorrow."
Read the promises, from page 84-85 of the Big Book. If you haven't got one, get one. I've typed them out on the thread "When is enough, enough."
I've been sober over 17 1/2 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Steps 4 through 9 are the action steps. That's where we clear away the wreckage of our past. Step 10 keeps new wreckage from accumulating. We deal with it as it happens. A popular Program saying is "Don't do anything today that you'll have to make amends for tomorrow."
Read the promises, from page 84-85 of the Big Book. If you haven't got one, get one. I've typed them out on the thread "When is enough, enough."
I've been sober over 17 1/2 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: bayville nj
Posts: 5
ive been reading it on here hector. Some really good stuff in there. im obviously still a newcomer at AA and am just listening right now, but im sure as i progress things will get better and better. Ya know, there was a man speaking the other night, he said something that really hit me. He said that as the road to recovery progresses, you will no longer feel the need to blot out your past, but focus on the road to sucess. That gave me a little hope.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: home of the liquid sunshine-Florida
Posts: 294
Hi there, Jeff!! Congrats on 2 weeks. A pp said thatsteps 4-9 were the action steps, we need to do these to clear our heads and make us feel better about ourselves. Then I believe it becomes a little easier to stay sober. Right now AA, SR and God are keeping me sober, but I really need to get into action on my steps in order to STAY sober.
If you dont have the BB I have a link for it online to read.
I am almost finished with it for the first time and will begin again. The first 120 or so pages are the most important, I think. Keep up the great work!!
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Star
If you dont have the BB I have a link for it online to read.
I am almost finished with it for the first time and will begin again. The first 120 or so pages are the most important, I think. Keep up the great work!!
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/
Star
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
For a sober place to live you might want to try and "oxford house", there is a link on this site I'll try and find it for you (i'm new here to) there are a few in south jersey closer to Atlantic city and there are alot of jobs there too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Finding out what I have been missing!
Posts: 1,011
Here is the Oxford house link http://www.oxfordhouse.org/
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 404
Welcome! Glad you're here. It sounds like you are doing the right things and you are ready to change. I believe that the most important thing is that you really need to open, willing and ready to change - from your post, it sounds like you have had enough of the drinking and want a new life. Here is what helped me get and stay sober:
1) Get brutally honest with yourself about your drinking
2) Go to AA meetings - being around sober people that can relate to the struggle is huge!
3) Don't look too far ahead - just decide to not drink today. Deal w tomororw when it comes.
Hope you stick around!
JMHS
1) Get brutally honest with yourself about your drinking
2) Go to AA meetings - being around sober people that can relate to the struggle is huge!
3) Don't look too far ahead - just decide to not drink today. Deal w tomororw when it comes.
Hope you stick around!
JMHS
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