Dom

Thanks Kelly I'll check out that site. I have been reading the 12 step workbook I got, but it depresses me. It depresses me because I do not have a horrible past like the book talks about. I was never beat or abused... I just got yelled at a lot, was grounded a lot, and I remember always having a low self esteem starting in the 2nd grade.

Time4Change

Try to look at the similarities, not the differences. Many of us have completely different "rock bottoms," no arrests or jail, no "hardcore drugs," no institutions, etc., but we all have addiction in common. We can learn so much from each other. In the NA literature, we learn that "One addict helping another is without parallel". Oh, and since coming to the rooms of NA, I've heard many (including me) addicts talk of their low self-esteems, how none of us felt like we fit in or measured up to others, etc. I can certainly relate to that.

Glad you're doing some reading! Are you hitting a meeting tonight?

Kelly

Dom

Yep, in just a few hours. I'm nervous and I don't want to go, but I am because being an addict scares me and I don't want certain things in my life to change. My GF and my job most importantly. The thought of hugging strangers is mostly why I'm nervous. The spirituality aspect of it makes me not want to go, I really don't believe in a HP. I feel it's just me and the high-cost living on Long Island to deal with.

caligirl770

Hey Dom
Sometimes peoples rock bottoms are worse than others. I know when I started going to meetings I thought wow I really didn't have it as bad as some of the people there. Fortunatly you didn't loose everything like some of the addicts out there and can get your life back on track.
Maybe you can ask your therapist about antidepressents I know that it really helps some people who self medicate with drugs and alcohol.
Hope your day is good

Christie

Sazzer

I know what you mean, Dom. I had an ideal childhood. Only the usual acting out as a teenager. But the disease doesn't know and doesn't care about anyone's history. I had a hard time in meetings at first, because people were talking about their jail time, rehab time, homelessness, etc. and I never had any of that. Then I started thinking "well, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. I never physically hurt myself or others, never got arrested, etc etc." I know now that it was only a matter of time. I just got lucky and came to realize my disease before the worst happened.

Just keep an open mind. I'll be thinking about you!

Dom

Guys and gals, please know I love you all for helping me. I think I am jumping into everything too fast. Please don't be disappointed but I'm NOT going to the meeting tonight, I will in the near future, just not right now.

I feel better, I went for a quick walk while talking to my GF on the phone. I know I have the willpower to stop doing drugs. I know I will never do drugs again!

What is really bothering me right now is my relationship with my GF. She is so stuck in my past of lies it is overcoming her. I decided NOT to go to the meeting tonight. I instead am going to see her, spend time with her, and then get a good nights rest tonight. I am depressed because of her!

My therapist did not give me any medication, he just suggested it, incase my depression and anxiety do not go away. I need to fix my relationship, this is what is making me sad all the time. Knowing that she is not as happy as she once was.

I'm just doing what I want to feel better right now. I promise you all that I will never go back to drugs. I don't want to ever numb my emotions again, I want to make my emotions happy emotions.

Love,
Dom

2dayzmuse

I promised I would never drink again, but I did. Addiction is tricky. Be careful. I know you don't want to use drugs today, but tomorrow is around the corner. Along with it comes temptation. Meetings will teach you how to avoid and deal with temptation.

I bet you could come up with all kinds of excuses to avoid going to meetings. Grab your friend and just go. People aren't going to attack you with a barrage of hugs when you walk into the door. I'm not a huggy person either and people get that. It really shouldn't be a problem. At least not anything that should stop you from going to meetings.

I understand you wanting to be with your GF, but I wouldn't put off going to meetings for to long. Will power is no foe to addiction. If it were...well you know, there would be a lot less addicts out their in the world.

Don't be so hard on yourself for not having a horrible past. Thank goodness. My hope is that you don't have a horrible future. That is why I hope you gain some sobriety tools. I'm only telling you this because I know how addiction can be. There really are no guarantees. Having willingness, open mindedness, knowledge, experience and preparation can keep us from stepping back into using again. Having will power really means nothing to addiction. That has been my experience.

Sazzer

We will love and support you no matter what you choose to do about meetings, but I agree with 2dayz that it is dangerous to put it off. Btw, I don't think I've had one hug since going to AA. I suppose I could if I wanted to, but no one felt overly eager to give out hugs. You basically choose your involvement when you're there. You can sit there off in a corner not saying a word if you feel like it. Or you can say whatever you want and everyone will support you. It's an amazing place.

In my opinion, I think it is dangerous for us to let someone else and how we feel about someone else determine how we go about our sobriety. We cannot truly love another person without loving and taking care of ourselves first. The paradox of sobriety is a tricky one. We are supposed to take care of our own needs first, but also resist self-absorption. Hmmm...It is a tough thing to do.

I can totally understand how you're feeling. You're dealing with a lot of things all at once and it can be overwhelming -- especially when you want things & relationships to be like they were before. The truth is, they never will be and hopefully they will be better than you could have dreamed. Try to be patient with yourself and your situation.

Just thoughts. Be gentle with yourself.

Smyle

Dom.....I actually think it is wise you chose to go see your GF tonight instead of a meeting....( all others will be stoning me right now LOL ) No but I mean I am so close with my H that sometimes just being with him and going thru what is going on with me is better than a meeting, but do try to go to one....and HUG all the people you can, I was like that once...afraid to hug and my GF said just do it ...it feels so good....guess what SHE WAS RIGHT !!!

I too took awhile to go to a meeting and please do it at your own pace, don't push yourself into uncomfortable situations. though you are new to this you still have a sense as to what you are okay with.

i am just so glad you have your GF to talk to, My H...I did the same thing lied etc....and he stood by me Thank goodness because without him ....I would be nothing...may sound pathetic to some but he is my love and wants me to be okay, he is my rock so I never want to be at odds with him, I always work it out....without him , there would be no recovery for me.
I just love him that much and I love myself that much ...to know without his love I am just a shell.....
You have come along way in a short amount of time.....you have alot to be proud of

OHNameless86

Hey there dom and everyone else whose posted, i found this site by accident, and well, i started reading, i didnt want to make a new thread because im not ready to recover yet. Im inspired, but i, well, i dont know what to say, im at a toss up of what to do. ive always been doing some sort of drugs since i was 14, but it never really hurt my life in some of the way ive seen here (i know some of you will probably dispute this, in that case though, im blind to how it has affected me because i am good at moderation and control (thats probably the problem too, im blind to it)). anyway, thats not the point, the point is, i posted in here because i didnt realize that just from a short time of using something even more potent then weed that the end result can still be the same. you said you had only used it for about a month and it had done so much damage, ive never done heroin before, the worst ive done is smoke some rocks, but i disliked it and stuck to the less addictive (what i consider less addictive) things such as weed, mushrooms, and some pain killers or extasy when available (and cocaine on the random also, but that im more careful with cause its more addictive, yet i find myself easily able to do without it, i mistly like it because of the upper aspect). only my closest friends know what i do, and like you, i find i am able to hide it from anyone i meet, heck, you hid it for 5 years from your gf. but i havent felt guilty, i just wonder when it will hit me about what im doing to myself. i take breaks every now and then and i dont feel any cravings. am i just harder to crack? will i just break down someday i wonder as you did when you were on vacation? i know this post probably doesnt really belong here, but i felt a bit similar to doms case where i havent had a bad childhood or abuse so i feel a connection, but everythings just been fine.

i admire you for going to your parents and gf and telling them, that takes a lot, i couldnt do that, i would try to rid myself of everything and just hope to bury it witout it being known.

i also admire that youve been able to get some friends who were users to join you in your crusade. i think if i ever tried to do that my friends would just see me as a preacher and not want to see me anymore, and i dont want to stop seeing them, they have been my closest friends for ages.

anyway, im done with what i had to say, i think i got everything out. thanks for your story, i look forward to seeing more positive results.

Keep up the good work,
Noah

greeteachday

Hey Dom, I wanted to say hi - It's been a couple of days. I'm sorry you are struggling this week. It really isn't uncommon when the initial good feeling of getting off drugs hits, please don't feel alone. Drugs numb emotions, and when those emotions "defrost" they come back in a powerful way. This is a critical time, trying to learn to deal with those emotions again and with all the other feelings you have, now that you are clean.
Please try to focus on the positive - how great you are doing, how every step forward, although it may feel like a baby step, is a huge step! Look at today and don't worry about yesterday.
I wish you could consider a meeting. there are lots of open ones if yoy feel uncomfortable going to your first alone - perhaps Kate could join you. You don't have to talk, don't have to hug - don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with...promise! Both my daughters asked me to come with them to their first meeting - they were scared and nervous of what would happen and liked the idea of someone else there to ease the transition into the unknown. I did because they asked; it wasn't to be sure they went, and I'm glad I did. I took my husband to his first naranon meeting too, LOL. Now meetings are just a part of our lives; a part that my older daugher and my husband and I look forward to each week.
I hope you have a good day today...the sun is shining through after all the rain last night. I hope you can find the beauty and peace in life today. I hope you can keep reaching out...you WILL feel better. Much love

Dom

Thank you Anne Marie and everyone else. I feel great today, I'll give you a quick overview of my week: Monday through Wednesday I did NO work at all, and I'm lucky to still have my job (didn't get caught). I felt depression and anxiety at the same time. I was depressed whenever I talked to my GF or sent text messages back and forth. I had anxiety whenever I was around other people, I chose the stairs instead of the elevator, only when I was 110% exhausted did I use the elevator, and when the doors opened, I was either MORE anxious (if there were people) or HAPPY if the elevator was empty. Weird, I know.

Thursday morning was real bad, I didn't even get out of my car, I tried to sleep, woke up to see another text from my GF and drove to her job to get lunch. I felt better, that afternoon I did enough work to cover my butt for monday - wednesday. Today I was motivated all day (because I had a good time with my GF last night), I did enough work to cover my butt for thursday and friday.

Here's my state of mind right now, I am always aware that I am an addict. I think about it a lot, it's now a part of ME, I'm not denying it anymore.

Having the willpower to not use, makes me feel strong, and I like that feeling. I do not want to use drugs because they are bad for my health. I'm going to my doctor soon for a full checkup and I will (for the first time) be honest about my drug use.

My friends, are becoming less and less important to me each day. Today I view them as "bad memories" because all I did was use drugs with them. They do not love themselves, as I didn't.

But now, my life is an open book, and I love it like that. My parents don't look at me differently (which I feared), infact, I'm getting along with them. I can finally be honest with them about everything in my life.

Paying off my debt, little my little, makes me happy. I finally see how great of a job I have, that I make good money, and soon I will shopping around for an engagement ring for my GF. Getting high was not only numbing my bad emotions, it was numbing my happy emotions too.

I know that it COULD be a bad idea to put most of my emotion in my GF, but trust me, she is so mature, (23 going on 40) and we do love eachother. Tonight will be another great night with her.

Addiction will always be with me, I will always consider it the devil on my shoulder, but I have finally learned that feeding my addiction cannot make me happy. Doing the RIGHT thing will make me happy.

I was scheduled to go to a Casino for a bachelor party, I cancelled it. I am aware of my addiction, and right now, is not the right time to test myself. I HOPE that in the future I will be able to enjoy a couple drinks or a night of poker, but for now I won't even CHANCE it. I even discussed with my GF that if I ever get hurt again, she will hold on to my perscription, it will make me feel more relaxed.

What got me into hard drugs was this: I got hurt on the job (fiberglass inbedded in my eye from changing out filters) I was perscribed 20 Vicodins and that got me into the whole opiate thing. That happened about 1 month before I tried heroin. I used cocaine to be "cool" with my friends, they were using it for at least 6 months before I tried it.

I was always high hanging out with my friends (high, as in, killing my body). It pisses me off and makes me not want to see them. Last thing I said to my best friend was, "I'm doing what I gotta do, you do what you gotta do."

I'm sorry for this long post, but I'm trying to show you guys that my life has changed completely. It's more enjoyable than my life using drugs ever was.

When I do go to a meeting, it will be alone. Yesterday my friend wanted to get food before the meeting, when I said no, he said, "OK, after the meeting then." Right now I feel seeing them will only remind me of my old ways, I am thinking NEW and I want to stay that way.

Anna

I think recovery involves lots of changes in lifestyle and it sounds like you're experiencing some of those changes now, Dom.

Recovery also involves accepting what life hands us and dealing with it appropriately. For me, that means accepting that I can't control a lot of what goes on in my life. It's the Serenity Prayer - I try to manage what I can and to let go of what I can't control. And, I try to see the difference.

I am so happy to see your positive attitude.

2dayzmuse

I'm glad you are doing well and are making positive changes in your life. That is what needs to be done to stay sober. You are new in sobriety and I worry about how you will handle things when they are not going so well. I don't want to keep harping on this, but will power alone isn't enough to combat addiction. I hope you come up with some sober tools. I just want to try to prepare you for the worse. The disease can sneak up behind you and attack before you even know what hit you. There are many that can attest to that. It is scary...

Dom

Don't worry about harping, I know your looking out for me and I am very grateful for that. Like I said in a PM to lollipop, when that devil appears on my shoulder I'm going to smack him off and smile that I beat him.

My GF is an inspiration for me, she lost her brother 7 years ago in a car accident (we're going to visit his grave tomorrow). Did she escape her problems? No, she dealt with them and she is stronger because of it.

Sazzer

The issue of control has been coming up a lot in my life. We all think we can control our using/drinking, control not using/drinking, control our urges, control other people and situations. It's just part of the disease. I applaud your commitment thus far and I can only hope that your enthusiasm holds out and that you get all the good things you deserve. Your life is your own. I've said my piece about going to meetings and being aware of the sneaky demon. That's what I can do to help. But none of us can actually control what you do with your new found sobriety. That is your call. We'll be here whenever you need us!

2dayzmuse

I'm glad you and your GF have each other. Tomorrow may be a very emotional day and you may have to lean on one another for emotional strength.

qMatt

Dom....you don't have to be an ******* about the whole thing... I thought we were gonna get through this together. Instead you are being selfish, and you said just 2 days ago that you learn who your friends are. Guess all the support we have given you isn't appreciated and maybe we will talk some time again when you come to your senses.

Smyle

easy there....let's all just be civil okay....

Nikky

hey guys