First Post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
First Post
Hi all! You seem like such a friendly sort!
I'm here finally to take some first steps past reading books. And I look forward to going further.
About 2 years ago, after marriage ended, the nagging feeling of oddness with myself and my family origin bloomed. After more reading, and attending a single alanon meeting, I'm completely convinced I'm an acoa from a non-drinking family. There's just too much evidence, from no family history info, to known drinkers from my step-mother's side.
For now I have backed away from them all, to understand this, and to recover myself (more like start anew). I have moved out of state, getting new work soon, and I've already begun healthy directions. Exercise, nutrition, simple pleasures. I don't drink, have had problems in the past, and just want to go forward now.
The biggest thing I struggle with now is detaching from them, in my mind. Early days now, it's very easy to get tangled up in anger for all their problems (parents and brothers). I plan on going back to alanon and yet more personal counseling, as now in my 37th year have finally found what all this has been about. For the time being, I'm pretty alone, isolated, certainly not talking to any of my immediate family. So, I am here.
I'm here finally to take some first steps past reading books. And I look forward to going further.
About 2 years ago, after marriage ended, the nagging feeling of oddness with myself and my family origin bloomed. After more reading, and attending a single alanon meeting, I'm completely convinced I'm an acoa from a non-drinking family. There's just too much evidence, from no family history info, to known drinkers from my step-mother's side.
For now I have backed away from them all, to understand this, and to recover myself (more like start anew). I have moved out of state, getting new work soon, and I've already begun healthy directions. Exercise, nutrition, simple pleasures. I don't drink, have had problems in the past, and just want to go forward now.
The biggest thing I struggle with now is detaching from them, in my mind. Early days now, it's very easy to get tangled up in anger for all their problems (parents and brothers). I plan on going back to alanon and yet more personal counseling, as now in my 37th year have finally found what all this has been about. For the time being, I'm pretty alone, isolated, certainly not talking to any of my immediate family. So, I am here.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 224
Welcome to SR, we are so pleased to have you here with us..Let us know if there is anything we can help you with or to just listen..SR is a wonderful place to be..glad you are here, Keep coming back..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 491
Welcome to SR Zoro! We are all friends here and would love for you to become part of our family! I know it is hard but in the long run, it is all worth it! One day you will be strong enough to talk to your family again and be able to stand up for yourself and not fall into their destructive behavior but for now just know that we are here for you and that you will be a better person for the choices that you have made. Get that job and make new positive friends. Look for a meeting in the city where you are now and start making friends (positive & sober ones) that way. I wish you luck and keep coming beck & reading & posting!
GP
GP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Thanks
Thanks for all your responses. I feel a little less alone and isolated now
I feel I am more than strong enough to confront them (my parents)...it's that it would fall on deaf ears, and years of pent up anger would pour out of me. It's not the right time now, possibly ever. I've come to see that their version of "love" to me has been quite poisonous to me. Lot's of superficial words, promises, but hardly any action. I think deep dwn they have the feeling, they just don't have the skills to express it healthfully to me. For years ours infrequent conversations have been them talking about themselves, showing no interest in me. I have to literally interupt them to share myself, and that doesn't go over too well!
So how do I detach....stop getting all consumed with the anger of being let down (and other things) from the past? Any suggestions out there?
I feel I am more than strong enough to confront them (my parents)...it's that it would fall on deaf ears, and years of pent up anger would pour out of me. It's not the right time now, possibly ever. I've come to see that their version of "love" to me has been quite poisonous to me. Lot's of superficial words, promises, but hardly any action. I think deep dwn they have the feeling, they just don't have the skills to express it healthfully to me. For years ours infrequent conversations have been them talking about themselves, showing no interest in me. I have to literally interupt them to share myself, and that doesn't go over too well!
So how do I detach....stop getting all consumed with the anger of being let down (and other things) from the past? Any suggestions out there?
Naps are good.
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 181
Hi Zoro! Welcome to SR!
I know what you mean about having some pent up anger against family members. One thing that helps me is to try and remember that even though my parents screwed up in sooooooooooooo many ways, that they were also raised in dysfunctional houses by imperfect parents. Each generation seems to screw up the next. There are very few people who have had ideal childhoods. Most people come from some kind of dysfunctional family, but many people try to hide it. I think if more people would be honest about their problems that the rest of us would not feel so isolated. That's what I like about being at SR and going to AA meetings - it reminds me that we live in a fallen world and that so many other people are hurting besides me. I tend to get depressed really easily, so coming here and trying to be supportive to other people really helps me.
I hope this post helps a little bit. I confess that I still harbor some bitterness against family members too, but it is getting less and less.
I did try to talk to my parents about the things that hurt me. It didn't do much good. I just wanted them to apologize for some things ya know? I always apologize to my kids when I screw up. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I try to own up to those mistake and apologize when I hurt someone. Unfortunately not everyone will do that. But we are not responsible for their reactions (or lack thereof).
If they won't even listen to you or show interest in the things that you are interested in, then I think that is their loss. It shows that they are really wrapped up in themselves. They may not be willing to be honest with themselves and therefore they are not going to grow emotionally like you are.
Take care, and keep coming back!
I know what you mean about having some pent up anger against family members. One thing that helps me is to try and remember that even though my parents screwed up in sooooooooooooo many ways, that they were also raised in dysfunctional houses by imperfect parents. Each generation seems to screw up the next. There are very few people who have had ideal childhoods. Most people come from some kind of dysfunctional family, but many people try to hide it. I think if more people would be honest about their problems that the rest of us would not feel so isolated. That's what I like about being at SR and going to AA meetings - it reminds me that we live in a fallen world and that so many other people are hurting besides me. I tend to get depressed really easily, so coming here and trying to be supportive to other people really helps me.
I hope this post helps a little bit. I confess that I still harbor some bitterness against family members too, but it is getting less and less.
I did try to talk to my parents about the things that hurt me. It didn't do much good. I just wanted them to apologize for some things ya know? I always apologize to my kids when I screw up. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes, but I try to own up to those mistake and apologize when I hurt someone. Unfortunately not everyone will do that. But we are not responsible for their reactions (or lack thereof).
If they won't even listen to you or show interest in the things that you are interested in, then I think that is their loss. It shows that they are really wrapped up in themselves. They may not be willing to be honest with themselves and therefore they are not going to grow emotionally like you are.
Take care, and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Zoro:
What worked for me was alot of things but going to Alanon and working the steps with a sponsor really helped me free myself from my past..
I have learned alot of great tools in Alanon and changed my thinking as well...
I've also done some life coaching and therapy..what ever works for you.
What worked for me was alot of things but going to Alanon and working the steps with a sponsor really helped me free myself from my past..
I have learned alot of great tools in Alanon and changed my thinking as well...
I've also done some life coaching and therapy..what ever works for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Thank you Dawn
I can relate to everything you said. In my marriage I was a step-dad for 2 lovely girls for the 3 years we lasted. The relationship with them was less challenging than with my wife, and I too valued setting the best example I could for them (like owning up to mistakes, being ethical too).
I appreciate your time and attention Dawn.
I can relate to everything you said. In my marriage I was a step-dad for 2 lovely girls for the 3 years we lasted. The relationship with them was less challenging than with my wife, and I too valued setting the best example I could for them (like owning up to mistakes, being ethical too).
I appreciate your time and attention Dawn.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
Good Morning Zoro,How are things today? I can totally relate on the parent thing as my Dad fits everything you said!!! I could go in to details but we will save that for another show LOL.
Sometimes, anger is a good thing when expressed right. The part about having to interrupt them to talk about you really strikes a chord for me, I can relate. I wonder if they even realize they are doing this?! Family does not have to come from blood relatives, I have a very close-knit family of friends and love them as if they were of my own blood.
Keep focusing on YOU and what you need, be honest with yourself and others, you will feel better for it! I am learning this myself here lately!
Keep us posted!!! I hope you have a great day!
Liss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Fuster-
First, Im originally from WA, and Auburn is a nice place! I think you're missing the heat wave most of the country is getting?
To answer your question...I'm not sure. I freely admit I've abused alcohol in my marriage, and that was not good for the marriage to say the least. Since then (last 3 years) I've been cautious with drinking. I don't like to get drunk, and I don't associate with people who drink, get drunk, get hung over, think its fun...then do it again the next night. I've just finished 10 months working on a cruise ship, where 90% of the crew (management too) lived that lifestyle. I decided not to drink alcohol at all, and stuck to my decision-except for esspresso and Nyquil.
However, at the end of last contract, my next to last day, I was taken out on ship for a final dinner, and lots of drinks were bought for me, which I drank, got sick, and took that as a reminder that as an acoa I'm high risk for alcoholism, and the winning move is not to play. And for the last 2 months, NO Nyquil, 90% cutback on the coffee too. Its been water, gatorade, and exercise instead.
That was a kinda long winded answer to your question!!
First, Im originally from WA, and Auburn is a nice place! I think you're missing the heat wave most of the country is getting?
To answer your question...I'm not sure. I freely admit I've abused alcohol in my marriage, and that was not good for the marriage to say the least. Since then (last 3 years) I've been cautious with drinking. I don't like to get drunk, and I don't associate with people who drink, get drunk, get hung over, think its fun...then do it again the next night. I've just finished 10 months working on a cruise ship, where 90% of the crew (management too) lived that lifestyle. I decided not to drink alcohol at all, and stuck to my decision-except for esspresso and Nyquil.
However, at the end of last contract, my next to last day, I was taken out on ship for a final dinner, and lots of drinks were bought for me, which I drank, got sick, and took that as a reminder that as an acoa I'm high risk for alcoholism, and the winning move is not to play. And for the last 2 months, NO Nyquil, 90% cutback on the coffee too. Its been water, gatorade, and exercise instead.
That was a kinda long winded answer to your question!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Hi Lollipop!
Hope you've had a good day as well, or going to if you read this in the morning.
My day was...ok-ish. Everything is great except I haven't got a job yet. After my cruise ship job (I knew it was going to be short-term) I've moved here, got an apartment, setting up a healthy lifestyle. ANd for the last month now I'm 0-5 on job applications I've applied for 6 more now, and more on the was soon. It's frustrating to wait for them to contact me. I'm abut 2 months from running out of $, and now I'm willing to do anything for work. So, it's one day at a time.
By the way I'm very partial to Rottweilers, my parents had a few of them(18) after they moved out of the city. I read up on Rotts a bit, and enjoyed them individually and as a group. They're so loyal!!!
Hope you've had a good day as well, or going to if you read this in the morning.
My day was...ok-ish. Everything is great except I haven't got a job yet. After my cruise ship job (I knew it was going to be short-term) I've moved here, got an apartment, setting up a healthy lifestyle. ANd for the last month now I'm 0-5 on job applications
I've applied for 6 more now, and more on the was soon. It's frustrating to wait for them to contact me. I'm abut 2 months from running out of $, and now I'm willing to do anything for work. So, it's one day at a time.By the way I'm very partial to Rottweilers, my parents had a few of them(18) after they moved out of the city. I read up on Rotts a bit, and enjoyed them individually and as a group. They're so loyal!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 859
good morning!!!Hang in there on the job thing, something will turn up! Glad you had a good day, Im in Ohio and the weather here has been the pits, hot and muggy every day so my allergies are at an all time high and Ive been walking around with a constent headache! (I hate Ohio) but other then that, all is good. Like ya said, one day at a time!!! On the rotties.......I would LOVE to have a pack but unfortunately, I just dont have the room anymore. They are my favorite breed as well. I am going to breed Atticus when the bitch comes into heat here soon and I am SOOOOOOO excited!!!! I am getting pick of the litter instead of a stud fee!!! A new rottie puppy running around!!! YAY!!! Atticus is just one big spoiled baby though, loyal and regal but SPOILED LOL!!! I wouldnt trade him for all the money in the world!!!! Have a great Day!!!
Liss
Welcome to SR Zoro!Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Mishelly-
It has been very difficult at times to not drink alcohol, especially when I'm alone. I think for me the attractions were feeling numb when under maximum stress, and something to do when I was bored, but I was always sober on the job. And I like to try new things, from foods to drinks. While I miss exploring new drink tastes, I just sense I'm tiptoeing on the edge of a cliff.
After reading my acoa books, namely Woititz, identifying with most of the traits (even though neither of my parents drank abusively around me), the mountain of circumstantial evidence of alcoholism in my family tree has motivated me not to drink. Its been like an unseen adversary, but I see its effects now, and I'm very motivated now not be a part of it.
Did that help? Can you relate to any of that?
It has been very difficult at times to not drink alcohol, especially when I'm alone. I think for me the attractions were feeling numb when under maximum stress, and something to do when I was bored, but I was always sober on the job. And I like to try new things, from foods to drinks. While I miss exploring new drink tastes, I just sense I'm tiptoeing on the edge of a cliff.
After reading my acoa books, namely Woititz, identifying with most of the traits (even though neither of my parents drank abusively around me), the mountain of circumstantial evidence of alcoholism in my family tree has motivated me not to drink. Its been like an unseen adversary, but I see its effects now, and I'm very motivated now not be a part of it.
Did that help? Can you relate to any of that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Colorado
Posts: 154
Fuster-
Wanting help to stay off alcohol, and other things. As a type3 acoa I've had plenty of other addictions in my life, but I wouldn't say alcohol is the primary one. Tough to admit anywhere, but the main one has been a fetish since age 7...30 years now. The nyquil on the ship was real, used it to sleep and numb out when there so much nonsense going on around me. I've been leaning on addiction crutches most of my life, but the denial is off now, the light is on. I've tried to free myself of all these things on my own before, but didn't last. I think mostly because I didn't know what the underlying source was (acoa), and wasn't in any kind of group for support.
I will get into a alanon type group, not just this one here. I value reading the posts here, it is encouraging to identify with alot of you, and offer encouragement back.
Wanting help to stay off alcohol, and other things. As a type3 acoa I've had plenty of other addictions in my life, but I wouldn't say alcohol is the primary one. Tough to admit anywhere, but the main one has been a fetish since age 7...30 years now. The nyquil on the ship was real, used it to sleep and numb out when there so much nonsense going on around me. I've been leaning on addiction crutches most of my life, but the denial is off now, the light is on. I've tried to free myself of all these things on my own before, but didn't last. I think mostly because I didn't know what the underlying source was (acoa), and wasn't in any kind of group for support.
I will get into a alanon type group, not just this one here. I value reading the posts here, it is encouraging to identify with alot of you, and offer encouragement back.
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