how to do grief without alcohol???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Enid OK
Posts: 39
how to do grief without alcohol???
I haven't been here in a long time. I tried before. I was going to AA and it was ok. Even after my husband went to Greenland, it was so hard to be without him. When he died over there, I just can't cope with him gone. I can't believe my life is gone. I want to stop the alcohol but, I can't deal with the pain, the loneliness. I want my life back and can't do anything in the world to bring it back. The love of my life has died and all I want to do is not feel it.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Spooky)))
Numbing grief doesn't make it go away... it just "puts it off" to a time when you don't expect it and have even fewer resources to deal with it.
Quick story -
A friend of mine cut her knee quite badly while she was in active addiction. She slapped a bandaid on the wound and tried to "forget about it". But, because of her drinking, she forgot about the bandaid... and the wound started to heal around the edges of the bandaid. When she finally realized it wasn't healed... and when it might have otherwised healed long ago, she went to the doc who cut the bandaid out of her knee. It was painful, infected and took even longer to heal - leaving an ugly scar.
That story is what I think of when I think of numbing grief, or trying to avoid the healing tears.
For me, grief was like a lightning bolt - the shape of one that you drew as a kid. It was horrid, terrible and excruciatingly painful... I thought the pain would last forever.
And when I realized one day that the pain was getting better... I had horrid feelings of guilt because I thought perhaps I had forgotten my precious loved one ... that the only reason I was able to function was because she was fading from my mind. (She is still in my mind, I didn't lose her. No one does.)
But the clutching, falling feeling does give way to something more bearable.... and every day that I felt better, it was like I was moving up the slope of that lightning bolt.
Then something happened, and I slid down and down and down.... but not ALL the way down. I never did slide ALL the way back to where I started. And again, things were bad for a while, then they got better.... every day a little more.
And I would have a bad moment, or something would trigger my grief, and it would plummet... only this time NOT as far as before.
This happened a few times.
But over time.... and it was longer than I expected... over time, I got better.
Because I allowed myself to let the grief happen. And I knew that those bad days were coming, and that I could and WOULD survive - because others before me had done so.
Grief is very horrible. But it is survivable.
I wish you the best.
Numbing grief doesn't make it go away... it just "puts it off" to a time when you don't expect it and have even fewer resources to deal with it.
Quick story -
A friend of mine cut her knee quite badly while she was in active addiction. She slapped a bandaid on the wound and tried to "forget about it". But, because of her drinking, she forgot about the bandaid... and the wound started to heal around the edges of the bandaid. When she finally realized it wasn't healed... and when it might have otherwised healed long ago, she went to the doc who cut the bandaid out of her knee. It was painful, infected and took even longer to heal - leaving an ugly scar.
That story is what I think of when I think of numbing grief, or trying to avoid the healing tears.
For me, grief was like a lightning bolt - the shape of one that you drew as a kid. It was horrid, terrible and excruciatingly painful... I thought the pain would last forever.
And when I realized one day that the pain was getting better... I had horrid feelings of guilt because I thought perhaps I had forgotten my precious loved one ... that the only reason I was able to function was because she was fading from my mind. (She is still in my mind, I didn't lose her. No one does.)
But the clutching, falling feeling does give way to something more bearable.... and every day that I felt better, it was like I was moving up the slope of that lightning bolt.
Then something happened, and I slid down and down and down.... but not ALL the way down. I never did slide ALL the way back to where I started. And again, things were bad for a while, then they got better.... every day a little more.
And I would have a bad moment, or something would trigger my grief, and it would plummet... only this time NOT as far as before.
This happened a few times.
But over time.... and it was longer than I expected... over time, I got better.
Because I allowed myself to let the grief happen. And I knew that those bad days were coming, and that I could and WOULD survive - because others before me had done so.
Grief is very horrible. But it is survivable.
I wish you the best.
I'm a Pickle
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 300
I luckily have never lost a loved one, but I sympathize with you and will say a prayer for you. It has to be so hard. For me, however, I try to never drink when I am sad - it only makes it worse in the end.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
Spooky. Sorry to read about your husband and my sympathies.
I have lost grandparents to ald age but never someone to death as close as a husband.
But then, i realized something. And i am no way comparing this to you. Just a relation, if you will.
I got divorced. And instead of dealing with the loss and grief that i should have felt, i drank my sorrows away for a good year, dwelling on everything. I should have been putting a plan into action, remembering the good, whatever. Instead, i lived with the bottle every chance I got. And I realized that because i never got counselling and couldnt see past my way pain reliever, that it took me twice as long to overcome losing someone i really cared for. I know its different from losing someone to dying and thats why i cant tell you how you should feel. I can only tell you as much as you want to be alone right now, drinking, not eating, crying, mourning, to allow people into your life for support. To help you deal with your sorrrow and anger and denial, when it comes and then to help you grow strong again. Its gonna take some time but the pain you feel without the alcohol is real. With the alcohol, you may not feel it at first, but after a couple it will intensify and you will feel more pain than you can imagine. And it will turn into a difficult cycle.
I wish you the best and hope that you will be ok.
merytl
I have lost grandparents to ald age but never someone to death as close as a husband.
But then, i realized something. And i am no way comparing this to you. Just a relation, if you will.
I got divorced. And instead of dealing with the loss and grief that i should have felt, i drank my sorrows away for a good year, dwelling on everything. I should have been putting a plan into action, remembering the good, whatever. Instead, i lived with the bottle every chance I got. And I realized that because i never got counselling and couldnt see past my way pain reliever, that it took me twice as long to overcome losing someone i really cared for. I know its different from losing someone to dying and thats why i cant tell you how you should feel. I can only tell you as much as you want to be alone right now, drinking, not eating, crying, mourning, to allow people into your life for support. To help you deal with your sorrrow and anger and denial, when it comes and then to help you grow strong again. Its gonna take some time but the pain you feel without the alcohol is real. With the alcohol, you may not feel it at first, but after a couple it will intensify and you will feel more pain than you can imagine. And it will turn into a difficult cycle.
I wish you the best and hope that you will be ok.
merytl
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you...... ((((Spooky)))))
Also, I have to ask--how would your husband feel about what you are doing? Just something to think about....
Also, I have to ask--how would your husband feel about what you are doing? Just something to think about....
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