|
I need insight, thoughts, encouragement, anything! please. Today, I tried to contact an old friend who I was really close with. I destroyed that relationship because of my drinking. The night that ended the friendship started with me drinking a few beers to 'relax'. Well, when I finished off what I had, I decided that I wasn't relaxed to my satisfaction so I called him and asked him if we would bring me some more beer so I wouldn't have to go out to get it. He stopped by and delivered my beer. We talked for a short while and it was embarrassing because I was slurring my words when I talked. Well, he left and I then immediately finished off the beer that he brought. I was really drunk by this time. Later, after I finished all the beer, I called him and he ended up hanging up on me probably because I sounded really drunk. I got angry and called him back leaving a really nasty voicemail on his phone. I really let him have it-- I cussed him out and I told him that he was a loser and he would always be a loser. I NEVER MEANT ANY OF THAT!!!! I was drunk and didn't have control over my thoughts and mind at the time. He never forgave me for hurting him. It tore me up that I broke his heart like that. He knows that I'm sorry but he still holds it against me. He is an old friend that I would really like to make amends with and a chance to maybe rebuild our friendship. I really hurt him that night but I wasn't myself. I was under the control of alcohol but it was still me who said those words so I take responsibility for that and own it. I hope that one day he will realize that I'm sorry that hurting him and maybe he can forgive me. I will need to make an amends with him when I get to that point, but I don't know how I can make an amends that would make up for the pain I caused him. :( |
I also need to add that I accept that I'm powerless over his decision and I can't control the outcome. I can accept the outcome even if our friendship is permanently destroyed. The thing that I can't get past is the guilt that I really hurt him. I'll always know that I was the one who destroyed the friendship with my drinking. I am not a naturally mean person so just by knowing that my words and actions caused pain to him, brings pain into my own heart. I feel like such a monster to hurt him like that! That is the real part that haunts me........ I miss him and our friendship. :( Now, the drinking and drugs are gone but he is gone also........and there isn't anything I can do to fix this except stay sober. |
I can relate to doing that to many people during my drinking episodes, i certainly am sorry that you are feeling this way..since i haven't began my amends process i really can't advise you on anything, but i hope it all works out in the end and that he can find it in his heart to forgive you and realize that it wasn't you talking but the alcohol..Good luck to you..take care.. |
i do know that forgiving ourselves for our actions when we are active users is one of the hardest things to do..i still am trying to forgive myself for so many things, but like you, i keep in mind that i am not the person i was on alcohol, i am the person i am now in sobriety, and hurting someone is not in my nature..i am a very giving and accepting person, just as you are..please try to forgive yourself..it wasn't you talking and hurting someone..it was the disease..take care.. |
Hi Hope4life, Thanks for starting this thread. I havn't started the process of making amends either, and I have no advice. Reading this thread is good for me because I really know about guilt. When I think about the amends process, I have alot of fear about how I might feel when I start going about it. I didn't quite appologize to my room mate from college, but I came close. In an email, I admitted to him that "it was selfish of me to be such a party animal when we lived together". He didn't reply. I did unspeakable things which affected him in a negative way. He is a straight laced Christian guy. I get very uncomfortable thinking about this..... I could go on and list a bunch of horrible things I've done to others here. I'm afraid of doing my 4th step because I know I have alot of things which I can feel guilty for. I'll share a similar story with you... I had a falling out with a "business partner". I was crazy with drinking, pills and smoking alot of weed. I was also parinoid that he was conspiring against me. His mother was dying of cancer at the time. In a drunken rage, I called and left a horrible message on his answering machine about his mother. I doubt he will ever forgive me, but I am very very sorry. His mother died shortly afterward. I know I really crossed the line, and although I've apologized, I'm not sure I've been forgiven. I forgive myself. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism, and this was a direct result of my disease. I can't obsess over the past, nor shut the door on it. I've hurt lots of other people too, but I won't go into detail here. I've hurt people I've loved. I need to find forgivness for myself. Also, I hope in the span of my life, I can do more good than the evil I've done. The best thing any of us can do is to stay sober. I hope you can forgive yourself, and I hope you can stay sober as well. Thanks for sharing, and thanks for giving me this opportunity to share as well. chip |
Cheryl, you will always be in my prayers. I will never lose faith in you. Hang in there. |
Hey Hope4, Just my opinion but, I would give him a call and at least leave a VM. Tell him that you are sorry and that since that time you have realized that you have a problem with alcohol and that you have quit drinking and sought out help. Tell him that you know that this can never make up for how you hurt him but that you wanted him to know that you are getting help and that you hope that someday you and he can try to be friends again. Something like that anyway. At least let him know that you are aware of your problem and are getting help and have veen quit for however long (sorry, I can't remember). Good luck!!! GP |
I think the 12 Steps of AA are to be used in the order they were written. When I did that...the answers came. What step are you on Hope? 4&5 deals with guilt and firgiving yourself. Then... here is 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Hugs |
:Val004: Hope Im with GP on this one, I would give him a call, write an email and tag it so you know when it has been read, stop by his house etc. Whichever you decide, start off with something like "Please, just give me 3 minutes of your time" and then tell him what you have told us. That you are in recovery, that it wasnt the real you that night etc. Then leave it to him to decide if things can be patched up. Meanwhile, try to forgive yourself, your right, it wasnt you that night, it was your disease. Stay strong!!! :Val004: Love Liss |
Hi Hope, I did my eighth step with my sponsor and am getting ready to make my first amends. I've needed the guidance of my sponsor who has done the eighth and ninth to help me through this. The guilt is there for me, but much less since doing my fourth and fifth. Those have helped me understand my disease and begin to forgive myself for the bad things I did while drunk. Luckily the steps can lead us through repariing or at least living in peace with this kind of damage. Jup. |
Some amends will be accepted and we'll be forgiven; others won't. I'm with Carol and Jupiter on this one. Our character defects can cleave to us, even in the amends process, if we don't deal with them first. A sponsor who's worked the steps herself, understands the process and has had that "aha!" moment of understanding as to why we do things in order can help you in this. My best friend of.....thirty-three years now...wow!....was on my amends list. I hurt her with words, and I did a real bang-up job of it. I was vicious. I didn't make amends to her until I was two years sober, not because it took that long to get to the ninth step, but because part of my amends to her was my sobriety. I knew her well. She's a real "show me" kind of person. For me to ask her forgiveness any sooner would have been just words. When I came to her at two years, it demonstrated committment and sincerity in my program. I told her why I waited. She said I was right -- that any sooner, she would have said, "Yeah, whatever." The amends were for me. I don't know that I could have handled a "yeah, whatever" from her. So, as difficult as it was to wait, I prayed for the patience to keep on keepin' on until the time was right. I prayed for God's will, and God provided the opportunity at the right time. I only share that because I've talked to others who have had a similar experience as yours, and also a similar experience as mine. Words can be perceived as cheap, and usually are, if they're not accompanied by actions. An amends is a repayment. What currency, other than words, have you put into this amends? I'm always praying for you, Cheryl. Always. Keep on keepin' on. Peace & Love, Sugah |
Im also with Carol and Jupiter. Making amends,has nothing at all to do with the other person,how they respond,etc,,etc..Or wanting anything from them at all.To have no expectaions,on my part..To be ready to recieve the conquences of my actions.Its about my amends,to them,my,being sincere,.Hopefully they will forgive me,and if they do,thats a blessing and a bonus.But i cant have any expectations,or hopes that all will be well.Because some folks,cant or wont forgive.Some hurt so much,from my actions,of my past,for which i am responsible,whether drunk or sober,that after making my sincere,amends to them,i pray for their peace of mind and heart. |
So much good advice here... I hope you feel better Hope! |
Cheryl sweetie you need to get a sponsor and start working the steps in order.....starting with step 1. You are putting the cart before the horse. As Carol said, the steps are written in order for a reason. By the time you get to step 9 you will have forgiven yourself and will be prepared to do your amends whenever the opportunity presents itself. Now is a GREAT time to get a sponsor Cheryl and to USE YOUR SPONSOR, lol. Things will become clearer with the help of a sponsor, I Promise. J M H O Love and (((((to all))))), |
How are you doing Hope? |
I just feel that this is something that has been bothering you for a while and you seem as though that this is something that is causing a "hang up" for you. Maybe you could get on with your recovery if you just told the person that you are "working on you" but you do realize that you hurt him and you are very sorry and when you get to a good place then maybe you can work on your friendship again. I just feel as though this is a blockade for you in your journey to recovery and that you would feel better if you got this off of your chest. GP |
He knows that I'm sorry but he still holds it against me. and there isn't anything I can do to fix this except stay sober. |
These responses are absolutely amazing, thoughtful, and helpful. Thank you all! I am taking all of this to heart. I did send him an email yesterday explaining that it wasn't me and that when I was drinking, I was something entirely different that what I am sober. Probably more like a monster when drinking. I was surprised that he wrong me back even though he is angry. He said he will call me today when he gets off work so we can discuss it. I'm kind of nervous about it but this will give me a good chance to talk it over and explain the truth. |
Ok. I am gonna take a shot here and i am just gonna be blunt. Hope- Everyone who suggests in the above posts to grab a sponser has been through this. I have not. But i do know that i have done some pretty rotten drunken things and said a lot of hurtful things. And the next day, when i was sober, i spent the day, before the next drink, thinking on how i could apologize. And most people would accept. But the longer it went on, such a repetive stage, the more my loved ones would either brush it off because they knew what was coming or not speak to me for a bit because they were tired of the same crap. To me, it seems that this incident that you are speaking of was a one time thing. And it has hurt you to know that you hurt someone else, which is a great deal of unforgiveness in your self to carry around. JUst my opinion: CAll your friend and leave a message: "Hi so and so, this is Hope. Listen, the last time i left a message for you, i was at a difficult spot and acted like a jerk and i didnt mean a word of it. I realize now that i am an alcoholic and am working so hard to make my life right. You will never know how much it hurts me to know that i hurt you and I just wanted to apologize because i miss our friendship and i know i was wrong. If you can find it in your heart to forgive myself and my actions and put aside the past, I would be happy to have my friend back." If you dont receive an answer, you know that he is not ready to accept or that maybe he has his own issues to deal with. But it wouldnt hurt to try if makes your heart happy and it is genuinly upsetting you. I wish you luck and i know you will be alright because you have strength and sobriety and you can do whatever you put your mind to. mertyl |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:22 AM. |