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When it's both of you

Old 07-12-2006, 09:48 AM
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When it's both of you

Hi Everyone,
I really need some advise right now!! Both me and my husband are alcoholics. We started out drinking on Saturday nights and then it progressed to every night. I have tried many times to quit and each time I do he will bring me a new bottle of rum and say after this I won't buy you more. I have never bough my own bottles. The day never comes! I always try to talk with him about our problem and he will never respond. He is not a talker and we are like roommates now. No sex, no going anywhere at night after 7pm. It is all about going to work getting home and drinking. This has went on now for over 6 years. I have a plan and want to make sure I'm not crazy or being cruel. BTW, we have one daughter who is now 10 and I have never discussed this problem with her until yesterday. She has never seen us fight so I sat her down and explained what we were going to do. Thank God she is OK with my plan. I found a job in another city and have saved enough money to get stared. I will not tell my husband I am leaving either. I feel as long as we are together we will continue to feed off each other and neither one of us will change. I have no one to talk with right now and I hope someone will help me.
Thank you very much.
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:08 AM
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Good to meet you here, nice2nou,
You've come to a good place to begin the changes you know you need to make. Curious if you've read the basic AA text. Alcohol isn't my DoC, so I quote from the NA text which is invaluable material to a recovering addict, as the AA text is for recovering alcoholics. (same thing, different drug you understand.)

From chapter 1 "Why are we Here?"
...We were looking for a way out. We couldn't face life on life's terms. In the beginning, using was fun. For us using became a habit and finally was necessary for survival. The progression of the disease was not apparent to us. We continued on the path of destructon, unaware of where it was leading us. We were addicts and did not know it. Through drugs, we tried to avoid reality, pain and misery. When the drugs wore off, we realized that we still had the same problems, and they were becoming worse.

...Some of us sought a cure by geographic change. We blamed our surroundings and living situations for our problems...Some of us sought approval through sex or change of friends...some of us tried marriage, divorce, or desertion. Regardless of what we tried, we could not escape our disease.

We reached a point in our lives where we felt like a lost cause...we didn't know what to do. We were sick and tired of the pain and trouble. We were frightened and ran from the fear. No matter how far we ran, we always carried fear with us."

It goes on, to explain that it NEED NOT BE THIS WAY. You never need to use again, and you have it within your reach right now, where you are, to learn HOW to do this. I hope to begin, you'll pick up a copy of the AA or NA basic text and read it, BEFORE making any radical moves. The power is within you to make the changes, regardless of anything outside of you. Know we're here to offer you any support, information, or encouragement you may request. There are a LOT of people out there, right within your own locale, ready and willing to help. Please do reach out, rather than run away.
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:15 AM
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Thank you for caring and maybe I should explain why I am leaving without telling him. I have a grown daughter who is now 26 who I had to watch 24-7 around him. Yes.. he is abusive in bed at night! Over the 4th he kicked me off the bed and almost pulled my ear off. People do things when they are drunk that they would never do sober. I will not wait until he get's too drunk and does something to my daughter he will regret. I have tried to leave in the past and he cut off all my accounts and cell phone and found me at my family's house and took my car. It's hard to tell your whole life story in one paragraph.
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:45 AM
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You sound to me like a woman who knows what she's doing. If my husband was in any way physically abusive I would also slip away and get MY act together without giving him a head's up.

Keep posting! Always someone here. I hope you can get into a program soon. Don't forget you can go to an emergency room for alcohol detox if your blood pressure goes up OR if you have increased anxiety and nervousness.

Good for you that you see the handwriting on the wall and are taking care of yourself and your kid. You Go Girl!
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:15 AM
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[nice2nou]. Great big hug.

You're not crazy. From what you've shared, your actions in moving out with your daughter are self-defence. Go. Now.

You are cruel. Once you've moved out and obtained the appropriate restraining order and he gets it through his thick head that you're not coming back, your action will fit the dictionary definition of "cruel". I looked it up at dictionary.com. I still very much approve of your action. Do it now. How cruel is he to you? What are you supposed to do, wait til he puts you in hospital with no ear and a raped daughter? Do it now. Perhaps a better word is drastic. I'm not going to look up that word, but it is a drastic, life-changing act. Doesn't your life need changing? Of course, I suggest you quit drinking, and get the help of AA and Al-Anon. Make Alateen or Alatot available to your daughter. Professional counselling for both of you may also be a good idea.

Your first priority, I think, should be safety for yourself and your daughter. Now, sweetheart. If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I've been sober over 17 1/2 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:21 AM
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Reach Out and Touch Faith
 
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There are some great people in the family and friends forums. You might want to check them out as well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:31 AM
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when it't both of you!

CONGRATULATION!!!!

You deserve the best you can find! Your courage and strenght are amazing! Me being a recovering drug addict with 12 years now, I know how hard it is! No matter what the addiction! Keep your daughter safe so that she has a chance to not follow in her family foot steps! You are a great mom to sit down and talk to her! It will let her know that she can come to you as well! YEAH! I am very excited for you!

Deenmc:
banana:
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:58 AM
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Did I miss something here? This thread begin "Both me and my husband are alcoholics."
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Old 07-12-2006, 12:26 PM
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Thanks everyone! It made me cry when I read your responses. Aloneagainor, your right to bring up the fact that, I too am an alcoholic. When I left him before I did not drink and I will make it my first priority when I leave this time to stay clean. I have 2 days sober today (not much but better than yesterday). I am in no way putting the blame for my drinking on my husband. But I can't help him if I can't help myself. I'm also tired of being his mother. He should stand up and be the man and take control of his family instead of letting it go down the toilet. My mother put up with this kind of situation for years. And all be d___ if I have to. I've heard it said many times in my family the woman can build up her house or tear it down. This is soooo true. If I do not change my behavior than I am no better than the abuser, I am an abuser.
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Old 07-12-2006, 12:35 PM
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Congratulations Nice2nou on your two days of sobriety and putting you and your daughter first. If you are afraid of him finding you again, maybe you could go to a shelter? Your family knows what you are attempting and they would at least know that you are safe. Who knows how he will react once he has a few drinks? I wish you the best and hope that you will keep us posted so we know that you are safe. Take care.
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Old 07-12-2006, 01:59 PM
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I am so sorry for your situation and I am so glad that you are making the decision to leave your husband. That is clearly a dangerous situation for you and for your daughter. It's great that you recognize this now and leave. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.
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Old 07-12-2006, 04:18 PM
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Nice2nou- Really, i wish you nothing but the best. You said something important here and if i could figure out how to use this darn computer, i would carry the qupte down. "How can i help him if I can't help myself."
Without sounding mean, your first priority right now, needs to be yourself. And your daughter(s). I understand it is really, really hard to let go, albeit temporary or permanantly of someone you love. But you have made an important discovery. And if your mom has already been through it, i always say Moms Know Best, even if you want to scream at them for what happened while you were growing up and the things they put themselves through in front of you.
Congratulations on your 2 days. It is better than no days and a first step in the right direction. You will need to be in a clear state of mind in order to follow through with your plan and to protect your self and your daughter. And remember, your daughter sees how you are handling things and what you are going through and has high expectations that you will succeed because you are her mom.
PLEASE TAKE THIS ADVICE- When you go, wipe this site from your computer and the cookie files. If you are serious in following your plan, you dont need any trails if you dont wish to be found. I know it sounds crazy but you need to cover all bases.


Stay strong and focused
Ask the big guy upstairs for strength and support and remember to write down the site address in a safe spot so you can check in.

God Bless
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Old 07-12-2006, 06:47 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Prayers coming your way...

In the front of your phone book
look for a Deomestic Abuse Hotline

Please call and speak with them.

You are not alone
2 Days! : Super!
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Old 07-13-2006, 04:06 PM
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Thanks for the support! 3 days sober, but still stuck at home. I don't start my job for a week. Just wish I could leave now! Anyways...keep the postive in mind huh?
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Old 07-13-2006, 05:06 PM
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yes, very important to try to focus forward and not dwell on what currently is.
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Old 07-13-2006, 05:13 PM
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4/23/2006 and counting
 
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Wow -- does your story sound familiar. My husband and I were in the same position as you guys are. I even found my self either subconsciously or intentionally sabotaging our marriage (picking fights, suggesting he work late, paying bills late) because I thought if we started to hate each other, that would make a divorce less painful.

My husband was an angry (although not violent) drunk. He'd just get more and more agitated until some little thing (like the kitchen trash can needing to go to the garbage bin) would make him explode. Yelling, red and sweaty faced, intimidating me with his size and implications. Finally, I couldn't take it any more -- I was scared our boys would actually see him freak out one of these days (it was ordinarily after they went to bed) or I would kill myself and leave the kids with my parents. One day when AH was out carousing, I called my dad and asked him to come get the kids and I. I took the dog and the boys and went to my parents. My AH moved his stuff out the next day, to go stay in a friends' rental that was currently unoccupied. I stayed with my parents for several days, then went back to my home. During the next few weeks, I only communicated with AH via email, and he only saw the kids via his parents. He ended up getting clean and getting in AA, I got sober as well and we're getting marriage counselling, as well as me getting treatment for what was a 2-year severe depression.

As terrible as it was to leave my home, then come back and see our closet empty of all his things, to put our boys and both of our sets of parents through, I am happy that it happened. It's only been just under 90 days since my husband moved back home, but we've made some very positive changes. No alcohol. Attending church. Seeing the marriage counselor. Things are still a long way from being fixed, but we're making forward progress; the change in our kids is remarkable -- they are so much happier and more relaxed. I very well may have been dead by this time; I couldn't take the pain and misery of being 2 drunks missing our opportunity to be great parents and great people, and I was pretty much ready to end it.

I have great sympathy for your position; you're making the right choice, no matter how absolutely wretched it makes you feel. Make sure to get help with your alcoholism, and maybe see a doc about underlying depression that is quite likely to be present after all these years. If you still love your husband (the one you originally fell in love with, the one you know is under all the alcohol), make sure you find a good marriage counsellor and use it. We had spent so long just knowing we had a perfect marriage, we did absolutely nothing to nurture it; when trying times came to pass, we had no tools whatsoever to work through them in a rational, kind manner. Now, as I mentioned, things are not all peachy. We do actually make each other laugh from time to time, call during the day, go do something and have fun, for the 1st time in ages. We're doing all we can to make a better life for our kids and ourselves.

Have courage and do it for you and for the wife your daughter will one day be.
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Old 07-13-2006, 09:29 PM
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Thanks Mrs. Woogie,
I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. Me and my husband have been married for over 20 years. We have had many more years of happy days until alcohol entered our lives. We used to fish and camp all the time on weekends with no need to get drunk. I think people just loose their self's when they enter alcohol into a relationship. He never touched me until we drank and always gave me anything I wanted and cared for me when I was sick. I just feel sorry for the fact that I let it go on this long! He has 50% blame to cope with too! This is why separation is a necessity. He has to loose everything to realize I am not kidding around. I will choose my daughter over him. He will do the right thing and if he does not then this will be his loss not mine! Thanks for your story it helps me to hear of others going through the same situation.
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