How to tell a close friend about your disease?
 

So I have a friend that I am rather close to. I have known her for about 2 years now and we have grown into kindred spirits. There is one thing though, she knows nothing about my disease of alcoholism. She has seen me drink in her presence twice, once a beer and another time a glass of wine. I have since been sober for almost 20 days now.I want to tell her the truth but I am hesitant since it will be even harder to explain to her why I relapsed around her those two times. Also I am feeling very vulnerable about telling her since I am so early in my recovery. I was a closet binge drinker so she never really dealt with me drunk. I would drink at night for the most part. Anyhow, just wondering how others have handled telling a friend and if you ever decided just to keep it under wraps? If so, how did you handle if they tried to offer you a drink again? I know she is already talking about making me a margarita when I come over for a BBQ at her house. I have tried to hint that I am not a big drinker but she has seen me drink so it will be hard to explain why suddenly I don't drink at all without telling her my personal truth. I don't know that I am ready to take that step with her yet? I was thinking of just telling her no thank you to the drink but anyone have any good lines to get people to accept that you don't want the drink without getting into detail with them? SOmetimes it seems it would be easier to just say " no sorry I am an alcoholic" but I am vulnerable to say this. I am at a loss for what to do but I want to prepare myself since I will be seeing her in a month. I live in another province now so I have an excuse to avoid it for now.

Tell her the truth
Friends do not lie to each other.

The easiest way and the only way FOR ME, is to be completely honest with those that you love. I too was a closet drinker, drank at home, and even though they knew i drank, they will tell me now, when i talk to them about problems i am having dealing with all the HONEST feelings i have, they will say, I never knew it was that bad, what can i do to help? Admittance and hosesty are the two hardest parts of recovery, but vital..

I was a closet drinker, too, and didn't tell any of my friends, but I'm not sure any of them were as close to me as this friend of yours - it sounds like she is a very special person to you. As hard as it seems to tell her, think how much easier your heart will be once you do. Right now it sounds like you feel a bit of stress on the relationship because you can't be open with her, but telling her will change that stress into an additional source of support. You may find that having her know "keeps you honest" and prevents relapsing! Whatever you decide, our thoughts and best wishes are with you!

Hi Bliss and welcome to SR.

Binge drinker here also. There comes a point where you can't hide it from those who are close to you, our habits change the stronger this beast gets.

I was up front and got to the point that I didn't care who knew, I needed help.....a couple people were shocked, went into denial...today they understand.

Another thing, people are more aware of this disease, we're not bad people, just sick.

Wishing you all the best in your journey to recovery, huge congrats on your sober days, AWESOME. You'll do what you need to do when you're ready, also I'm betting you'll get support from your friend, that's what friends do.

:Val004:

Just an fyi, I don't find your statement very helpful.
I am not lying to her. I am just choosing not to reveal every personal aspect of my life right up front. I have the right to decide when I want to open up and reveal my alcoholism. As an example, If I had cancer and wanted to keep it to myself in the beginning then would I be lying too? I don't see people walking around and telling everyone they meet they have cancer. It is personal information and someone will use discretion in telling someone. I don't need to be an open book just because I am an alcoholic. I have the right to privacy and to be able to reveal things when I am comfortable. JMO.

How about, "No thanks, I'm just not drinking today".

If she presses you, maybe something like, "I simply decided. I just don't want to drink today, that's all".

If she's looking for you to enable her to drink, perhaps something like, "Well, pour me some water then, straight up and on the rocks".

Its honest, right? And no further explanation is needed.

I have to lean towards Carol though. If you two really are kindred spirits, then at some point I think you'll need to pull this out or else it will remain a barrier between you two. She's not responsible for your relapse. If you realize that then you can get her to realize it too.

Perhaps at some point you'll feel comfortable enough telling her, or perhaps not. Its *your* privacy. Consider though, if you did have cancer instead of alcoholism, would you be willing to tell her, and if so, at what point?

Just some thoughts.

Hi Green Tea,
I told her yesterday and it was fine. The reason why I was disputing what Carol said is she said I was lying to my friend. Almost as though i was being devious or something. I wasn't, I have only known her for two years and we have always had our children in common so when I saw her it was always in a kids setting not a place where people drink. I need to feel comfortable with people before I tell them every aspect of my life.

No problem, Bliss! Everyone agrees its *your* privacy.

Let me ask you something though... Now that you've told her, and its all fine, do you feel better? ... How do you feel now that its not a secret that you are keeping from her, especially considering the closeness you've described?

I think that's all Carol was getting at. -shrug-

Glad to hear it worked out!

I feel a lot better for telling her but I do feel the timing had to be right. I wasn't ready before so I don't feel bad for waiting to tell her.

I am so glad this worked out for you.

I can underdstand what your saying. I live in real small gossipy town and I have friends that I have known for many years, some our kids go to school together and others I teach their kids. If I admit my problem to many of these women, I wll have to endure the whispering at the next school functinor PTA meeting. Some will be talking of how terrible it is, others (the ones I've drank with) how it won't last and still other will shun me ot the point where Our children will not play.

Ther are a few I will once I have enough time under my belt i will tell and others don't ever need to know.

I am glad that you were able to open up with your friend. I was going to suggest, in case it ever comes up again with someone else. Always drive to where ever it is you are going and then you can always say that you are driving and that you are not drinking tonight. You are not deceiving anyone nor are you even stretching the truth in any way because it is a law and no one should ever question that reason. Just my 2 cents. Welcome to SR and I wish you the best of luck, we are here if you need us!

GP

I just wanted to share her comments that she sent me in an e-mail after I told her since it really showed me how great of a friend she really is:

"HI!

I am very honored that you have been able to let me in your heart like that.

I admire you very much for everything you have been through. It takes a lot of guts to admit you have a problem.

There is nothing to be sorry about. Just know that I am here for you no matter what and when ever you need someone to talk to or write to, I am here for you no matter what."

Nice eh??
Anyhow I am greatful to have her friendship:)

That is wonderful! It truely is nice to have friends like that and it is also comforting to know that there are still genuinely nice & caring people still out there!

GP

That's lovely! I'm so plesaed for you - telling her was really the right thing.

I agree with Carol too - friends don't lie to one another. That's NOT saying that you were lying, just that friends don't need to...and i'm so glad that you could be honest with your friend. The support of my own friends (many of which kinda went into denial when I first told them, lol!) is beyond wonderful. It's SUCH a support!

tHANKS FOR SHARING! :)

cATHY31
X