Hello
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Thank you again, everybody. Your feedback really does help!
I was planning to go to a 7:00pm today, and I almost didn't go. Some self-cons started creeping in -- "oh, I don't want to get overwhelmed by the whole thing", and "let what you've already done settle in a little".
I thought about it for a few seconds, and came to the conclusion that it was just laziness on my part, followed by "well, you've been through a lot in a short time, so a little laziness is okay".
After that I came to this board and read some of your responses. Something in your replies resonated and -ding- I realized what was really going on... I was doing another set of self-cons. In other words, some of the first hints of craving started to creep into my thought patterns! ... Get even a little distance from what is keeping me from drinking and I'm a millimeter (or mile) closer to picking up a beer again. Insidious, huh?
I know it was a self-con because its ringing true in my heart. Its nice to know that that touchstone hasn't left me completely.
Anyway, I read some of your posts and hopped into my car and got to the meeting early instead of skipping it. And I'm glad I did.
It was a good meeting and I enjoyed it. During the meeting I noticed a couple other self-cons trying to creep into my thoughts. I compared them to what I had just experienced not an hour before and saw them for what they were. More hints of the craving entering my thought patterns.
Thanks everybody! Its your feedback that's helped keep me on this path.
. . .
I appreciate what you're all saying about the HOW -- honesty, openness and willingness. Thank you.
Openness... My typical life-experience is that when I open up to people like that, then they only use the information they've gained to hurt me. Its what I learned growing up and was solidly reinforced during the early part of my adulthood. Its only recently that I've been working on that, typically with disasterous results.
As I've said previously, crying out for help, you guys are embracing me. Its not something I'm used to, and I do appreciate it. I started this thread for selfish reasons, (a cry for help). I figure at this point I've got nothing to lose, and writing seems to be having a theraputic effect. I think the perceived anonymity of the 'net helps too.
If someone maybe, just maybe, is pulling even a little bit out for themself, well, its a good thing and a good thing to know. I hope I'm helping. Just maybe something good can come out of the selfishness for somebody.
Honesty... I've always tried to be honest with myself, but often without much success. I've been working on that too the last few years, and maybe I'm getting better at it with practice. Realizing and identifying the self-cons seems to be improving, (or is that the start of another self-con based on pride?).
I'm really glad I found this place.
Willingness... That's one I think I've struggled with for a long time. As I've said previously, I believe this is the first time in my life that I haven't had denial issues to overcome. Its making a big difference in my approach to the whole thing. I've always been one of those guys who detests it when others appear to be trying to "define" me, or try to tell me who I am. I think its been part of the core of my denial lo' these many years.
So far though, I don't feel like anyone is trying to do that to me. Maybe I've finally been able to place myself into a receptive frame of mind. Maybe its because I'm getting older and am gaining some better persepective on my life. Maybe the self-honesty is improving. Or maybe the evidence has mounted so high that even I can't ignore it.
I don't know. But I do know that finally admitting to myself Friday night that I have a problem and that the problem is that I'm an alcoholic has eliminated the denial issues.
Who am I kidding? I know what it is. Its God answering some prayers and looking out for me. That's what it is. Thank you God!
As I shared in a meeting earlier today, God has always answered my prayers, although not always the way I wanted him to or the way I expected or hoped he would. But he's always answered them, and he's done it in the way that was best. Thank you God.
. . .
I went to a 10:00am meeting today. I enjoyed it so much that after running an errand, I went back for the 12:00 noon meeting too.
The errand was this... Friday morning / early afternoon, the sheriff's deputy running the lockup sat down and had a chat with me before releasing me. The details don't matter but it started with him being convinced / impressed by the way my boss was so adamant about helping me out both times.
Between the meetings, I went to the lockup to try to speak with the deputy. He wasn't around (his day off), so rather than wait, I asked if I could leave him a note. They looked at me for a second, said sure and handed me some paper.
I'm not going to try to replicate the note but the gist of it was this... First, thank you again for your help and for having that chat with me. Second, I suspect that he thought his words went in one ear and out the other, and that I wanted him to know that that wasn't the case.
I told him that I finally admitted to myself that same night that I have a problem and that I joined AA the following day, and that it was due in part to his chat, and that I thought he should know. He had convinced me that there was still something good and worthwhile inside me that was worth saving, and that he had looked me square in the eye and told me that I was an alcoholic. I wanted to thank him and to let him know that his words did not fall on deaf ears.
That was my errand and I'm glad I did it. No doubt there's a selfish component to it -- I know it made me feel better -- but I hope I was able to give him something back.
Well, I'm sure this is a long enough post for one day, so... Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback. It is helping.
I was planning to go to a 7:00pm today, and I almost didn't go. Some self-cons started creeping in -- "oh, I don't want to get overwhelmed by the whole thing", and "let what you've already done settle in a little".
I thought about it for a few seconds, and came to the conclusion that it was just laziness on my part, followed by "well, you've been through a lot in a short time, so a little laziness is okay".
After that I came to this board and read some of your responses. Something in your replies resonated and -ding- I realized what was really going on... I was doing another set of self-cons. In other words, some of the first hints of craving started to creep into my thought patterns! ... Get even a little distance from what is keeping me from drinking and I'm a millimeter (or mile) closer to picking up a beer again. Insidious, huh?
I know it was a self-con because its ringing true in my heart. Its nice to know that that touchstone hasn't left me completely.
Anyway, I read some of your posts and hopped into my car and got to the meeting early instead of skipping it. And I'm glad I did.
It was a good meeting and I enjoyed it. During the meeting I noticed a couple other self-cons trying to creep into my thoughts. I compared them to what I had just experienced not an hour before and saw them for what they were. More hints of the craving entering my thought patterns.
Thanks everybody! Its your feedback that's helped keep me on this path.
. . .
I appreciate what you're all saying about the HOW -- honesty, openness and willingness. Thank you.
Openness... My typical life-experience is that when I open up to people like that, then they only use the information they've gained to hurt me. Its what I learned growing up and was solidly reinforced during the early part of my adulthood. Its only recently that I've been working on that, typically with disasterous results.
As I've said previously, crying out for help, you guys are embracing me. Its not something I'm used to, and I do appreciate it. I started this thread for selfish reasons, (a cry for help). I figure at this point I've got nothing to lose, and writing seems to be having a theraputic effect. I think the perceived anonymity of the 'net helps too.
If someone maybe, just maybe, is pulling even a little bit out for themself, well, its a good thing and a good thing to know. I hope I'm helping. Just maybe something good can come out of the selfishness for somebody.
Honesty... I've always tried to be honest with myself, but often without much success. I've been working on that too the last few years, and maybe I'm getting better at it with practice. Realizing and identifying the self-cons seems to be improving, (or is that the start of another self-con based on pride?).
I'm really glad I found this place.
Willingness... That's one I think I've struggled with for a long time. As I've said previously, I believe this is the first time in my life that I haven't had denial issues to overcome. Its making a big difference in my approach to the whole thing. I've always been one of those guys who detests it when others appear to be trying to "define" me, or try to tell me who I am. I think its been part of the core of my denial lo' these many years.
So far though, I don't feel like anyone is trying to do that to me. Maybe I've finally been able to place myself into a receptive frame of mind. Maybe its because I'm getting older and am gaining some better persepective on my life. Maybe the self-honesty is improving. Or maybe the evidence has mounted so high that even I can't ignore it.
I don't know. But I do know that finally admitting to myself Friday night that I have a problem and that the problem is that I'm an alcoholic has eliminated the denial issues.
Who am I kidding? I know what it is. Its God answering some prayers and looking out for me. That's what it is. Thank you God!
As I shared in a meeting earlier today, God has always answered my prayers, although not always the way I wanted him to or the way I expected or hoped he would. But he's always answered them, and he's done it in the way that was best. Thank you God.
. . .
I went to a 10:00am meeting today. I enjoyed it so much that after running an errand, I went back for the 12:00 noon meeting too.
The errand was this... Friday morning / early afternoon, the sheriff's deputy running the lockup sat down and had a chat with me before releasing me. The details don't matter but it started with him being convinced / impressed by the way my boss was so adamant about helping me out both times.
Between the meetings, I went to the lockup to try to speak with the deputy. He wasn't around (his day off), so rather than wait, I asked if I could leave him a note. They looked at me for a second, said sure and handed me some paper.
I'm not going to try to replicate the note but the gist of it was this... First, thank you again for your help and for having that chat with me. Second, I suspect that he thought his words went in one ear and out the other, and that I wanted him to know that that wasn't the case.
I told him that I finally admitted to myself that same night that I have a problem and that I joined AA the following day, and that it was due in part to his chat, and that I thought he should know. He had convinced me that there was still something good and worthwhile inside me that was worth saving, and that he had looked me square in the eye and told me that I was an alcoholic. I wanted to thank him and to let him know that his words did not fall on deaf ears.
That was my errand and I'm glad I did it. No doubt there's a selfish component to it -- I know it made me feel better -- but I hope I was able to give him something back.
Well, I'm sure this is a long enough post for one day, so... Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback. It is helping.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 491
Welcome to SR! You sound very good and very positive in your posts! What I mean is that you sound as though you are doing very well so far and i suspect that it will only get better for you. I admire you for your realization and for talking with that deputy and acknowledging whar he did for you and how it helped. Hang in there, better days are awaiting you ahead! Be strong!
GP
GP
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Thanks GP.
I slept in today, (which means I didn't go to a meeting this morning -- I am going to one tonight though). I'm glad I slept in, and it was a good night's sleep. I don't believe its a self-con, at least my heart tells me its not.
Yesterday morning I awoke from some minor nightmares. I don't remember the details, but as is typical for me for these particular type of nightmares, my family was involved in a bad way. It took me a minute or so after I woke up to realize where I was, or more correctly, where in my life I'm at and what's going on. Part of me thought I was still living with them, for example, and the despair over everything was close at hand and inside me.
This morning however, was pretty different. I awoke from some curious dreams. My family was there again, but they were in a more supportive stance than I'm used to. It was kind of odd.
In the dream, I remember looking at myself in a largish mirror. I examined my body and especially studied my face for a few moments. I remember there being a smile on my face, not a broad one perhaps bit still definitely there. I remember feeling good about myself as I looked in the mirror in my dream. I wasn't perfect, but I was me, and there was a lot of good there and I felt that no one could take that away.
I woke up with the song "Jane Says" going through my head (love the music). I came out of the bedroom feeling in touch with a good part of me that I like, and which likes me. The contact might not have been "large", but it was certainly there.
As I walked into the kitchen to feed the cat, the memory of what's been going on and what I still have to face because of the arrests started to come crashing down around me. Despair started trying to blanket me and enter me.
It took a second before I started to push it away. I focused on the good feeling I had just moments before and tried to turn the sound of the music up a little bit in my head.
I paused for a moment, then reached down to pet the cat and feed her. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror for a few seconds. The face was slightly different, the body too, but it was still definitely me. And the smile was still there!
I thanked God and went about my business, getting cleaned up right away instead of waiting a few hours, (on days off I typically wait a few hours). I continued trying to focus on the good feeling and on keeping the despair pushed away.
Part of me wanted to cry. Another part of me sighed a little bit and wanted to stay focused on the good feeling that was there. Another part of me was taking stock of my body and noticing that it felt like much of the alcohol was out of my system and that my body was repairing itself, (afterall its only day 3). I also noticed that I didn't have my usual morning headache, (amazing what we get used to living with, huh?).
I looked at myself in the mirror as I dried myself off -- especially my face and my eyes to see what was there while remembering that I am not alone. I saw the smile on my face and felt it in my face muscles and thanked God again for another day.
The despair keeps knocking on the side of my head, but I keep on ignoring it.
I'm glad I slept in today. I'm looking forward to going to the meeting tonight.
Thanks for letting me babber.
I slept in today, (which means I didn't go to a meeting this morning -- I am going to one tonight though). I'm glad I slept in, and it was a good night's sleep. I don't believe its a self-con, at least my heart tells me its not.
Yesterday morning I awoke from some minor nightmares. I don't remember the details, but as is typical for me for these particular type of nightmares, my family was involved in a bad way. It took me a minute or so after I woke up to realize where I was, or more correctly, where in my life I'm at and what's going on. Part of me thought I was still living with them, for example, and the despair over everything was close at hand and inside me.
This morning however, was pretty different. I awoke from some curious dreams. My family was there again, but they were in a more supportive stance than I'm used to. It was kind of odd.
In the dream, I remember looking at myself in a largish mirror. I examined my body and especially studied my face for a few moments. I remember there being a smile on my face, not a broad one perhaps bit still definitely there. I remember feeling good about myself as I looked in the mirror in my dream. I wasn't perfect, but I was me, and there was a lot of good there and I felt that no one could take that away.
I woke up with the song "Jane Says" going through my head (love the music). I came out of the bedroom feeling in touch with a good part of me that I like, and which likes me. The contact might not have been "large", but it was certainly there.
As I walked into the kitchen to feed the cat, the memory of what's been going on and what I still have to face because of the arrests started to come crashing down around me. Despair started trying to blanket me and enter me.
It took a second before I started to push it away. I focused on the good feeling I had just moments before and tried to turn the sound of the music up a little bit in my head.
I paused for a moment, then reached down to pet the cat and feed her. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror for a few seconds. The face was slightly different, the body too, but it was still definitely me. And the smile was still there!
I thanked God and went about my business, getting cleaned up right away instead of waiting a few hours, (on days off I typically wait a few hours). I continued trying to focus on the good feeling and on keeping the despair pushed away.
Part of me wanted to cry. Another part of me sighed a little bit and wanted to stay focused on the good feeling that was there. Another part of me was taking stock of my body and noticing that it felt like much of the alcohol was out of my system and that my body was repairing itself, (afterall its only day 3). I also noticed that I didn't have my usual morning headache, (amazing what we get used to living with, huh?).
I looked at myself in the mirror as I dried myself off -- especially my face and my eyes to see what was there while remembering that I am not alone. I saw the smile on my face and felt it in my face muscles and thanked God again for another day.
The despair keeps knocking on the side of my head, but I keep on ignoring it.
I'm glad I slept in today. I'm looking forward to going to the meeting tonight.
Thanks for letting me babber.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
I almost didn't make the meeting tonight -- I fell asleep watching the Twilight Zone and didn't wake up until about twenty minutes before the meeting started. Glad I did and glad I went.
One of the people said that rock bottom is kind of like an elevator -- it goes down a lot faster than it goes up and the cable is always slipping. The best thing is to simply get off (not drink).
It brings to mind another analogy. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it burned overnight. Your life is Rome and alcohol is flammable.
Another thing I took from the meeting is that for me at least, its important to keep in mind that this disease is physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. For me at least, its important to keep the distinctions in mind so that I can work on each component on its own terms rather than be overwhelmed in a morass of their combination.
Sure there's some overlap and each contributes to and may drive the other, but let me give you some examples of what I mean...
Physical... The changes your body has gone through (and does go through) because of use patterns. The need to repair the damage to your cells and to get the hardware working properly again. The whole physical side of craving and withdrawal (and its symptoms) and the need to eliminate it.
Emotional... The self-pity and self-loathing. The anguish and depression. The feelings of worthlessness and despair. The way I haven't been processing or even facing my emotions properly. The loss of self-esteem.
Psychological... The self-cons and self-deceptions. The desire to shut yourself off from the world. The inability to face or interact with other people and pushing them away. The panic, terror, feelings of doom and nightmares.
Spiritual... Not being in contact with your heart. The emptiness and loneliness. Feeling cut off from God and His Love. Dooming yourself to the abyss. Not listening to that small voice in your heart that is still there or that you've tried to quiet down. Feeling like a "mere machine".
Does any of this make sense to anybody or am I just babbering again?
On another note, I need to make sure I don't fret about these charges I'm facing (there's time for that later). I also need to start conducting my life again -- get some work done, buy groceries, clean the house, etc.
I don't know how I'm ever going to adequately thank my boss for all he's done for me. Out of all the people I called both those nights / mornings, he was the only one willing to even consider doing something for me. He was certainly the only one who actually took action. My co-worker also helped that second time under the auspices of my boss, and I need to thank him too.
I think joining and sticking with AA will be a start. What do you think?
One of the people said that rock bottom is kind of like an elevator -- it goes down a lot faster than it goes up and the cable is always slipping. The best thing is to simply get off (not drink).
It brings to mind another analogy. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it burned overnight. Your life is Rome and alcohol is flammable.
Another thing I took from the meeting is that for me at least, its important to keep in mind that this disease is physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. For me at least, its important to keep the distinctions in mind so that I can work on each component on its own terms rather than be overwhelmed in a morass of their combination.
Sure there's some overlap and each contributes to and may drive the other, but let me give you some examples of what I mean...
Physical... The changes your body has gone through (and does go through) because of use patterns. The need to repair the damage to your cells and to get the hardware working properly again. The whole physical side of craving and withdrawal (and its symptoms) and the need to eliminate it.
Emotional... The self-pity and self-loathing. The anguish and depression. The feelings of worthlessness and despair. The way I haven't been processing or even facing my emotions properly. The loss of self-esteem.
Psychological... The self-cons and self-deceptions. The desire to shut yourself off from the world. The inability to face or interact with other people and pushing them away. The panic, terror, feelings of doom and nightmares.
Spiritual... Not being in contact with your heart. The emptiness and loneliness. Feeling cut off from God and His Love. Dooming yourself to the abyss. Not listening to that small voice in your heart that is still there or that you've tried to quiet down. Feeling like a "mere machine".
Does any of this make sense to anybody or am I just babbering again?
On another note, I need to make sure I don't fret about these charges I'm facing (there's time for that later). I also need to start conducting my life again -- get some work done, buy groceries, clean the house, etc.
I don't know how I'm ever going to adequately thank my boss for all he's done for me. Out of all the people I called both those nights / mornings, he was the only one willing to even consider doing something for me. He was certainly the only one who actually took action. My co-worker also helped that second time under the auspices of my boss, and I need to thank him too.
I think joining and sticking with AA will be a start. What do you think?
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Day 10 -- Hooray!!!
I was looking over this post again, and I remember how scared I was when I first started it. I can't say that the fear has gone away but in another way I can. Let me explain.
One the one hand there was the fear from this disease and what was going to happen to me, especially as I try to get help and start recovering from it. I don't need to expound on it or explain it, because I think you all probably know what I mean.
The fear of "loss of self" was probably the strongest in that regard, (the old "they're just going to brainwash me" thing). There was also the fear of "facing yourself" and the "I don't know what's going to happen to me". Also the fear of being vulnerable to others.
There was also the feelings around actually saying, both to yourself and others, "Hi, my name is GreenTea and I'm an alcoholic". That first time actually saying those words (I didn't really use the name "GreenTea") was hard and to an extent painful. But it was necessary and it was truthful and its honest.
Those fears all seem to have gone from me. I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I'm still working on the "liking myself again" part, but at least I don't dislike myself anymore, and I'm not afraid of doing something self-destructive again either. I'm finding myself again and that's good.
There was also the fear of my financial situation. I've been in difficult times before, and they've always been, well... difficult. But I've gotten through them somehow (Grace of God), and I'll get through them again. In that regard I think its just a matter of time (provided I maintain my sobriety).
Then there's the fear of the consequences of these charges I'm facing. There's still a lot of trepidation there and the serious potential for despair to overwhelm me.
For the most part, so far, I've been able to avoid fretting about it, but that's probably going to get harder as the court date gets closer, (the lawyer told me not to worry about the first date -- he'll get everything combined into the September date).
I'm still scared about that, although I don't think I'm frantic about it anymore. Just sort of sigh and try to "face the music" as best I can. Not panic, and try to develop and maintain some serenity in order to cope with whatever will happen. I guess I'm to the point where I want to cry instead of run. More praying will help.
That's where I'm at with the fear. I look over the first posts and I remember how much like a "caged animal" I was feeling at the time. Panic would be an accurate word and screaming for help an accurate phrase.
Thank you again everybody, for all of your help! I couldn't have gotten through those first days and nights without you.
. . .
Day 10 -- Hooray!!!
I'm feeling and noticing some differences. I have a long way to go yet, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
The AA meetings are definitely helping. Fifteen meetings in ten days so far, ("Many Meetings, Many Chances"). I draw a lot of strength from them. Every time I sit down, I look at the placard ("You Are Not Alone") and I thank God. The human contact is amazing.
I'm not in a race to work the steps. I haven't even started them formally yet. Informally though, I think step 1 came the night I finally admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic and started to complete it when I started being comfortable actually saying it out loud. Step 2 for me is a given. God is God and there nothing He can't do. So I guess informally I'm on step 3 although I still need to do them formally.
Where I'm at though, is focusing on these...
1) Stay sober
2) Establish the habit of going to the meetings
3) Re-condition myself -- different thought patterns, conducting my life properly, pray more, etc.
For right now, just staying focused on those three is what I need to do. My temporary sponsor agrees. In the meantime I'm reading through "Living Sober" -- a few pages a day -- and I need to start reading more of the Big Book.
Physically I feel better. I'm gaining a little weight as I eat more but that's easy enough to deal with. I'm still smoking too much but at least I'm not drinking on top of it. Mornings are getting easier. I'm starting to get better at keeping regular sleep patterns too. I feel better "in myself" if you know what I mean.
Emotionally I have a ways to go yet. Its been almost half a week since my last bout of depression, although its been "knocking on the door" along with that despair. I think I'm developing some serenity though, and its helping me deal with it all. I smile more again and there's a little piece of "joy" that I think is starting to wake up in a corner of my mind. So that's a good thing.
Psychologically I think I'm maintaining. I don't think I've had any nightmares since last week, (regular vivid dreams aren't nightmares -- they're "normal" for me -- I'm talking about the ones where I wake up scared off my nut or in a cold sweat or screaming). Some self-cons still creep in and surface. I let them have their say and then point out the BS, dismissing them. So far it seems to be working.
Spiritually I need to do better. I don't think I'm "drawing away" anymore, but I need to start intentionally "draw closer". God is letting me "breath a little" but that doesn't mean I can start taking Him for granted. I still pray throughout the day (always have) but I need to "hit my knees" more regularly.
I think that's pretty much where I'm at right now, here at day 10. Tomorrow is my alcohol evaluation. That should be simple, "well, its like this... I'm an alcoholic".
Day 11 should be interesting.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for the support everybody!!!
I was looking over this post again, and I remember how scared I was when I first started it. I can't say that the fear has gone away but in another way I can. Let me explain.
One the one hand there was the fear from this disease and what was going to happen to me, especially as I try to get help and start recovering from it. I don't need to expound on it or explain it, because I think you all probably know what I mean.
The fear of "loss of self" was probably the strongest in that regard, (the old "they're just going to brainwash me" thing). There was also the fear of "facing yourself" and the "I don't know what's going to happen to me". Also the fear of being vulnerable to others.
There was also the feelings around actually saying, both to yourself and others, "Hi, my name is GreenTea and I'm an alcoholic". That first time actually saying those words (I didn't really use the name "GreenTea") was hard and to an extent painful. But it was necessary and it was truthful and its honest.
Those fears all seem to have gone from me. I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I'm still working on the "liking myself again" part, but at least I don't dislike myself anymore, and I'm not afraid of doing something self-destructive again either. I'm finding myself again and that's good.
There was also the fear of my financial situation. I've been in difficult times before, and they've always been, well... difficult. But I've gotten through them somehow (Grace of God), and I'll get through them again. In that regard I think its just a matter of time (provided I maintain my sobriety).
Then there's the fear of the consequences of these charges I'm facing. There's still a lot of trepidation there and the serious potential for despair to overwhelm me.
For the most part, so far, I've been able to avoid fretting about it, but that's probably going to get harder as the court date gets closer, (the lawyer told me not to worry about the first date -- he'll get everything combined into the September date).
I'm still scared about that, although I don't think I'm frantic about it anymore. Just sort of sigh and try to "face the music" as best I can. Not panic, and try to develop and maintain some serenity in order to cope with whatever will happen. I guess I'm to the point where I want to cry instead of run. More praying will help.
That's where I'm at with the fear. I look over the first posts and I remember how much like a "caged animal" I was feeling at the time. Panic would be an accurate word and screaming for help an accurate phrase.
Thank you again everybody, for all of your help! I couldn't have gotten through those first days and nights without you.
. . .
Day 10 -- Hooray!!!
I'm feeling and noticing some differences. I have a long way to go yet, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.
The AA meetings are definitely helping. Fifteen meetings in ten days so far, ("Many Meetings, Many Chances"). I draw a lot of strength from them. Every time I sit down, I look at the placard ("You Are Not Alone") and I thank God. The human contact is amazing.
I'm not in a race to work the steps. I haven't even started them formally yet. Informally though, I think step 1 came the night I finally admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic and started to complete it when I started being comfortable actually saying it out loud. Step 2 for me is a given. God is God and there nothing He can't do. So I guess informally I'm on step 3 although I still need to do them formally.
Where I'm at though, is focusing on these...
1) Stay sober
2) Establish the habit of going to the meetings
3) Re-condition myself -- different thought patterns, conducting my life properly, pray more, etc.
For right now, just staying focused on those three is what I need to do. My temporary sponsor agrees. In the meantime I'm reading through "Living Sober" -- a few pages a day -- and I need to start reading more of the Big Book.
Physically I feel better. I'm gaining a little weight as I eat more but that's easy enough to deal with. I'm still smoking too much but at least I'm not drinking on top of it. Mornings are getting easier. I'm starting to get better at keeping regular sleep patterns too. I feel better "in myself" if you know what I mean.
Emotionally I have a ways to go yet. Its been almost half a week since my last bout of depression, although its been "knocking on the door" along with that despair. I think I'm developing some serenity though, and its helping me deal with it all. I smile more again and there's a little piece of "joy" that I think is starting to wake up in a corner of my mind. So that's a good thing.
Psychologically I think I'm maintaining. I don't think I've had any nightmares since last week, (regular vivid dreams aren't nightmares -- they're "normal" for me -- I'm talking about the ones where I wake up scared off my nut or in a cold sweat or screaming). Some self-cons still creep in and surface. I let them have their say and then point out the BS, dismissing them. So far it seems to be working.
Spiritually I need to do better. I don't think I'm "drawing away" anymore, but I need to start intentionally "draw closer". God is letting me "breath a little" but that doesn't mean I can start taking Him for granted. I still pray throughout the day (always have) but I need to "hit my knees" more regularly.
I think that's pretty much where I'm at right now, here at day 10. Tomorrow is my alcohol evaluation. That should be simple, "well, its like this... I'm an alcoholic".
Day 11 should be interesting.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for the support everybody!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: windsor, ontario, canada
Posts: 201
Green Tea. I just found your thread and wanted to tell you, first, you have come so far in such a short time. Its really great and if it means anything, i am proud of you and i hope that each day you will wake up with a smile and a pat on your back. You have worked hard to achieve these 10 days.
I am glad your meetings are helping you and it seems as if your well worded posts are also contributing to getting your feelings out in the open, which is definetely an important part of sobriety. Not only are your posts honest, i find them to be enjoyable, because it is truly great to witness another persons success.
Something some one said at a meeting one time truly stuck out in my head. Personally speaking, the first few I tried to go to, I guess i wasnt ready for because i kept making excuses. "self -cons", i think is how you termed it. But each time i couldn't get the motivation up, the easier it was to cave in and spend the time i could used to be positive and productive, to being negative and self destructive. There were many self cons. The biggest? "Well, i dont feel like driving that far across the city. If there was one closer, I'd go."-Terrible way of thinking. And this is where this persons words will always stick out.
At the meeting, he admitted that he wasn't going to go that night because he had to take the bus. And our transit system is terrible, so he missed the first bus and would have missed the meeting because the next wasnt for a long time. But, instead of going home, he said he walked. He said it wasnt a along walk but it was cold. And then he said he felt bad for even complaining. Because there were so many nights we would have walked 10 times as far to get his drug of choice out of desperation, that this walk to the meeting was the best step he ever took.
If I may say, he had a point. How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting.
I hope you will stay strong and try to remain positive. The dreams are a good things. They, to me, are your mind clearing itself and working to sort out your feelings. Look in the mirror and try to keep smiling. Even if you dont feel like smiling, I was taught before to "trick your brain." If you plaster a fake smile on your face for 5 minutes, it is said to release happy chemicals. If you need a laugh, may I recommend downloading some Dane Cook stand-up comedy? He cracks me up and he is said to be drug and alcohol free.
Listen to your music and if depression is knocking for you, look through the peephole and tell it to pick another door.
Good luck and God bless
mertyl
I am glad your meetings are helping you and it seems as if your well worded posts are also contributing to getting your feelings out in the open, which is definetely an important part of sobriety. Not only are your posts honest, i find them to be enjoyable, because it is truly great to witness another persons success.
Something some one said at a meeting one time truly stuck out in my head. Personally speaking, the first few I tried to go to, I guess i wasnt ready for because i kept making excuses. "self -cons", i think is how you termed it. But each time i couldn't get the motivation up, the easier it was to cave in and spend the time i could used to be positive and productive, to being negative and self destructive. There were many self cons. The biggest? "Well, i dont feel like driving that far across the city. If there was one closer, I'd go."-Terrible way of thinking. And this is where this persons words will always stick out.
At the meeting, he admitted that he wasn't going to go that night because he had to take the bus. And our transit system is terrible, so he missed the first bus and would have missed the meeting because the next wasnt for a long time. But, instead of going home, he said he walked. He said it wasnt a along walk but it was cold. And then he said he felt bad for even complaining. Because there were so many nights we would have walked 10 times as far to get his drug of choice out of desperation, that this walk to the meeting was the best step he ever took.
If I may say, he had a point. How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting.
I hope you will stay strong and try to remain positive. The dreams are a good things. They, to me, are your mind clearing itself and working to sort out your feelings. Look in the mirror and try to keep smiling. Even if you dont feel like smiling, I was taught before to "trick your brain." If you plaster a fake smile on your face for 5 minutes, it is said to release happy chemicals. If you need a laugh, may I recommend downloading some Dane Cook stand-up comedy? He cracks me up and he is said to be drug and alcohol free.
Listen to your music and if depression is knocking for you, look through the peephole and tell it to pick another door.
Good luck and God bless
mertyl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Originally Posted by GreenTea
The fear of "loss of self" was probably the strongest in that regard, (the old "they're just going to brainwash me" thing). There was also the fear of "facing yourself" and the "I don't know what's going to happen to me". Also the fear of being vulnerable to others. There was also the fear of my financial situation. Then there's the fear of the consequences of these charges I'm facing.That's where I'm at with the fear.
Such a process of self-discovery it is, when we look up and around outside of the haze of addiction and all those surrounding attributes (avoidance/ isolation/ evasion/ denial/ manipulation/ deception of self and others/ and all.) It's SO inspiring to see others who are forging ahead in this and seeing how it works to improve their condition, their mind, the state of peace and happiness and health they find in their daily lives! Even while all those very real problems of life are still right there, when we know we have means to be able to deal with them, it makes it all seem possible, manageable, doable. And it's so true! Everything does sort itself out in the end. Those things that seemed so infinitely important 10 years ago, they're all in our past, largely forgotten, we've learned from them and moved on. And there will be new situations to deal with in the future. One thing at a time, one day at a time, we progress. Life is actually interesting and it's amazing to be alive and HERE to experience it.
Thinking of you GreenTea as you proceed through your evalution today, and continue along this journey you're on. Have no fear! Know you have a lot of caring support here. Wishing you well.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Thanks everybody!!! [Watches as Carol shakes her pom-poms!]
"...How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting..."
I hear you there! The topic came up at a meeting last week, about how much effort and time a person spends on their addiction. If we'd spend even only half the time on our sobriety and life, we'd find the happiness that our addiction promises but never delivers. Insane, huh?
"...the state of peace and happiness and health they find in their daily lives! Even while all those very real problems of life are still right there, when we know we have means to be able to deal with them, it makes it all seem possible, manageable, doable..."
You're right, that is so true. For me, (and it seems to be a fairly common experience), the thing that dragged me down the spiral, I think, was an inability or unwillingness to face and properly deal with my emotions. So of course they just "piled up" collecting "interest" like a bad credit card debt that only grows and grows.
I've realized over the last year or so just how many scars and how much pain I've chosen to carry around through the years. I can point to some contributing factors (some of which go 'way back), but the fact remains that they're MY emotions and scars -- I'm the only one who can deal with them, and I wasn't.
Instead I was wallowing in self-pity, unwilling to talk about them to anyone, fooling myself that I was "being strong" when instead I was only trying to run from them, wanting them to simply go away of their own accord. Only they don't, because they are MINE, they are a part of me.
They're still there, but facing them and processing them bit by bit (rather than allowing myself to be overwhelmed by them) allows the pain of them to gradually subside. I've got a long way to go, but I see the direction and I see that its effective.
A better way to phrase that would be to say that God has shown me the direction and He's shown me that's its effective. Stupid me, I just wasn't listening. But He didn't give up on me!
(Ask me again about the fear as the court date gets closer)
Does this mean that at some point when all the pain finally goes away that I'll be able to hoist a few at the pub again like "normal" people?
Absolutely not! I crossed a line at some point in my wallowing, and it only fanned the flame. The coals are still there and the pain will probably never go away entirely this side of the grave. But dealing with the pain with a sober mind keeps the bonfire from destroying me again.
Will I someday be able to drink like "normal" people again? That's a self-con buddy, and you know it! ... I've abused myself to the point where "normal" for me is that spiral into the abyss with regard to alcohol, and I don't want to go there again no matter how good I feel.
I've done this to myself in the choices I've made over the years. The body has changed and the "alcoholic mindset" is too well imprinted. The only ingredient that's missing for me to jump right back into that spiral is the alcohol. I crossed the line at some point and that choice is no longer mine. And that's just life.
Yeah, I do find it therapuetic to post here. Thanks for letting me babber, folks! And thanks again for your support -- it helps!
"...How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting..."
I hear you there! The topic came up at a meeting last week, about how much effort and time a person spends on their addiction. If we'd spend even only half the time on our sobriety and life, we'd find the happiness that our addiction promises but never delivers. Insane, huh?
"...the state of peace and happiness and health they find in their daily lives! Even while all those very real problems of life are still right there, when we know we have means to be able to deal with them, it makes it all seem possible, manageable, doable..."
You're right, that is so true. For me, (and it seems to be a fairly common experience), the thing that dragged me down the spiral, I think, was an inability or unwillingness to face and properly deal with my emotions. So of course they just "piled up" collecting "interest" like a bad credit card debt that only grows and grows.
I've realized over the last year or so just how many scars and how much pain I've chosen to carry around through the years. I can point to some contributing factors (some of which go 'way back), but the fact remains that they're MY emotions and scars -- I'm the only one who can deal with them, and I wasn't.
Instead I was wallowing in self-pity, unwilling to talk about them to anyone, fooling myself that I was "being strong" when instead I was only trying to run from them, wanting them to simply go away of their own accord. Only they don't, because they are MINE, they are a part of me.
They're still there, but facing them and processing them bit by bit (rather than allowing myself to be overwhelmed by them) allows the pain of them to gradually subside. I've got a long way to go, but I see the direction and I see that its effective.
A better way to phrase that would be to say that God has shown me the direction and He's shown me that's its effective. Stupid me, I just wasn't listening. But He didn't give up on me!
(Ask me again about the fear as the court date gets closer)
Does this mean that at some point when all the pain finally goes away that I'll be able to hoist a few at the pub again like "normal" people?
Absolutely not! I crossed a line at some point in my wallowing, and it only fanned the flame. The coals are still there and the pain will probably never go away entirely this side of the grave. But dealing with the pain with a sober mind keeps the bonfire from destroying me again.
Will I someday be able to drink like "normal" people again? That's a self-con buddy, and you know it! ... I've abused myself to the point where "normal" for me is that spiral into the abyss with regard to alcohol, and I don't want to go there again no matter how good I feel.
I've done this to myself in the choices I've made over the years. The body has changed and the "alcoholic mindset" is too well imprinted. The only ingredient that's missing for me to jump right back into that spiral is the alcohol. I crossed the line at some point and that choice is no longer mine. And that's just life.
Yeah, I do find it therapuetic to post here. Thanks for letting me babber, folks! And thanks again for your support -- it helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Originally Posted by GreenTea
Will I someday be able to drink like "normal" people again? That's a self-con buddy, and you know it!
"Normal people" bore you and you know that too. No, you think too much to ever be among the "normal". (That's a compliment from the land of the abnormal.)
I LOVE the way you're being so open-minded, receptive to outside perspective and the help that others who have gone this way before you have to offer to you. So long as we stay trapped in our own closed-minded loop thinking, only hearing what we want to hear, conveniently editing out all the rest, we remain stuck in the isolated confines of our own best thinking.
R-i-s-k-y mindset for an addict to maintain. It sets us up for retreat into our own best thinking, which after years (for some, decades) of habituation is a very short step back into active addiction.
Originally Posted by Greentea
For me, (and it seems to be a fairly common experience), the thing that dragged me down the spiral, I think, was an inability or unwillingness to face and properly deal with my emotions. So of course they just "piled up" collecting "interest" like a bad credit card debt that only grows and grows.
Originally Posted by greentea
A better way to phrase that would be to say that God has shown me the direction and He's shown me that's its effective. Stupid me, I just wasn't listening. But He didn't give up on me!
Hey, I encourage you to read some threads over at the NA forum, there's some material there that I think you'd greatly appreciate.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Well everybody, I thought I should post an update... As I read what I've posted above, I think back to where I was back then, and the differences are noticeable. I have a long way to go yet, but the miracle IS happening!!!
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!
First off, my name is GT and I am an alcoholic. Today is day 85. I'm looking forward to picking up my 90 day chip next week.
My attorney was able to get both cases combined -- the public drunkeness charge will be handled at the same time as the DUI. Bottom line is that I didn't have to appear for the August date.
My attorney was also able to get the September date pushed back. This was in order to gain some time and allow me to have his fee fully paid by the time we walk into court. So far I haven't had to appear yet, (I think he handled it all directly through the Clerk). My new date is near the end of October.
I took Carol's suggestion about keeping a notebook of the meetings I attend, and it was a really good suggestion. At first I collected signatures, but I stopped that after about a month (no point). Sometimes I sit down and read back over what I wrote, and it helps a lot. I still write small summaries about once a week (instead of after every meeting), if for no other reason than that I can read them again later after more time passes. It really does help to have a record like that -- it helps to see the progress and the changes and to remind me of what my emotional state used to be.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not "cured" or anything. I still have my moments and my issues. I still get pretty depressed sometimes, but its lessening in intensity as time goes by and as I process through the emotions.
Ninety meetings in ninety days... Well, I passed the ninety meetings mark last week, and the ninety days is next week. My sponsor has warned me that its fairly common to relapse after ninety days, so I'm on guard against it.
AA has been a real lifesaver for me! I've made so many new friends these past months, and I've found a place where I actually am accepted for who I am. I can talk to my fellow AA'ers about almost anything! No judgements, no recriminations, no shying away. People understand and are caring regardless... No one yet has refused me a hug, and sometimes it seems like that's all I need.
I realized something the other night, and I almost cried. It may sound stupid, but just think about it for a second... These days, I never have to eat dinner alone unless I want to! ... It is truly amazing... By the same token, anytime I feel a need to talk to someone, or to have people around me, its all just a phone call or two away... This from the guy who used to stand on the 11th floor balcony at work and think about jumping... Yes, I still have my "bad days" sometimes, but I know I'll get through them and I do.
This site and everyone here at SR, you guys are equally as instrumental, and I sincerely thank you all! If it wasn't for SR I probably would have stopped going to meetings. So many times I was feeling low, or lonely or just unhappy (RID) and I'd come here and find just what I needed at the time to get me through the night. Muse, you're a Godsend, and so is everyone else here. Thank you all! And thank You God!!!
So... What else have I been up to as regards preparing for court? ... Well, three things mainly and these were upon the advice of my attorney...
First, I took an assessment with a professional counselor. The details don't matter, but she's recommending I take eighteen months of therapy, (which only means I was too honest with her, I guess). I'm going to have to think about that one for a while. Its not that I don't want to face what she wants to talk about -- I have been facing it and working on it these past two years and now I just want to move on from it all.
Sometimes I carry around a lot of pain, and as has been pointed out to me here, it simply means that I need to do some more forgiveness work, (probably a lot). That is how I've been addressing those issues, and it seems to be effective -- not to mention that its the right thing to do. I don't want to sit there and wallow in it anymore, which is what I'm concerned will happen with a therapist. I'd rather simply forgive (to include myself), let it all go (give it to God), and just move on and continue with my recovery. Maybe I'm being silly, I don't know. -shrug-
Second, he told me to take the State required DUI class, (about twenty or so hours long spread across four days). He said the judge will just have me take it otherwise if I don't. Anyway, I completed that, and there was lots of good information in it. The bottom line on it though, was that it simply confirmed for me that I am an alcoholic and that joining AA was the right choice for me. (Side note -- I knew the instructor from meetings!).
Third, he told me to perform at least forty hours of community service before going into court. I was a little worried about this one since I'm partially disabled from my military service (even though most people don't notice it), the point being that I have very real physical limitations.
Anyway, it turned out that there is an American Legion Post down the street from where I take my meetings. not only do they qualify as a non-profit, but they also regularly accept community service and are used to dealing with it. Furthermore, it turned out I was eligible for membership so I joined! (I haven't gone there as a member yet -- I want to finish the community service first -- and in a couple more months I'll be able to help out with the bingo nights). Bottom line it that I've already accumulated almost ninety hours of community service with them, and I'm just going to continue with it until the court date. I figure the more I walk in with the better, (not to mention my AA chips too!).
So that's what I've been up to since I first started this thread.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot... A friend I made at the DUI class called me about a month ago. The details don't matter, but she came to the point where she was finally ready to make a life change. I've helped her to join my AA group, (even loaned her my Big Book for a couple days). She's doing fine and should pick up her thirty day chip soon!
Even though I've still got a long way to go yet, (a lifetime's worth!), the miracle IS happening!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!
We Are Not Alone! ... Thank You God!
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!
First off, my name is GT and I am an alcoholic. Today is day 85. I'm looking forward to picking up my 90 day chip next week.
My attorney was able to get both cases combined -- the public drunkeness charge will be handled at the same time as the DUI. Bottom line is that I didn't have to appear for the August date.
My attorney was also able to get the September date pushed back. This was in order to gain some time and allow me to have his fee fully paid by the time we walk into court. So far I haven't had to appear yet, (I think he handled it all directly through the Clerk). My new date is near the end of October.
I took Carol's suggestion about keeping a notebook of the meetings I attend, and it was a really good suggestion. At first I collected signatures, but I stopped that after about a month (no point). Sometimes I sit down and read back over what I wrote, and it helps a lot. I still write small summaries about once a week (instead of after every meeting), if for no other reason than that I can read them again later after more time passes. It really does help to have a record like that -- it helps to see the progress and the changes and to remind me of what my emotional state used to be.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not "cured" or anything. I still have my moments and my issues. I still get pretty depressed sometimes, but its lessening in intensity as time goes by and as I process through the emotions.
Ninety meetings in ninety days... Well, I passed the ninety meetings mark last week, and the ninety days is next week. My sponsor has warned me that its fairly common to relapse after ninety days, so I'm on guard against it.
AA has been a real lifesaver for me! I've made so many new friends these past months, and I've found a place where I actually am accepted for who I am. I can talk to my fellow AA'ers about almost anything! No judgements, no recriminations, no shying away. People understand and are caring regardless... No one yet has refused me a hug, and sometimes it seems like that's all I need.
I realized something the other night, and I almost cried. It may sound stupid, but just think about it for a second... These days, I never have to eat dinner alone unless I want to! ... It is truly amazing... By the same token, anytime I feel a need to talk to someone, or to have people around me, its all just a phone call or two away... This from the guy who used to stand on the 11th floor balcony at work and think about jumping... Yes, I still have my "bad days" sometimes, but I know I'll get through them and I do.
This site and everyone here at SR, you guys are equally as instrumental, and I sincerely thank you all! If it wasn't for SR I probably would have stopped going to meetings. So many times I was feeling low, or lonely or just unhappy (RID) and I'd come here and find just what I needed at the time to get me through the night. Muse, you're a Godsend, and so is everyone else here. Thank you all! And thank You God!!!
So... What else have I been up to as regards preparing for court? ... Well, three things mainly and these were upon the advice of my attorney...
First, I took an assessment with a professional counselor. The details don't matter, but she's recommending I take eighteen months of therapy, (which only means I was too honest with her, I guess). I'm going to have to think about that one for a while. Its not that I don't want to face what she wants to talk about -- I have been facing it and working on it these past two years and now I just want to move on from it all.
Sometimes I carry around a lot of pain, and as has been pointed out to me here, it simply means that I need to do some more forgiveness work, (probably a lot). That is how I've been addressing those issues, and it seems to be effective -- not to mention that its the right thing to do. I don't want to sit there and wallow in it anymore, which is what I'm concerned will happen with a therapist. I'd rather simply forgive (to include myself), let it all go (give it to God), and just move on and continue with my recovery. Maybe I'm being silly, I don't know. -shrug-
Second, he told me to take the State required DUI class, (about twenty or so hours long spread across four days). He said the judge will just have me take it otherwise if I don't. Anyway, I completed that, and there was lots of good information in it. The bottom line on it though, was that it simply confirmed for me that I am an alcoholic and that joining AA was the right choice for me. (Side note -- I knew the instructor from meetings!).
Third, he told me to perform at least forty hours of community service before going into court. I was a little worried about this one since I'm partially disabled from my military service (even though most people don't notice it), the point being that I have very real physical limitations.
Anyway, it turned out that there is an American Legion Post down the street from where I take my meetings. not only do they qualify as a non-profit, but they also regularly accept community service and are used to dealing with it. Furthermore, it turned out I was eligible for membership so I joined! (I haven't gone there as a member yet -- I want to finish the community service first -- and in a couple more months I'll be able to help out with the bingo nights). Bottom line it that I've already accumulated almost ninety hours of community service with them, and I'm just going to continue with it until the court date. I figure the more I walk in with the better, (not to mention my AA chips too!).
So that's what I've been up to since I first started this thread.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot... A friend I made at the DUI class called me about a month ago. The details don't matter, but she came to the point where she was finally ready to make a life change. I've helped her to join my AA group, (even loaned her my Big Book for a couple days). She's doing fine and should pick up her thirty day chip soon!
Even though I've still got a long way to go yet, (a lifetime's worth!), the miracle IS happening!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!
We Are Not Alone! ... Thank You God!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
Thank you GT for sharing....i had not read ur story are what u have been involved in until now.....i just thought u were a fellow AA lady in recovery that enjoyed drinking coffee as much as i did in early recovery...lol...now i know.....its probably a wonder why i wasnt flirting with u because u came across as a women in the coffee thread...lol Im sorry.....i didnt realize men enjoyed drinking coffee as much and having fun with coffee chat like women do.... : ) Oh my.....and u certainly had me laughing in those coffee posts....
Ur right...recovery is a miracle....go back and re-read those promises they offer us in the Big Book....They r beginning to happen for u....slowly but surely..... 2 thumbs up for u....GT or if i find out what ur real name is?????
Ur right...recovery is a miracle....go back and re-read those promises they offer us in the Big Book....They r beginning to happen for u....slowly but surely..... 2 thumbs up for u....GT or if i find out what ur real name is?????
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Originally Posted by aasharon90
... i just thought u were a fellow AA lady in recovery ...
... u came across as a women in the coffee thread ...
... u came across as a women in the coffee thread ...
Sorry about the confusion, Sharon! ... Are you telling me I should "butch it up" more? -chuckle-
Originally Posted by aasharon90
... its probably a wonder why i wasnt flirting with u ...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
GT,
I just read this thread for the first time.... thanks for sharing and....
WAY TO GO!!! Congrats on such great recovery!!
cmc
ps
You never fooled me with a nonspecific screen name!!!
.... my guy-dar was right on target. Yep! Definitely a Mr!! lol
I am married, so no flirting here, just a hug!!!
I just read this thread for the first time.... thanks for sharing and....WAY TO GO!!! Congrats on such great recovery!!
cmc
ps
You never fooled me with a nonspecific screen name!!!
.... my guy-dar was right on target. Yep! Definitely a Mr!! lol
I am married, so no flirting here, just a hug!!!
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Old Home Terra
Posts: 4,272
Well, tomorrow morning is the court date, and yeah... I'm pretty apprehensive about it all... I hit three meetings today which seemed to calm me down a bit.
I've done what I can with the time that I've had. I've made a permanent life-change and I'm active in both my AA home group and the community at large. A few people even said they'd try to show up for moral support, and a couple of others (including my boss) have written letters for me. I also have my chips, to include a six month one. I've done what I can.
Its all in God's hands now. Whatever His Will is for me on this, he'll show me tomorrow.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
Thank you again everyone for all of your support!
-GT-
I've done what I can with the time that I've had. I've made a permanent life-change and I'm active in both my AA home group and the community at large. A few people even said they'd try to show up for moral support, and a couple of others (including my boss) have written letters for me. I also have my chips, to include a six month one. I've done what I can.
Its all in God's hands now. Whatever His Will is for me on this, he'll show me tomorrow.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
Thank you again everyone for all of your support!
-GT-
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