Sobriety1st

Hello, Usually i just have replied to other posts, or searching the board for answers to what it is i am struggling with, but i realize i will have to post in order to get the feedback that i am searching for..I am new to recovery, 50 days today, I began Mar.13, 06, but slipped, so began again the next day..well, i am begining to loose some of that "fog" that has clouded my mind for so many years..and now i find myself a little reluctant to actually understand the feelings that are slipping in and out of my daily living..The last 7 years i think i can handle, but it is before that that i am having such a time with..and now when i start to focus on those years, and even the present, i start to feel agitated, angry, confused, you know, all those feelings that come with the begining of sobriety..i am sure you all have felt them..i am reluctant to actually write those feelings down, take some inventory, realize that if i hadn't been drinking, i wouldn't of done or acted the way i did if i had been sober..The hardest part is not separating the two different drinking times..does that make sense? Before the last 7 yrs. i was a full blown alcoholic, drug addict, and the last 7 yrs. it has been more of a premeditated drinking, no drugs since Jan 1, 2000..basically i got into a routine, and it became habit, almost wether i wanted to drink or not, that is what i did, because it was routine for me..then situations in my life changed, job wise, and so i had to change my routine, and come to find out, it wasn't as easy as i thought it would be..i should of known better, but thought, well, i only drink once a week, and so it really shouldn't be that hard to give up..not sure who i was trying to fool, myself or my other self? Well, now that i have gotten into the program of recovery and AA, and starting to really feel things, i am just having a hard time letting go of some of the things that i done in the past, and although i know it is the past, and i would never have done those things sober, it certainly doesn't make it any easier..i really want to clean house, take out the trash, and continue on with this happiness that i am promised if i continue to work this program, but i cant do this if i only work out the last 7 yrs. and not deal with before that when it was so much worse..there just seems to be so much junk, it is so heavy at times, and so then i think, well you know, that was then, this is now, so just worry about the now, but i feel if i do that then i will never be totally free..i went to a women's meeting last night, it was so refreshing..and the topic came from the BB Pg. 14, how it is Simple, but not easy..and that explains my recovery in a nutshell..i like to keep my program of recovery simple, BB quotations, and rigourous preaching just makes me want to turn around and run, but if it is spoken in my language that i can understand, and at my pace, and there is room for implementing, (not improvising the program of the 12 steps) but just adding little things to it that help me better understand how i need to work it so that i can stay sober one day at a time, then i seem to be on the right path, but seems to me, i am stuck right now, and i don't want to stay that way..so, i just am needing some suggestions, on other than the obvious, just dig in and combine all the years of drinking, if you could just share some experiences if any of you have maybe had one way of drinking and or using and then resort to a different way, and was successful at combining the two, when you began your recovery, i would appreciate any feedback you may have to offer..Thank you..

Smyle

hello and welcome to SR....I too have trouble coming to terms with some of the things I did while i was using and they were certainly unforgivable.
I try not to dwell on those parts of my life too much...I will have plenty of time for that later...right now...35 days clean I have many other issues to concentrate on.
I know how it gets when you start to feel ...I had several months before i relapsed and feeling was really starting to get me down.....just try to write it out...i did alot of journaling ....kept some .....threw some away
Just take your time and it will slowly start to work its way out...
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing with your process....
My family spends alot of time in Arkansas....we float alot of your rivers...
beautiful state !!!
Take care
~B

REZ

"BB quotations, and rigourous preaching just makes me want to turn around and run, but if it is spoken in my language that i can understand, and at my pace, and there is room for implementing, (not improvising the program of the 12 steps.." I can relate. Il need to take the 12 steps, interpret them for myself, in my own words, and apply them in my life. I am not saying i want to reject the steps or change them; but I need to come to my own understanding of the steps.

hector

[Tonya].

Easy does it but do it. Maybe take the Steps on the last 7 years, then take the Steps again for each part (or as many parts as you can) of your life before that. But do it. Rest if you must, but don't quit. We're as sick as our secrets. The only way out is through. You are all of you, not just the last 7 years, not just your life before that. Integration is where it's at. Bring your whole self forward to the sunshine you're now living in. Don't leave the unsavory parts back in the darkness. It's going to take time.

How do I know? I'm 50 years old. In my early childhood, physical and emotional abuse were the norm. When I was 12, I phoned a bombscare to my school, and everyone found out and ostracized me. After I graduated high school, I numbed the shame and pain with alcohol. I got married at 23, hoping for a happy family to head. I found out I'm infertile shortly after. The marriage ended just before I turned 30. I was single for 3 years, then got married again. She quickly became lazy, irresponsible and dishonest - but a damn good Al-Anon member, just ask her, she'll tell you, a real expert at talking the talk. I sobered up about 6 months into the marriage. I finally dumped her over 9 years later. I've been single and progressive and fairly happy for over 8 years, sober over 17 1/2 years. Last January my long-haul trucking came to an abrupt end due to a pinched nerve in my back. I may or may not be able to be surgically repaired.

Does this make clear the changes, the phases, the stages of my life? Maybe a little. That's a condensed version of my life story. So which part do I dwell on now? None of them and all of them. I'm me. I always have been. I always will be. And I'm not done yet. Since I've been off work I've read two books, Healing an Angry Heart and How to Forgive, which have dramatically brought me together, integrated me, and altered my thinking and, I think, my behavior. I feel called by my Higher Power (God) to ordained ministry. It's happened before but I always brushed it aside. This time I will not. I'll follow wherever He leads. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on the way.

It wasn't easy to type this, to spill my guts at this level. I hope it helps. Life is a journey, not a destination. Good luck on your trip!

Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Luckyv2

I can totally relate to you just starting to really Feel, I have been numb for so long it is truly amazing that this time clean, I am starting to feel. Yet today, I welcome the process of able to feel. Feeling are neither right or wrong, it is how we act upon our feeling that are right or wrong. I am grateful today that I can feel sad, happy, self-pity, etc but more important for me today is to really figure out what feeling I am feeling usually they are all based on fear, fear that I will loose something that I got, fear that I won't get something that I want, etc. So keep going through the process, this isn't a race, it is our journey.

Love Vic

Sobriety1st

Hector, your sharing was a tremendous help to me, you may never fully understand just how much, i read it, re-read it, and i think i understand where you are coming from..and i know it isn't easy sharing things like that sometimes, i have yet to even begin, but it is when i post, and share, that i learn something new about myself..so, thank you again..and luckyv, it is nice to know that i am not alone..and you are right, fear keeps me stagnate in my recovery, i have read several of your posts with the word FEAR meaning something different, and i will go back and write them down, post them where i can read them everyday..thank you all for your sharing, this is why i come here, to stay sober day by day by getting support from people that have been where i have been..it is getting easier, and i do enjoy the fact that i can feel these things, it is better than being numb to what is going in my life..thank you very much..