this is pretty pathetic
 

I don’t want to be writing this …because that makes it real. Makes what I’m doing…real…it’s just for fun right? To relax…to be cool? I wish I did it to be cool. But I don’t. I do it because I forget. Forget him. Forget that we’re hundreds of miles apart. Forget his name, his face, his voice, his everything. I’m never going to see him again and….it kills me. How can I go back without him? The truth is I can’t. I haven’t cried yet. I won’t. I can’t. He left almost a month ago… Everything is so built up…I miss him so much. Miss doesn’t even describe it. This is killing me. I think it is. I really do. I dream about him EVERY night. Every single night…and it always involves saying goodbye to him. And when I wake up I miss him ever more. I can’t even sleep anymore. I don’t eat anymore ether…I miss him too much to do anything. So I need to kill it. That missing-ness…it started off with a couple beers…a few shots. A nice buzz. I’ve always liked drinking…being drunk. I love the way it feels. And I’m the type that gets…attached…to the smallest things. Food…games…etc. I don’t have good self control…but…the pain of knowing I won’t see him again was too much. It was…unbearable. It still is. This is the first time I’ve been sober in a few days. Not too sure how many. Days blend together latley…I drink as soon as I get up. I black out sometimes. I don’t know what time. I have a job…though I guess im fired now. I cant go. I don’t leave the house. My parents don’t know. My parents would kill me. They don’t have any idea. It’s not cause they don’t pay attention its because they trust me. Think im a good kid. I used to be. Or…no. I never rally was. But I used to be a better kid. I know this is getting so out of control. But it’s I can’t do this without it. I cant live without it. Not cause im addicted because I can not deal with being with out him without …this. I used to drink mostly beer and coolers nothing to hard core. Now it’s vodka. More now. Because I have to drink a lot to get drunk…sometimes I can’t get drunk though. Sometimes my body rejects is before anything happens. It’s not even the liqiour that’s taking of my life…it’s missing him. That’s the only thing. There’s nothing else wrong. It makes me a wimp though doesn’t it? A whiney 19 year old girl that needs to get a life or some maturity……I know. But…I need him. I love him so much. I can’t explain it and…it helps it does. I’d give anything to get him off my mind.

Hi, Circle and welcome...you have come to a good place. Please be patient, there will be others along soon with far more wisdom than I.
In the meantime, please make yourself at home, read around, the stickies at the tops of the forums are great and you may find a post with someone who has a similar experience you can relate to.
hugs,
live

Welcome to SR...

I am very sorry your are in so much pain.
:grouphug:


I can tell you that drinking will only magnify your situation.

Alcohol is a depressant and that is not solving anything.

Try to focus on you and your future.

Take care,,,

Glad that you have found your way to SR.

I'm really sorry that you are going through such a rough time and hurting right now.

We are here for you!

Sorry you are in such a bad place - you will get through this. Go and see your doctor as you sound depressed and also may have self esteem problems that can be helped. You are a good kid I'm sure, you made it here!

Welcome to SR! :hug: I hope ya feel better soon.

:Val004: Welcome!! Wimp????? Nope!!!!! Your here right? Thats a step!! I know the pain your feeling, I also know the wonderful numbness that the bottle provides......
One thing I have discovered though.....TIME.......Time and support of friends and family are MUCH better then the bottle......no hangovers and comfy shoulders when needed. I agree, you sound VERY depressed, I was too, see your doc. tell him/her everything including the relationship with the bottle, there is help......and light at the end of the tunnel.......without the bottle.....the alcohol is lieing to you, it isnt helping, only making it worse in the long run. There is real help out there, you will thank yourself for finding it! Meanwhile, please keep your chin up and stick around, there is a WONDERFUL support system here, the people here are awesome, they listen, dont judge, and try to offer help when we can!!! One day at a time, thats all you can do, but the pain will get easier, at least it did with me.....with TIME.:Val004: