Timmm

Hi Im sorry if I offend someone with this but ,I feel it needs to be said !!

I have been reading the long history of posts hereand have realized that there are some comments being made to newbies that are really so inappropriate,You can not tell a newbie anything negative ,We all know from our own expieriences that we will try to find excuses at first and YES we will even lie ,Its not us as people its That dam addiction talking ,So rather than bash them and push them we need to coddle them and newbie takes the slightest bit of negativity to heart and runs back to the drug of choice and uses that as an excuse to use ,Thinking nobody really cares .

Now I know it may be unintentional But none the less You can never say bad comments to a newly recovering person the first month staying clean is going to be so hard on them physically but mostly emotionally and this is the most vulnerable time .

So to end this on a happy note,LEts just be nicer and if our comment that we are thinking about writing could in anyway be misconstrued as mean or volitile in any way to a newbie lets keep it to ourselves until they are at least a mojnth clean ..Ok??

We really dont need to lose anymore to the devilish drugs and booze out there .

Together we can beat the Demon!!


God bless all of you ANd sorry if I offended anyone there is no offense meant at all just a little advise for future use!!


thanks for listening

Tim

Ps: im over the pills withdrawal now and i no longer want them at all!!
I now know the difference between dependant and addicted as my Dr told me

Addicted = will still want the pills when none are available

Dependant = you will have withdrawal but when they are gone You win and no longer want for the pill

Thanks again all for listening

best

Tim
All well and good but and there is always a But...

Some people need to be told what is what and if a person is going to use, they are going to use. So and so yelled at me...I think I will go use.
The mix of people we have here and the way many post is always positive. The one or two who may post negative either get ignored or the message just may be the delivery that some need.
If someone gets out of hand, the mods do correct them... I know, I was new at one point and I still have the fry pan marks on my head to prove it *LOL*
Things go along good here 99% of the time. The kindness of people like yourself is what keeps SR a great place to gather info from.
You point out some good thoughts and ideas and as I see it over the time I have been here, it isn't as bad as you may think. I know one or two who post a strong message and I also know that they do so with love in their heart. The strong message is needed for a few. I happen to be one who would listen more when the message comes to me strong.

Anna

Percocetaddict,

We work very hard to keep the Newcomers Forum a positive place. As the Moderator of the Newcomers Forum, it is my mandate that there will be no bashing or negativity on this forum. I try to keep abreast of all the posts as best I can. In the past two days, two threads have been closed due to arguing, and one of those was reopened. I believe that's the best way to handle things when an argument is starting.

If you ever feel you see a post that is questionable, please PM me immediately because I cannot read every post.

igfan

Hey Perc

i think i know who you're referring to and i have to agree with Best. That same person told me how it was on a particular post where i was talking about going out for one last hurrah before trying to quit again. At the time, it was exactly what i needed to hear, that was back in January and i haven't had a drink since. Now, i know he comes off as a jerk most times, but for me, it worked. I also agree with Best that if we're going to use, we're going to use, it doesn't matter who said what to us. I don't need a good excuse, any excuse will do - OMG! It's raining, i'm going to drink over it. I understand what you're saying, don't take this the wrong way, i just know that for me, it was what i needed and I thank him for it. BTW, he has also had kinds words for me in his responses.

Thanks for the post perc
Cheryl

Timmm

Ok I guess I messed up cuase it wasnt one person ,lol it was just the way some of the posts read i could see they meant well but to a new person they could trigger a bad response of well no one cares .


I agree that sometimes tough love is needed ,But in other cases that can be volitile and destructive .

I am not upset at all I think Sr is a wonderful place to start and help newbies alomg and get them the info .

I just think it requires baby gloves and little steps when someone says screw it im gonna go get messed up be there for them when they realize this is a bad thing and teack them from there.

I know if you want to use you will but we can'be the catylyst in it .We dont want to give them that excuse that we aused it .I guess thats what i meant even though us causing them to go use is a joke cause none of us meant for that to be!!

Peace and sorry i was misunderstood ,I do agree with having to be hard on some but in a way that doesnt affect thier sobriety .I mean nothing by this than to help and show love and caring for all of you!


Thanks
TIm

igfan

Hi again,
i don't think anyone thinks you meant anything negative about this post, i know exactly what you were saying and i still consider myself a "newcomer" so i appreciate what you're saying. There have been times when someone has said something to me and i did say "screw it" but that was me. Anyway, i wasn't getting down on your post (i hope that's not how you saw it) but i know that one of the people that you're probably referring to means well.

Take care

MNGirlyGirl

(((((newbies))))))

GeorgiaPeach

I agree with you 100% Percocetaddict! There is a difference between tough love and down right being mean. In all posts, we can read the words but we can never know exactly how or what each of us are actually feeling. That is something than can only be done by actual speaking or face to face. We can only assume what their words mean and what they are trying to express. I get e-mails all the time and think that someone is being ugly to me but it is all in the way that I perceive the WORDS in the e-mail and not necessarily what that person was trying to say. I will start off a lot of my e-mails ans posts with "Sorry if I offend, I don't mean to if you perceive it that way but......." Just like Percocetaddict did at the beginning of this one. Bottom line is choose to choose our words more carefully. 51Anna, I agree with you as well but like you said, you can't see all of them in time and sometimes the damage is done and even if you do see it and close the thread, if it is read and misconstruded then again, the damage is done. Again, we just have to be careful of the words that we choose to type and if we are unsure then it is probably a good idea to add comments on how you are feeling or thinking jor just don't post those words. I hope that I don't offend anyone but what I have written here today becasue I love SR and everyone here and I have gotten a lot of help and I like to think that I have given a lot as well.

drew_61

You point out some good thoughts and ideas and as I see it over the time I have been here, it isn't as bad as you may think. I know one or two who post a strong message and I also know that they do so with love in their heart. The strong message is needed for a few.


I think Best is right...I don't for one minute believe that anyone here was trying to cause harm to this individual. Sometimes the blunt message has more impact than the kind coddling. I am new here, but I can see that the person in question has been posting here for nearly a year, so I am curious as to what constitutes "newbieness". At any rate...she knows that there are many people here who love and care for her.

GeorgiaPeach

If we are thinking about the same peson, she has been here for a year but she has slipped several times and each time you must start over again, right? So if you are starting over then aren't you a newcomer again? She left for several months and no one heard from her and then she came back but none the less, as I stated in my earlier post, we must choose our words more carefully. IMO, newbie is someone who is just starting recovery whether it be the first time or the 5th time, each time is different and one day hopefully it will stick and that person will be ready in everyway and they will get clean and stay clean with a little help and encouragement from us here @ SR!

Smyle

I feel like I will always be a newbie because I will always want to use...regardless...I just choose not to...and that is just for today....
I understand the need for compasion and all that good stuff it is helpful ....as are the words of the not so compasionate....it is a tough rope to walk and you NEVER know how someone will take it....
I just like knowing if I post someone will respond and i may take it or leave it...but that is just the newbie talking....

GeorgiaPeach

But still, there is a difference between tough love and being hateful. Tough love is good, hatefulness is not.

eire rose

When I joined this site a few responses that I received kind of hit me hard, but its exactly what I need to hear. I was so in denial and needed a kick in the butt.

When I made to AA I was full of bull about my alcoholism, women in the rooms with considerable sober time put it to me straight and questioned me on some of the garbage that came out of my mouth, it was the best thing for me to look at what I was doing and saying.

I think if I coddle a newcomer I participate in enabling them to stay in the addictive behaviour.

Encouragement is great, but keep it real, I noticed people posting they want help, they have all these excuses not to get help etc... I feel that they need a strong push in the right direction, encouragement to quit the bs and get help.

How long can a person sing the same tune, over and over without getting on people's nerves? At a point the language used needs to be a little stronger to serve the message.

Just my opinion on this one,

Love, Rose

GeorgiaPeach

What would you have done if you came here to this site and were being as honest as the addiction would allow you to be and someone told you that you were lying about your addiction? That you were not an addict and just wanted the attention. Is that "tough love" or just plain hateful? No one was being straight forward about what they though someone should do or where they should go but just what I said above. I think that i would have probably reacted in an angry and venting way but that's just me.

CarolD

Members come Members go..Some return Some do not.
Bless them all.

I am here to plant the seed of recovery.

Use the ignore button to stop seeing my message...

JOY1115

Perc, I personally feel that if we are working the Steps and our HIgher Power is working through us we will not type or say anything hurtful to anyone! Only when I take my will back do the hurtful thoughts come out of my mouth. I beleive that we need to be 100% honest with the newbie in sharing our ESH, pointing out the similarities that WE all have. Making them feel welcome, but yet not coddling. Explaining that in the beginning they may not understand what we are talking about but to keep coming back. And then LISTENING to the newbie....I remember feeling so alone that I wanted to die even after I got clean and sober. I feel acceptance is what we need to give everyone not just the newbies. We are all on our own journey and people do handle things differently. If we let God talk through us there will be no unkind words.

wishful

Thanks for this posting! I've had the same thoughts at times, though for the record I haven't had any personal problems with the folks here, but I've read a few posts to others that were a bit harsh.

Anyone coming here should be congratulated on their courage to start facing their problems. Honest advice can be given in a sincere and kindly way without compromising the message. Those of us who have seen how damaging alcohol and drugs can be do find it hard to see someone treading the path in ignorance of the dangers and not try to confront them with it in the most unequivocal and shocking way, but that might not necessarily be the most compassionate and effective way - after all, if we scare folks off with "tough love" tactics, we just act as another trigger to encourage them to drink or drug. Addictions are stressful enough - let's not add to the burden!

Grasshopper

When i was a newbie,ya know those good folks,said annd did things that,my ego,did not approve off.lol.And i learned,from this, tolerance,acceptance,and to cool it on my own judgemtns of others,.All great lessons,and growth for me.Yupper even as a newbie,i started to learn this.Step One....The saying,You gather more bees with honey than vinigar.But,folks are not bees.Live and let live has become sush a vital thing in my life.To really let go and let God,work in folks.Let all kinds of folks share freely.With no demands on the "how" to do it.Do i really know how another will for sure recieve the message?Some get it,when they ARE,called upon da BS.And some will be offened,when called upon it.Thats ,really,life.,on lifes terms.Im not responsible,for anothers results,of their soberiety.If someone is offened by what i say,this is their choice,to be offended. Ive met some ,alcoholics,who are very suspious,of kind,gental,nice folks.They think that "something" is not real here within this person.I know this because i witness this.
For me,i find that anyone wanting to "control" how and what things should be said/done to newbies,troublesome,personally.Its a fear,type of thing.If i was to feed into it,i would probably never share with a newbie,for fear would stop me.So personally i just dont go there.I share,openly,honestly,with no reservatiuons,on how i "think" another will recieve,what im sharring.I do let go,let God.

GeorgiaPeach

I will reiterate, go up 5 posts and see somewhat of what was said to another and then tell me if you think you would have accepted that in a fragile state of mind. What was said was not recalling from personal experience and giving advice to another who just wasn't ready to face the truth, what was said was just mean. I agree 100% with tough love, hell, I've given it myself here & there but what I read was not it! No one is trying to "control what is said or done to newbies" but you have got to remember this newcomers area isn't for alcoholics or meth users or crack users or opiate addicts, it is for all of the above and more and what is good for one person and their addiction is certainly not good for another and thier addiction. The bottom line is that they have came here for compassion and UNDERSTANDING (because they feel that no one will understand) and encouragement and advice when they ask for it, they probably have gotten "bashed" enough from friends or family or the outside world in general and they shouldn't have to put up with that here. I have been given some "tough love" advice here and I accepted it and actually learned from it but if what someone had said was cruel then I would have gotten mad and not learned anything at all! Someone was MEAN to me once here and it only pi$$ed me off, severly, and then I just got defensive and I am not the addict of my situation and I got defensive! I mean these statements in a cool and rational tone, no yelling here today. See, if I didn't say how I was feeling emotionally then someone would have thought that I was mad by reading this post.

best

When I first came here that was a skill I needed to learn. Great way of doing things but I didn't know how to do it. I had to watch, listen, and get bonked on the head a few times. I shared from my heart but my words didn't flow.
I still need a lot of work in that area and I get a lesson daily from the people like yourself who show up and share.
Accepting people where they are at and watching them grow is such a joy.
Watching myself grow is a God sent blessing. One of these days ..maybe I will become as good with my words as those I learn from.